Chores - kids & step kids...

[bkrrbr]

My husband only has his two boys every other weekend, my son lives with us. They are all teenagers from 13-17.

My son has chores on a daily basis. So everyday, he has a list of several things he must complete satisfactorily or they must be re-done. On the weekends he is at home with us, we also have my husband's 2 sons. Weekend work around the house/farm usually takes up most of Saturday, and up until recently, everyone was expected to help.

Last week my husband told me he thought his kids shouldn't have to help with weekend work b/c they are only at our house 4 days a month and he didn't want them to always feel like they have to be working while there. But, he still expects my son to help us with what ever we are doing, leaving his kids in the house watching tv or playing video games. I know my son doesn't do any work while visiting his dad 2 weekends a month, but while my son works on a daily basis, my step sons do very little at their mom's house to help out. I just can't see making one kid work and letting 2 others do nothing just because they don't live there full time. If I let that happen it will drive a wedge between the boys and between myself and my husband and between my son and my husband - leaving me in the middle.

We have been married for 2 years so I'm not sure what sparked this change in his mind. Before we were married his kids were expected to help around his house, and they have helped at our house, up until now. This will be the first weekend since he has decided this, and I'm not sure how to proceed. I don't think the kids should work all weekend, but I also don't think that it's fair to make one kid help while the others don't have to.

Any suggestions?

 

[Xero]

Why not give them all the weekend off, rather than continuing to make the one work while the others sit around? Sounds like your son has an awful lot on his shoulders for a kid anyway, doing a "list" of work every day, on top of regular things like school, and then even spending all of every Saturday doing more work for you guys. I know your first thought will probably be that the work still will need done one way or the other, but I think you and your husband can handle it for a day. Your kids didn't exactly make the decision to run a farm. Sounds like a lot of hard work. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about kids having chores and helping out, but it does sound a bit excessive. I am not in your shoes, though.

 

[bkrrbr]

Letting all the kids not work was my solution, but for some reason my husband thinks my son should still have to help. That's my problem.

I don't mind the kids not helping, if it applies to <U>all</U> the kids.

We are farmers, always have been. My husband was raised on a huge chicken farm and I on a small working farm with lots of different livestock. It's our way of life - while my son was learning to walk he was also learning to gather eggs without breaking them. He's a good boy who's work ethic is sought after when neighboring farmers need help putting up their hay -- and he doesn't mind the extra cash.

I just don't think I can let 2 kids do nothing while making the other work. They all get along so well, that will end if I can't change my husband's mind on this.

I want to give them all the option to decide if they want to help or not.

Thanks for your input Xero. I appreciate it.

 

[Xero]

Makes sense to me, and being raised on a farm sounds like a wonderful way to be brought up. Sometimes wish I could have experienced that myself.

Perhaps you two could come to a compromise? That is what marriage and parenting is all about, right? haha. You want them all to help with the work, he wants only your son to help with the work, so maybe a compromise would be to have all of them help, but do less? So maybe they all have one job on Saturdays that doesn't really consume all that much time? That way all are helping, and that is three less things you two will have to do without them, and everything stays fair while not overworking any of the kids on the weekend. Hope that makes sense lol.

 

[bkrrbr]

Yes, that does make sense, and gives me some options to present to my husband, which is what I need.

Thanks!

 

[TabascoNatalie]

I'm a city person, so I don't know much about work on the farm, so please no ofense... It sounds your husband has a bit exploitative attitude towards your son

 

[MarkLakewood336]

I tend to agree with you. When you approached your husband on this issue, did he explain to you his reasoning? How is your marriage in general? If you feel that your marriage is experiencing some difficulties or if you feel that this particular issue may cause a riff in your marriage and you're unable to resolve this issue on your own, it might not be a bad idea to seek marital therapy primarily because there might be a deeper rooted issue involved.

 

[babysitter]

No one in your family should do chores on those four days; family is far, far more important than chores. Tell your husband that, whether they are working with their family or relaxing while everyone else works, his kids are not spending quality time with their family—which is, of course, of utmost importance.

