I feel terrible, but.....

[Cthru]

There is a 'developmentally disabled' boy on our block. I've never seen him around until just this spring. He's not 100% but it's pretty obvious.
Just over the long weekend he's taken to Michael. This is an 11yr old boy who has decided he wants to buddy up with my 3yr old son. He comes to the door.. asks where 'the little guy' is and if he can come out and ride bikes. I let it go the first day or so but it's just not right.. not to mention this boy does not have any supervision and is a bad example (caught this boy riding his bike in the street saying 'hit me please!!' trying to be funny.. but no).
Anyway..I've been coming up with reasons.. we're going to the store.. we're going to the park.. it's dinner time.. etc.. this kid is now somewhat stalking my lil guy wanting to play cops with him. I don't know where he lives. My husband thinks he knows and if he's right it would be from a house where 3 older guys live (maybe he is a son of a divorcee?).

I don't know how to nip this in the bud and be 'politically correct' about it.
I don't want (and at this point won't let) my 3 yr old around him and he's really pushing himself on us

What would you do?

Do I really need to just be totally blunt? I'd feel so bad.

 

[dazed80]

I would be very direct with the 11-year-old that your child is not allowed to play with him. Developmentally challenged or not, an 11-year-old should not be best friends with a 3-year-old. If you were able to determine where he lives, then go and talk to the parents or guardians. Otherwise, you should be direct with the one causing the issues.

 

[Pouncy]

It's a difficult situation, but one that does need addressing.
I would be very up front with the 11 year old and tell him that a 3 year old is not a good playmate for him and that he needs to find friends his own age.
Then, as uncomfortable as it may be, try to talk to the boy's guardian and communicate your concerns before telling them your decision about the two being playmates.
I hope this helps!

 

[chars24]

If possible try to talk to the guardian before flatly refusing the 11 yr old. They should better make him understand that he should not be friends with 3 yo. In case you talk directly to him make sure your kid is not around and talk in a very polite 'politically correct as you said' manner. Maybe this guy does not have any friends of his age group and finds your boy someone whom he could play with. As you allowed him first time, he got encouraged, but now you have to somehow discourage him. Good luck and let us know.

 

[musicmom]

I would tell him he needed to call first and give him the wrong phone number, then do it again and again until his parents "get the hint".
I had a problem with a neighbor girl (his age) and her sister (older) coming to my house to play. The only problem is they came over when ever they felt like it.
Also at the pool this weekend there was a really tall even year old (more like 11) and you could tell he had a speech issue but then as he played he could not keep his hands off of my son. No lie, I told this child 100 times to please keep his hands off. His father was just sitting on the other end of the pool with big ol redneck mirrored glasses on and a camo hunting hat just enjoying the pool jets (a whole nother story in itself)
Finally my kids got tired of it and told him to go away themselves. Sometimes you just have to be rude I quit feeling sorry for him after a 100 times. It's your child. Tell him your son is on vacation in another state. lol

 

[meow_173]

I don't think its your responsibility to be telling this boy no. I think you should go to his parent/gaurdians house and explain to them that an 11 year old ("disabled") (<--add this is you want) boy with NO supervision shouldn't be playing with a 3 year old. Its as simple as that. ANd let them deal with it.

 

[musicmom]

She can't really go to his parents because they are going to get defensive. I'm sure they hear people not wanting their child to play with their kids. So instead of embarassing the parents break it to the child gently or send a note home that your child is on vacation for the summer.

 

[meow_173]

But either way its going to get back to the parents. I mean if she writes a note he will bring it home. and if he is disabled then he may not know that he is doing something wrong with playing with a 3 year old. And the parents may not even konw that he is callin on a 3 year old. I'm pretty sure the parents will understand.

 

[Kaytee]

theres a difference between not letting an older child play with a disabled child and playing with a young child..
I am assuming your 3 year old is not outside by themselves, he is with you, so why not? I am assuming other then then the "hit me" thing this child is fine. I wouldn't let him be with my 3 year old alone as the 3 year old is too young to deend or prtotect himself. I playd with my uncle when I was that young and he was mentally retarded. It was just the way of life. I did not see him as older I saw him as bigger! lol

 

[musicmom]

I think she doesn't want her son to learn any bad behaviors I'm assuming. I can understand not wanting to babysit someone else's responsibility. Depending on his handicap maybe you should let the parents know? Say I wasn't sure if you knew your son was coming down to my house everyday. If they are aware then maybe DCF should be notified.

