how did you explain 'gay' ?...

[alter ego]

my sister commented this morning on how lucky we are that we dont have to explain what 'homosexuality' is to our kids, since our mums are lesbians and all.
they know its perfectly normal for people to love people, and sometimes kids have 2 mums/dads, and have since they were very young.
how did you explain that to your kids? and at what age?

 

[mom2many]

Interesting question, I am not really sure how I explained it per se, not at what age. Very young I am sure, with my older crew it probably started off of a tv show. With my younger crew my DD's bestfriend is gay.

I teach they are people no different then me or them...period. That they want the same things we want and that they are entitled to the the same things we are.

 

[Jeremy+3]

I don't think its any different to explaining why someone has dark skin, or parents of different race, I don't know why people make such a fuss about it really. It does make me laugh though when parents go crazy about books at school about gay people then dig a big hole trying to get people to believe they aren't homophobic.

 

[IADad]

well so far, we're not giving any more information than he's ready to handle. So, we've only made comments that people sometimes live in different committed relationships. When there's more curiousity we'll explain deeper. It's an interesting topic because he goes to a Catholic school, in a very liberal town in a state that has legal gay marriage, so definitely a place where people who need to draw black and white distinctions have trouble functioning.

 

[NancyM]

I never thought of explaining Gay as a scary or horrible thing. I don't remember how it came about if it ever did at all, my son is 20 now, I think he just heard it through TV shows, and probably in school.

I've raised him to live and let live, so I'm pretty sure I included same sex relationships in that theory as well. Today he doesn't ever mentioned it in a negative way, so I don't think it really phases him one way or another.

I do know when the Gay Marriage issue was happening a few months ago, we did talk about it while it was on the news, and he was kind of annoyed like I was, that so many people are trying to stop it. He said it's no one's business who two adults want to marry, and he seemed to have the same point of view that I had.

I think he's pretty cool now that I think of it.

 

[Bicimom]

This is actually really interesting to me. I am trying to approach of NEVER telling my children who is supposed to love who. As long as they know what love is, that is all my husband and I care about. I think it is much more important to know how to love than to learn definitions of love. I don't know if what we're doing is the "correct" way of parenting, however, I can confidently say that my children already know how to love unconditionally.

 

[Mike McConnell]

i dont have an answer... my boy is only 5... I'm following the thread to learn.

I did have to explain it's not a good word to use... he picked it up from his cousin.

 

[asiangirlytoes]

Our daughter is 8, and we havent had that talk yet. I'm not sure how to have it either. I would probably tell her that girls marry boys, and she will marry a boy someday, just like mommy and daddy. But I would also say that it is ok for girls to be naked together and its normally cause they both have girly parts. Personally I feel that its ok for girls to be physically intimate more than guys. My girl friends and I use to shower together, but then again thats not something we had to be taught it just came naturally. I think its normal for girls to be a little bisexual, but not guys.

 

[parentastic]

Our daughter is 8, and we havent had that talk yet. I'm not sure how to have it either. I would probably tell her that girls marry boys, and she will marry a boy someday, just like mommy and daddy. But I would also say that it is ok for girls to be naked together and its normally cause they both have girly parts. Personally I feel that its ok for girls to be physically intimate more than guys. My girl friends and I use to shower together, but then again thats not something we had to be taught it just came naturally. I think its normal for girls to be a little bisexual, but not guys.

Lesbians aren't simply taking showers together or being naked together, asiangirlytoes.

They are naturally attracted to other women the same way straight women are naturally attracted to men; and the same for gay men.

Gays and Lesbians also have the right to marry.

 

[alter ego]

Lesbians aren't simply taking showers together or being naked together, asiangirlytoes.

They are naturally attracted to other women the same way straight women are naturally attracted to men; and the same for gay men.

Gays and Lesbians also have the right to marry.

This is correct. I have two mothers, as my mothers are lesbians in a monogamous sexual relationship, which happens to be same sex. But they have sex, like my husband and I have sex, just different anatomy

 

[CuriousGlenda]

I must admit, I have difficulty bringing up subjects like this without it being a question from my son, but I plan to be as neutral with any opinions as possible

 

[parentastic]

I must admit, I have difficulty bringing up subjects like this without it being a question from my son, but I plan to be as neutral with any opinions as possible

I think the real question is not so much how you answer this question to your child, or even how to bring that topic to them in the first place.

I think the real issue is how you display your own attitude toward homosexuality and diversity in your family and in your everyday life, and how it is perceived from your child when he looks at how you act.
It can take many forms.

