This is my first time posting and I am looking for some advice on how to deal with my future MIL. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years and just got engaged a month ago. Both of us have 2 children each from previous marriages and a one year old together. His mom does not like me and neither or I can figure out why. But quite frankly, I don't even care anymore that she doesn't like me or that she doesn't approve of our upcoming marriage. What concerns me is how she is treating my children (the 2 I have from another marriage that are not blood related to her). Everytime she comes to our house to visit, she hardly adknowledges them and goes straight to the child we have together (or his 2 from a previous marriage if it's their weekend to visit). She is always bringing new toys and clothes for the 3 kids that are biologically his, but my 2 kids get left out. My children have called her "Grandma" for 5 years, even though she is not "technically" their grandma. I have discussed my concern with my fiance and he agrees with me, it's not right for her to treat them differently. We treat all 5 of our children the same. We don't do for one what we wouldn't do for the other 4. What happened today just really irritated me. She showed up at our house (unannounced) and brought 3 of the kids pictures to hang in their rooms. They were of something called spinart that she had made herself, so pretty inexpensive I'm sure. My 2 kids didn't get a picture. My fiance's kids weren't even there, but she made it very clear that those pictures were for them. She gave our 1 year old his picture and he just threw it in the floor because 1 year olds really don't care about things like that. My 2 children would have probably loved it though, not only because it was unique, but because they would have enjoyed being given a gift by their grandma. Has anyone else been in this situation that can help me out? I'm to the point where I'm about to just go off on her when she does things like this. I've even debated on whether or not to tell my children to just call her by her first name instead of "Grandma" since she doesn't want to act like one to them. They are really young too (ages 7 & 8) so I know it confuses them. I'm just tired of my kids being treated unfairly because they are "step grandkids".
Grandma Treating Step-kids Differently...
- Thread starter mlperryman
- Start date
Has your fiance spoken to his mother about this? It probably wouldn't change anything, but it is probably the only chance of doing so. A grown woman is not likely to change, but before you give up you should try everything you can.
If that doesn't work, I think you have two choices. You can either accept that she is never going to change, or you can tell her she is not allowed to visit again unless she changes.
If you decide to accept that she is never going to change, you have to explain her behavior on some level to all your children. I don't know how, but they all have to know that it isn't their fault. That some people are just weak, even grown-ups.
I wouldn't go off on her, though I would calmly tell her at some point how petty she is being to take her dislike for you out on two innocent children and that you sure hope that any step grandparent of her two grandchildren isn't emotionally scarring them the way she is scarring your children, but that you doubt any other grown woman could be so cruel and evil. (Sorry, I guess that is going off on her.)
If you decide to tell her she can't visit unless she changes, you'll probably still want to explain things to the children.
If that doesn't work, I think you have two choices. You can either accept that she is never going to change, or you can tell her she is not allowed to visit again unless she changes.
If you decide to accept that she is never going to change, you have to explain her behavior on some level to all your children. I don't know how, but they all have to know that it isn't their fault. That some people are just weak, even grown-ups.
I wouldn't go off on her, though I would calmly tell her at some point how petty she is being to take her dislike for you out on two innocent children and that you sure hope that any step grandparent of her two grandchildren isn't emotionally scarring them the way she is scarring your children, but that you doubt any other grown woman could be so cruel and evil. (Sorry, I guess that is going off on her.)
If you decide to tell her she can't visit unless she changes, you'll probably still want to explain things to the children.
Your fiancé has to be the one to set the ground rules with his mother. He needs to make it clear that she either treats the children equally or their will be no more gift giving of any kind allowed in the house anymore.
I completely agree with Mom2Many. Your fiance needs to be a man and talk to her about this, because it is obviously unacceptable. He needs to tell her that he considers your kids his own and that he cares for them very much, and will not tolerate seeing them left out like that. He needs to tell her that if she is going to give gifts, then she needs to be fair and bring a gift for each kid, related to her or not. If she can't afford that, or doesn't want to do that, then nobody needs to get gifts. Its simple. She's not stupid, she knows that if she brings presents for those kids and not yours, she is hurting their feelings and making them feel very clearly left out. She knows what she's doing. Do not allow her to do it. Definitely have your fiance talk to her, and end it now before it gets too out of control. :/
(The reason I say for him to talk to her is because she is HIS mother, and you wouldn't expect him to deal with YOUR mother, and it would also only make you look like the b**ch, you know?)
