How to deal with a MIL who just won't quit smoking (at least while visiting)??...

[Mom2all]

Haha!

Thank you for the advice, Im sure my husband will get a kick out of this

I will definitely share with you guys! Hehe

I will be making a phone call to her today after speaking to the pediatrician and see if we can come to an agreement. The pediatrician wants her to smoke outside and stay out there for 15 minutes after each cig, wear a jacket that is ONLY for smoking, wash her hands, brush her teeth/use mouth wash, and keep her hair up and out of the babies face... She also wants us to get air purifiers and use the humidifier wherever the baby is sleeping/spending the most time...

Wish me luck, I suppose? Haha...

I think that this is a fair solution.

 

[VeggieMomma]

Yes, it is pretty much what I was asking for...

My MIL doesn't like this at all and started our conversation off with "well if it's that much of a hassle I'll just send Joey's dad alone!"

Exactly what I figured she say because again, she is more worried about herself than spending time with her granddaughter.

I was like there is no hassle if you either use your e-cig or follow the rules I've been given my the pediatrician. My husband told her that if she doesn't follow the rules, she doesn't get any contact with our daughter and then she is like well Im going to smoke the e-cig for most of the day! I just crave a real cig a couple times a day maybe! LOL...

She is just a pain in the butt... We will see how this actual experience goes over xD

 

[VeggieMomma]

The pediatrician also asked that she shower when coming back from the airport and she does want us to wash whatever clean clothes they bring from NYC because she is an inside smoker and whatnot, which my MIL also agreed to...

Like I said, it should be an interesting experience, haha!

 

[akmom]

I haven't read the entire thread, but I'm going to disagree with the general consensus and say you're NOT being unreasonable, VeggieMomma.

Yes, the mother-in-law has a right to smoke. But she also needs to accept that this choice is both harmful and stinky. Not everyone wants to deal with the health problems OR stinkiness that comes with it, and they shouldn't have to. Being stuck in a building with second-hand smoke is pretty awful, but so is getting a whiff of it on your porch, or having the stale smell of it on clothes reeking in your home. I used to live in an apartment complex with a smoker. Indoor smoking wasn't allowed, so she would stand by the entry way and smoke. It ALWAYS stunk there. No one could enjoy the balcony because she chain-smoked under it. There was also a no-smoking rule in classrooms, so when I was in college, students would chain-smoke before class and then come inside reeking of it. I hated it when one of those reekers came in late and chose a spot by me. The smell of tobacco smoke on clothes is strong and foul. Some people are more disgusted by it than others (just like some are more disgusted by body odors than others). But in your own home, you can be as picky as you want, because it's YOURS. You don't have to cite studies to justify your preference for not smelling tobacco stink.

I say you are perfectly within your rights to say no smoking in your home, no smoking on your property (porch, driveway, yard), and no wearing clothes that smell like smoke. If it were me, I wouldn't even want the e-cig; they can wear the patch or chew the gum, or they can stay home with their stinky addictions. If she can't deal with that for a few days in order to visit a grandbaby, then her priorities are pretty stinky too! I grew up with chainsmokers, and though I can't be certain of the link, I suspect it played a role in years of painful ear aches. And more than a few classmates made sure to tell me they smelled it on my clothes when I was a kid.

 

[VeggieMomma]

Thank you for understanding where I am coming from. I really do appreciate you sharing your opinion with me. We have dealt with it in the best possible way that we can... She is a very stubborn woman and seems to care more about her addiction than her granddaughter but at least she has agreed to follow the rules that the pediatrician and my husband have set in place.

Smoking is a gross habit and it's bad for everyone around them, like you said; she just doesn't see it that way and is really in denial about the whole thing. She claims that cigarette's don't harm anyone even though her own husband had to stop smoking after 25 years because he was dying. He had Aortic dissection and they gave him 6 months to live unless he stopped smoking and gave up caffeine... He did and it's been two years now that he has been okay. She had proof that smoking was harming people around her and still she doesn't care. She still smokes IN THEIR HOME around him and in his face...

It's just one of those thing... Hopefully our experience with her staying here goes okay and she just abides by the rules

 

[bssage]

I haven't read the entire thread, But in your own home, you can be as picky as you want, because it's YOURS.

