Frustrated Step Mom...

[AshleyH218]

Hello,

I have been a step mom for 2 years now. My step son is 2 and a half and very stubborn. A little background, his mom held him all the time since he was born until he was about 6 months. Every time he would cry, she gave him a bottle. No limit to the bottles, didn't want to hear him cry. His mom and my husband split when he was 6 months old. There was a custody battle for him and he stayed with my husband and his parents while it was happening. My husband moved in with me when Logan was about 9 months old to get out from his parents control and make a better life for him and his son. His mother, treated her grandson as her SON, trying to take over the control of him 100% percent. Every time he would cry or demand something, she would give it to him and he was never forced to cry out his frustrations or told no. He was developmentally behind as of then and still is slightly today.

My husband and I have been working for the last two years to get my step son under control. He has a very bad attitude and temper. The doctors have said it is the normal terrible two's. But as this has progressed, a lot of family members and the daycare, have noticed he has a very bad temper and will scream until he gets something he wants.

We have a major issue with the cup. He wants to drink all day long. The doctor has told us what they recommend we give him daily. It is never enough. He throws tantrum after tantrum if we do not give it to him. And if we turn our back, he will find any type of cup to drink out of. He was coming so far and now he is regressing.

We have tried the time out in the corner, he wont stay there. Unless we stand over him. We have tried time out in his room. For example, I put him in his room for time out and told him when he was quiet, he could come out. He proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs for 3.5 hours....

He is so stubborn and will not give up until he exhausts himself. I have talked to other mothers who have witnessed some of his tantrums and they have told me this is unusual, atleast for their experience. I feel like I am at my limit.

We do have full custody, the birth mother is not involved at all.

I love my husband and I love my step son. I just feel like I am drowning. The hours my husband works are long, so I primarily take care of the little boy. I don't mind doing that at all. I don't want to come across as that. But I feel I do not know what to do anymore. I have never had any children of my own. I am jumping in and am brand new to this.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like my marriage is really having issues, I am stressed all the time, and really hate being at home most of the time now. And I feel like I am getting to the point that I am throwing my hands up and two, wondering if I am a good mom or should have any more children.

I would appreciate any comments or help anyone can provide. Please help!

 

[Xero]

A little background, his mom held him all the time since he was born until he was about 6 months. Every time he would cry, she gave him a bottle. No limit to the bottles, didn't want to hear him cry.

Babies are meant to be held, IMO. I held my kids as much as possible until they were mobile and not as interested in being held anymore. Babies need that closeness and security, and it's great bonding. I loved it, and would never do it any differently. It is natural and instinctive for a baby to want to be close to his mom. Nurturing that instinct and need is not harmful. Also, I have always fed on demand. Or done whatever else I could to keep my babies happy and content, maybe you would call it "not crying". There is no good reason to let a baby cry if you as a parent can prevent it, IMO. Crying is not a baby's way of being obnoxious or manipulative, they aren't even capable of comprehending that. They cry because they have needs and that is the only way they have to communicate them, as they can't talk or take care of the needs themselves. Babies should not, and do not need to be, ignored IMO. Unfortunately for some people who have a hard time understanding it, babies are not hardwired to be convenient.

Every time he would cry or demand something, she would give it to him and he was never forced to cry out his frustrations or told no.

Past a certain age, I do disagree with giving a child everything they demand, obviously. That can lead to some undesireable behavior. And yes, sometimes children just need to be told no and they need to understand the word no. My kids understood that early on, starting with touching things they weren't allowed even before a year old. I gently told them no and redirected them, and eventually they started to understand that they should take their hands away when I say no, and they would even avoid the "no" areas completely after awhile. However, I don't think there is anything beneficial about a child "crying out their frustrations". That just shows the child that you don't care about their feelings (which seem petty and unimportant to us, but if you put yourself in their shoes, it is very real and important in their minds) and that even if they cry out for help, it's useless because you don't care and you wont help. Either way, you don't have to give into the child, but just acknowelege that his feelings matter and be there for him, explain things to him. Not just, say no and then let him cry his frustrations out because that's just the way it is. Know what I mean?

