I need advice...

[fallon]

OK so here's the deal....my very sweet, smart, wonderful daughter is becoming a sassy mouthed, back talking, defient little child. I feel like I'm going out of my mind and I need some advice and support before she gets out of control. I think the biggest problem is that she doesn't understand what she's doind wrong...but than again I talk till I'm blue in the face and that doesn't seem to do any good. I've taken things away, put her in time out, and kept her from doing things that she considers fun. What am I doing wrong and how can I fix this before thing get out of hand???

 

[theresatwis]

Maybe your daughter is hanging out with new friends who are a bad influence on her. Has anything changed recently around the time she started to act out. You could maybe try to spend some quality time with her so that you two could talk about anyhting that might be on her mind.

 

[FooserX]

Sometimes, Bradley gets carried away with sass, and it's easy for me to let it go sometimes, but I have to remember to be consistent.

Lately, I'm not even giving warnings. If he says something in a tone I don't like, it's an automatic loss of dessert for a meal. It helps.

Maybe you are letting your moderator pushover-ness seep into your real life??

 

[fallon]

it has began when she started Kindergarten and has just gotten worse. For the most part she is a very good girl but as of late she thinks is ok to push the limits. I think for now there will be no more warnings

 

[FooserX]

You know...part of this I think has to do with kids emmulating us parents (and if she's in kindergarden...definitely other kids)

We're constantly telling them what to do, how to do things, and when...it's only natural that they start to think they can speak their mind and commands. They don't know about respect...so it's not like a conscious maliciousness of sass and backtalk. It's just what they are learning.

Maybe you should try spanking. lol...kinda a joke, but you never know. I never heard of kids backtalking parents who kept them in line with the belt.

 

[fallon]

fooser
We're constantly telling them what to do, how to do things, and when...it's only natural that they start to think they can speak their mind and commands. They don't know about respect...so it's not like a conscious maliciousness of sass and backtalk. It's just what they are learning

I agree with this and I think that's the problem we are having. I don't want her to be miserable all the time but I just can't let her go through life thinking it's OK either

 

[fallon]

this is us on a daily basis

 

[FooserX]

I agree with this and I think that's the problem we are having. I don't want her to be miserable all the time but I just can't let her go through life thinking it's OK either

I know exactly what you mean!

Yesterday, I was hanging a curtain rod on the wall, and behind me, Bradley was playing. I heard him beating something against something...not too hard, but enough that I wanted to tell him to stop.

I didn't though...the little voice inside of me said "don't say stop, just let him be a little boy"

So eventually I turn around to get a hammer, and there he is...beating a plastic stick against a very expensive antique book end that my parents gave us. lol...Doh!

If you don't tell them "no" They think it's okay, and keep doing it. If you do tell them "no" you hold them down. What to do??

 

[Gitti]

OK so here's the deal....my very sweet, smart, wonderful daughter is becoming a sassy mouthed, back talking, defient little child. I feel like I'm going out of my mind and I need some advice and support before she gets out of control. I think the biggest problem is that she doesn't understand what she's doind wrong...but than again I talk till I'm blue in the face and that doesn't seem to do any good. I've taken things away, put her in time out, and kept her from doing things that she considers fun. What am I doing wrong and how can I fix this before thing get out of hand???

Oh, sorry! I just read the other posts and saw your child is in K. So my suggestions don't apply at all. DUH! - me.

I guess if you want me to think about it, my question would be what exactly do you mean by "pushing her limits"?



I am sure she that does not know what she is doing wrong. For children we have to be very exact. For instance: "behave!" means nothing to a child.

Neither does "You are opening the refrigerator and mommy told you NO." That tells her she is making you unhappy and gives her no way to deal with it differently. It builds low self-esteem.

"Don't open the refrigerator, please" is very exact and any child can understand that although that may be hard for her to follow. She will have to be reminded repeatedly. It will give her the feeling that she can't please her mommy.

"Tell mommy before you open the refrigerator" is best. It tells her she can do it but must tell/ask you first. It gives her some control and builds self-esteem.

Each situation needs to be dealt with individually. No general advice would be good here imo. Can you give us an example?

 

[JackS]

I agree, if warnings don't seem to be helping, then stop giving them.

 

[JackS]

When things have calmed down afterwards, have you asked her if she explain why she had a time out (or whatever) as a way for you to know what she is thinking she did wrong.

Does your daughter have any problem with rages? If so, she might be too upset in the moment to control herself.

