Laundry Debate...

[Dagwood]

This may seem silly compared to some other debates but it's actually something causing a bit of an argument in our household.

First some background. When I grew up my mother always put my clothes away. I'm recently unemployed, so I've started taking over some of the household tasks including laundry. (Except my wife's laundry which she insists on doing herself.) I have a 21-year-old son, a 19-year-old daughter and a 13-year old daughter. I realize that ideally kids should put away their own laundry but sometimes I find it easier to put it into their drawers, especially with my son. My 19-year-old always puts away her own laundry so I leave it to her. My 13-year-old is probably half and half -- sometimes it's just easier if I have some t-shirts to put them in the appropriate drawer.

So here's the question -- how off limit are kids rooms? My son gets very angry when I put his clothes away and my wife tells me that putting the children's clothes away is an invasion of their privacy. By the way, I'm not a snoop; I'm simply putting clothes away. I find if it's not put away, it ends up on the floor, ground into the dirty clothes and I probably end up rewashing clean clothes. It's sometimes just easier.

So particularly you mom's who do laundry (or dad's if applicable) I need your advice. Do you ever put your kids clothes away? Is it wrong to do so, or could this argument have something to do with me taking over an nontraditional role?

 

[Xero]

I wish I had some experience for you, but obviously I put away my 3 year old and 2 week old's clothes lol. However I can say that my mom never put away our clothes (but then she didn't really do the laundry either lol, we did). Whoever did the laundry would just leave the piles of clothes on top of the dryer and it was your responsibility to get your pile and put it away. Sometimes if we neglected it long enough the designated laundry person would just put them like on our bed or the floor of our room or whatever. I'm not sure though, I guess I wouldn't have liked my mom putting my clothes away. Just because at that age, even if parents say they aren't snooping, we're still afraid you're snooping LOL. You probably can't convince them otherwise. I see where you're coming from and I would have a hard time not putting them away if I were in your shoes (I would want the nice clean folded laundry I just did to end up in drawers where they go, not getting ruined on the floor etc) BUT its also one of those "choose your battles" kind of things and its pretty harmless and normal for kids not to be tidy about their clothes, so I would say that if one or all of your kids have a problem with you doing it, then don't bother. Its not worth the argument IMO.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

this may sound rude, but have you got nothing else to do than putting away their clothes??? especially when nobody's asking you to do that.

 

[MomoJA]

I see this as two different questions. I wouldn't put my teen's laundry away on the prinicple that he or she should not be waited on.

As for it being an invasion of privacy, I disagree. If opening a child's drawer to put clothes in it is considered an invation of privacy by the parent of that child, then the parent of that child is passively, or maybe even activevly condoning that the child have unacceptable paraphernalia in those drawers.

I go back to the way I was raised. My parents were not perfect, but I thank God every day for my upbringing, and my parents were strict and would have incredulously scoffed at such an "insane" notion that anything in their house was off limits to them. That is not to say that there weren't things I didn't want them to see, but they were mild compared to my friends, and I had to be more creative at hiding them. And I was aware there were consequences if those things were found. I certainly would never have felt that it was my parents' fault for finding them.

Down the road many years now, those friends whose parents had those sorts of attitudes all blame their parents for their own shortcomings. Not one of us 8 children have ever blamed our parents for any of our shortcomings. Which brings me to an argument that has come up on this forum several times and that is the definition of coddling. I believe that thinking your child's drawers are off limits to you is a form a coddling. We were not coddled in that way as children, and it has made a difference in our adulthoods.

 

[Dagwood]

this may sound rude, but have you got nothing else to do than putting away their clothes??? especially when nobody's asking you to do that.

Actually, sadly, I don't have much else to do. I've been laid off from a job where the company seems to be going under and am sensing a certain discrimination in the marketplace regarding hiring someone in their 50s. I'm well enough off financially that I don't want to accept an extremely low-wage job. I've been trying to use my time to establish a little more order in the place. The house is now much more organized and clean and supper is ready every evening but it tends to be a thankless job. (I guess now I realize what many women have been complaining about for ages.) I'm currently considering volunteer options to make better use of my time.

Part of the thing is simply practical. I need the laundry basket back. I realize that ideally my son should put away his own stuff, but it just seems to make more sense to put them in the drawers (which tend to be empty) than to stack them in front of his door. I just never heard of such a thing where a parent can't go into a room in a house they have paid for but my wife claims that this is the norm after a child is about 12 years of age. So I'm just wondering. Is it the norm?

 

[MomoJA]

Part of the thing is simply practical. I need the laundry basket back. I realize that ideally my son should put away his own stuff, but it just seems to make more sense to put them in the drawers (which tend to be empty) than to stack them in front of his door. I just never heard of such a thing where a parent can't go into a room in a house they have paid for but my wife claims that this is the norm after a child is about 12 years of age. So I'm just wondering. Is it the norm?

It probably is. But I don't think that it is necessarily the way it should be. It was not the way things were done in my home growing up, and it won't be the way things are done in my home with my child. That is not to say that I will barge in on her for no reason. And more than likely I'll have little reason to be in her room as long as she is keeping it neat and doing her homework, etc., but I believe it probably does more harm than good for her to believe that I will never or should never enter her room.

I understand you putting their clothes away out of your own convenience, and as they are now too old for you to be training them in those things anyway, I wouldn't sacrifice my own convenience for that reason.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

I'm currently considering volunteer options to make better use of my time.

great idea! it is very rewarding

I just never heard of such a thing where a parent can't go into a room in a house they have paid for but my wife claims that this is the norm after a child is about 12 years of age. So I'm just wondering. Is it the norm?

