ok, so i'm wondering if anybody has any experience or good resources i could look into to get a better head about the effects on a toddler (2-4 years old) of spending alternating blocks of 3 or 4 months between parents living in different states and ways to maintain a healthy relationship with both parents if such an arrangement is reached.
Frequent Relocation Effects on 2 Year Old...
- Thread starter V!king
- Start date
Children of that age really need to be with both parents consistantly. They are too young to understand this situation. All they would know if that they're not seeing mom or dad for a long period of time. That is a critical age for relationship development.
BTW, Welcome!
BTW, Welcome!
yeah thats kinda why i'm worried. on one hand, switching back and forth every few days with parents in the same town might lead to less severe each time but more frequent adjustment issues, not to mention closer proximity to any remaining tension between the parents. at the same time the more severe adjustment necessary to go from 3 months with dad to 3 months with mom with really no transitional phase could be difficult. so the sides in my head are 1: the frequency and intensity of adjusting to a new situation, 2: consistency in daily schedule and lifestyle, and 3: maintaining relationships with both parents.
i have heard a handful of stories from friends that somebody they know had a similar arrangement and the kids were just fine, but two stories of people i've never met isn't really comforting enough for me.
i have heard a handful of stories from friends that somebody they know had a similar arrangement and the kids were just fine, but two stories of people i've never met isn't really comforting enough for me.
So far I haven't been able to find anything, even on other forums.
I'm going to just go with my gut here and say that I think she is better off having both of you in her life. It may be confusing to be without one or the other for extended periods of time but it is better than not having one of you in her life all togather.
I would think it would be preferable if one parent was able to visit the other's state on a regular basis even if it means getting a hotel room. I know that is most likely not feasable due to your jobs.
Have one of you considered moving closer to the other so that your not faced to make this decision?
I'm going to just go with my gut here and say that I think she is better off having both of you in her life. It may be confusing to be without one or the other for extended periods of time but it is better than not having one of you in her life all togather.
I would think it would be preferable if one parent was able to visit the other's state on a regular basis even if it means getting a hotel room. I know that is most likely not feasable due to your jobs.
Have one of you considered moving closer to the other so that your not faced to make this decision?
My biggest concern is that consistancy is very important in a child's life and their ability to adjust in the world.
my neighbor is doing that with her daughter. her daughter is fine with it except for the fact she has caught on she can play the parents.
When she tries to play the parents it usually makes her parents mad and then she has loyalty issues.
the important thing to remember is do not cut down the other parent or the child thinks its their fault. they think that since they are a part of both you that any insults done to the parent is an insult to them. they will always think they got both of your worse quality's.
My state has an agreement packet for situations like this and you go through and check it off to your visiting agreement. it also has suggested ages and the changes at different ages.
This is the one I found most helpful
http://www.state.ak.us/courts/forms/dr-475.pdf
I do not know if these are any good or not but they were advised
www.uptoparents.org/[/URL].
www.whileweheal.org/[/URL].
they could be bull though I don't know.
i noticed more was posted while I was writing.
My daughter who lives with her mom during the summer knows she has two homes with two different rules and two different set-ups and her mother has moved alot. She is fine with it. She looks forward to seeing her mom just as much as she looks forward to coming home.
When she tries to play the parents it usually makes her parents mad and then she has loyalty issues.
the important thing to remember is do not cut down the other parent or the child thinks its their fault. they think that since they are a part of both you that any insults done to the parent is an insult to them. they will always think they got both of your worse quality's.
My state has an agreement packet for situations like this and you go through and check it off to your visiting agreement. it also has suggested ages and the changes at different ages.
This is the one I found most helpful
http://www.state.ak.us/courts/forms/dr-475.pdf
I do not know if these are any good or not but they were advised
www.uptoparents.org/[/URL].
www.whileweheal.org/[/URL].
they could be bull though I don't know.
i noticed more was posted while I was writing.
My daughter who lives with her mom during the summer knows she has two homes with two different rules and two different set-ups and her mother has moved alot. She is fine with it. She looks forward to seeing her mom just as much as she looks forward to coming home.
mmynedshlp, if you don't mind me asking, do you know how early in life your neighbor started that with her daughter and what the specific length of time, arrangements for transporation, etc are? the more i think about the idea the more it seems to fulfill everybody's best long term interests in our specific case (drama/etc details left out here) but i'm still hesitant to really push for it.