Yes your absolutely right. She could tell everyone they have to wear pink bunny costumes. Like you said its her house. I think everyone agrees on this point. Most posters were expressing opinions. And pointing out area's of potential compromise. And (I know I'm not speaking for everyone) I see the actual issue is completely breaking the already stressed family dynamic. And I view this as a larger possibly more destructive issue than the smoking.

I say you are perfectly within your rights to say no smoking in your home, no smoking on your property (porch, driveway, yard), and

Again I think most if not everyone agree's.

no wearing clothes that smell like smoke.

Maybe some compomise is what has been suggested here.

If it were me, I wouldn't even want the e-cig;

Why? "pink bunny suit"

they can wear the patch or chew the gum,

Do a little research. Statistically these are better at separating you from you money than your craving for cigarettes.

 

[bssage]

She is a very stubborn woman and seems to care more about her addiction than her granddaughter

I am not sure you understand addiction. She cares more about this habit: than her own life: because she is addicted. Has nothing to do with being selfish or anything else. While she may very well be selfish. That is separate and apart from being addicted. Two very separate animals.

That said you know the players and as has been mentioned its your house. Nobody is arguing that. We are just making suggestions.

 

[VeggieMomma]

Im sorry, I do understand the addiction. That came out a little wrong, I think. What I meant is she doesn't care to seek out help to get rid of the problem and therefore likes to be stubborn when it comes to rules that affect her addiction and her habit. (if that makes sense?) She is selfish, but I do understand that it is a separate thing from her addiction.

 

[bssage]

Not a single e-cig on the market contains merely water vapour, they all contain nicotine, that is how they work. The 'smoke' is made of water vapour but it also contains nicotine and some carcinogens.

Your going to have to back this up. I know for a fact and will supply you plenty of links most juice suppliers also make 0%mg nic versions. And nic itself aside from being addicting is not a carcinogen. The flavorings used to make the different varieties are all approved food grade flavorings (If the juice is a US supplier). Nicotine actually has some properties that have made it an option for common medications. The reason (as far as I know) it was not approved was the stigma associated with cigs. I believe at one point it was recommended as an medication for asthma bronchitis. Its been a while since I was looking at that so I may be a little off on what it was to be used for. All Ecig (vapor is the preffered word) is PG or VG "food grade" based.

 

[akmom]

I appreciate your point-by-point refutations, bssage. I hope I don't come across as combative when I attempt to rebut them, because I really do see your logic. Obviously I have a chip on my shoulder about smoking. I lived with smokers for a long time and I don't have much patience for it any more. For me, it just isn't something that deserves a compromise. But if we were talking about something comparable, I suspect I'd be on the same page as you. I don't think pink bunny suits are comparable, but I don't know what is. It's fundamentally different than even other addictions.

If it were me, I wouldn't even want the e-cig;
Why? "pink bunny suit"

Because I assume it stinks like a cigarette, but I haven't actually smelled one in action.

I am not sure you understand addiction. She cares more about this habit: than her own life: because she is addicted. Has nothing to do with being selfish or anything else.

I disagree. I understand that breaking an addiction is difficult and painful. But so is living with second-hand smoke. My mom smoked when we were young, and we had recurrent ear infections that at least one doctor told her, in no uncertain terms, was probably related to smoke exposure. But did she quit? No, apparently it's easier to watch kids be in pain than to be in (withdrawal) pain yourself. That sounds pretty selfish to me. And in the case of VeggieMomma's mother-in-law, it isn't even a matter of quitting the addiction. It's about enjoying the addiction on her own terms. Is it that big a deal to get your nicotine another way? No one will object to a nicotine patch or gum. With an e-cig, you're even getting the hand-to-mouth action. Seems like showering and laundering your clothes is just the decent thing to do if you break down and have a real cigarette after all. Why should any one else have to smell it?

You know what the whole thing reminds me of? A baby with a pacifier. The e-cig is the pacifier, to ameliorate the infantile need to stick stuff in the mouth. But like a baby, she's eventually gonna want the bottle (cigarettes), and apparently make a big fuss if she doesn't get it when she wants it. Maybe she should just grow up and suck it up. Or does addiction earn you a free pass from the expectations of adulthood?

 

[bssage]

Because I assume it stinks like a cigarette, but I haven't actually smelled one in action.

And that assumption is completely incorrect.