(The reason I say for him to talk to her is because she is HIS mother, and you wouldn't expect him to deal with YOUR mother, and it would also only make you look like the b**ch, you know?)
I completely agree with what has been said already. Grandma needs to get with the program. And your fiancee needs to be the one to lay out the ground rules the two of you decide on. Sounds like grandma is being very passive aggressive and that is wrong on so many levels. You have 5 children in your family, and as a parent, you need to make sure that they get treated equally by everyone in the family.
Good luck! It sounds like no matter what you do, grandma is going to be mad. I think she will like you even less, but hopefully she will take it out on you instead of little kids that don't deserve her misdirected anger.
Good luck! It sounds like no matter what you do, grandma is going to be mad. I think she will like you even less, but hopefully she will take it out on you instead of little kids that don't deserve her misdirected anger.
I'm going to agree with everyone else. It's lame that your husband to be hasn't ironed this out with his mom. Sure, she's going to treat her blood children with some certain natural affection, but what she's doing is intentional and hurtful.
Now, on the other hand, I disagree a bit on the assessment of 7 and 8 yos as too young to understand. I think it's the perfect age to tell them that yes, you see the difference in how they are treated, you don't know why, and that sometimes people do things we don't understand. Maybe she's not doing it intentionally, she's jus a very un-thinking person, but you need to prepare your kids to deal with less than wonderful circumstance. They have parents and siblings (and presumebly other grandparents) that love thenm very much and they need to focus on that.
Now, on the other hand, I disagree a bit on the assessment of 7 and 8 yos as too young to understand. I think it's the perfect age to tell them that yes, you see the difference in how they are treated, you don't know why, and that sometimes people do things we don't understand. Maybe she's not doing it intentionally, she's jus a very un-thinking person, but you need to prepare your kids to deal with less than wonderful circumstance. They have parents and siblings (and presumebly other grandparents) that love thenm very much and they need to focus on that.
Thanks for the input everyone. My fiance has already told her once before that I didn't think she treated the children fairly, but she has continued to do it. I like the idea of no gifts at all if she can't get them for all 5 children. My family doesn't act this way towards his kids. Even my EX husband & his mom got my fiance's daughter a birthday gift this year. His mom has been acting this way for a while, but things have really gotten worse since we stopped letting her babysit our 1 year old. She fed him peanuts after I specifically said that peanuts were a choking hazard for toddlers, so we both decided that she was not going to babysit anymore. So now, she sees the kids left often, so when she does come over, she's bringing the gifts. I have kept my mouth shut about it for a long time, but this is really an issue for me. It hurts me to see someone hurting my kids like that, and even though I don't want to make things worse between her & me, I'm not going to allow someone to treat my children differently because they're not "blood" related. My fiance claims my boys as his sons. We even went as far as talk with an attorney about him adopting them a couple years ago (this was before my ex came back into the picture and decided to start acting like a dad to them). His mom was NOT happy about the adoption either, even though it fell through. As a matter of fact, when I got pregnant with our youngest, all she said when we announced the pregnancy was "you don't need anymore kids". I think some of her problem with me is that she didn't like her first daughter-in-law, so she don't want to even give me a chance. And while that does bother me, I'm an adult so I can accept it. But I will not accept her treating my children like outcast because she hates me. So I guess it's time for him to have another talk with her and see where that goes.
Very frustrating. I do think that you should sit down with your fiancee and hammer out all of the details of what needs to be said. Write down the ground rules. It will help the two of you get on the same page and also help when he sits down with his mom. Always good to have a 'cheat sheet' when you are going into such an emotionally charged conversation. Sometimes we get off track and forget to say something that needs to be said. And from what you've said about grandma, it probably would be smart to not only lay out the rules, but lay out some consequences as well. Then you will all know if X happens, then Y will happen. And I don't think that if you talk to her it will do much good. It needs to come from someone she cares for or she just wont get it. Good luck!