 

[meow_173]

exactly

 

[Ari2]

I wouldn't let any 11-yo play with a 3-yo; the developmental delay wouldn't play into it for me. A 3-yo is a handful and is watching and imitating so much. I'd be less afraid of him picking up bad habits than trying to do something the 11-yo did and hurting himself. Or the 3-yo melting down or otherwise needing more adult supervision than most non-related 11-yos can offer (I'm assuming the 11-yo does not have siblings of this age or he would be playing with them, so he probably doesn't have a ton of childcare experience with 3-yos).

If you can't talk to the parents, I would talk to the 11-yo and put the emphasis on the fact that your son is too young and not on the age or anything else about the 11-yo. Something like "It's great you want to be friends with him, but he is too little to be a good friend. And at this age he really needs me or my husband around and to be with other little kids. You've been so kind with him; I bet you would make a great big brother one day. But he's just too young to play with".

 

[Cthru]

Thanks.

I'm thinking he lives about 4 houses down across the street.. still not sure. He does play with other older kids (well at least I've seen him with them a time or two, they may have turned him away at this point). The thing is, if I tell him he is on vacation for the summer or something we're trapped inside or restricted to the backyard. Michael likes to go out and ride his bike up and down the sidewalk. As soon as this boy sees him out he's over in a heartbeat. He wants to play 'cops' and it's really really obnoxious the way he goes about 'playing'. You are right, I don't want Michael to learn his types of behaviors. If Michael were older I don't think I'd mind as much but he really is at a very influential age.

And about talking to the parents.. like I said he's not 100%.. he rides a bike and what not.. he's just 'not all there'.. not sure how to explain but I'm sure you know what I mean. You can just tell that there is something major missing.. even in the way he speaks. So I'm sure the parents would be offended.. and I wouldn't address it as your /disabled/ kid keeps wanting to play with my son. I don't know.. just seems rude.
I think what I may do is the next time he comes over I'm going to tell him I think he is too old to play with Michael (nicely) and hope he understands/remembers. If that does not work I'll ask him where he lives and have to talk to someone there.
Such a touchy situation.

 

[NiallNai]

If the 11 yo is developmentally disabled you may need to be direct for him to get the point. In general, it is rare for kids to get subtle messages that most (ok, maybe not even most) adults would get like the "soft brush off." I think saying that your son is too young to play with him is fine.

I don't think it is a matter of being rude. You get to decide who your child plays with. Also, there's no reason to lie to 11 yo and feel like you have to trap yourself in your house to stick to your lie.

Another tactic might be to say to the boy that you need to speak with his parents because, at least in my mind, it isn't necessarily right for him to be going to a "total strangers" house either.

 

[Cthru]

oh he goes all over the neighborhood. I'm starting to think I'm not the only house he stalks.

 

[musicmom]

dcf

 

[dazed80]

Musicmom, you would go to DCF first before trying to talk to this boys parents/guardians? I would think DCF should be somewhat of a last resort. This boy may not understand that he is not wanted. Why get anyone involved that should not be? Unless I am missing something.

 

[Skyburning]

Musicmom, you would go to DCF first before trying to talk to this boys parents/guardians? I would think DCF should be somewhat of a last resort. This boy may not understand that he is not wanted. Why get anyone involved that should not be? Unless I am missing something.

I think MM is recommending DCF because the "disabled" child is running loose most of the day. But I agree talking to the parents would be my next step in this situation.

 

[dazed80]

Ahhh, I see. That makes more sense then. I still think talking to the parents first might help. It appears that they are not 100% keeping tabs on their child. Although he might just be telling them he is going out to play and not giving details. Of course that does not mean they should not be at least a little more involved. I agree though that if the parents are offended or don't want to bother, then calling DCF would be a good option - after trying other steps too.

Thanks!

 

[Cthru]

The interesting thing is I thnk this boy is living with a single father, his uncles and a grandmother. I've lived here for 10 years and he's just out and about this spring.. never seen him around before. The men in this house.. well, would not be as easy to talk to as it would if there was a mother there.
I'm ready for this weekend. If he shows up I'm gonna buddy up and ask him to show me exactly where he lives. I'm going to give him a shot at understanding he is too old and if he keeps coming around I'll have to knock on their door.

I still feel terrible though. My daughters are 15.. and I know any normal 11 yr old wouldn't be as interested.. but if they were bored or being nice they could play nice with him as my daughters do.. it just wouldn't be such an infatuation as it is in this situation.