I understand that breaking an addiction is difficult and painful. apparently it's easier to watch kids be in pain than to be in (withdrawal) pain yourself. That sounds pretty selfish to me.

This comment (Yeah I modified it a little) tells me that your really dont understand addiction.

It's about enjoying the addiction on her own terms.

Which part of the addiction is the part you believe she enjoys?

Standing outside in the cold:

Spending 5 bucks for a pack 60 bucks a carton (mostly sin tax, which is for another thread):

Stinking like an ashtray:

Waking up coughing:

Waking up to be a slave to the addiction:

Ruining your clothes with burn holes:

Going through withdrall's several times a day when she is in places that smoking is not allowed:

Planning her day around her smoking:

being excluded from granddaughter visits:

or killing herself?

Could Is it that big a deal to get your nicotine another way?

Yes. Big differences between how your body processes the different delivery methodes

No one will object to a nicotine patch or gum.

Especially not the people selling these extremely ineffective methodes.

With an e-cig, you're even getting the hand-to-mouth action.

Yes you are correct. And it is amazing how mentally addicted we get to that oral fixation.

Seems like showering and laundering your clothes is just the decent thing to do if you break down and have a real cigarette after all.

Agreed: I don't see why taking half a dozen showers in an afternoon or changing clothes as many times would be an issue for anyone. That's just selfish.

Why should any one else have to smell it?

Why should we have to smell anything we find offensive? My grandmother in law smells like mothballs (no pun intended) I cant stand that. My grandfather before he died smelled of hospital and a stale kind of BO. I should have excluded them from family events.

You know what the whole thing reminds me of? A baby with a pacifier. The e-cig is the pacifier, to ameliorate the infantile need to stick stuff in the mouth. But like a baby, she's eventually gonna want the bottle (cigarettes), and apparently make a big fuss if she doesn't get it when she wants it. Maybe she should just grow up and suck it up. Or does addiction earn you a free pass from the expectations of adulthood?

I think this kinda sums up your attitude if I understand correctly. I dont think insulting people. Accusing them of being babies. Is an extremely adult and effective strategy. And I am struggling to figure out who exactly is making "a big fuss" Some other traits of adult hood. Empathy, Understanding, Compromise, forgiveness. Just to name a few.

Vegiemom I am sorry about derailing your thread. That was never my intent. This is just "yanking my chain" for some reason.

 

[VeggieMomma]

It's alright. I understand the need to be heard

 

[Xero]

I mostly agree with everything bssage has said. I understand your concerns, but at the same time you don't know what it's like to be addicted to cigarettes (no I am not a smoker). People want to quit, and they try, but some people just can't or they fail again and again. It's hard because not only are you used to the feeling and the habit, but it becomes a part of who you are. Certain parts of a smoker's life are just not complete without a cigarette. It is the way they comfort themselves, and a huge part of the way they live their lives day to day. Doesn't make it ever okay to do it around kids, and I agree it would be reasonable to ask her to wear a jacket outside to smoke and then wash her hands good when she comes in. Anything beyond that seems excessive and mean to me, though. Perhaps that's because I am literally surrounded by smokers in my entire family, so if I put out those kind of ridiculously hard to comply with rules (showering, brushing teeth, changing clothes, every time, quitting for weeks etc) then I would pretty much drive away a lot of people I care about haha. Try to be compassionate. Just because something is stupid to you, doesn't mean it isn't extremely important to somebody else.

I doubt that the lingering smoke smell is good for babies, I get that. I don't think there's any proof anywhere of any actual harmful affects caused by it, but I wont sit here and say that it's better than clean clothes and hands, obviously that is best. This is coming from a girl who has severe allergies and asthma thanks to a smoking mom, so I know where you are coming from. However, I didn't turn out this way because my mom went outside for every cigarette and then forgot to wash her hands or change her clothes or brush her teeth before holding me again. I turned out this way because she sat next to me all day long chain smoking in my face without a second thought, including in the car with the windows up pretty regularly. Like my whole life. lol So there is a difference.