I'm going to take a little different approach, and probably a little less "PC." I'm a step-granny - and beyond elated to be so. I have a "step" grandson, aged 4, and "step" granddaughter, aged 9, and I could not imagine loving those 2 kids any more than I do, blood or no blood.
HOWEVER, I did NOT consider myself as their grandmother until I had married their grandfather. Now, I have been with my husband for 8 1/2 years. My granddaughter was 1 1/2 years when I first met her - she doesn't remember a time I wasn't in her life. I was there the night my grandson was born. But, my husband and I did not marry until last year. Even though friends and some relatives tried to encourage the whole "grandma" thing, I was insistant. I was NOT those children grandparent. I loved them, I cherished them, it would have killed me to not be in their lives. But stuff happens, and relationships change, and I wasn't about to start having these kids start thinking of me as "grandma" when, in reality, their grandfather and I were not legally entangled. Yes, I do believe there is a difference.
Once we were married, friends and relatives started asking when the kids were going to call me "grandma." My response? Their kids. They see the relationship as they see it, and when they are ready to accept me in that role they will let me know. It didn't take long after the wedding before my grandson did start calling me "grandma." And it was the most beautiful word I think I'd ever heard - we were BOTH ready for it! It took my granddaughter a few more months, but she has fully accepted this relationship as natural, too, and I couldn't be happier.
To my way of thinking, when two people who have children from prior relationships get together, they are fulling involved with each other and that's good. However, they expect everyone else around them to be JUST as fully involved, and if/when that doesn't happen, people get into a snit. Just because you and your fiancee have fallen in love, doesn't necessarily mean that everyone else has to have an "instant" relationship. Sometimes these have to develop over time. I'm also I bit concerned about you saying your children have been calling your financee's mother "grandma" for quite a while. What brought that on? Were they encouraged to do this? Were they told to do this as opposed to building their own relationship with your fiancee's mother? See, if my husband's grandchildren had started calling me "grandma" very early in our relationship, I would have been put off. My thought would have been to allow ME to build my OWN relationship with the children, rather than forcing a relationship. Perhaps that relationship would be one of grandparent/grandchildren, or maybe something else.
I can understand no parent wants to see their child(ren) hurt. But perhaps instead of telling your fiancee's mother what "she needs to do," maybe an open diaglog would accomplish more? Put away the hurt egos and "I don't like hers," and the "she doesn't like me's." If you plan on marrying this man, this is his mother, and unless you want to come between them, I would suggest finding a way to get along. Sit down and talk. Be open to hearing what she might have to say - good and bad. If it's just you and your fiancee always telling HER what SHE's doing wrong, that is a bit one-sided.
But, whatever you decide, I wish you, your fiancee, and your family the best.
HOWEVER, I did NOT consider myself as their grandmother until I had married their grandfather. Now, I have been with my husband for 8 1/2 years. My granddaughter was 1 1/2 years when I first met her - she doesn't remember a time I wasn't in her life. I was there the night my grandson was born. But, my husband and I did not marry until last year. Even though friends and some relatives tried to encourage the whole "grandma" thing, I was insistant. I was NOT those children grandparent. I loved them, I cherished them, it would have killed me to not be in their lives. But stuff happens, and relationships change, and I wasn't about to start having these kids start thinking of me as "grandma" when, in reality, their grandfather and I were not legally entangled. Yes, I do believe there is a difference.
Once we were married, friends and relatives started asking when the kids were going to call me "grandma." My response? Their kids. They see the relationship as they see it, and when they are ready to accept me in that role they will let me know. It didn't take long after the wedding before my grandson did start calling me "grandma." And it was the most beautiful word I think I'd ever heard - we were BOTH ready for it! It took my granddaughter a few more months, but she has fully accepted this relationship as natural, too, and I couldn't be happier.
