I apologize for what is going to be a lengthy post, but I really need some advise so please bear with me.
Here's some background info:
My boyfriend and I took in his nephew, "B'', about 3 months ago. He was originally living with his mother, but her boyfriend was abusive, so about a year ago he decided to move in with his estranged father. We had been in contact with him on and off for about 2 years, and in the months leading up to his moving in, the calls became more frequent, begging us to lt him move in because life there was terrible. B told us that his father was always yelling at him, putting him down, basically no better than his mother's house. So believing that he was in a situation that I was in a few years back, I felt sympathetic and pushed my boyfriend to let him move in, and after much lega research and personal deliberation, we agreed to take him in, but on our terms. We laid ground rules for him which included chores such as dishes when they needed to be done, and cleaning the downstairs bathroom which is only about 5x5 ft, mowing the lawn once a week, keeping up on his laundry, and working with my boyfriend at his auto shop. He agreed to these terms and we moved him in. Now I am seriously regretting this. Here's why:
*He "lives" in our garage, which has been turned into a mini apartment complete with cable tv, xbox, wii, ps2, fridge, stove, microwave, couches, hot tub, everything but plumbing, but the house is less than 10 steps away and he has full access to facilities at any time. We told him when he moved in to treat the garage as if it were HIS house, meaning to pick up after himself, put food away to prevent bugs, and occasionaly vacuum the carpet. This went well for about a week. He leaves his clothes in heaps on the floor, leaves his bedding out (we cleared out room under the entertainment center for this purpose), leaves empty cups and chip bags laying around, and leaves the door not only unlocked but wide open when he leaves for work in the morning. I mostly work evenings and late nights, so Im not always up when they leave, and every time I find hte door open I worry that weve been robbed.
*When I ask him to do his chores, he gives me this long sigh and says "fiiiineee" like Im asking him to do a major overhaul. I usually do dishes since Im home during the day, but if I know he made most of them, Ill have him do them. This shouldnt take more than half an hour. We have a dishwasher, and what cant go in there is only 2 or 3 things. He loads the dishwasher so poorly that 6 glasses have been broken from shoving them in beween plates on the bottom rack. Ive explained to him how to load it, what can go in etc, he always says "yeah i know" but keeps doing the same thing. It takes him on average an hour and a half to do dishes and he somehow manages to use all the hot water in the process, not to mention he wasnt using soap for hte longest time.The bathroom, as I said is only about 5x5 ft, nothing too overwhelming. Ive showed him what products to use, where they are, how to clean things etc and he does them completely half assed. One week he took one of my decorative dish cloths to "clean" with. He ran water in the sink and wiped off the lid of the toilet, and left my cloth in a wet heap in the shower. I made him go back and do it right and he said "I dont see why I have to clean it, Im not the only one that uses it." He's right, hes not the only one but thats what we call community effort.
*Weve been doing some work on the house for a few months now (Siding, sealing the driveway, etc) and my boyfriend and his buddies are doing the work to save a few bucks. You would think that to be able to be on a job with a carpenter, mason, and mechanic, he'd see it as a valuable learning experience for future work. No. Every time we go to look for him hes watching Netflix on the xbox. He says "it's not my house, why do I have to do the work?" We started the siding about 4 days ago, and we found a large bee hive. Everyone who lives here except for B is allergic, so antagonizing them is the last thing we want to do. We got rid of the hive but a few bees still linger. We told him to leave them alone, but B thought it was a great idea to swat and stomp them, and then spray at them with brake cleaner. In case you dont know, theres a chemical in brake cleaner that strips color out of vinyl siding. So of course he sprays it right at the garage, ruining a good 3 pieces, meaning that we have to buy a whole new box just for 3 pieces.
*Finally, the personal disrespect. Im an artist and have my studio in the back room of the garage, and Ive spent many years growing my tool collection and doing little projects to make our house more homey. B likes to smoke those little cheapey cigars, and I smoke cigarettes, so Ive got 3 ashtrays in the garage, since thats the only place I smoke, other than outside. I noticed one day that one of my painted terra cotta plant bases was shoved in with his laundry heap, and had been used as an ashtray. And I dont mean just to ash into, I mean he was mashing the butt end into it, ruining the paint. Upon further nosing around, I found that he had taken one of my expensive drawing pens apart, chewed on the one end and shoved a filter in it because "cigarette smoke is too harsh", which led me to the question of when he started smoking, and he said he had been smoking MY cigarettes, which we all know how pricey those are. Every few days I find my drawers rifled through, things moved or missing, and when I ask him he says either "I dont know" or "yeah I needed something".
So heres the question: Do you think this boy, who's 18, is taking advantage of our hospitality? Do you think Im wrong to ask him to do chores, and housework when everyone else is doing work? Would you let him stay? Or send him back to his father?
I really feel that Im being taken advantage of, and that he doesnt appreciate us doing him a favor. I would greatly appreciate any and al replies. Thank you for reading.