My husband and I have been working for the last two years to get my step son under control. He has a very bad attitude and temper. The doctors have said it is the normal terrible two's. But as this has progressed, a lot of family members and the daycare, have noticed he has a very bad temper and will scream until he gets something he wants.

It is somewhat normal, although he seems like his case might be a little amplified. His tantrums need to be either prevented, or stopped before they escalate. Parentastic outlined some good ways to do this in this thread:

http://www.parentingforums.org/showthread.php?t=13605

We have a major issue with the cup. He wants to drink all day long. The doctor has told us what they recommend we give him daily. It is never enough. He throws tantrum after tantrum if we do not give it to him. And if we turn our back, he will find any type of cup to drink out of. He was coming so far and now he is regressing.

Honestly, he's only 2. He's still just a baby. I think this is one of those things, you kind of just need to pick your battles. I think you're creating a lot of uneccessary stress by trying to force him to follow certain guidelines outlined by a doctor. A lot of kids don't eat much at this age, and would rather drink more. A lot of kids I know are exactly like that, especially at that age. If he's thirsty, he's thirsty. If you're not comfortable with giving him milk all the time, give him water. You can't have too much water. Approach this more seriously at a later age, it just isn't hurting anything IMO. Info from books and doctors are helpful guidelines, but not rules to live by.

He proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs for 3.5 hours....

I don't mean to offend, but this just makes my heart ache.... that is just too long. Could you imagine literally screaming and crying for 3.5 hours? I would be physically sick and mentally broken down. Imagine how a 2 year old must feel. I don't let my 1 year old cry if I can help it, and even if my almost 5 year old throws a tantrum I would never let him scream for any more than 5-10 minutes before I would go to him and try to resolve things. 3.5 hours is just beyond my comprehension.

I think you should try to read Parentastic's comments in that thread I linked earlier, it applies to you and I think his advice would help.

 

[parentastic]

My step son is 2 and a half and very stubborn.

All two years old are. If they are not, that's actually concerning. Their developmental needs requires them to be stubborn at that age, as they are dissociating from their parent's and discovering that they have their own will outside of the parent's will.

A little background, his mom held him all the time since he was born until he was about 6 months. Every time he would cry, she gave him a bottle. No limit to the bottles, didn't want to hear him cry.

And that's the proper way to parent a baby. By responding to a child's needs - consistently, every time the child cries - the parent creates and promotes a secure attachment, which is the foundation to a baby's ability to develop properly.

His mom and my husband split when he was 6 months old. There was a custody battle for him and he stayed with my husband and his parents while it was happening. My husband moved in with me when Logan was about 9 months old to get out from his parents control and make a better life for him and his son.

OK. So from the baby's point of view, he spent 2/3rd of his whole life in a safe and secure environment where his needs were quickly responded to and where he got attention and warmth. Then suddenly, his main attachment is ripped away from him and he is taken away to stay with strangers with whom he has not developed an attachment, and he stayed there 1/3rd of his life. This event, right there, is already affecting his development and delaying it, causing insecurity and anxiety. The world is no longer a safe place for this child.

His mother, treated her grandson as her SON, trying to take over the control of him 100% percent. Every time he would cry or demand something, she would give it to him

Thankfully, these strangers also provide for all his needs and warmth, so slowly, the traumatic event is diffused as the child tries to make new attachment bounds with his grandmother. Then BHAM! He is ripped again from that barely forming new attachment and AGAIN moved in with his dad and a new stranger. See what I mean?

and he was never forced to cry out his frustrations or told no.

You don't say "no" to a baby, he can't even understand what "no" means.
He cries because his fundamental needs are not met: he needs warmth, safety, attention, food, drink, being clean and comfortable, he needs simulations and new experiences that will trigger his 5 developing senses as well as his gross motor skills. And above all, he needs routine.

Absolutely NOTHING positive can come from letting a baby "cry out his frustrations"; however it can cause several long term developmental problems.