 

[singledad]

&lt;r&gt;&lt;QUOTE author="babysitter;142976"&gt;&lt;s&gt;

&lt;/s&gt;No one in your family should do chores on those four days; family is far, far more important than chores. Tell your husband that, whether they are working with their family or relaxing while everyone else works, his kids are not spending quality time with their family&lt;B&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;—&lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/B&gt;which is, of course, of utmost importance.&lt;e&gt;

&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/QUOTE&gt;

A bit idealistic, maybe? I'm a city boy myself, but I know enough about farm life to know that certain things simply have to be done daily, and skipping a day can have very serious consequences...&lt;/r&gt;

 

[stjohnjulie]

Farm life is a lot different than city life and I am with singledad on this. There just are some things that HAVE to get done every day on a farm. But I do think that just because it is called a chore doesn't have to mean it has to feel like a chore to do it. Maybe you could have the boys do tasks that they have to complete together. The job gets done and the boys get some time together on their own to bond. And maybe you could pick a task that you could do with the two other boys so the three of you can have some bonding time as well. Just a thought.

 

[bkrrbr]

My marriage is fine, my husband is not exploitative of anyone. He works far harder than any person I have ever known with the exception of my father. Farming is a 24/7, 365 day job. It's like parenting - there just no days off if you plan on doing the job well. Should we perhaps take a day off when we have goats ready to kid, or maybe just decide not to milk them for a few days because we're tired - nonsense - you wouldn't take the day off from feeding your children when they aren't able to feed themselves would you?
I didn't join this forum to have my way of life criticized and picked apart. I simply wanted advice on how I could approach my husband with alternatives, which I did, thanks to Xero. Also, thank you StJohnJulie and Singledad for your understanding of how farm life is and what it requires.

 

[akmom]

I don't think that leaving two boys in the house to watch TV and play videogames alone makes very good use of their weekends with Dad. Isn't the point of visitation so they can spend time with him? His perspective only makes sense if he's in there watching TV and playing videogames with them. While you and your son do the chores...

But I'm guessing that's a crummy solution in your book!

 

[cybele]

It could be a viable solution if the farm chores can be carried out between two people. Otherwise then it certainly would be a crummy solution.

Honestly, I think a decent compromise would be for all three boys to do a half day's work. It won't harm your husband's kids to do the work, and it sounds like it is something they are familiar with, but this way they also get some fun time, as does your son for reasons of fairness.

 

[Andrew W.]

What I don't see here is what the two visiting boys would like to do. Have they been asked?

I often helped with farm chores if I was visiting farm friends and loved it. Things on a farm were different enough from my life at home to be not really chores, and anything with animals was nice, especially horses.

On the other hand, I had a friend who had a paper route. He needed to do his paper route whether I was visiting or not. I often helped him rather than sit around his house, but it wasn't all that exciting. Still, at even a younger age than your two step-sons, I understood that he had a responsibility he had taken on.

If the main thing all three kids want to do is play video games, and anything that deprives them of the opportunity is resented, then there is a problem that has nothing to do with farming or fair chore assignment.

Other than that, your step-sons and your son should all be able to accept that your son has a responsibility, a part-time job similar in nature to a paper route that cannot be shirked, but which may be more or less pressing in nature depending on the day. The step-sons should have the opportunity to take on more responsibility of their own if they desire, but it should not be forced on them if it would cause resentment.

Maybe there are things your son could do with help from one of the visiting boys to free your husband up to spend some one-on-one free time with the other? That could then be rotated, so that each boy got to do some work, and got some alone time with his dad just to have fun. Then other times each boy could have some one-on-one time helping his dad with farm work, on days when there was too much work to do for your husband to take off.

That might actually be stepping up what work your son was doing, but also his responsibility, and it would be a chance to really help his dad in a meaningful way.

Because the nature and the amount of work needing to be done probably varies a great deal from visit to visit, I don't think you are going to find a one-solution-fits-all to this problem.