I am married to a wonderful man with custody of his two children. We have been together 10 years now. In that 10 years the mother of these two wonderful children has spent maybe 100 days with them in the 10 years I have been apart of their lives. We have never said anything hurtful about their mother over the years. We have spent time telling them that she is a wonderful person and that she loves them. We have dried tears when she calls and tells them that she is coming and then never shows up and then surfaces 7 years later only because her oldest child jumps in front of our truck on accident and my husband had to get out and say something too her just for her to yell daddy run inside and get her mother. The ex-wife walks out with a beer in hand and a cigarette looks in the truck at the two kids and says oh my other little offspring how nice. Throws her smoke on the ground and walks away. Let me say her oldest is not my husband but he raised her from 6 months to 4 years. My husband leaves the children in the truck and trys to go talk to her just to have her slam the door in his face and tells him to take the children and leave. We go two more years and don't see or hear from her not from a lack of trying she moved from where she had been living. Then one day she calls and decides that she wants her visitation with the children everyother weekend because she has has two more children and her oldest daughter is 13 and pregnant and she wants the babies and the grandbaby to know her other two children. My husband had to send the children who cried and clinged to the car we had to pry them out to send them with her and they were 11 and 12 at that time. She had little to do with them mostly left them with her youngest two 2 and 1 and went out to the bars with her third husband. After that my husband refused to send the children again. She never called in Dec of 2011 she filed for custody of the children and that started a 9 month custody battle in the end the judge told her that she hadn't been present enough in the children's lives and that custody would remain the same. We started to force the children to go again to their mothers. Come mother's day they refused to go they wanted to plant flowers for grandma( she pasted away last March) she was a VERY VERY large part of their life she took care of them from the time their mother left when the youngest was 3 months old until I came into the picture when the youngest was 3. The next weekend the children walked from Grandpa's house the few blocks to their mother's to be yelled at and put out of the house. Her husband (number 4) told the children they were never to come back since they couldn't show their mother the respect she deserved and that Grandma was no one and never was and they shouldn't care or hurt over her loss. The children returned in tears and after calming them both down we got the story the problem is the mother went a long with the husband and upped it by telling the daughter she was an ungrateful bitch. My husband immideatlly called his ex wife who did not denie the accusation. After that the next weekend she was to have them we went to the arranged meeting place and waited over and hour for her to show and she never did. He refused to call her stating that she is an adult and he shouldn't have to call and remind her of her weekends with the children. We went three more of her weekends and never did she show. She didn't call until she was forced into court by child support enforcement because she was 9,000 behind in support. She called to say that he best get them to back off. Never asked about the children or asked to talk or see them. Then in Nov. of 2012 she files a rule to show cause and have him held in contemt of court for not sending the children. My husband goes into court and the judge holds him incontment because he didn't drive the 28 miles knock on the door and force the children inside the home. The children now 15 and 14 don't want to go they do drugs and sell them and have done both infront of the children. My step-daughter looks at us and tells us she is mad because we never told her how horrible her mother was and that we didn't tell her the truth because her mother don't love her and that she uses them as trophy's to the new husbands family. I love my step children to death I see them as my own I know that they are not and that they have their mother but I hurt as I watch her hurt them. The judge told my husband that he had to forcably make the children go restrain them do whatever it took toget them into the mothers car. The visit right after I watched in horror as he had to drag both children out of the car and force them into hers and she had to lock the doors and have some one else hold the passenger door shut why my husband pulled and forced the other child into the car. When does this border abuse? That is what we wonder. We don't want to take her time with the children away but she has done the damage that we fear can't be undone. My husband has filed to have visitation taken away but until it goes to court we have to cont this horrible mess. The daughter went from straight a's to c's and d's in a matter of weeks cause she can't deal with the stress. What can we do. I know I am a legal outsider and stranger but it doesn't help me to keep from hurting.
Lost need advice...
- Thread starter Mommyof4in11
- Start date
It sounds like you're doing what you can. You can't make their mother a better parent, and you can't make their time with her any better. What you can do is eliminate the meltdown that happens at drop-offs. I'm sure you can all agree that a meltdown doesn't change what's going to happen, so a peaceful transition is best. I would take time to explain this to the children, and let them know your expectations for them to act maturely. Give them time to express their frustrations at your home, so they do not feel that drop-off time is the only opportunity to make this statement. You can let them know that their concerns are important to you, and periodically update them on the legal battle to show you are taking them seriously. But be honest about the likelihood of things actually changing.
Unless there is clear evidence of abuse or neglect, or criminal activity, then it's unlikely that the mother's parental rights will be revoked. So if you are going forward with that assumption, it is probably best to discuss coping strategies with the kids, rather than pander to their tantrums or reinforce their negative feelings. Maybe you can ask them what the "least horrible" part of mom time was, and work your way up to "best part." You aren't going to convince them to like her (only she can do that), but you can help them cope.