And not to get all "crazy pro breast feeding mom" on you or anything lol. But as far as germs, illnesses, and any other yucky thing out there in the world goes, the best and most amazing protection you can give your child is to breastfeed him/her for as long as possible. It combats everything. That will count 1 million times more for your baby's health than whether or not anyone washes their hands before they touch him/her. If you have done any research on how to keep your baby healthy, please do as much research as you possibly can on breastfeeding. Not enough people do, and if you haven't already, you will be glad you did. Just to put it in perspective, my formula fed (after the first 2 months that he was breast fed) 5 year old has been sick so many times I couldn't count, even in the hospital a couple times. Colds, flus, stomatitis, RSV, stomach flu, lots of stuff, tons of which happened during his first year. My 18 month old has had one cold. One. Nothing else, ever. lol Everyone else in my house can be sick and it always passes right over him. Not saying it works like this all the time, and also not saying that babies who are not breast fed are not healthy haha, but statistics are in the favor of the breast fed babies. Just figured I would throw that out there since you seem very dedicated to having a healthy baby.

In fact, it's funny, combining the two subjects, it is actually still considered better for your baby to continue to breast feed even if you are a smoker (the nicotine and whatnot can get into breast milk), than to switch to formula. Because it is that awesome. I kid you not.

Okay enough of that. Good luck with your MIL. Try to keep the peace. It's not worth all the stress you're putting yourself through! Personally I think 2 weeks after having the baby is too soon to put up anybody for two weeks, much less someone you don't get along with well. I would wait longer.

 

[VeggieMomma]

I mostly agree with everything bssage has said. I understand your concerns, but at the same time you don't know what it's like to be addicted to cigarettes (no I am not a smoker). People want to quit, and they try, but some people just can't or they fail again and again. It's hard because not only are you used to the feeling and the habit, but it becomes a part of who you are. Certain parts of a smoker's life are just not complete without a cigarette. It is the way they comfort themselves, and a huge part of the way they live their lives day to day. Doesn't make it ever okay to do it around kids, and I agree it would be reasonable to ask her to wear a jacket outside to smoke and then wash her hands good when she comes in. Anything beyond that seems excessive and mean to me, though. Perhaps that's because I am literally surrounded by smokers in my entire family, so if I put out those kind of ridiculously hard to comply with rules (showering, brushing teeth, changing clothes, every time, quitting for weeks etc) then I would pretty much drive away a lot of people I care about haha. Try to be compassionate. Just because something is stupid to you, doesn't mean it isn't extremely important to somebody else.

I understand what you're saying. She doesn't try to quit though and it's really not about just the smoking. Im not sure if you have read the whole thread but it comes down to her breaking my rules on a regular basis because she finds me to be a "snob" or a "bitch," etc. I do not think it's stupid and I could be compassionate if she was actually TRYING to better herself and her situation but she isn't. She claims that smoking doesn't do anything to anyone and we all over exaggerate, lol.

I doubt that the lingering smoke smell is good for babies, I get that. I don't think there's any proof anywhere of any actual harmful affects caused by it, but I wont sit here and say that it's better than clean clothes and hands, obviously that is best. This is coming from a girl who has severe allergies and asthma thanks to a smoking mom, so I know where you are coming from. However, I didn't turn out this way because my mom went outside for every cigarette and then forgot to wash her hands or change her clothes or brush her teeth before holding me again. I turned out this way because she sat next to me all day long chain smoking in my face without a second thought, including in the car with the windows up pretty regularly. Like my whole life. lol So there is a difference.

I do understand what you are saying here as well. Again, it is not just about the smoke though. It is about her not respecting my wishes. She is fighting us every step of the way when it comes to what we want. My husband who grew up around the smoke, like you have, hates it and doesn't want it around. He has explained it to her kindly and given her rules which she has promised to follow now (even though they make her angry.) We both want to do what is best for our daughter and I don't think her wearing a jacket, washing her hands, brushing her teeth, etc, are bad things to ask for... Especially when the pediatrician recommended these things; I didn't pull them out of my ass.

And not to get all "crazy pro breast feeding mom" on you or anything lol. But as far as germs, illnesses, and any other yucky thing out there in the world goes, the best and most amazing protection you can give your child is to breastfeed him/her for as long as possible. It combats everything. That will count 1 million times more for your baby's health than whether or not anyone washes their hands before they touch him/her. If you have done any research on how to keep your baby healthy, please do as much research as you possibly can on breastfeeding. Not enough people do, and if you haven't already, you will be glad you did. Just to put it in perspective, my formula fed (after the first 2 months that he was breast fed) 5 year old has been sick so many times I couldn't count, even in the hospital a couple times. Colds, flus, stomatitis, RSV, stomach flu, lots of stuff, tons of which happened during his first year. My 18 month old has had one cold. One. Nothing else, ever. lol Everyone else in my house can be sick and it always passes right over him. Not saying it works like this all the time, and also not saying that babies who are not breast fed are not healthy haha, but statistics are in the favor of the breast fed babies. Just figured I would throw that out there since you seem very dedicated to having a healthy baby.

