At 19 years old I gave birth to a beautiful little boy. Love of my life... for his first 3 and a half years of life I was a single mom and loved him and took care of him while working and going to school. I wouldn't have traded it for the world. I met my current boyfriend and after talking decided I would move to NY to complete my SATS and attempt to enter medical school. Being from out of the country I decided to have my son's father take care of him while I tried to get a place and apply for my Visa. Afterwards I wanted to bring him here with me. His father refused to take him without gaining full custody and convinced me it was the best thing to do (with the help of my family). After leaving it was hard on my son and his father decided to cut me off. He told me I was a horrible mother and never did any good by my son. He has my son calling his girlfriend mommy and it's his birthday today and I can't even call to say Happy Birthday. His father gives me ultimatums on having to meet with him to discuss things (he was abusive and controlling) so I'm scared. He's also threatened to cut me off completely if I return to the States which I have... I haven't seen my son in 3 months... and suffer from depression... my family has said he is doing really well without me and his father says he doesn't even remember me. It's making me wonder if I should just stay away... any advice would be great. I hate being made to feel that trying to better myself is selfish and I did bad by my son.
Confused and scared and well feeling like worst mom ever.......
- Thread starter kskye
- Start date
You aren't the worst mom ever, trust me.
Unless he has a court order, I think you are entitled to visitation. He can be a dick about it, but he can't stop you from seeing your son and I don't think there's a judge out there who would say different. Get an attorney; you're going to need it.
Also, I wouldn't trust anything the guy says about him remembering you. If he's half of what you say, he's probably lying there...
Unless he has a court order, I think you are entitled to visitation. He can be a dick about it, but he can't stop you from seeing your son and I don't think there's a judge out there who would say different. Get an attorney; you're going to need it.
Also, I wouldn't trust anything the guy says about him remembering you. If he's half of what you say, he's probably lying there...
<U><SIZE size="200">Btw, You Are Not Being Selfish!
He Is Your Son And It"s Your Right!</SIZE></U>
He Is Your Son And It"s Your Right!</SIZE></U>
I feel selfish because of wanting to get into med school and move to the States but I know I can have a better life here and if I was able to bring my son he would be so happy.
I'm terrified to call him because he just gives me ultimatums and makes me feel like crap. He's done this to me since I was 15 and I just feel like such a bad person after speaking to him.
I miss my boy so much... and knowing his father he's probably thinking I abandoned him because of what his dads been saying to him.I'm terrified and just so down.
I'm terrified to call him because he just gives me ultimatums and makes me feel like crap. He's done this to me since I was 15 and I just feel like such a bad person after speaking to him.
I miss my boy so much... and knowing his father he's probably thinking I abandoned him because of what his dads been saying to him.I'm terrified and just so down.
So making a better life for yourself and your son is selfish? From what you said, his father is not thinking you abandoned him, but is instead making YOU think you abandoned him. It's a classic abuser mental trick.
Look, don't take this crap. Get pissed off. Don't be all 'Ohh, he so big and mean' because you have rights, you are a person, and you have just as much right to breath the air on this planet as he does. Get in there and fight for your son. Get ready for it to get down and dirty, because it will. You're in for the fight of your life here and when you come out the other side, you'll be a much stronger person for it.
You are young. The pattern you set for yourself now can stick with you for your life. Do you want to spend the next 60 years cowering from us guys or do you want to be a strong independent woman? Since you are trying to go to med school, I am guessing the latter.
Settle in and get ready for a fight, because it's probably one of the most important fights you will ever have. These are the things that decide who you are and what kind of person you will turn out to be. This is the kind of thing that defines character. If you are afraid of him and he is an abuser (which it sounds like), there is no shortage of agencies and people out there willing to help. Don't let anyone control you EVER!
And go watch 'Sleeping with the Enemy' and 'The Burning Bed' before you do it.
Look, don't take this crap. Get pissed off. Don't be all 'Ohh, he so big and mean' because you have rights, you are a person, and you have just as much right to breath the air on this planet as he does. Get in there and fight for your son. Get ready for it to get down and dirty, because it will. You're in for the fight of your life here and when you come out the other side, you'll be a much stronger person for it.
You are young. The pattern you set for yourself now can stick with you for your life. Do you want to spend the next 60 years cowering from us guys or do you want to be a strong independent woman? Since you are trying to go to med school, I am guessing the latter.
Settle in and get ready for a fight, because it's probably one of the most important fights you will ever have. These are the things that decide who you are and what kind of person you will turn out to be. This is the kind of thing that defines character. If you are afraid of him and he is an abuser (which it sounds like), there is no shortage of agencies and people out there willing to help. Don't let anyone control you EVER!
And go watch 'Sleeping with the Enemy' and 'The Burning Bed' before you do it.
He really does have me feeling like I abandoned him... what gets me is that I tried to see him and call and there were excuses then he said my son was depressed because he missed me... wouldn't have happened if he let me in.
