Bad uncle or just a mistake?...

[uncle dad]

Hi parents


I would like some opinions on this situation if you all would be so kind. I feel like crap and guess i want to see if its me or an over zealous system.

Heres a little FYI: I never been married, no children of my own. I lived a single life and was a bachelor. That all changed when i took in my niece age 9 and nephew age 12. Their father my brother is deceased and their mother has her issues. Physical and sexual abuse was involved with both children. The mother has had her all of her kids taken away at some point. After receiving a call from their older sister (not related to me) about my nephew being punched in the face by the mother's BF i decided i needed to get these kids, in which 5 hrs later i did. (with moms permission) This was in AUG of 2010 kids have been with me since.

Kids rarely ate 3 meals a day, no food in the fridge, little clothing, no TV, phone etc. Basically a really crappy household.

now heres the story please no flaming, i feel crappy enough:

i went up to see their mother, Feb 25 and left my house at about 11pm. Kids were sleeping and I intended to be back home in 2-3 hrs. Unknown at the time to me, my automobile registration was suspended for not paying a traffic violation and I was pulled over by the police. I was arrested and got access to a phone at about 9am. I called my GF who was out of town and had her call my friend of 7 yrs to go pick the children up. Kids know what to do in an emergency. I had a phone at the home and fire alarms.

When i get home, cops come to my house a couple hrs later and question me. About 5 days later i learn i will be charged with child endangerment and received a summons to appear in court.


I want to see what you parents think,

did i really make a huge mistake?thanks in advance

 

[MomoJA]

I'm really sorry this happened to you and the children, and I hope everything works out. These children need some normalcy and a sense of security, and if you are offering that, then I hope nothing happens to separate you all.

This topic came up about a week ago on another thread, and this was one of the reasons I said I would never leave my daughter alone. You just never know what might happen to delay your return. It seems you have learned your lesson.

I would throw myself on the mercy of the court, but listen to your lawyer (if he or she is good) before you listen to me.

In the other thread, Julie mentioned that she was babysitting at age 11 or 12. The truth is, I was too. Parents would come pick me up, bring me to their houses, and leave me with infants and toddlers. I was good at it and it seemed perfectly acceptable at the time, but it shocks me now. The point is, however, that while it seems there is a law in your state prohibiting leaving a 12 year old alone at night, it is almost understandable that you would think it was all right to do so. But now you know it is not all right.

 

[stjohnjulie]

Go back and find that topic about when we all think it's ok for kids to be left alone. There is a link provided by Xero... Latch Key Kids or something like that. They recommend waiting until kids are 12. Anyhow!!! I don't know if I would leave them overnight alone. And you didn't intend to...but it still happened. I'm sure the cops would have let you make arrangements if you had told them the kids were there. Did you tell them? Were you afraid?

I guess this would be an excellent time to get some things straight with the kids. Like, who they should call if you aren't there and they need help. Did you leave them a note? I don't think I would be afraid to be left alone at 12, but I would be freaked if I got up and my parents/guardian was missing.

I think you are going to have to listen to your lawyer and take their advice as far as this charge goes. You are new at this, and hopefully they will just order you to some parenting classes and the kids can try and get some stability in their lives. I'm not sure where you live, but some states have laws about when a kid can be left alone (see that website that Xero mentioned in the other thread).

I think it was a mistake, and probably a bit of bad judgment. It must be hard to be an instant parent! Kudos to you for trying to give the kids a better life and don't give up. Just keep learning and keep trying. If the courts don't order you to parenting classes, go find one to enroll in. I'm sure it will be a benefit to you all in the long run.

 

[mcuyler]

Its so awful. You should take a lesson and never repeat it again. In my opinion you should not have done that.

 

[uncle dad]

Go back and find that topic about when we all think it's ok for kids to be left alone. There is a link provided by Xero... Latch Key Kids or something like that. They recommend waiting until kids are 12. Anyhow!!! I don't know if I would leave them overnight alone. And you didn't intend to...but it still happened. I'm sure the cops would have let you make arrangements if you had told them the kids were there. Did you tell them? Were you afraid?

I was very afraid and kinda shocked i was being arrested, and i didnt want to make it worse.

