Help!! Frustrated Mommy!!!!!...

[button611]

no my husband does not smell too different other than he doesn't wear my perfume (that would be silly), but he does have a stubbly face and that has been an argument we have had since her birtrh-because he leaves her face all red and blotchy after kissing her, I have told him her skin is just too delicate and sensitive for face stubble. I actually told him to imagine the most sensitive skin on his body and then rub sandpaper on it and see how it feels and that is what she feels when getting kisses from daddy-he just calls me overprotective and crazy! I am glad to know that she will grow out of it. I heard back from the doctor again last night and they suggested that we work with her around feedings and have daddy do the feeding so she conects him with something she enjoys! I just hope that that does not backfire and the only way she will be ok with daddy is if he has food-because then we will have to go on the Maury Povich show with our 500 lb baby!!

 

[Kaytee]

I agree with Fooser, if it is that bad. THe best thing to do is go out to luch with some friends one afternoon. Let dad and baby get used to each other.
I also think its a phase. Nichole was the same way and DH was always aying the same thing "she doesn't like me" It's normal. When does it end? well depends on the child. DD is now 2 and just starting to want to go to daddy sometimes. Now if she is hurt she wants me! But sometimes now if we are out she will ask daddy to hold her.

 

[ljmahr]

I agree, its just a phase. Kids usually lean towards the parent they are around more, until they grow out of it. My 2 1/2 yr. old used to do the same thing. Now she can not wait for daddy to come home from work. She likes him more now I think because she see's me all day. At least I get her when he is at work, lol.

 

[EHB]

I'm curious about whether your husband has taken care of any of your daughter's immediate needs, or if you always do that. I had one daughter who would only allow me to hold her and she'd cry if anyone else tried. She didn't like Dad either. I had to go in for my tubal ligation and my husband had to watch and care for my daughter while I was in the surgery. He said she was miserable up until the time he changed her #2 diaper. When she realized he was actually taking care of her she started to bond with him.

I think (not saying in your case) a lot of fathers are uncomfortable with basic care, like bathing, diaper changing, feeding, etc. A child can end up equating the parent who takes care of these basic needs as his or her lifeline and fear that nobody else will do it. So, if you husband does not change her diaper, I am inclined to think that this could be part of the issue.

I also think the beard thing is huge. If she has associated pain with him, it's difficult to change that. Perhaps he could switch to lightly kissing the inside of her hand, where she is less sensitive and so that she can re-associate his kisses with tickling as opposed to pain.

 

[pp1]

my advice is to sit there with her and her dad. don't pick her up, though. just sit with her until she feels comfortable. NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES! if after a while she isn't settling in to bond, play with her whille daddy's holding her. in time, the uneasyness will pass.

 

[button611]

I like the idea of him kissing her elsewhere where it may be less painful-ideally I would prefer he just stop being lazy and shave but that is a whole other issue. I think if he will take over more of her care other that feeding her, and we try the time together at nights just sitting instead of constantly screwing with her then we may be able to make this work yet. Thanks to everyone for their advice and I will keep you updated on our progress.

 

[fallon]

Some thoughts....does dad smell alot different from you? For us my husband smokes. My husband has a stubbly face. For an infant those could be a big deal. My husband and I do totally different things with our boy. When he's tired, sick, hungry, etc he only wants me. If he wants to ruff house and be loud he wants daddy. Havoc has been like that since birth. He does cry when I go out of the room but not when dad does. Luckily it doesn't take much to distract him. Good luck to you.

same here...Logan goes to dad for crazy playtime but for anything else he's a mama's boy 100%

 

[evilbrent]

I've got some thoughts.

Just knowing that it's a phase doesn't help you understand.

Its seems to be related to security: she feels anxious that mum's not around - abandonment fears, even if it's not a reasonable fear.

Are you a 'swooper'?? When your baby cries, whimpers, moans or has trouble doing anything, do you swoop in and rescue her? Or do you give her a moment to work it out for herself? When anyone, not even Dad, is holding the baby and there's a bit of a grizzle happening, do you say something like "Yeah, she does that. maybe just give her a bit of a tap on the bum, it's probably gas." or do you swoop in and take the baby back and leave the room whispering sweet nothings in her ear?

maybe, when she starts screaming in dad's hands, you could come and sit close to dad, so that her anxiety reduces, but you still don't Save The Day.

He's the dad. Providing love is his job too.

I'm not being mean here, but I think that a lot of parenting problems can be solved by studying ourselves first - is this anything to do with your own need to not let the baby cry?