Do you have lesbian and/or gay friends who visit the family from time to time? Having them around and having children see them, while you act naturally and normally, THAT will have much more power to teach them how normal it is for adult to simply love each other and be together regardless of gender or other artificial considerations.

More generally, how do you react when you walk in the streets and you see two gay/lesbians holding hands? Your reaction, your non verbal, your words, your gestures - all of that will be perceived and analyzed by your children (if they are with you) and it will impact how they perceive homosexuality.

You can bring this topic on purpose in a millions of small ways during all of the child's life. As you see gay and other minorities evolving around your family; as you react to news on the TV next to your child, as you use marginalizing or inclusive vocabulary to describe the world, and so on.
Nearly every possible life situation can be a lesson, WILL BE a lesson, whether you like it or not. All the question is: what values do you want to transmit to your children?

And if they end up being gay or lesbian, which is something you will NEVER be able to prevent if it's part of who they are, will these values help them grow in a loved and healthy way with high self-esteem, or will it cause them to attempt to reject who they are and live in shame, hiding their true self? It's yours to decide.

 

[MomoJA]

My daughter has noticed that some people are what she calls "girl boys" or "boy girls." She obviously doesn't understand what that all entails, but she seems to think it's natural. I don't plan to disabuse her of that, but I don't plan to explain it unless she asks, and even then it will depend on her age in the same way I would avoid explaining in any detail about opposite sex relationships until she is ready to handle details.

I've told her that when she grows up and "gets married" she should only marry her best friend. She says, "I can't marry ****! She's a girl! I can't marry a girl." I'm not going to correct that and confuse her for the sake of political correctness, but I don't agree either. She has picked up that idea somewhere, not from me, and that's fine. As she gets older and can be more philosophical, we'll discuss it when it comes up. I think the key is to discuss it naturally but only when it is appropriate and that differs from child to child and situation to situation. I don't think I'll bring it up any more than I'll bring up heterosexuality. That makes it something unnatural.

I'm guessing that gay parents don't make a point of discussing sexual orientation and romantic relationships with their children any more than I do with mine. They handle it as it arises and according to their children's perceptions, questions, etc.

 

[IADad]

My daughter has noticed that some people are what she calls "girl boys" or "boy girls." She obviously doesn't understand what that all entails, but she seems to think it's natural. I don't plan to disabuse her of that, but I don't plan to explain it unless she asks, and even then it will depend on her age in the same way I would avoid explaining in any detail about opposite sex relationships until she is ready to handle details.

I've told her that when she grows up and "gets married" she should only marry her best friend. She says, "I can't marry ****! She's a girl! I can't marry a girl." I'm not going to correct that and confuse her for the sake of political correctness, but I don't agree either. She has picked up that idea somewhere, not from me, and that's fine. As she gets older and can be more philosophical, we'll discuss it when it comes up. I think the key is to discuss it naturally but only when it is appropriate and that differs from child to child and situation to situation. I don't think I'll bring it up any more than I'll bring up heterosexuality. That makes it something unnatural.

I'm guessing that gay parents don't make a point of discussing sexual orientation and romantic relationships with their children any more than I do with mine. They handle it as it arises and according to their children's perceptions, questions, etc.

I think it's fine to say "okay" when she tells you she can't marry a girl. It's not like you're saying "that's right and don't let anybody tell you different." I think saying "okay" reinforces that she has a right to believe what she believes and that you support her. (I'm not saying you don't, you just didn't say how you respond, so I'm adding how I would.)

and I suppose there are as many gay/lesbian parents as there are straight parents that DO make a point of discussing sexuality and sexual choices, and many for all the wrong reasons. your point is right, it's not just an issue for straight parents talking about homosexuality, it's an issue for all parents, and how do we teach our beliefs. It's a tough thing for a lot of parents to grapple with.

 

[mjgates]

I don't know why it is important to teach our children about homosexuality at all. Sooner or later they will run across homosexual behavior, and if they asked me about it, it would depend on their age on how I would respond. And I'm not sure I would even know how that would be until hearing the specific questions they had, and at what age. My kids are in a Catholic School, so it certainly won't be taught as part of the curriculum. Not sure if public schools are teaching homosexuality. And I don't mean to offend anyone, but I would hope not, at least at younger ages (anything below high school). IMO, desensitizing children to homosexuality at a younger age is not healthy.