I guess this would be an excellent time to get some things straight with the kids. Like, who they should call if you aren't there and they need help. Did you leave them a note? I don't think I would be afraid to be left alone at 12, but I would be freaked if I got up and my parents/guardian was missing.

They know what to do in an emergency, but i did go over it with them. And these kids have been left alone all the time with their mother under way worse circumstances, they're not your normal sheltered child you see on disney.

I think it was a mistake, and probably a bit of bad judgment. It must be hard to be an instant parent! Kudos to you for trying to give the kids a better life and don't give up. Just keep learning and keep trying. If the courts don't order you to parenting classes, go find one to enroll in. I'm sure it will be a benefit to you all in the long run.

If these children lived in a single bedroom with me they would be better off than where they were.

The kids made me grow up to. Its a win win for all of us. I get some family in my life (parents and bro are deceased) and they get the care, love and guidance they need.

 

[uncle dad]

Its so awful. You should take a lesson and never repeat it again. In my opinion you should not have done that.

Ill tell you whats awful, an older brother of 17 yrs old raping his 7 year old sister and putting tape over her mouth so nobody can hear her....but yeah, what i did was god awful and i should be hanged.

 

[Jeremy+3]

Just because someone else has made the decision to leave these children alone in the past does not make it okay for someone else to do the same.

It doesn't matter how much the children know, leaving children that young alone and especially at night is still wrong. You could have taken them with you to ensure they were safe or waited until a better time to see their mum.

 

[uncle dad]

Just because someone else has made the decision to leave these children alone in the past does not make it okay for someone else to do the same.

It doesn't matter how much the children know, leaving children that young alone and especially at night is still wrong. You could have taken them with you to ensure they were safe or waited until a better time to see their mum.

Mom called me because her son got beat up and was attempting to revenge his beating with more violence. I wanted to quell the situation. The kid had a weapon and was going to use it, (kids today) so before he did something he would regret for the next 20 yrs while in prison i thought id calm him down.


Its one thing if you grew up coddled, protected from the miseries of the world, have two parents in the house, stable, 3 meals a day, medical needs are met, live in a $500,000 home in the burbs where your only worry is whether to choose the 64GB or 32GB ipod touch 2. Children like these are not street smart, nor have they been through anything traumatic.

Its entirely another situation when your mom is never home and your hiding food so you make sure you get to eat. Kids in these households i would reckon are a little more versed in common sense and self preservation. Im not making excuses, but its not black and white.

 

[Jeremy+3]

You are clearly extremely naive if you think having parents who are financially sound stops you going through any hardships or traumatic experiences, maybe you're just jealous of those with money. Yes, you are using it as an excuse, they aren't more versed in common sense, I work with hundreds of children like this, most are terrified of being left alone on the inside and would do nothing but panic in a stressful situation.

If you wanted to do something sensible you would have phoned the police, instead of putting children in your care at risk. Good parents don't put anything before the safety and well being of their children.

 

[NancyM]

You made a mistake and because you were not experienced you should stress to the court that you realize now that you made a bad judgement call and would never EVER leave them alone for any reason. Really just apologize and beg!! lol Of course listen to your lawyer.

They may assign social services out to keep an eye on you, but so what.

That's it. I think they will be able to see that you are a good person and were trying to be the family 'fixer'. You have to put the kids first now, so tell everyone else who calls you for help to consider that you have a new responsibility now and won't be available for their crazy crap anymore.

REALLY. That's what parents do. So hopefully you will be forgiven by the court and given a chance to help these poor children. And I commend you for that.

 

[IADad]

I have had moments, when I was at home alone with the kids, they were asleep and I though about driving 5 minutes to the convenience store to get something I had a hankering for and come back and I didn't do it. Sure, nothing is probably going to happen in 10-15 minutes but what if it did? It's my job to be there or see that they are watched by somebody.

Now, I understand that you thought you sere doing the right thing, and your explanation makes a certain amount of sense, but I think it was a regrettable mistake. I'll echo the advice to follow your lawyer and basically try to show the court how you were trying to do a good thing, and failed to see the danger you may have left them in. From the police point of view, I think they did the right thing. Bad Uncle or mistake, maybe some of each. I don't think you are a bad person, I just hope you've learned that no matter how battle weary these kids are, you need to be there for them and if you have to be gone, you need to provide for their watchful care, next time, if you're given the opportunity.