Unless there is clear evidence of abuse or neglect, or criminal activity, then it's unlikely that the mother's parental rights will be revoked. So if you are going forward with that assumption, it is probably best to discuss coping strategies with the kids, rather than pander to their tantrums or reinforce their negative feelings. Maybe you can ask them what the "least horrible" part of mom time was, and work your way up to "best part." You aren't going to convince them to like her (only she can do that), but you can help them cope.
The children are old enough to now have a say in when and where they go. It may be time to take it back to court but instead of an attorney for you guys, the children need an attorney and to file for themselves. They are going to have to take a stand, and I would be asking for a different judge, and judge who feels a parents should be forcing their children into a car, is clearly off his damn rocker. There is no way in hell my kids of that age would go along with it...none.
I was wondering about that too, but the laws vary so much by state, that I didn't want to hazard a guess on how old the kids had to be to influence custodial arrangements.
We live in IL and the judge is clear force if necessary to make them go. Right after that hearing my husband filed to have the visitation terminated and for the children to have a say in front of the judge so that they may voice their concerns on why they don't want to go. Now its a wait game for the date and if the judge will hear what the children have to say. In the end they are the only ones that have seen the drugs and the drug deals we have not. We heard the conversation that they had the last visit because my step daughter called my phone and held it down where the ex couldn't see it but I could hear it all. It was killing me I wanted to drive the 28 miles and take the kids but I could do nothing and that was killing me.
All the counselling in the world and they have lots has not helped. She is a stranger to them and their time spent there is being shoved out of the house to wonder the streets and being told to be back before midnight or they are locked out. They walked the 8 blocks to grandpa's house and sat there until 9:30 at night and walked back. They were pushed out of the house at 11 am. The kids can't handle the smell of the pot and from what short time they are there the come home with their hair, clothes and bags reeking of pot. She and her husband only yells at them when they are there and they have to sleep on the floor and she won't get them beds we even volunteered to give her the spare set of bunk beds we had and she said why the floor is good enough for them. I can't imagine why the children don't want to go she has 4 other children 1 older than them that has a 2 year old and three that are younger that she treats like the world. Christmas came and they had to sit and watch everyone else open presents because they only bought for the ones that live their. No I can't see why they don't want to go and that has to be mental abuse of some kind. I wouldn't want to be around drugs or where they sell them. It scares me how many times to deals go bad and a gun goes off. They have illegal guns in the home that I know for a fact. Her husband is a felon and she refuse to give up her 22 handgun even after it was discovered she it to her 2 ex husband for him to call us and tell us 3 weeks later that she had taken the gun back because she felt unsafe with all the people coming in and out of the house. We have tried to stop the melt down but they know what they are walking into and they are afraid and we can't stop that. We try and support them on their feelings but I also can't stand to see a 3.84 gpa go down the drain and that's whats happen.
Is there a reason you haven't called Social Services to do a welfare check on them while they're over there?
Yes our lawyer told us at this point doing that while he is in the middle of a dispute over visitation would look vindictive and would most likely go unheard by Social Services. That is one of the parts that keeps me up at night. The last time they went two weeks ago neither one of us slept and when our phone would just light up we were up checking it. If we want to involve Social Services it has to be done after then it can still look bad. IL is driving me nuts with we don't care attitude.
Yeah, I can see how that would look vindictive, especially if they didn't find anything that particular time. Maybe you can anonymously report a drug deal. I know my community is really vigilant about drug activity, but a lot of other places dismiss it unless someone gets shot.
That's about the same here. They have to phyiscally see them doing it and they just won't knock on the door and search the home. The only ones who sees it are the children we haven't but I can sure smell it on them. I have to wash their stuff the second they come through the door because the smell makes me sick
Could the kids get their own lawyer or contact social services on their own? This all just seems so ridiculous. Maybe if they are the ones to start the 'petition' someone will listen to them. It just seems like the system has really dropped the ball on this. I personally don't think I would really give a crap if the 'system' would see calling social services as vindictive. You need someone to help you and it doesn't seem like the lawyer or judge is doing it. Maybe social services can give you some advice even if you don't want to start an official complaint. Good luck, this just sucks.
It does right now were waiting on the motion to modify to go through and he hopes that the Judge will talk to the children if that doesn't work then I myself will contact social services and see what advice they can give. I hate thinking that this weekend that they will be their but I have to keep my head up for these kids and just let them know when they get home they will be loved and safe. It's about all I can do right now.
I would say you could at least call social services and get their advice. You don't have to tell them who you are, who the kids are, who the mom is. Just ask. They know the system well and might be able to give you some advice/info that helps now.
I actually had a case of 'vindictive' social service involvement. After my youngest son was born, got the all clear from the doctor, I wanted to leave the hospital before the 24 hr period (God Forbid I wanted to take a healthy baby home!). The nurse on call was not a nice lady and she got upset with me and even though I had a release from the doctor she called social services and got them involved. It was dropped right away, and it turns out it was NOT the first time this nurse had been involved in doing something like this. They(social services) were very helpful even though I was very upset over the situation.