I do plan on breast feeding

In fact, it's funny, combining the two subjects, it is actually still considered better for your baby to continue to breast feed even if you are a smoker (the nicotine and whatnot can get into breast milk), than to switch to formula. Because it is that awesome. I kid you not.

I have read this... My MIL smoked throughout her entire pregnancy with my husband but did not breast feed because it was "beneath her." >_> She thinks it is ridiculous that I am going to breast feed... Though she thinks that about most of our parenting choices so far (and I haven't even had her yet!)

Okay enough of that. Good luck with your MIL. Try to keep the peace. It's not worth all the stress you're putting yourself through! Personally I think 2 weeks after having the baby is too soon to put up anybody for two weeks, much less someone you don't get along with well. I would wait longer.

Thank you. I am trying very hard to keep the peace, like I said, my husband and the pediatrician set rules and my husband has told her if she breaks them she will be asked to leave. As far as them coming and the timing, there is nothing I can do. They didn't give me an option and already bought plane tickets for January 5th :-/. I just hope that it won't be too awful...

 

[Testing]

You are being silly now. I am preventing something that I can prevent... Obviously in life she will be exposed to things but not as a 2 week old and not because I couldn't keep it from happening. Her e-cig does not contain anything but water vapors (I bought it so I know, again, I did my research.)

My main point about the MRSA thing was that planes carry a lot of germs and all I want is for them to wash up and change before holding my daughter.. Why is that unacceptable? They are staying in my home and spending time with my daughter? She is a NEWBORN. I want to make sure she doesn't get sick...

I think there are many other sources out there but I chose ones that I found quickly. I have other studies saved on my computer and even research from my pediatrician that I could have shared if I had felt the need to. My point is that it is dangerous and it has been proven to be dangerous.

You didn't tell me what the chemical was so how can I tell you if it is banned or not?

We use organic cleaning products in our home and will continue to do so.

Again, I don't understand how I am wrong for asking my MIL to not smoke near my child or bring it into my home and wash up when she arrives after flying on a plane with 100 other people who are carrying germs...?

First baby, right? You are way more worried than you need to be.

That said, I can't tolerate smoke, so in MY house, there would be no smoking. If they cannot abide by this request, they can stay at a hotel.

 

[VeggieMomma]

First baby, right? You are way more worried than you need to be.

Yes, it is my first baby but I don't think Im more worried than I need to be. I think smoking around anyone is dangerous especially my new born baby... If I can't breathe near her, Im sure my baby is feeling the same.

That said, I can't tolerate smoke, so in MY house, there would be no smoking. If they cannot abide by this request, they can stay at a hotel.

That is exactly how I feel. Thankfully, she has now decided to follow the rules. I just hope that she means it otherwise, my husband will be sending her off to a hotel... Lol.

 

[Mom2all]

I came back to share.. although I still think its fair to ask her to wear a jacket while smoking outside and to wash up her hands and mouth afterward, I want to share with you a few things.
First.. I know you say its about your rules and her unwillingness to listen to them. However... you may need to recognize that by compromising.. its easier to follow rules. No one person should be able to dictate totally to control another person and take away all their rights... even with good reasons. Its not enough to say its to protect your baby from carcinogens. Sometimes we get so focused on one thing, (in this case her smoking) that we ignore the rest. I would have been more angry over her inviting herself without asking ahead of time than her smoking in the back yard.

Little info to consider. Carcinogens are not just found in smoking.. they are all around you. So yes.. her clothes may have a little of them clinging.. however.. by showering.. shampoo has them (Selenium Sulfide) .. so carcinogens would still be there.
Diaminoanisole Sulfate is in Fur, acrylic fiber, polyester, wool , cotton and even in hair dye. Believe it or not.. there are too many to mention in the dyes they use to make the pretty colors. Plastic has its own list of carcinogens. Bottles.. nipples.. toys.. oh and.. Propane Sultone is the lathering agent in detergents. The list goes on and on.