 

[uncle dad]

I should also say that since CPS has been involved they said i can leave them alone during the day to run local errands and such. They said make sure the kids know where im going, and how to reach me.

Also, my landlord lives above me and was home at the time which played into my rationale.

 

[Father_0f_7]

Children like these are not street smart, nor have they been through anything traumatic.

That's quite a generalization! And to be quite honest, you couldn't be more wrong. Just because a childs PARENTS have money doesn't mean their life is perfect, or even good.

Originally Posted by mcuyler

[/URL]
<I>Its so awful. You should take a lesson and never repeat it again. In my opinion you should not have done that.</I>

Ill tell you whats awful, an older brother of 17 yrs old raping his 7 year old sister and putting tape over her mouth so nobody can hear her....but yeah, what i did was god awful and i should be hanged.

Yes, that is awful, and wrong. But that doesn't mean you didn't do anything wrong.

 

[uncle dad]

You are clearly extremely naive if you think having parents who are financially sound stops you going through any hardships or traumatic experiences, maybe you're just jealous of those with money. Yes, you are using it as an excuse, they aren't more versed in common sense, I work with hundreds of children like this, most are terrified of being left alone on the inside and would do nothing but panic in a stressful situation.

If you wanted to do something sensible you would have phoned the police, instead of putting children in your care at risk. Good parents don't put anything before the safety and well being of their children.

No Jeremy, but if you think income doesn't play a role in child rearing your the naive one. And why would you bring up jealously? I mean, lol get a grip will ya? I made a point and you slim it down to "i'm jealous about other peoples money" yes, Jeremy, that's it! you got me!

Is this what you do? Come down on someone who is trying to save his family? I bet you think these kids should be in foster care eh? that'll really be a step up for them eh? Living with strangers, potential for abuse by the other kids, not being around family....yeah, that's a perfect situation for them eh?

And btw, i did call the police about my nephew being punched in the face, but oddly, the police never followed up....i guess thats my fault to eh?

anyway, thanks to all the non judgmental members who contributed to this thread thus far, most of the comments are helpful.

 

[uncle dad]

That's quite a generalization! And to be quite honest, you couldn't be more wrong. Just because a childs PARENTS have money doesn't mean their life is perfect, or even good.

yes maybe but i bet if you take 5 random children from orange county CA and compare their lives with 5 children from say the south Bronx they will have very, very, different experiences, but hey maybe thats just me.

Yes, that is awful, and wrong. But that doesn't mean you didn't do anything wrong.

never said i was right in doing what i did, but i dont think what i did warrants placing these children in foster care

 

[Father_0f_7]

yes maybe but i bet if you take 5 random children from orange county CA and compare their lives with 5 children from say the south Bronx they will have very, very, different experiences, but hey maybe thats just me.

You didn't compare them, you said they know no hardships and are not street smart. And it was insulting.

never said i was right in doing what i did, but i dont think what i did warrants placing these children in foster care

Maybe I should have put it a different way. He/she said he hoped you learned a lesson from something "awful" he/she thought you did (you didn't, and to be honest I may have left them home as well) and you came back with something more "wrong".

I just don't understand why.

 

[Xero]

Let me start by saying that I don't think you are a bad uncle for all of this, I think it was just a mistake and I'm sure you'll think it through much more carefully the next time this type of situation arises. I think its great what you are doing for these kids, and I'm glad they have more stability and care in their lives thanks to you. At 12 and 9, it wasn't necessarily traumatic for you to leave them home alone like that. I think that maybe you should have told the police ASAP that they were home alone though - that would have been the right thing to do (so they weren't left alone all night like that), although I realize you were probably nervous about saying anything. Like others have said, it was a bad judgement call, and none of us are perfect, I have done things I regret as a parent and I don't think anyone here is any different. Just be honest with the court and try to gain their sympathy, tell them you recognize the mistake you made and that it wont be happening again. You are only human.