Here's some background info:
My boyfriend and I took in his nephew, "B'', about 3 months ago. He was originally living with his mother, but her boyfriend was abusive, so about a year ago he decided to move in with his estranged father. We had been in contact with him on and off for about 2 years, and in the months leading up to his moving in, the calls became more frequent, begging us to lt him move in because life there was terrible. B told us that his father was always yelling at him, putting him down, basically no better than his mother's house. So believing that he was in a situation that I was in a few years back, I felt sympathetic and pushed my boyfriend to let him move in, and after much lega research and personal deliberation, we agreed to take him in, but on our terms. We laid ground rules for him which included chores such as dishes when they needed to be done, and cleaning the downstairs bathroom which is only about 5x5 ft, mowing the lawn once a week, keeping up on his laundry, and working with my boyfriend at his auto shop. He agreed to these terms and we moved him in. Now I am seriously regretting this. Here's why:
*He "lives" in our garage, which has been turned into a mini apartment complete with cable tv, xbox, wii, ps2, fridge, stove, microwave, couches, hot tub, everything but plumbing, but the house is less than 10 steps away and he has full access to facilities at any time. We told him when he moved in to treat the garage as if it were HIS house, meaning to pick up after himself, put food away to prevent bugs, and occasionaly vacuum the carpet. This went well for about a week. He leaves his clothes in heaps on the floor, leaves his bedding out (we cleared out room under the entertainment center for this purpose), leaves empty cups and chip bags laying around, and leaves the door not only unlocked but wide open when he leaves for work in the morning. I mostly work evenings and late nights, so Im not always up when they leave, and every time I find hte door open I worry that weve been robbed.
*When I ask him to do his chores, he gives me this long sigh and says "fiiiineee" like Im asking him to do a major overhaul. I usually do dishes since Im home during the day, but if I know he made most of them, Ill have him do them. This shouldnt take more than half an hour. We have a dishwasher, and what cant go in there is only 2 or 3 things. He loads the dishwasher so poorly that 6 glasses have been broken from shoving them in beween plates on the bottom rack. Ive explained to him how to load it, what can go in etc, he always says "yeah i know" but keeps doing the same thing. It takes him on average an hour and a half to do dishes and he somehow manages to use all the hot water in the process, not to mention he wasnt using soap for hte longest time.The bathroom, as I said is only about 5x5 ft, nothing too overwhelming. Ive showed him what products to use, where they are, how to clean things etc and he does them completely half assed. One week he took one of my decorative dish cloths to "clean" with. He ran water in the sink and wiped off the lid of the toilet, and left my cloth in a wet heap in the shower. I made him go back and do it right and he said "I dont see why I have to clean it, Im not the only one that uses it." He's right, hes not the only one but thats what we call community effort.
*Weve been doing some work on the house for a few months now (Siding, sealing the driveway, etc) and my boyfriend and his buddies are doing the work to save a few bucks. You would think that to be able to be on a job with a carpenter, mason, and mechanic, he'd see it as a valuable learning experience for future work. No. Every time we go to look for him hes watching Netflix on the xbox. He says "it's not my house, why do I have to do the work?" We started the siding about 4 days ago, and we found a large bee hive. Everyone who lives here except for B is allergic, so antagonizing them is the last thing we want to do. We got rid of the hive but a few bees still linger. We told him to leave them alone, but B thought it was a great idea to swat and stomp them, and then spray at them with brake cleaner. In case you dont know, theres a chemical in brake cleaner that strips color out of vinyl siding. So of course he sprays it right at the garage, ruining a good 3 pieces, meaning that we have to buy a whole new box just for 3 pieces.
*Finally, the personal disrespect. Im an artist and have my studio in the back room of the garage, and Ive spent many years growing my tool collection and doing little projects to make our house more homey. B likes to smoke those little cheapey cigars, and I smoke cigarettes, so Ive got 3 ashtrays in the garage, since thats the only place I smoke, other than outside. I noticed one day that one of my painted terra cotta plant bases was shoved in with his laundry heap, and had been used as an ashtray. And I dont mean just to ash into, I mean he was mashing the butt end into it, ruining the paint. Upon further nosing around, I found that he had taken one of my expensive drawing pens apart, chewed on the one end and shoved a filter in it because "cigarette smoke is too harsh", which led me to the question of when he started smoking, and he said he had been smoking MY cigarettes, which we all know how pricey those are. Every few days I find my drawers rifled through, things moved or missing, and when I ask him he says either "I dont know" or "yeah I needed something".
So heres the question: Do you think this boy, who's 18, is taking advantage of our hospitality? Do you think Im wrong to ask him to do chores, and housework when everyone else is doing work? Would you let him stay? Or send him back to his father?
I really feel that Im being taken advantage of, and that he doesnt appreciate us doing him a favor. I would greatly appreciate any and al replies. Thank you for reading.