To my way of thinking, when two people who have children from prior relationships get together, they are fulling involved with each other and that's good. However, they expect everyone else around them to be JUST as fully involved, and if/when that doesn't happen, people get into a snit. Just because you and your fiancee have fallen in love, doesn't necessarily mean that everyone else has to have an "instant" relationship. Sometimes these have to develop over time. I'm also I bit concerned about you saying your children have been calling your financee's mother "grandma" for quite a while. What brought that on? Were they encouraged to do this? Were they told to do this as opposed to building their own relationship with your fiancee's mother? See, if my husband's grandchildren had started calling me "grandma" very early in our relationship, I would have been put off. My thought would have been to allow ME to build my OWN relationship with the children, rather than forcing a relationship. Perhaps that relationship would be one of grandparent/grandchildren, or maybe something else.
I can understand no parent wants to see their child(ren) hurt. But perhaps instead of telling your fiancee's mother what "she needs to do," maybe an open diaglog would accomplish more? Put away the hurt egos and "I don't like hers," and the "she doesn't like me's." If you plan on marrying this man, this is his mother, and unless you want to come between them, I would suggest finding a way to get along. Sit down and talk. Be open to hearing what she might have to say - good and bad. If it's just you and your fiancee always telling HER what SHE's doing wrong, that is a bit one-sided.
But, whatever you decide, I wish you, your fiancee, and your family the best.
Telling her that you didn't think she treated the kids fairly isn't going to work. It's not your opinion that she doesn't treat the kids fairly but a fact that she doesn't. In a way she is disproving of you and the kids from your previous marriage. That is so wrong. If she doesn't respect you all as a family, she should stop visiting you. If she wants to be part of your family, she should accept everyone with love. It may be difficult for her to do wholeheartedly but she can at least fake it. Perhaps that's the best you can ask for at this point. But as she exercises the kindness to your children, her heart may change. Who knows.mlperryman said:
I'm going to take a little different approach, and probably a little less "PC." I'm a step-granny - and beyond elated to be so. I have a "step" grandson, aged 4, and "step" granddaughter, aged 9, and I could not imagine loving those 2 kids any more than I do, blood or no blood.
HOWEVER, I did NOT consider myself as their grandmother until I had married their grandfather. Now, I have been with my husband for 8 1/2 years. My granddaughter was 1 1/2 years when I first met her - she doesn't remember a time I wasn't in her life. I was there the night my grandson was born. But, my husband and I did not marry until last year. Even though friends and some relatives tried to encourage the whole "grandma" thing, I was insistant. I was NOT those children grandparent. I loved them, I cherished them, it would have killed me to not be in their lives. But stuff happens, and relationships change, and I wasn't about to start having these kids start thinking of me as "grandma" when, in reality, their grandfather and I were not legally entangled. Yes, I do believe there is a difference.
Once we were married, friends and relatives started asking when the kids were going to call me "grandma." My response? Their kids. They see the relationship as they see it, and when they are ready to accept me in that role they will let me know. It didn't take long after the wedding before my grandson did start calling me "grandma." And it was the most beautiful word I think I'd ever heard - we were BOTH ready for it! It took my granddaughter a few more months, but she has fully accepted this relationship as natural, too, and I couldn't be happier.
To my way of thinking, when two people who have children from prior relationships get together, they are fulling involved with each other and that's good. However, they expect everyone else around them to be JUST as fully involved, and if/when that doesn't happen, people get into a snit. Just because you and your fiancee have fallen in love, doesn't necessarily mean that everyone else has to have an "instant" relationship. Sometimes these have to develop over time. I'm also I bit concerned about you saying your children have been calling your financee's mother "grandma" for quite a while. What brought that on? Were they encouraged to do this? Were they told to do this as opposed to building their own relationship with your fiancee's mother? See, if my husband's grandchildren had started calling me "grandma" very early in our relationship, I would have been put off. My thought would have been to allow ME to build my OWN relationship with the children, rather than forcing a relationship. Perhaps that relationship would be one of grandparent/grandchildren, or maybe something else.