Literally.. they are all around you.. every where. If you use furniture polish.. you've exposed yourself. Dyed your hair.. sanded a peice of wood..
Really and truly.. its scary what we expose ourself to everyday without knowing its poison.

I didn't tell you that to make you scared of the plastic hair brush your use, (although it most likely has them in it) or to tell you not to use that pacifier.. cause life goes on and it would be almost impossible to eliminate them. I'm just pointing out that taking a stand on smoking due to the limited exposure from a outside smokers clothing doesn't make sense to me unless your taking a stand on all limited exposure to carcinogens. And if you showered and got dressed today.. you've been exposed to many of them.

 

[VeggieMomma]

First.. I know you say its about your rules and her unwillingness to listen to them. However... you may need to recognize that by compromising.. its easier to follow rules. No one person should be able to dictate totally to control another person and take away all their rights... even with good reasons. Its not enough to say its to protect your baby from carcinogens. Sometimes we get so focused on one thing, (in this case her smoking) that we ignore the rest. I would have been more angry over her inviting herself without asking ahead of time than her smoking in the back yard. [/QUOTE]

Im not totally dictating. She had two options and the one of those options SHE brought up. She told me... That she was going to stop smoking two weeks before and not smoke the WHOLE week she was here. She also said she would do this is we promised to stay with them in April when we visit NYC. OBVIOUSLY, that was a lie because when I asked her about it she told me yeah, that's what she was doing and then told my husband something else. My husband wasn't pleased with this and so he gave her the rules that she now currently has if she is choosing to smoke. That is fair. My husband HATES smoke. He is a grown man and he feels that he doesn't have to deal with it anymore after years of it being in his face, making him sick, and generally driving him nuts. I don't feel that he needs to compromise and I won't tell him he should. She has to follow the rules he has placed for his (our) home. I was angry about them not giving us really any time, but honestly, I look at it more that I will probably be locked away in our bedroom with Aubrey, feeding her and putting her to sleep rather than out there having to play games with her... In which case, it might save me quite a bit of stress. She really doesn't like me and she never has sooooo yeah...

Little info to consider. Carcinogens are not just found in smoking.. they are all around you. So yes.. her clothes may have a little of them clinging.. however.. by showering.. shampoo has them (Selenium Sulfide) .. so carcinogens would still be there.
Diaminoanisole Sulfate is in Fur, acrylic fiber, polyester, wool , cotton and even in hair dye. Believe it or not.. there are too many to mention in the dyes they use to make the pretty colors. Plastic has its own list of carcinogens. Bottles.. nipples.. toys.. oh and.. Propane Sultone is the lathering agent in detergents. The list goes on and on.

Literally.. they are all around you.. every where. If you use furniture polish.. you've exposed yourself. Dyed your hair.. sanded a peice of wood..
Really and truly.. its scary what we expose ourself to everyday without knowing its poison.
[/QUOTE]

I understand what you're saying but we actually don't use a lot of chemicals in our home. I make my own shampoo and conditions, we use natural things to clean our home, I don't dye my hair (at least not since I was a teenager), etc. We will be EBF and we have even decided to stay away from most plastic toys. It is scary that we expose ourselves to so many poisonous things but in our home we are working to keep things like that out. Going green and whatnot have helped us do this .

I didn't tell you that to make you scared of the plastic hair brush your use, (although it most likely has them in it) or to tell you not to use that pacifier.. cause life goes on and it would be almost impossible to eliminate them. I'm just pointing out that taking a stand on smoking due to the limited exposure from a outside smokers clothing doesn't make sense to me unless your taking a stand on all limited exposure to carcinogens. And if you showered and got dressed today.. you've been exposed to many of them.
[/QUOTE]

Again, I understand what you are saying. We are taking a stand again carcinogens though. We are taking steps to make sure that chemicals and harmful things stay out of our home and the smoke is a harmful thing. It is not only my feelings towards the smoke that are keeping the rules in place but my husband's VERY STRONG feelings against his mother's bad habit and her lack of caring that it bothers him and that he doesn't want it around our daughter like it was around him. When he visited her alone this year (since the midwife didn't want me flying after September..) He had let her know that the smoke was making him sick (she was smoking in the house, of course...) He had vomiting, a sore throat, etc, and she blamed all of this on a candle... She doesn't feel bad or care when her habit is hurting others and my husband won't have it in our home...

