I don't like my oldest son...

[NancyM]

Quote by Greyarea33 " half expected this kind of thing. Let me just clarify my original post here. I would never DREAM of communicating to my son that I don't like him! (Verbally or otherwise)"Unquote

You half expected what? that people might disagree with you? Well what else could happen? Your asking for advise in open forum with many members who have many different opinions. We're not experts by the way.

Obviously , You don't tell him you don't like him but sometimes what we DON'T say is worse than what we do say. I think he's smart enough to read between the lines I'm sure he has some idea that you don't approve of just about everything he says and does, that might give a kid an idea that you don't like him!

It appears to me that your son loves his mother, and most likely misses her, even if she is dysfunctional and irresponsible, he has a right to love her, I noticed in your post that you didn't mention how he feels about his mom, you only mention how YOU feel about her.

How does your son act when he's with her, does he laugh, is he argumentative with her like he is with you, is he genuinely happy? Is it possible that maybe you resent that just a little,(I'm not saying I wouldn't) but maybe your son picks up on your disparagement of him, and is hurt.

Again, I still feel a bit sorry for him,he's 14 ,going through puberty and thinks the whole world hates him, it can't be easy for him to feel that his father against him too. I don't know what the answer is but I'm reading a bunch of "I's" and Me's in your post which sounds like you feel you suffer more than he does. He has a lot less control over the situation, I just think that he suffers as much as you but in a different way.

Quote by Greyarea 33 "I was posting some very adult feelings on a forum with other adults who I was hoping I might be able to relate to. Just because I don't approve of the way he conducts himself, that doesn't mean that I don't love him. " Unquote

I never said that you didn't love your son, which by the way, if I thought you didn't love him I would certainly tell you so straight forwardly.

Quote by Greyarea33" I don't do drugs. I don't socialize or become romantically involved with criminals. I give my son rules and structure and I care about his education. I give him consequences for bad behavior. All of these things make me the enemy. His conduct is what I don't like. The way he treats other people is what I don't like. Please don't make such huge assumptions about a situation that you clearly don't understand." Unquote

Again a lot of I's and Me's here.

Everyone on a message board can only make assumptions since we only get one side of a story, So please do not dictate to me how I may respond or react to a post. I'm not your son.

 

[teenage_parent]

@greyarea33 i am sorry that you are offended but i am not sorry for trying to help you.

I did not mean to attack nor judge you as a parent. i never said in my response you are a bad parent. i never said you never tried. i certainly didn't make any assumptions. I looked at it from the point of view your son and asked questions.

the mere fact that you are posting here means you are trying. you are going to the extent of opening yourself up to other people and i know how hard that is especially when it comes to your children. i know how protective we, parents, are of their children and of ourselves too when it comes to parenting.

it is evident you were upset with what i've said. i tried to look at it from the point of view of your son. when you posted, you opened yourself for opinions. we are all "strangers" here and getting a response that you like is a risk you will have to take and i have read a lot of responses to many posts that i am sure did not agree with some people. but people have always took it nicely.

you gave your side of the story and it seems it's only a portion of your side. those are all i had to work on.

i hope you work it out with your son. the mere fact he loves his mother with that much passion means he is someone capable of that kind of love. anyone who can love someone that way, anyone who has that much angst, anyone who has that much energy to feel something is someone who has the potential to affect the world with the same passion and energy. i am sure you know that too.

so i really hope it all works out.

 

[mrsims31]

greyarea33? Please don't tell me you left. You have a rough situation and a community here that is very willing to talk to you about it in hopes that it can be sorted out for the best. Don't give up!

Regardless of whether or not you post again, I hope that you find a solution that can bring peace between you and your son. Stick to your guns, but also try to enjoy some time with him. Is there anything at all that the two of you could do together, where you could maybe put away the bad history for a day? A sporting event? Fishing? Hell, you said he has a 360 in his room... maybe you could play some videogames with him?

As much as I hope you have a breakthrough with him, your son is getting older and will ultimately make his own decisions on how he wants to live and treat other people. Obviously his mother is having a negative affect on him, but keep at it. Sometimes there is nothing you can do, but don't doubt for a second the possibility that deep down inside your son is hearing you on some level. Change is always possible, no matter how far gone you may think he is. Do your best... in the end that's all you can do. But for your child's sake, don't ever give up on him. (I'm concerned for your other children as well... if your oldest starts to have a heavy negative effect on them, you might need to consider giving in to his desires to stay at his mom's... but that's the only situation I can think of that your hand might be forced. After all, you need to protect and take care of all your children's needs and well-being.)

