Lesbian daughter -HELP...

[parentastic]

OP, I think you have quite a difficult riad ahead if you, and your daughter even more so. At least, i would think you can appreciate better now why your daughter has hid her orientation for so long and so well: although you are discovering your husband's intolrence only now, you can bet your daughter has known for some time already, with each homophobic joke a black mark on her self esteem.

Which is why it will become very critical that she feels your support 100%.
i think you need to get to a point where she knows you are on her side and she can choose if she wants this to remains in the closet toward her dad, or if she is willing to risk open confrontation, fully backed by you.

In the mean time: prepare the battle ahead. Make some phone calls and research, find a support organization in your local area for your daughter, perhaps one for your husband so he can meet parents of homosexual children; you can keep all this info safely away so that its ready to use for when the shits hits the fan (and it will).

Look for a great presentation conference by John Corvino, "what's morally wrong with homosexuality", a wonderful and humorous conference from a gay man who used to be a priest before he left the church. He addresses most of the questions your husband may asks himself. The conference can be purchased on dvd but you can find its keypoints sampled on youtube.
As he says so eloquantly, people shouldn't be judged on who they love, but on <I>whether</I> they love...

Make sure to openly stand for equality in your house, your daughter needs to see it before she will trust you.
To be accused of sin just for "being" eho you are and absolutely cannot change is terrible! Imagine if someone would accuse you of being in sin for loving the opposite gender ... Could you accept it? I venture to say no more than the reverse... She needs support.

Good luck!

 

[raspberryicarus]

I found the pflag website, which has a lot of helpful information. I'm considering calling my local pflag chapter to see if there is another parent I can talk to who has gone through this before. It would be nice to vent my feelings and concerns to someone in real life.
I'm also going to look into churches around us with more accepting attitudes towards gay people, so that both my husband and daughter can see that faith and homosexuality can coexist.
Thank you for recommending John Corvino's talk to me. I looked him up, and the points he made were very compelling.

I've been continuously sticking up for gay rights since I've posted in this forum. I'm doing my best to make her feel more safe and supported. I still can't convince my husband to stop voicing his homophobia because I can't tell him what I know, but I do confront him. Hopefully she will see that and know that I'm on her side.

Once again, thank you to everyone who has given me advice. I really appreciate it.

 

[raspberryicarus]

I just thought I'd give an update for those who helped me out, and give a sincere thank you for all the advice. Everything's finally in the open between us now, but she is in a lot of pain, which I just can't fix, even though I want to more than anything. She didn't come out to me exactly, but here's what happened:

Since I last posted I've continued to try to show her my acceptance, and well, yesterday my husband and I got into a heated discussion (read: argument) about gay people and his use of the word "fag." Our daughter had come home from college for the weekend and was listening to the whole argument. When he left to meet some friends, my daughter asked me, "Why do you care?" I asked what she meant, and she said, "Why do you care about gay people all of a sudden?" I didn't want to tell her I knew and that I read a lot of her personal posts, so I gave the generic answer: that I think everyone has a right to love and be treated equally. Then she said, "Well yeah, but you used to not care. Why now?" I couldn't really think of anything to say, my brain froze so I decided to be honest and tell her that I knew because I saw the LGBT forum on her computer. She looked like a deer in the headlights, and then she broke down and started sobbing saying "I'm sorry" over and over again. I hugged her and told her that it was okay and I loved her just the same until she calmed down enough to talk. Then we finally had the discussion I had been waiting for about what she's been going through. She told me that "dad hates me." I tried to tell her that he doesn't hate her, and she countered with, "Yes he does; he just doesn't know it yet," which broke my heart. I tried to comfort her by telling her that if he knew he would come around. I think she took that to mean that I was going to tell him, because she panicked again and made me promise not to tell. We talked for a couple hours. This morning, she seemed really self conscious and embarrassed around me, which I hate but I guess is to be expected. It's bittersweet because she is still hurting so much, but at least she knows she can come to me.

Thank you once again to all those who gave me advice. I mentioned PFLAG and asked if she'd want to go to a meeting with me, but she doesn't think she's ready for that yet.
Ugg, I'm feeling so emotionally drained right now.

 

[parentastic]

I can't begin to imagine how drained you must be, but also how releived to know things are more in the open now, at least as far as you and your daughter are concerned.
You daughter is going through something huge. If i have an advice to give, it is to try not to reassure her. I realize it may feel counter-intuitive...
If she says "dad hates me", that's her fear and current emotion: saying "no he won't" to reassure her won't work, she will only feal "mom is nice and all, but she just can't understand me". It's more effective to just say: "it must be terrifying", or "if he does, he'd be damn stupid" or anything that VALIDATES her feelings and shows you understand.
Reassurance usually undermines ones deeper and stronger feelings - plus, you really DON'T know for sure how her dad will react.

Keep us updated. Sending you lots of energy!

 

[raspberryicarus]

Thank you, and updates will come as things change.

And you're right. I'm not sure how he will react, but it was so horrible to hear her say that that my first reaction as to disagree.