But as this has progressed, a lot of family members and the daycare, have noticed he has a very bad temper and will scream until he gets something he wants.

The kid is not feeling secure. He has learned across the years that the only way to get his needs met is to scream and display a tamper tantrum. Without giving up and granting him anything he wants, you need to learn to address the underlying needs and respond to that, so that the child becomes secure again over the long run. I have posted many detailed advice about this in that other thread Xero mentioned.

We have a major issue with the cup. He wants to drink all day long. The doctor has told us what they recommend we give him daily. It is never enough. He throws tantrum after tantrum if we do not give it to him. And if we turn our back, he will find any type of cup to drink out of. He was coming so far and now he is regressing.

I don't have enough data for a real diagnosis at this point. But I wouldn't be surprised if the cup is not a way for him to feel a bit more secure (a transitional object, as it is called). A way to feel just a tiny bit more safe in an ever changing, difficult unsafe environment.
If you address his underlying anxieties, you can probably solve this problem. Right now he is regressing because each time you ignore his cries and tantrum, you make things worst because you increase the anxiety and need for feeling safe.

We have tried the time out in the corner, he wont stay there. Unless we stand over him.

All alone in a corner is not only humiliating and degrading for a child, but (again) it erode the attachment and deprive him of his need for connection and attention and safety, which is the very cause of his acting-out in the first place. It's a downward spiral.

We have tried time out in his room. For example, I put him in his room for time out and told him when he was quiet, he could come out. He proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs for 3.5 hours....

It breaks my heart to think a child is in distress, suffering for three and half hours. He has no idea why he is abandoned, Ashley. You cannot solve this problem by ignoring him.

He is so stubborn and will not give up until he exhausts himself.

In this situation, he is not stubborn. HE HAS NO OTHER CHOICES because he responds to his own natural imperatives. He can no more pretend he does not need your presence and care when he suffers than you can pretend you don't need oxygen to breathe.

I have talked to other mothers who have witnessed some of his tantrums and they have told me this is unusual, atleast for their experience. I feel like I am at my limit.

Other children may not suffer from such extreme tantrums because they may have a more secure attachment to their caregiver. They did not live an intense breakup of their initial attachment after only 6 months. This is major.

We do have full custody, the birth mother is not involved at all.

I know nothing of the reasons that drove the custody battle.
But unless there was child abuse, I'd say it's very damaging for a child to be separated that early from his primary care, especially if the replacement was not meeting his basic needs in a secure and reliable way.

I love my husband and I love my step son. I just feel like I am drowning.

The only place you can change is yourself. What you are doing right now, what you have been doing, it reinforce the pattern.
That boys needs a lot of attention and love now, to compensate from the initial trauma. You need to listen to tantrums. Not ignore them. (but not accept to do everything he wants either - see my other post about this).

The hours my husband works are long, so I primarily take care of the little boy. I don't mind doing that at all. I don't want to come across as that. But I feel I do not know what to do anymore. I have never had any children of my own. I am jumping in and am brand new to this.

I think the very fact that you are now asking for help is wonderful and shows your love. Your next step is to change how you approach this. I can guarantee your step-son is not manipulating you. His brain can't even comprehend what manipulation <I>is. </I>so you need to tell yourself that what he does, he does because his brain programs him to seek what he needs (even if he has no clue what that is, so he can't ask for it). Instead he will ask for things like his bottle, not knowing how to say "I need to feel safe and loved and cuddled and I need to feel listened and I need to matter and I need you to treat me like a full person and I feel uncomfortable etc etc etc"

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like my marriage is really having issues, I am stressed all the time, and really hate being at home most of the time now.

And I can also tell you with 100% certainty that your step son <I>feels this</I>. He can perceive your stress, and he can feel that you hate the situation. But he cannot understand why. He will automatically think you hate HIM, not the situation you are in. So you really need to do a mental shift here and start anew.

Don't see him as a problem, please!
See him as a vulnerable little person who is suffering and who desperately needs your unconditional love and care.