I just feel so bad everyday... I want to fight him but what if he convinces the court I'm unfit?
I just feel so bad everyday... I want to fight him but what if he convinces the court I'm unfit?
you have every right to see your son... he is YOUR son too... I suggest you contact an attorney... they will tell you what to do (my husband is a very good lawyer and says if you are as fit and capable as you say you are then a good lawyer should have no problems what so ever getting a case together)
You should fight for custody/visitation/whatever you can get! You are that boy's mommy! You both deserve to have each other. And its worth going to court over, because either you don't go and you allow this man to control things which seems to include you never seeing the boy again, or you go to court and you have a chance at seeing him, at the very worst he proves you unfit but then you KNOW you TRIED. So the worst case scenario from going to court is what you've already got going on - not seeing your son. The only difference between going to court and not going to court is that if you go to court you actually have a chance at seeing him.kskye said:
Don't listen to what everyone else says. I say its time to ignore them and listen to your heart. Your son living without knowing his mommy is NOT beneficial for him, and don't let anybody convince you of that.
It sounds like the father is working really hard to erase you from his memory, but with your family and with your visitation, which is your right and you need to preserve it now, you can keep that mother's bond. You were tricked to a certain degree, don't become a victim by giving up entirely. You know you are building a better life, and you neeed to keep your son in it as much as you can.
I hope you're getting some professionaly help for your depression. You can't fight a good fight and medical school is going to be tough if you aren't managing the depression adequately.
Good Luck.
I hope you're getting some professionaly help for your depression. You can't fight a good fight and medical school is going to be tough if you aren't managing the depression adequately.
Good Luck.
First - you're not the worst mother ever. If you were, you wouldn't be here looking for advice.
Second - you need to pause and think carefully - which part of trying to better yourself in order to enable yourself to provide a better life for your child, is selfish? Don't let this guy guilt-trip you! He forced you to give up custody, and now he is keeping you from seeing you child - that isn't abandonment, that is your baby's daddy being a dick. Remember - no one else can make you feel anything. They can tell you a bunch of lies about yourself, but its your choice to believe it and allow it to get you down, or to recognise it for the lies it is, and shrug it off.
I second the advice of getting a lawer and taking his ass to court - you have a right to see your child, and that is all there is to it. He won't be able to convince the court that you are unfit without concrete proof, so unless your a drug addict or homeless (which I sincerely doubt), you have nothing to worry about. So fight it!
Second - you need to pause and think carefully - which part of trying to better yourself in order to enable yourself to provide a better life for your child, is selfish? Don't let this guy guilt-trip you! He forced you to give up custody, and now he is keeping you from seeing you child - that isn't abandonment, that is your baby's daddy being a dick. Remember - no one else can make you feel anything. They can tell you a bunch of lies about yourself, but its your choice to believe it and allow it to get you down, or to recognise it for the lies it is, and shrug it off.
I second the advice of getting a lawer and taking his ass to court - you have a right to see your child, and that is all there is to it. He won't be able to convince the court that you are unfit without concrete proof, so unless your a drug addict or homeless (which I sincerely doubt), you have nothing to worry about. So fight it!
Look at it this way. This is your son and you are his mommy. If you don't fight to protect his best interests, who will?
You say your ex partner has full custody, was this a legal arrangement, or is it just a joint decision? I'm asking because if you decide to give up rights to your children, depending on where you live it can be very difficult to gain back custody.
I take if your son does not live in the states? If that is the case you are going to have to go back to the country in which he resides for court etc, so maybe in the mean time you can make provisions for when you cannot attend university etc.
Before you present any legal papers get as much consultation you can with a solicitor, the more prepared you are in the beginning the better your chance is.
I take if your son does not live in the states? If that is the case you are going to have to go back to the country in which he resides for court etc, so maybe in the mean time you can make provisions for when you cannot attend university etc.
Before you present any legal papers get as much consultation you can with a solicitor, the more prepared you are in the beginning the better your chance is.
I would start right now, recording phone conversations (if legal in your state) and documenting everything. What the father is doing is called Parental Alienation. Fight for your rights!
You are not the worst mother!! If you were a horrible mother you would not care about seeing him!
Get a laywer you DO HAVE A RIGHT to see him, you are his biological mother. Never give up at all. Fight Fight Fight
It sounds like he is trying to get rid of you and the longer he can push it the harder it will be for you and your son. He is twisting things, by saying he does not remember you is trying to make you give up. Then by saying your son is depressed is trying to make you back off. He is doing these things cause he knows he is in the wrong and he know you have a right to see your child.
Get a laywer you DO HAVE A RIGHT to see him, you are his biological mother. Never give up at all. Fight Fight Fight
It sounds like he is trying to get rid of you and the longer he can push it the harder it will be for you and your son. He is twisting things, by saying he does not remember you is trying to make you give up. Then by saying your son is depressed is trying to make you back off. He is doing these things cause he knows he is in the wrong and he know you have a right to see your child.