I can understand no parent wants to see their child(ren) hurt. But perhaps instead of telling your fiancee's mother what "she needs to do," maybe an open diaglog would accomplish more? Put away the hurt egos and "I don't like hers," and the "she doesn't like me's." If you plan on marrying this man, this is his mother, and unless you want to come between them, I would suggest finding a way to get along. Sit down and talk. Be open to hearing what she might have to say - good and bad. If it's just you and your fiancee always telling HER what SHE's doing wrong, that is a bit one-sided.
But, whatever you decide, I wish you, your fiancee, and your family the best.
HOWEVER, I did NOT consider myself as their grandmother until I had married their grandfather. Now, I have been with my husband for 8 1/2 years. My granddaughter was 1 1/2 years when I first met her - she doesn't remember a time I wasn't in her life. I was there the night my grandson was born. But, my husband and I did not marry until last year. Even though friends and some relatives tried to encourage the whole "grandma" thing, I was insistant. I was NOT those children grandparent. I loved them, I cherished them, it would have killed me to not be in their lives. But stuff happens, and relationships change, and I wasn't about to start having these kids start thinking of me as "grandma" when, in reality, their grandfather and I were not legally entangled. Yes, I do believe there is a difference.
Once we were married, friends and relatives started asking when the kids were going to call me "grandma." My response? Their kids. They see the relationship as they see it, and when they are ready to accept me in that role they will let me know. It didn't take long after the wedding before my grandson did start calling me "grandma." And it was the most beautiful word I think I'd ever heard - we were BOTH ready for it! It took my granddaughter a few more months, but she has fully accepted this relationship as natural, too, and I couldn't be happier.
To my way of thinking, when two people who have children from prior relationships get together, they are fulling involved with each other and that's good. However, they expect everyone else around them to be JUST as fully involved, and if/when that doesn't happen, people get into a snit. Just because you and your fiancee have fallen in love, doesn't necessarily mean that everyone else has to have an "instant" relationship. Sometimes these have to develop over time. I'm also I bit concerned about you saying your children have been calling your financee's mother "grandma" for quite a while. What brought that on? Were they encouraged to do this? Were they told to do this as opposed to building their own relationship with your fiancee's mother? See, if my husband's grandchildren had started calling me "grandma" very early in our relationship, I would have been put off. My thought would have been to allow ME to build my OWN relationship with the children, rather than forcing a relationship. Perhaps that relationship would be one of grandparent/grandchildren, or maybe something else.
I can understand no parent wants to see their child(ren) hurt. But perhaps instead of telling your fiancee's mother what "she needs to do," maybe an open diaglog would accomplish more? Put away the hurt egos and "I don't like hers," and the "she doesn't like me's." If you plan on marrying this man, this is his mother, and unless you want to come between them, I would suggest finding a way to get along. Sit down and talk. Be open to hearing what she might have to say - good and bad. If it's just you and your fiancee always telling HER what SHE's doing wrong, that is a bit one-sided.
But, whatever you decide, I wish you, your fiancee, and your family the best.
Step23 - I completely agree with everything you have said, it all makes perfect sense. The only thing I still think is unacceptable however is the gift giving to the other kids in front of the step kids, and very blatantly and thoughtlessly leaving them out. I think that's an entirely different thing than having a relationship with stepchildren, what kind of relationship, and whether it is permanent or not. Those are all important things to consider when being involved with stepkids, however no matter what the circumstances are they will still be very hurt and confused and feeling left out when the other kids in their household are getting gifts and the person giving them is clearly going out of their way not to include them. I personally think that in that aspect, if she can't handle trying to make it fair then she shouldn't do it at all.
In agreement with quite a few AND I have been there, my husbands parents and gramma were doing the same thing to my 2 kids at first, because his were lying as we all know they do when families are blending. OK so his parents/gramma believed it, did the same thing. My husband, then fiance, tried to talk to them and tell them what was going on, that my kids are going to be his kids (he is in the process of adoption and is their stepfather..at this time he was my fiance) and what was going on with his biological 2. They started yelling at him about not believing the kids and they would never lie..etc..etc..it got ugly...so he told them until they decided to work with us and all the children in blending and accepting we are all family now as its his decision, not theirs, they could butt out. He didn't talk to them for a year.