NONSENSE! It is your house. things like going through personal belongings may be debatable, but you have such right and sometimes responsibility.
my opinion is, that putting their clothes away for them you are spoiling your kids and doing a disfavour for their future partners.

 

[NancyM]

I have a 19 yr old son and he's quite disorganized to say the least. But I love him anyway. lol Yes, I do his laundry and fold it and ask him if he wants me to put it away for him or not.

He always says 'yeah if you don't mind' so for us it works nice. I don't want him to go out looking like a wrinkled slob, and he probably would...so what the heck I fold it and put it in a laundry basket and when I talk to him on the phone or see him later in the day I ask.

Not a big deal to me.

 

[NancyM]

Oh I forgot to say...
On the other hand if he asked me not to put his clothes away....(my antene would shoot up first ..) I would still fold them and leave them in the washroom in a basket, but I wouldn't go in his room.

Now if I had reason to think he was doing something he shouldn't be...than hell yeah I'd go into his room and look.

yeah yeah yeah....I know!

 

[mom2many]

I'm gonna break this down into a few different categories cause it really is more the one question.

1. Get more the one basket, I have 4 I believe cause it makes things much easier.

2. Putting clothes in their drawers, if it makes your day a little easier, is not an invasion of privacy. I rarely put my teens away but if and when I do they make no complaints. If they did I would wonder what they are hiding from me.

3. Yes children are afforded some privacy, they have every right to expect their parents aren't going to be going through their room with a fine tooth comb. However, it is still your house and unless they are paying rent they are not entitled to complete privacy. Sorry it is my house.

4. When you are done at your house, mine could use a little more fine tuning

 

[NancyM]

And by the way, Dagwood, I think it's great of you to help out the way your doing.

Good Job.!

 

[Jeremy+3]

You know what I would do, wash my own clothes, wash my partners clothes and wash the clothes of young children. If they're old enough to do it themselves they have two options;
1. smell
2. don't smell

I personally don't care which route they choose, as long as if they choose route 1 that they leave off their clothes in their floordroab, and not around the house.

 

[Step23]

If your 21 yr old son wants to be guaranteed complete privacy, he needs to be in his own place. Otherwise, it's your home. While he has a right to some privacy, placing clothing in a dresser drawer is not in violation of that.

My personal opinion? I think it's well past time this young man take responsibility for doing his own laundry.

 

[Dagwood]

And by the way, Dagwood, I think it's great of you to help out the way your doing.

Good Job.!

Thanks for the encouragement.

Thanks as well to everyone for all the great advice. Part of the reason I do my son's laundry is to take advantage of sunny days and hang it on the line. I know the energy savings are minor, but it's one of my small ways of keeping costs down when I've got time on my hands. My son isn't paying any room or board. He just started a job, so I told him I would give him until the end of the year to build up some savings and then he would have to contribute a little toward living expenses. He's anxious to get his own place. It will probably do him good to be on his own as it would force him to learn some life-skills.

 

[Xero]

this may sound rude, but have you got nothing else to do than putting away their clothes??? especially when nobody's asking you to do that.

Yeah that is kind of rude. Just saying. Not helpful at all.

As for it being an invasion of privacy, I disagree. If opening a child's drawer to put clothes in it is considered an invation of privacy by the parent of that child, then the parent of that child is passively, or maybe even activevly condoning that the child have unacceptable paraphernalia in those drawers.

Although I said I don't find it a big deal, I do also have to agree with this. Like M2M said, if they're that freaked out about you simply putting clothes in their drawers, I would have to wonder what they are hiding from you haha. Also on a side note if my mom HAD been interested in putting our clothes away, we would have had no say in it. Her house, she payed for everything, and we weren't entitled to complete privacy, and either way we should have nothing to be hiding from her.

 

[Antoinette]

i wish someone would come and put my clothes away for me... i was living alone with a baby at 17 so i have always had to be pretty independant..

with my children they are very young so i do put their clothes away for them and i will for a while. when they reach 12 i will probably try to encourage them to do it themselves and although i want them to know i am not going to snoop through their rooms i also want them to know it is my house and if i feel something is going on i should know about i WILL find out. unless you pay to live here you only get partial privacy.

 

[DadAtHome]

Personally, if it saves you time to put it away for them, then you are perfectly entitled to do so.

I would understand your sons concerns if he caught you looking through all his stuff. But, If your 21 year old son has issues with privacy, then in my opinion he's at the age where he should be considering moving into his own place anyway, it's part of growing up and at the end of the day you can never expect to have complete privacy when you are living in your parents home.

 

[BruinBaby]

Ask Maria Shriver is she wishes she had someone else doing her laundry.

 

[chelbelle]

Well I have some time to wait as my children are 4.5, 2.5 and 14 months. My eldest is starting to help put laundry away now though, he's keen to help.

When they are older, I will probably not put laundry away as I would want them to learn responsibility and earn pocket money so they would have to help with chores around the house. That's how I was brought up, we all had stuff to do around the house when we reached early teens. I wouldn't want mine waited on hand and foot, they do not appreciate it I am sure and become lazy so it's a no brainer for me.

As for the privacy issue, yes children do need their private space and their bedroom is their sanctuary so I can see why your older boy flips out.

 

[Morquinn]

Maybe getting several baskets, perhaps going as far as folding the laundry, then putting them in the baskets, setting them in your childrens rooms and making it a chore they must put their clothes away. That way your at least folding the clothes right away as to not get wrinkley, but making them take some responsibility in putting them away. My mother never put my clothes away for me, and im not going to when my children are also old enough to do so themselves. If they are gonna freak out because your putting their clothes away, then the only way to solve the problem is to make them do it themselves..I guess.