 

[NancyM]

And that assumption is completely incorrect.



This comment (Yeah I modified it a little) tells me that your really dont understand addiction.

Which part of the addiction is the part you believe she enjoys?

Standing outside in the cold:

Spending 5 bucks for a pack 60 bucks a carton (mostly sin tax, which is for another thread):

Stinking like an ashtray:

Waking up coughing:

Waking up to be a slave to the addiction:

Ruining your clothes with burn holes:

Going through withdrall's several times a day when she is in places that smoking is not allowed:

Planning her day around her smoking:

being excluded from granddaughter visits:

or killing herself?

Yes. Big differences between how your body processes the different delivery methodes

Especially not the people selling these extremely ineffective methodes.

Yes you are correct. And it is amazing how mentally addicted we get to that oral fixation.

Agreed: I don't see why taking half a dozen showers in an afternoon or changing clothes as many times would be an issue for anyone. That's just selfish.

Why should we have to smell anything we find offensive? My grandmother in law smells like mothballs (no pun intended) I cant stand that. My grandfather before he died smelled of hospital and a stale kind of BO. I should have excluded them from family events.

I think this kinda sums up your attitude if I understand correctly. I dont think insulting people. Accusing them of being babies. Is an extremely adult and effective strategy. And I am struggling to figure out who exactly is making "a big fuss" Some other traits of adult hood. Empathy, Understanding, Compromise, forgiveness. Just to name a few.

Vegiemom I am sorry about derailing your thread. That was never my intent. This is just "yanking my chain" for some reason.

Very well said Bssage about addictions and being a former smoker myself (quite for 9 yrs now) I understand completely about it, my husband still smokes and has been trying to quit for many years now.

An addiction is an addiction, (something we have to have/or do) It works the same way in the brain. I also find that many people who don't understand cigarette smokers, usually have a hidden addiction of their own that they don't acknowledge as an addiction.

Drinking,(even a glass of wine every day,may start off as a habit, can easily turn into an addiction) controlling others, over eating, drug abuse,(including pot same thing habit/addiction), even addictions to sex..there are <I>many types</I> of addictions, or something each of us <I>over do</I> to helps cope with stress, self esteem, abusive people in our lives, or just anything that is difficult for us to deal with. Many people have one or two little things we depend on to get us through the day.

Just my opinion on addictions.

 

[akmom]

And I am struggling to figure out who exactly is making "a big fuss" Some other traits of adult hood. Empathy, Understanding, Compromise, forgiveness. Just to name a few.

Would we be having this conversation if her addiction was heroin? Alcoholism? Methinks smokers get more of a break than other addicts because their addiction happens to be legal and doesn't impair their short-term abilities (such as fitness to parent, drive, operate machinery). A drug addict would absolutely be denied the opportunity to visit the baby. There is a history of alcoholism in my extended family, and there are certain members hell-bent on getting those people into treatment, and others who are so squeamish about offending them that they function as enablers. But none of them has ever gone into treatment because of patient and gentle encouragement; it has always been prompted by a DUI or getting kicked out of the house. And the longer an addiction goes on, the worse it gets. That has been my life experience with addicts. And I have to be a little suspicious when hearing it from the point of view of an addict or ex-addict, because of course they want to credit their recovery (or potential recovery) to methods that are less harsh.

My own mother quit after an explosive argument when I was a teen. She finally had enough of my insensitivity, she says, and secretly quit. She did not even tell me until over a week after her last cigarette. She still accuses me of having been "too mean" about her smoking (I was 13). She never reflects on how hard it was for us to grow up in a smoky house, with ear infections and smelly clothes at school, and being expected to keep her habit a secret from others. She smoked indoors always, for fear of the neighbors finding out, because she was embarrassed about it. She pretty much shares your opinion, bssage. But all the kindness and gentle requests for her not to smoke, or to smoke outside, resulted in nothing. And I was just so glad it was over, no matter what it took. Good riddance! I think people who sympathize with addiction just don't know what it's like to be trapped in ANOTHER person's addiction. It's many of the same consequences, but without the compulsion or choice factor that the actual addict has.