I would suggest counseling for yourself. In a situation like this you need an outlet and someone that can help you approach this from the right angles. (Do you wear your anger/frustration on your sleeve? That will only encourage his rebellion.)

 

[Wilburn]

You are older and wise too.This is a neutral phenomenon that in teen age and in the beginning of college the teen becomes obstinate.With the passage of time again there is a change come in life which makes a teen or boy rational and mature.So just be patient and give him advises rater than to be angry on her.

Baltimore Fitness

 

[RegalSin]

first things first. Write down what you want from your son.
Then write down what you want you don't want from him.

I think his mom is sneaking him chewing tobacco

she constantly bad mouths me to he and his brother, etc

Keep a hidden tape recorder in your inside pockets. Like something small, in your pocket. No buttons. Even try to install wire under your skin.

He is lazy, rude, a liar, a sneak, doesn't try in school, ungrateful, uncaring, has no regret or remorse when he is caught doing something wrong, abusive to his little brother, abusive to our dog, has seemingly no conscience whatsoever, no value on intelligence or morality, cocky, and repeatedly indicates that he wants to be with his mom over me

Send him to military school. Just drive him to the place and leave him their. Maybe the courts can make it law.

If he is abusive then confront him, and make sure he is not abusive towards his brother. Call the cops on him, if he is being abusive towards his brother.

The dog is another issue. I would raise hell if anybody abused my pets.
I would throw people across the room for hurting my animals. I don't want to go into anything insane, but that is sick. Even picking on siblings is normal, but he should be helping them.

and the fact that she would let him drop school just as soon as it was legally ok for him to do so.

News flash, he could drop school anytime he wants to. Nobody can stop him.

I feel like the boy needs a good trip to wood shed to be honest, but of cousre God-forbid I lay one finger on him or it would be DSS city.

Military school, military school, military school. You can kick his arse for all you care. As long as you don't break him in half, or leave bruises on him. Then agian he might try to kill you.

(Which is repeatedly used as a threat because I'm soooo abusive taking away video games and computer/phone priviledges.)

Videogames, phone, and computers are toys for teens. He needs to be able to get into something and stick to that.

Take away priviledges

I've tried to talk to him until I'm blue in the face about being a good person and making the right decision, I've tried to show love even when he expresses that he doesn't like me and that he wants to be with his mom.

Have you tried keeping him on 24/7 watch?

Our personalities are soooooo different too which makes it even harder. He is one of those jocks that terrorized kids like me in high school.

How did you and the mother felt. Jocks are sappose to be good guys. You make it sound like your son is a criminal cry baby who wants to make special freinds with the "Booty Hunter".

Its my job to love him and I always will, but I don't like this person who lives in my house and eats my food and treats everyone like crap most of the time, and has not even a slight shred of gratitude for the sacrifices I've made my whole life for him.

That is because he is young, and feels he is better off with his mom. My uncle had a real problem son. He would go out with his freinds, cut school, and smoke drugs, even abused the mom. He came by one day by surprised, and the guy was shocked. My uncle took him home and beat him like no tommorow. This is around 2005, I think.

Their is all kinds of parental loves. You need to decide how to get him into shape and make him love you without hate in his heart. One day he might realize you were a good thing, but maybe he misses his mom.

He has a friggin' xbox 360 in his room! He has nice clothes. He has a home where people tell him they love him every day.

Take it away, Take it away, Take it away, Take it away. The more he has the more he does not care. He just wants his mama.

I feel like I'm just consigning him to a life of drugs, dead end jobs, poverty, jail, or god knows what

So far you sound like your doing a great job. Let him run to mommy and see how life is their. So when he becomes whatever he becomes, he will break down into your arms begging for guidance.

That is what you want right? For him to come to for answers, and to give him a good path in life.

..............................................

I am assuming the mother is getting her drugs from her boyfreinds. Joxs are not badguys, at least not the ones I grewed up with. Yuppie arseholes are bad guys. So far your son, sounds like one.

"Daddy I wanna live with mama in her trailer car, and sleep in my bunk bed under mommy. I don't need a house with a built in swimming pool, and my own Harem"

The easiet thing to do is let him go, and let him fail, and see what happens next. Having more kids or getting remarried is just asking for trouble as well.

 

[BU Project]

Everyone goes through their rough patches and everyone is uniquely different. I hope things go well.

 

[mccubbin]

i can relate to what you are saying, when he matures, he will see his wrong doings, when that time comes, no one knows.

 

[guy7878]

i suggest that you should really start talking to him and share your feelings