 

[fallon]

When things have calmed down afterwards, have you asked her if she explain why she had a time out (or whatever) as a way for you to know what she is thinking she did wrong.

Does your daughter have any problem with rages? If so, she might be too upset in the moment to control herself.

no nothing like that...she knows what she's doing wrong and all of that. The problem is more with the tone of her voice and the way she speaks to us...and actually I'm pretty sure I've solved the mystery...lol I told her from now I on I was going to speak to her just like she speaks to me. It seems to be working because she doesn't like it at all and will actually stop and think about the way her words sound when they come out in different ways

 

[evilbrent]

When it comes to respectful communication there are to be no warnings. There's an appropriate way to talk to mum and dad and there's an inappropriate way.

Having said that, having a system of punishment and rewards is not going to work here, just like it doesn't work anywhere else. The best you could hope for, with the most inventive and direct and transparent system of punishments is a child who secretly disrespects you but openly honors your elaborate system.

The only real answer is to personally model the behaviour you want to see - only ever use calm, respectful and non-manipulative words - and to simply not accept communication that you don't want. "When you're ready to ask me nicely, have another go." "If you're going to talk to me like that you can go to the other room to do your talking." "I don't want to be talked to like that."

We're going through a thing with our 2.5 yr old where literally every word out of her mouth is a whine. I'm trying to explain to her that she can say "Dad, can I please have a glass of water?" at the dinner table instead of whining, sometimes through a veil of tears "wwww www waaaterrr in my c c c cup!"

I think it's working. Now I hear her at least trying to use a talking voice instead of a whining voice and I jump instantly and say "Of course I'll help you Ella. I like it when you speak to me like that. That was Good Asking. I'm happy to help you when you ask me like that."

 

[musicmom]

My daughter tried this with me and I am quick to put her in her place. She knows I do not play like that with her and she WILL (not an option) respect me.
Granted she's tested me like children do but I let her know that I am not her best friend that I am her mother and I will NEVER get tired and I will do what I say. I tell her "go ahead and test me child and see what happens" she usually scared of what might happen. She knows I'm unpredictable. I may not let her play at the park while the other two play or she'll go to bed a half hour early or no desert or in her room with no tv and not allowed to stop off her bed. I may have her write and apology.........tons of stuff that she hates. It's easier for her to just not do it.
Now that she's six and she has an occasional slip up she will say "I'm sorry mom, do you forgive me?" and I say "yes" and I explain respect again to her. It all works out and I have a really sweet child who knows what's appropriate.
This is coming from a child who kicked, hit and spit on her 6'5" principal when she was four for telling her to go to his office for a time out!

 

[fallon]

honestly Brent your advice is great and I think it makes a ton of sense. the problem is that's how we have always handled things...and that worked very well but it's no longer working. As of about...oh 3 months ago. All of a sudden she's a teenager stuck in a kindergarten's body

 

[jtee]

Has anything about her diet changed? Or new\different medication? Recent changed in home life?

Sometimes kids start acting out because something is triggering it, but they aren't mature enough to make all the connections between what is making them unhappy and how they express their unhappiness\frustration. Parents gets the brunt of it because they are the most trusted. A child can push things pretty far, and deep down knows, nothing really terrible is going to happen.

 

[Gitti]

All kids need is love and respect and understanding. That is not spoiling a child. That is raising a child.

Punishment have to fit the crime. Some of those punishments or treatments sound awful harsh. What crime are your 3 yr. old kids committing?

Mostly they want to please mommy and daddy. If parents would only see that. They are totally at your mercy.

Always remember: What goes around comes around. And the years go by so fast. Things get turned around and you will be at the receiving end of what you have dished out.

Raising a child is raising your best friend for life.

 

[fallon]

Has anything about her diet changed? Or newdifferent medication? Recent changed in home life?

Sometimes kids start acting out because something is triggering it, but they aren't mature enough to make all the connections between what is making them unhappy and how they express their unhappinessfrustration. Parents gets the brunt of it because they are the most trusted. A child can push things pretty far, and deep down knows, nothing really terrible is going to happen.

Kindergarten happened...lol

 

[Lissa]

Children learn a lot of bad behaviors from other children. I'm sure it's probably because she's in school now.

 

[musicmom]

It's funny to see others read into it more then it is. Bottom line is she's a stubborn little booger who is strong willed. God Bless her heart. That's actually great she's like that in a way. Not the talking back part of course but Fallon, I KNOW you can curve that. You know she got it from somewhere!