I agree consistency is key , however I think kids are far more resilient than we give them credit for sometimes. I our case my kdis have been bounced around from different family members, they even moved in with my parents for a month. This has been happening for the past 9 months. Only the last month or so have they been consistently home with both parents, it has only been the last few weeks that daddy has been able to get out of bed, and be....dad. For the most part things just fell right back into place. There was definitley some adjustment. The family spoiled them rotten and we had to put our foot down to regain control. But they are ok and your kids will be too. I truly believe that. I grew up without a dad period. I think I am ok. (I suppose that is questionable sometimes!!!!)
ok so because of some remarkable difficulties in working out anything with my girl's mom i'm gonna be a little more specific and see what advice people can offer in this situation.
i was presented with an opportunity to make significant improvements to my life and, at least in my opinion, my daughter's well being and future prosperity. i'm thinking about moving back to the town i grew up in where i can get free tuition at the university (due to my father's position on the faculty) and potentially really good financial aid in a community with significantly lower cost of living and better access to daycare + friends with children in a similar age group to my daughter. so seeing the option of being able to get back on track with my education that got sidetracked when my girl was born in an area with better emotional support for both myself and my daughter is standing out like a sore thumb screaming "you're stupid if you don't jump at this chance". as far as i see it, the chance to get into a career that is both personally rewarding and provides enough money to actually get by comfortably (really struggling with my wages at my current job) seems like the only responsible option for me to ensure my daughter's future security. while i'm trying to make these changes myself, she's continuing to work at a job that requires a minimum of 45-60 hours/week and BARELY starting to take steps to deal with her bipolar depression.
i've been trying to find a way to further these ends while still maintaining as consistent of a relationship with both parents as i can, but i'm torn because she seems so completely unwilling to look any farther into the future than the next week or month. this only leads to a staunch refusal of any option that doesn't involve us both staying put in exactly the same jobs and exactly the same community we're in, even though i fully believe that doing so would be detrimental to our long term stability as parents. my current suggestion is to split custody into 3 month chunks with each parent with a condition of renegotiation when i finish my degree or when she's ready to start kindergarten whichever comes first and with an option of renegotiation in the event of any significant change in circumstances or noticeable detriment to our daughter. given the situation, i'm half tempted to push for sole custody but if/when my ex gets her head on straight and can focus on parenting i still want her to be present in our daughter's life.
so i guess what i'm asking is if this idea is completely moronic or if it actually has some merit, and if there are any suggestions as to how to maintain a healthy relationship with both parents while splitting custody into larger chunks like this.
i was presented with an opportunity to make significant improvements to my life and, at least in my opinion, my daughter's well being and future prosperity. i'm thinking about moving back to the town i grew up in where i can get free tuition at the university (due to my father's position on the faculty) and potentially really good financial aid in a community with significantly lower cost of living and better access to daycare + friends with children in a similar age group to my daughter. so seeing the option of being able to get back on track with my education that got sidetracked when my girl was born in an area with better emotional support for both myself and my daughter is standing out like a sore thumb screaming "you're stupid if you don't jump at this chance". as far as i see it, the chance to get into a career that is both personally rewarding and provides enough money to actually get by comfortably (really struggling with my wages at my current job) seems like the only responsible option for me to ensure my daughter's future security. while i'm trying to make these changes myself, she's continuing to work at a job that requires a minimum of 45-60 hours/week and BARELY starting to take steps to deal with her bipolar depression.
i've been trying to find a way to further these ends while still maintaining as consistent of a relationship with both parents as i can, but i'm torn because she seems so completely unwilling to look any farther into the future than the next week or month. this only leads to a staunch refusal of any option that doesn't involve us both staying put in exactly the same jobs and exactly the same community we're in, even though i fully believe that doing so would be detrimental to our long term stability as parents. my current suggestion is to split custody into 3 month chunks with each parent with a condition of renegotiation when i finish my degree or when she's ready to start kindergarten whichever comes first and with an option of renegotiation in the event of any significant change in circumstances or noticeable detriment to our daughter. given the situation, i'm half tempted to push for sole custody but if/when my ex gets her head on straight and can focus on parenting i still want her to be present in our daughter's life.
so i guess what i'm asking is if this idea is completely moronic or if it actually has some merit, and if there are any suggestions as to how to maintain a healthy relationship with both parents while splitting custody into larger chunks like this.
Your idea carries merit and is not completely moronic. Your view of building a better life for you and your daughter is a great one. However, a child spending 3 months without seeing the other parent is NOT a good idea.