 

[button611]

I had not thought about it much but in the past I have been more of a "swooper" as you call it. I have benn know to say "What did you do?" or "What happened?" And it is not that I am angry with him it is more the fact that she was just fine when I left her. I have sinced stopped that behavior and I am trying not to be a "swooper". I was thinking about it last night after talking to my husband and I guess my problem is more with the fact that now he has taken on the "I don't care if she hates me, I will just leave her alone" attitude, rather than listen to my advice and try and make things work. He has said that it does not hurt his feelings that she does not like him so he will just sit back, not do anything with her and wait for her to come around and realize daddy is not soo bad. I guess my frustration lies there with the fact that I feel as though he could care less if we even had a baby now or not. He used to be soo excited about having kids and now it seems as though our dreams of having a happy family are diminishing. I also get frustrated because then it is hard to get things done when all you do all day is work and then come home and take care of the baby. The only time to get things done then is after she has gone to bed, and by that point I am exhausted as well. Thanks for pointing out my "swooping" behavior, maybe I am still doing more of it than I realize, I will keep it in check and see if that helps.

 

[BethInAK]

they have these stages where they reallly want their moms. Perhaps you need to go get a manicure and go shopping by yourself and leave her with your husband so he gets some quality time.

 

[evilbrent]

I had not thought about it much but in the past I have been more of a "swooper" as you call it. I have benn know to say "What did you do?" or "What happened?" And it is not that I am angry with him it is more the fact that she was just fine when I left her. I have sinced stopped that behavior and I am trying not to be a "swooper". I was thinking about it last night after talking to my husband and I guess my problem is more with the fact that now he has taken on the "I don't care if she hates me, I will just leave her alone" attitude, rather than listen to my advice and try and make things work. He has said that it does not hurt his feelings that she does not like him so he will just sit back, not do anything with her and wait for her to come around and realize daddy is not soo bad. I guess my frustration lies there with the fact that I feel as though he could care less if we even had a baby now or not. He used to be soo excited about having kids and now it seems as though our dreams of having a happy family are diminishing. I also get frustrated because then it is hard to get things done when all you do all day is work and then come home and take care of the baby. The only time to get things done then is after she has gone to bed, and by that point I am exhausted as well. Thanks for pointing out my "swooping" behavior, maybe I am still doing more of it than I realize, I will keep it in check and see if that helps.

cool.

i'm glad to see that your open to introspection, it's a very hard thing for a lot of people to do.

btw - the fact of having the first child often dampens everyone's enthusiasm for more kids in the first year. it's when they blossom into an adorable little 1 yr old that you both start to feel more clucky. that's the cycle that i've noticed anyway. makes evolutionary sense.

 

[BethInAK]

btw - the fact of having the first child often dampens everyone's enthusiasm for more kids in the first year. it's when they blossom into an adorable little 1 yr old that you both start to feel more clucky. that's the cycle that i've noticed anyway. makes evolutionary sense.

LOL my son will be 3 in june and i'm still waiting for that enthusiasm ...
WHERE THE HECK IS IT?

My husband has it... but I'm kind of comfortable.

 

[button611]

thank god I found this website, I was beginning to think that I was the only crazy one out there and maybe I needed to go see a shrink or something, but I am glad to know that all of you have gone through/or are going through the same things. I would love more children someday (like years from now) but hopefully the two of them will start to get along better as she gets older. Just a little side note: for whatever reason yesterday, they both got along with each other great! We had a busy day of running errands around town and together they both did it with a little giggling even. It was a great day, so I made sure that the proper amount of encouragment was givin without overstepping the boundaries. Lets keep our fingers crossed that today will be a repeat of the events!!!!!

 

[Miss2Mrs2008]

My boys both the same they 4 & 2yrs now and dont bother that much with clinging to me............ unless i have sweets in my bag..... would say its a phase my boys very independant. Your daughter will soon get use to not being attached to you so long as you take time out and she will then become aware you can leave her with her dad but mom will return later.

 

[jtee]

unless i have sweets in my bag.....

Thats pretty funny.

 

[aliinnc]

One more small suggestion: sometimes my DH didn't seem to have any ideas of what to do with the kids when they were tiny. Perhaps you could leave them with a list of maybe three activities to do together.

fingerpaint
bake cornbread together
build with blocks
go to the playground
walk around the block

Good luck.

 

[button611]

Luckily, thanks to all the help from you guys the two of them are doing soo much better together-its almost a 180 from where they were 2 weeks ago. We had a bunch of people over from my work on Sat. and he was in charge of her for a few hours and I cannot tell you how pleased I was with their performance. She has gotten past her phase I think and for the mostpart enjoys being around her daddy now-she even smiles when he comes in the room!!!!