Does any of this makes sense to you?
Sorry if my comments are abrupt, there is much to say here and I realize it may not all be easy to read. Hang in there. You can do this.

 

[bssage]

I know it may seem like everyone is down on you. But they are not. Read both the above post carefully and you will see concern and help. I agree with both post. Even if you not 100% sold on what they are telling you. Give a couple of pieces of their advice a shot. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

And I think you must be very brave and strong to enter this situation in the first place. I think even more of you for asking advice. Lets face it. Parenting can be tough for anyone. Even when you see parents with a perfect situation. I promise they are struggling from time to time.

Good luck

 

[tadamsmar]

It's highly likely you can get past this within a month.

When the kid is not tantruming, you and your husband should give him as much positive attention as you can. Praise him for acting like a big boy, having big boy self-control, play with him.

Remember how a parent praises a kid when they are starting to walk? They take joy in the smallest progress. Well, when this kid is not tantruming, think of this at his first step toward emotional maturity, give him lots of attention for every step he takes toward emotional maturity.

Parent's don't scold a kid for falling down when he is learning to walk, they just focus on the kid's progress. Similarly you should not focus on you son's tantrums.

During the tantrums, just be calm. Things will almost certainly start improving within a few days.

I don't understand why the cup is a major issue. I would just ignore the cup for a while. If there are times when he is not using the cup, give him lots of attention and praise. But, maybe you could explain more about what is so problematic about the cup. What exactly is he doing?

 

[conschofield]

I am not a step-parent and by no means want to detract from the challenges this post is acknowledging. But one of my three kids is very challenging to parent and these are absolutely God-given.

 

[tadamsmar]

Concerning the cup. There is too little information in your post about it, but I will assume it's similar to thumb sucking.

Stop limiting his access to the cup. Just ignore his using the cup.

Lavish praise or attention on him if he gives up the cup voluntarily. Give him a hug or a pat on the shoulder if he gives up the cup. Act as excited and fascinated as you would be if he just took his first step. He actually is taking his first baby step toward living without the excessive use of the cup.

Praise him in this manner if he even takes the cup away from his lips for a short time.

Now, if he never gives up the cup voluntarily, then take some action to get him to practice giving it up in the cup. You could perhaps offer him a toy that he must grasp with both hands. Try to entice him to any activity that cannot be done while he is on the cup. Perhaps with some solid food. When he gives up the cup or even moves it from his mouth praise and encourage him like he is attempting his first step.

Maybe you can make a game of his going off the cup and getting praised.

Other ideas to get him to give up the cup so you can praise him for it:
Ask him to show you his teeth or open his mouth wide.
Get him to talk or answer questions.

 

[akmom]

<I></I>

<I>A little background, his mom held him all the time since he was born until he was about 6 months. Every time he would cry, she gave him a bottle. No limit to the bottles, didn't want to hear him cry.</I>

<I>

How could someone this close to their baby suddenly be out of the picture? Did she die?

I agree with others that your expectations might be precocious for his age, especially if he is and has been developmentally delayed. Use positive reinforcement and disregard negative behavior unless it's dangerous.</I>

 

[NancyM]

Hello,

I love my husband and I love my step son. I just feel like I am drowning. The hours my husband works are long, so I primarily take care of the little boy. I don't mind doing that at all. I don't want to come across as that. But I feel I do not know what to do anymore. I have never had any children of my own. I am jumping in and am brand new to this.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like my marriage is really having issues, I am stressed all the time, and really hate being at home most of the time now. And I feel like I am getting to the point that I am throwing my hands up and two, wondering if I am a good mom or should have any more children.

I would appreciate any comments or help anyone can provide. Please help!

We all need a little help when we have a child weather it's one child or more.

I'm agreeing with some of the posts above, 2 yr olds can be a handful and feel like six babies sometimes. But honestly Im really not into that structured type of child rearing, I read a few books but felt more comfortable applying my own parenting style I felt experiencing my son's developmental growth and his life needs was just too personal, I was better at acting on instinct and following his lead.