Your child is only 21 months old...she's not going to understand what is happening. While children are not stupid, children of that age do not have the ability to reason...they understand based on emotion. All she will understand is that "mommy is gone" or "daddy is gone". She won't know that a visitation has been set and she'll see mom or dad in three months. Besides, could you survive without seeing your daughter for 3 months? I know that I couldn't. I can't even go 3 days without seeing my daughter without missing her incredibly.
While I admire your ability to plan ahead and look into the future for the welfare of your life and your daughter's life...I suggest you find another alternative. Does the university offer online classes? Do they have satellite campuses? Is there another option that wouldn't make your daughter be without one of her parents for 3 months?
Your child is only 21 months old...she's not going to understand what is happening. While children are not stupid, children of that age do not have the ability to reason...they understand based on emotion. All she will understand is that "mommy is gone" or "daddy is gone". She won't know that a visitation has been set and she'll see mom or dad in three months. Besides, could you survive without seeing your daughter for 3 months? I know that I couldn't. I can't even go 3 days without seeing my daughter without missing her incredibly.
While I admire your ability to plan ahead and look into the future for the welfare of your life and your daughter's life...I suggest you find another alternative. Does the university offer online classes? Do they have satellite campuses? Is there another option that wouldn't make your daughter be without one of her parents for 3 months?
we have joint custody, 7 and 7,, 7 days with dad (us) 7 days with mom,, and it has worked out okay but im having some problems with my stepson,, you can read some of my previous forums to see what im talking about, but i dunno if his behavior is caused by this situation
no he is RAISED by stepmom and dad,, babysat by grandmaw and i can't help or even know what happens at moms house and i dont appreciate the attitute whenever you dont know my situation or whats going on in my sons life, if it were up to me we would have him all the time but its not up to us its up to the court, i can't make a judge rule of my behalfSirk said:
1. don't think this is the place for drama and i don't think name calling and personal attacks are warranted even if you disagree with somebody
2. stemom briefly read your other posts and would tend to say that violent behavior and swearing would be a result of a poor example being set by one o the primary caretakers, but not knowing you, the dad, or the biological mom i can't really comment specifically on that. but i don't think those are behaviors inherent to split custody arrangements. really i think a child can be raised with good morals and behavior in a variety of custody situations as long as the parties involved are mature and responsible around the child
3. really don't think any of this is on the subject of the thread. i'm hoping to find examples of situations where children did spend extended period of time away from one parent (1-6 months) and then an equal amount of time with the other parent so we can look at the effects on the child's relationships and ways to make difficult custody situations make sense. the other side to it that its doubtful anybody here could really answer but i'll put out there anyway is that i'm stuck debating in my head whether the best arrangement for my girl in teh short-term (consistent and constant access to both parents in the same community) is more or less important and more or less valuable than trying to maintain a relationship with both parents while one party (me in this case) takes temporarily difficult but imho necessary steps to ensure better stability and standard of living over the rest of her life.
so anybody with specific examples or insight into the original topic?
2. stemom briefly read your other posts and would tend to say that violent behavior and swearing would be a result of a poor example being set by one o the primary caretakers, but not knowing you, the dad, or the biological mom i can't really comment specifically on that. but i don't think those are behaviors inherent to split custody arrangements. really i think a child can be raised with good morals and behavior in a variety of custody situations as long as the parties involved are mature and responsible around the child
3. really don't think any of this is on the subject of the thread. i'm hoping to find examples of situations where children did spend extended period of time away from one parent (1-6 months) and then an equal amount of time with the other parent so we can look at the effects on the child's relationships and ways to make difficult custody situations make sense. the other side to it that its doubtful anybody here could really answer but i'll put out there anyway is that i'm stuck debating in my head whether the best arrangement for my girl in teh short-term (consistent and constant access to both parents in the same community) is more or less important and more or less valuable than trying to maintain a relationship with both parents while one party (me in this case) takes temporarily difficult but imho necessary steps to ensure better stability and standard of living over the rest of her life.
so anybody with specific examples or insight into the original topic?
Sorry for the derail, V!king.
If you've already deemed it necessary, then you've already made up your mind and you're going to do what you want to do.
*I* personally would never move away from my kids. If The Ex got custody tomorrow I'd be living in a cardboard box on the lawn, working at McDonald's to see them every day. I'd like to think they'll remember our time spent together rather than the money.
But people move away from their kids every day.
If you've already deemed it necessary, then you've already made up your mind and you're going to do what you want to do.
*I* personally would never move away from my kids. If The Ex got custody tomorrow I'd be living in a cardboard box on the lawn, working at McDonald's to see them every day. I'd like to think they'll remember our time spent together rather than the money.
But people move away from their kids every day.