I actually kicked the communication back up and by then, his kids were over their lying kick and boy were they ever embarrassed, especially when they found out the lies the kids told about THEM...But since then, they have treated all our babies the same. We will allow nothing more or less. Its our job as parents to protect our children in all ways, including emotionally and mentally. Make it clear, talk to your fiance and as your not yet married I'd have him handle it with his family. With you by his side, but him talking, this way she knows its from him.
Good luck! I know the feeling well! *hugs*
I actually kicked the communication back up and by then, his kids were over their lying kick and boy were they ever embarrassed, especially when they found out the lies the kids told about THEM...But since then, they have treated all our babies the same. We will allow nothing more or less. Its our job as parents to protect our children in all ways, including emotionally and mentally. Make it clear, talk to your fiance and as your not yet married I'd have him handle it with his family. With you by his side, but him talking, this way she knows its from him.
Good luck! I know the feeling well! *hugs*
Step23 ~ I have to say we did the same approach with titles as such, but to intentionally leave out a child is another matter in gifts and such. Related or not. Example, If I have 6 kids here (Which happens ALOT might I add LOL!), my 2 biological, Davids 2 biological and 2 neighbor kids..I'm not going to just give My 2 bio banana splits, his 2 regular sundays and the neighborhood kids an icy and a glare..I mean comeon, they are kids..Even if she didnt want them to call her gramma.. though if she did not like that, she should have handled it 5 years ago not now they that is who they accept her as and see that she is intentionally leaving them out KNOWING shes allowed innocent children, who don't comprehend any of this technical stuff..to attach to her in this manner... She accepted this title 5 years ago..yaknow? Thats my thoughts anyway.
Mlperrymen, I agree with everyone as far as grandma needs to stop buying for the children she likes more. That's just not right.
I think it's a good idea for YOU AND your husband to sit down with grandma and GRANDPA (so he can hear exactly what was said when she tries to blow it out of proportion), and have an honest talk. I also have a good husband who is spineless however when it comes to his mother, and because I always tried to keep the peace over the years, this woman dominated our lives every way she could.
I put a stop it it all finally once my son was born and she tried to control his life too, but my point is that she never respected my wishes because I never voiced them, now I don't even go through my husband I just tell her myself.
And guess what...she listens!
Don't become invisible to her, your husband will probably always be passive when it comes to mom,and it gets worse once your married to her son, so start standing your ground now, do it respectfully and maturely but be firm, they're your children!
I think it's a good idea for YOU AND your husband to sit down with grandma and GRANDPA (so he can hear exactly what was said when she tries to blow it out of proportion), and have an honest talk. I also have a good husband who is spineless however when it comes to his mother, and because I always tried to keep the peace over the years, this woman dominated our lives every way she could.
I put a stop it it all finally once my son was born and she tried to control his life too, but my point is that she never respected my wishes because I never voiced them, now I don't even go through my husband I just tell her myself.
And guess what...she listens!
Don't become invisible to her, your husband will probably always be passive when it comes to mom,and it gets worse once your married to her son, so start standing your ground now, do it respectfully and maturely but be firm, they're your children!
I am in a similar situation with my mother in law, except the kids are all her "blood" grand children. She is treating my husbands and I kids different than my husbands first two children, who have been with us since they were just little ones. I wouldn't tell your kids to call her by her name I would just leave it as is. But what we did was my husband told his mom that if she had to choose all our family or none of it. I know it sounds drastic but when my 8 year old came to me and said "why doesn't grandma like me," and then my 4 year old came to me a week latter and asked what she did wrong for grandma not to want to see her anymore, my heart nearly broke in pieces. Good luck to you.
Thats basically what we did as well, the gramma is teh adult, not the innocent child. She is responsible to see them as children and to act as such.
Wow, that woman sounds like a piece of work! I would just sit her down and say I understand if you don't like me but don't take it out on my children. If she doesn't change after that then she isn't even worth it in my opinion.
The best is that your fiance solve the problem with her mom. Each of your intervention can lead to deterioration of the situation.