However, on a different note -

Ill tell you whats awful, an older brother of 17 yrs old raping his 7 year old sister and putting tape over her mouth so nobody can hear her....but yeah, what i did was god awful and i should be hanged.

How is that comparison even necessary? We all know that these kind of horrible things go on in the world, and we all know that they are "worse" than leaving your kids home alone for longer than intended by accident. For every bad thing that happens, you could easily come up with something worse than it. That is completely besides the point. What you did was not AWFUL (so that poster was clearly exaggerating), it was just a bad decision, but still not okay, you know?

Also -

Mom called me because her son got beat up and was attempting to revenge his beating with more violence. I wanted to quell the situation. The kid had a weapon and was going to use it, (kids today) so before he did something he would regret for the next 20 yrs while in prison i thought id calm him down.

See that right there does not take priority over keeping your kids safe, or doing the right thing by your kids etc. That actually is not even your problem, and I personally think you're just causing more drama by trying to butt in to that crazy trash they get themselves into (seriously, beating people up? Using weapons? Where do you live? I do NOT chalk that up to "kids these days", sorry. Those people need to grow up, act normal, and get real lives). What SHOULD have been done in that situation was that someone should have called the police and let them handle it. They need to be taught that in the real world, the law does not tolerate that kind of BS and when you feel like going after somebody with a weapon it is not the nearest tough guy's responsibility to come talk you out of it. I just think that you shouldn't have even gotten involved. Stay out of that crap, you don't need the stress and the potential for trouble in your life! Just my HONEST opinion!!

The comment about foster care - I don't think that applies in your situation (though I don't know you or those kids), but in a LOT of cases YES certain children ARE better off in foster care. I was one of them, and I can't be thankful enough that it happened to me before it was too late. I was adopted, but my (previously) foster family IS my real family and I appreciate the fact that I was placed with them.

As for certain possibly offensive negative comments being directed at you - I know its hard, but try to remember chances are this kind of attitude is only because people genuinely care about the well being of a child. Some people can be judgemental, but really they just have the best interest of the kids involved at heart and can be passionate about it I think. They only want the absolute best for any child, and some people can get carried away with those feelings. Try to be understanding, but I know its difficult to put up with that kind of strong negative criticism.

 

[singledad]

Its entirely another situation when your mom is never home and your hiding food so you make sure you get to eat. Kids in these households i would reckon are a little more versed in common sense and self preservation. Im not making excuses, but its not black and white.

This is not meant as criticism - just information.

It is true that children who have grown up in the sort of circumstances that you describe, appear more street smart, and know how to look after themselves. However, these children are often more emotionally vulnerable. They EXPECT people to abandon them, mistreat them, and do everything they don't deserve. Events like this, will be MORE traumatic for a child-abuse victim, than for a normal, loved and happy child.

All I'm saying is - they've been through hell. Just because they've learnt to fend for themselves, and to pretend to be OK, doesn't mean that they are OK.

As for your original question - No, I don't think you are a bad uncle. You just made a really bad judgment call. We all make mistakes. The important thing is that you should learn from it, and not make the same mistake twice.

 

[uncle dad]

thanks for the info xero and single dad, you guys made some valid points.

My foster care comment was coming directly from the kids telling me their experience when they went and from other people i know that grew up in the system. Im sure foster care is better than some of these households out there.

 

[NancyM]

yes maybe but i bet if you take 5 random children from orange county CA and compare their lives with 5 children from say the south Bronx they will have very, very, different experiences, but hey maybe thats just me.

I too have lived on both sides of the track and I know exactly what you mean. It's very true and people who haven't lived on both sides have no idea what it's REALLY like.

I now live in the 'perfect white rich community' and I swear I laugh at these people most of the time, they're book smart and well educated but have no clue what goes on in the real world a few towns away.

When they call the cops because their neighbors flood light is shinning in their yard, or protest the cable company because they don't like having ethnic channels 'popping' up when they change the channel, I love to tell them that 6 miles from here, some people are starving and some are dying from simple illnesses because they dont' have medical insurance...(I wasn't real popular at PTA lol)

Since I still have family in the old neighborhood and we visit often, I always remind my son how lucky he is to know the best of both worlds, it will always give him an edge up in this crazy world.

The South Bronx!! lol