I remember having days like you're experiencing. I do believe it's normal and try to pick your battles as someone suggested, it's just easier for you, He's just a baby and really is just doing what he knows works for him, I don't believe he's doing it ' TO YOU' that's how I feel anyway. so try not to loose your cool, and talk to him calmly.
Since you are the primary care giver I understand how stressed you feel. Try this too:

Take him outside and walk him until he can't walk anymore. lol Poop him out! Sometimes they just have pent up energy and they dont' know what to do with it, so they scream and run around like crazy, and appear to be acting spitefully fresh, I don't know, maybe they can push some buttons at that age, but I think he's doing what's pretty normal.

I use to take long walks, I'd tell my son we're going on a nature walk, he had no clue what that was but he became fascinated with it... I actually walked around the block 6 times once because I just didnt want to go back to the house confined and alone with him for 5 more hours until my husband got home. lol

I let him walk next to me as much as he could, he felt in control walking next to the stroller, and it helped get the wiggles out of him too, he got to exercise and relieve his stress as well. On the way I'd tell him to look carefully for magical things, so he payed attention and stop if he thought he spotted a fairy or something, they will see anything you tell them to. lol :cute:

Sometimes we'd walk to a park where he was able to 'run' it out of his system, than when he got home he was much calmer. and not so frustrated, I was also able to use this fun outside time as leverage when we were making a 'good behavior' deal. For instance,
If you want to go for a nature walk tomorrow, you have to do .... whatever. It worked most of the time.

Good luck.

 

[katencam]

Hello!
I had a step son when I was with my sons father, from the time the boy was about 6 months until 3 years. I loved him very much and still do, but it is very very hard. I understand....

Now I am no expert but I have dealt with 2 very very different 2-2 and a half year old during upbringing and it is difficult at times. I would say #1 remember he is 2 years old, you are not going to be able to teach him all of the behaviors he will need forever right now. Stick with the necessities....no stove, no hot, no pinch, etc etc. The more you make yourself crazy, the more you will make him crazy...IMO this is one of the times we really had to pick and choose our battles....while I did not want Cam to do some of the things he did here, sometimes you have to let go...he is developing and exploring and growing....if he wants something that is safe and child friendly...sometimes IMO give in...

As for the time out....my son is 4 and is not great at time out, at 2 he would have been climbing the walls and looking at me like I was crazy for thinking he was going to sit still. Now I do believe that definitely he can learn right and wrong now and start building fundamentals as far as time out...I just dont know.

The cup...Cam drinks so much I thought he had diabetes insipidus repeatedly....he does not he just drinks a lot....I give him juice/milk with meals only and water the rest of the time. If he is really thirsty he will drink the water, if he just wants juice/milk in lieu of a snack or something the cup sits...the real problem with all this drinking is all the peeing!!

And please dont let him cry for 3 hours again, Im 30 and cannot imagine myself crying for 3 hours


One thing I thought to keep myself sane during both boys is that....

"I'm the adult, he is the child, however neither of us know what the hell we are doing! Come together and learn together"

 

[katencam]

And one more thing read and re-read NancyM's post...when both boys were (are) crazy and there is no consoling...I ran them like horses!!! In the yard, in the house, in the driveway, stores, where ever there was room. When I could not take them and they could not take me (still with Camden) eventually I would/will look at him and say "There is nothing else to do here except run" and they run...and when they run enough they will fall (asleep)


Oh and most of the time I run too...sometimes it is run or cry

 

[NancyM]

And one more thing read and re-read NancyM's post...when both boys were (are) crazy and there is no consoling...I ran them like horses!!! In the yard, in the house, in the driveway, stores, where ever there was room. When I could not take them and they could not take me (still with Camden) eventually I would/will look at him and say "There is nothing else to do here except run" and they run...and when they run enough they will fall (asleep)


Oh and most of the time I run too...sometimes it is run or cry

:smile: my thoughts exactly! lol