Good luck! Just tell the kiddos that you are doing everything that you can and that if they could hang in there a bit longer you think things are going to work out.
I actually had a case of 'vindictive' social service involvement. After my youngest son was born, got the all clear from the doctor, I wanted to leave the hospital before the 24 hr period (God Forbid I wanted to take a healthy baby home!). The nurse on call was not a nice lady and she got upset with me and even though I had a release from the doctor she called social services and got them involved. It was dropped right away, and it turns out it was NOT the first time this nurse had been involved in doing something like this. They(social services) were very helpful even though I was very upset over the situation.
Good luck! Just tell the kiddos that you are doing everything that you can and that if they could hang in there a bit longer you think things are going to work out.
I agree that you should just wait for your next court date if it is soon. But if you're looking at a distant court date, and many unsupervised visitations until then, I'd take Julie's advice and see what Social Services recommends. If they're in a dangerous situation, it's not worth waiting around for something awful to happen. By that point, it's too late. And drugs/alcohol is a factor in the majority of violent crimes. I'm not trying to scare you or suggest that something awful is inevitable, because it's not. But the situation is pretty ridiculous, and I wouldn't tolerate a series of drawn-out court dates that may or may not resolve things, if it means leaving them in the custody of drug addicts and all the filth that goes with that kind of activity. Can't you at least get the visitations supervised?
I'm not suggesting that your lawyer doesn't have your best interests in mind, but remember that he/she is probably coming from a strictly legal perspective. Maybe you have a greater chance of eventual success by waiting it out, but is that the safest option? If something bad were to happen, that too would give you a legal edge, but that's not what you want. I'm not saying that's what your lawyer is banking on or anything, but tunnel vision comes to mind. What is the best approach legally is not necesarily best for the kids. Maybe they do need their own legal advocate.
I'm not suggesting that your lawyer doesn't have your best interests in mind, but remember that he/she is probably coming from a strictly legal perspective. Maybe you have a greater chance of eventual success by waiting it out, but is that the safest option? If something bad were to happen, that too would give you a legal edge, but that's not what you want. I'm not saying that's what your lawyer is banking on or anything, but tunnel vision comes to mind. What is the best approach legally is not necesarily best for the kids. Maybe they do need their own legal advocate.
He has been looking into a child advocate not only for that reason he don't want them talking to the judge without one in the chambers. I have my day off tomorrow and had planned to slip out of the house and make the call. We don't know the court date as of yet the paper work was filed the 18 of Jan and they don't have it on the docket as of yet. Were all feeling the effects of this now the oldest kids worried, us worried has rolled down hill so to speak and now even my peaceful 10 year old is acting out and our two youngest are waking up at night and are jumpy all day due to all the stress. To top it all off in the last two weeks the high school has called because my Step daughter has had panic attacks in school. Something that has never and I mean never happened before. I have to do something before it tears this family up even more than what it has. I feel bad but when it starts to effect everyone down the the 18 month old then its a real problem.
My suggestion would be to gather as much proof as possible. I'm sure the kids have cellphones - could they take pictures of the drugs, record conversations, etc? Make notes of exactly what happened and who witnessed it (eg. grandpa) If there is any physical abuse (although you didn't mention it) I'd take them to a doctor immediately - even if it's just bruises - for the sole purpose of having it on record. Can you get any proof of your SD's panic attack? Is it on record at the school, or could a teacher perhaps write something? That is also proof.
From what I have lately found out about social welfare systems the world over, you will never every piece of proof you can find. The court will NOT make a decision based on the word of a child, or even the child's parent.
Lastly, would it be possible to petition the court for an earlier court case? Could you possibly use the children's "symptoms" as proof that this is urgent?
From what I have lately found out about social welfare systems the world over, you will never every piece of proof you can find. The court will NOT make a decision based on the word of a child, or even the child's parent.
Lastly, would it be possible to petition the court for an earlier court case? Could you possibly use the children's "symptoms" as proof that this is urgent?
They won't bump it up court over booked now. We just have to live with it and I am at the end of my ropes. Dad has been on layoff for 36 months, Mom don't support the children so who does I do. I pay for it all clothes, drivers ed, clay shooting team, and i make 10 cents over IL mimum wage. It angers me that I have to support them while she does her thing nice clothes new appliances, remodeling her home nice car, hair and nails done weekley and she can't treat the children nicely. She treats them horribly and don't pay to help take care of them and I am so at wits end with all of it. I hate seeing the unhappy or hurt so I pay for everything and go with out for myself and my children go with out so that their kids have what they want and need. I know I am venting but I can't help myself anymore the court won't do anything, my husband can't do anything and is looking for a new job and I am sick of my other 4 children and myself going without to make them all happy its emotionally killing me.