 

[mom2many]

I don't know why it is important to teach our children about homosexuality at all. Sooner or later they will run across homosexual behavior, and if they asked me about it, it would depend on their age on how I would respond. And I'm not sure I would even know how that would be until hearing the specific questions they had, and at what age. My kids are in a Catholic School, so it certainly won't be taught as part of the curriculum. Not sure if public schools are teaching homosexuality. And I don't mean to offend anyone, but I would hope not, at least at younger ages (anything below high school). IMO, desensitizing children to homosexuality at a younger age is not healthy.

How is it unhealthy, we teach tolerances and acceptance of a lot of things. That doesn't mean desensitizing, that would be an emotional response to someones suffering/pain. Teaching children that people come in all shapes, sizes, nationalities and sexuality is healthy. Teaching children to torture animals and bully others is unhealthy. There is a difference, a huge difference, between desensitizing and tolerance.

 

[parentastic]

Not sure if public schools are teaching homosexuality.

mjgates, you cannot "teach homosexuality".
You can (and should) teach <I>tolerence and understanding </I>of homosexuality.

I don't know why it is important to teach our children about homosexuality at all.

There are 2 reasons:

1) Because you do not know if you child will turn out to be gay / lesbian when they grow up, so you want them to grow respecting it, and you want them to know that <I>you</I> will respect what they may be,

and

2) To promote equality and tolerence in the world, so they never become bullies for thoses who are a minority.

My kids are in a Catholic School, so it certainly won't be taught as part of the curriculum.

All the more reason to do it yourself, then.

IMO, desensitizing children to homosexuality at a younger age is not healthy.

Would you care to elaborate?

 

[mjgates]

mjgates, you cannot "teach homosexuality".
You can (and should) teach <I>tolerence and understanding </I>of homosexuality.



There are 2 reasons:

1) Because you do not know if you child will turn out to be gay / lesbian when they grow up, so you want them to grow respecting it, and you want them to know that <I>you</I> will respect what they may be,

and

2) To promote equality and tolerence in the world, so they never become bullies for thoses who are a minority.


All the more reason to do it yourself, then.


Would you care to elaborate?

My kids are taught kindness and tolerance as a general principal. I do not feel I need to single out homosexuality. Nor do I feel I need to single out every other group of people or situations they will run into. I have taught them nothing about race. They are both friends of many races, and are innocent to any prejudices. My neighbors kid has a clef pallet and a deformity of her right hand. They have never said anything negative about it. Should I see any sign of intolerance for another individual/group, then we will sit down and discuss. I'm not thinking about whether my child is going to be gay/lesbian when they grow up right now. Again, no offense. I hope not, but if they do, I will accept it. They are my child. Whether I agree with their choices in life or not, I will always stand by them. And no, I don't believe the fact the school is not teaching about it means it's more a reason I should. I was never taught about homosexuality. My parents never were. My friends never were. None of which have bullied or shown any intolerance to minorities.

 

[IADad]

MJ, my kids are at a Catholic school too, and I agree with your philosophy about not drawning attention to any group or set of preferences, but teaching tolerance in general. BUT, I think it's good to have a plan for when they ask. We live in a very liberal community ina state that allows gay marriage. Gay weddings are a budding industry here. So the topic's out there, there will be discussion.

I love that my kids don't have a concept of what a "black" person is, they know people who have brown skin, just like they know people with long blonde hair.

So, having said that at age nine, we've hd discussion about people chosing to live with other people, men with men, women with women, we've stayed about from labeling anyone gay as both we don't want to apply labels and we aren't really talking about sexuality here, we're talking about relationships and living arrangements. Sex is still a foreign concept. Time to have that plan ready......

 

[MomoJA]

I think I understand what mjgates means about not singling out any group. In my opinion, doing so is a form of prejudice. When you single out any one group to teach tolerance about, you are implicitely saying, one, they are weak, inferior, handicapped, or so on, and two, any group you don't single out isn't worth your attention.

Teach tolerance, of course, but do it as the subject comes up. If you don't note that there is anything odd about Johnny having two daddies, chances are junior won't either. If he does make comment, then you redirect depending on his age, maturity, and the situation. I think this is what mjgates means.

I think I also understand what mjgates means about not "teaching homosexuality." I don't think you need to bring up any sexuality to young children. But I don't think this is being done, or I know it is not being done in my child's public school and I would hope it is not being done elsewhere.

I have no problem with there being casual references in children's books to Johnny's two daddies in the same way that there might be casual references to Jill's mom and dad, but I don't think it should be taught explicitely, for the same reasons as above - it doesn't actually teach tolerance except in the traditional sense of the word, not the sense that we mean it when we use it. I also think it just confuses matters for young children.