Before I became pregnant with the first biological grandchild my inlaw's all became very attached to a little girl. They practically raised her from the age of 4 months until her family moved away when she was a little over a year old. Her parents are the same age as me and my husband (their son) and worked at the same place as my father in law. They had problems with their marriage and would leave the child at my in law's during the day so they could sort things out and then at night sleep in my husband's room (we were away at college). That's fine of course but things got to the point where my mother in law made a nursery, bought a crib, clothes, toys, everything you can think of. Instead of encouraging the couple to spend more time with the child they kept her 4 days out of the week. My mother in law started to refer to her as her granddaughter and was abolutely smitten with her.
That's when it started to weird me and my husband out. We would come home from college to visit and the couple would be there sleeping in my husband's room and the baby would be sleeping in my in-law's room in the little nursery. My brothers and sister in law were referred to as Aunt and Uncle with the baby. When I became pregnant and married their son we had to put a stop to it. We felt like we were getting jipped out of a very special event in life...giving them their first grandchild. We talked to them about it and my mother in law got very defensive and said that it shouldn't be an issue but that she wouldn't call herself "Nanny" to her anymore since that's what our child and all her other real grandchildren would call her. I believed her but we would catch her sneaking out to go visit with her when we lived with them. We couldn't understand why she had to sneak around about it. It's not that we wanted her to cut ties, we just wanted there to be bounderies when it came to who was the first grandchild. I didn't want my child treated any differently. After my daughter was born things were ok, we just all ignored the issue.
Once the little girl and her family moved back things picked up again. We didn't say much and I didn't even pitch a fit about my mother in law leaving up all the little framed pictures that say things like "Grandma loves me" and "I love my nana!" with her picture in it. Well they stopped by for a visit recently and the little girl is around 2 now. I thought things were fine and resolved and we all had found a happy medium but the little girl was standing next to me and pointed to my mother in law and said "nanny nanny nanny!". I asked her mother who I was politely chit-chatting with what the little girl had just said so that I could be sure I heard right and she got really uncomfortable and told me but said that she wasn't sure why she was still calling her that. That made me realize that my mother in law must have said something to her about how it was making me feel and she was also still referring to herself as Nanny with the child because she wouldn't have remembered from when she was 7 months old (which was when she said she'd stop calling herself Nanny around her). I felt betrayed and hurt. I havn't decided if I should say anything yet because we just now got on better terms and seem to be building our relationship.
Do I even have reason to be upset? Is this all just jealousy and were we wrong to even step in on any of this?
Should I just let it go? If so, why am I even feeling so hurt and jealous? She's not the kind of woman that can calmly and logically discuss emotions and issues. She's very defensive. I'm just hurt and overwhelmed. Thank you for any help you can give
~Allison
*******EDIT******** PLEASE READ*******
I wrote this post with fresh anger and pain and left a lot of important things out. I came off sounding like someone I know i'm not.
My MIL is no saint. She said some awful things about the baby's mother that I KNOW AREN'T TRUE. I didn't know it at the time but I do know now. She simply wanted to adopt this child because she really believed in her own mind that she was the rightful mother to this child. She thought she was a better mother and accused the girl infront of me and infront of her YOUNG children that she thought the baby's mother was drugging the baby to make her sleep. This was not true, she made it up in her mind to justify her deep need to be a mother to this baby. She said the same thing about me and I sure as heck didn't do anything to harm my child. Ever. She would say terrible things about the parents and then a few days later act like she didn't know what we were talking about when we'd bring it up and she was acting all nice to them. It was very confusing and hard for us. I blindly believed that these people were bad parents which was why I freaked and got hurt that they were putting them above my husband financially. (they spent $1000's of dollars on them and had no money left for his tuition). I've become close to the mother of the baby and was very honest with her about my jealousy but she completely understands now that she knows how they had them above us. She agrees that my MIL took things too far with her daughter. I did not tell her any of the awful things that she said about her because i'm not a vengeful jealous beast like some seem to think. She told me all this on her own.
She would say things about how I didn't bathe my child enough or feed her enough. Bull. My father in law told me he knew there was something wrong with her and that she's got superiority issues. Her two youngest kids havn't been in school since the 5th and 7th grades. They are supposed to be in 8th and 12th now. That's her doing. She just does not acknowledge that she does wrong in any situation. It's always somebody else. And if a situation isn't to her liking...then she'll make up a better one in her head like her being a better mother to the baby and me and this other mother being terrible people.
I was in the wrong for getting as upset as I was. The baby is a beautiful 2 year old now and I want her to have a loving grandmother...but I just didn't think my MIL had great intentions. I'm stepping away from the situation and know better than to get so hurt by her now. She's just different than me and I guess I expected her to be as understanding and as sane as my mother.
I love children and I did come across as bitter towards the child, I am not. I want the best for her, I really do. She has another grandmother who loves her dearly so it's not like I was trying to take away her only one. I may have come across differently so just trying to clear it up.
That's when it started to weird me and my husband out. We would come home from college to visit and the couple would be there sleeping in my husband's room and the baby would be sleeping in my in-law's room in the little nursery. My brothers and sister in law were referred to as Aunt and Uncle with the baby. When I became pregnant and married their son we had to put a stop to it. We felt like we were getting jipped out of a very special event in life...giving them their first grandchild. We talked to them about it and my mother in law got very defensive and said that it shouldn't be an issue but that she wouldn't call herself "Nanny" to her anymore since that's what our child and all her other real grandchildren would call her. I believed her but we would catch her sneaking out to go visit with her when we lived with them. We couldn't understand why she had to sneak around about it. It's not that we wanted her to cut ties, we just wanted there to be bounderies when it came to who was the first grandchild. I didn't want my child treated any differently. After my daughter was born things were ok, we just all ignored the issue.
Once the little girl and her family moved back things picked up again. We didn't say much and I didn't even pitch a fit about my mother in law leaving up all the little framed pictures that say things like "Grandma loves me" and "I love my nana!" with her picture in it. Well they stopped by for a visit recently and the little girl is around 2 now. I thought things were fine and resolved and we all had found a happy medium but the little girl was standing next to me and pointed to my mother in law and said "nanny nanny nanny!". I asked her mother who I was politely chit-chatting with what the little girl had just said so that I could be sure I heard right and she got really uncomfortable and told me but said that she wasn't sure why she was still calling her that. That made me realize that my mother in law must have said something to her about how it was making me feel and she was also still referring to herself as Nanny with the child because she wouldn't have remembered from when she was 7 months old (which was when she said she'd stop calling herself Nanny around her). I felt betrayed and hurt. I havn't decided if I should say anything yet because we just now got on better terms and seem to be building our relationship.
Do I even have reason to be upset? Is this all just jealousy and were we wrong to even step in on any of this?
Should I just let it go? If so, why am I even feeling so hurt and jealous? She's not the kind of woman that can calmly and logically discuss emotions and issues. She's very defensive. I'm just hurt and overwhelmed. Thank you for any help you can give
~Allison
*******EDIT******** PLEASE READ*******
I wrote this post with fresh anger and pain and left a lot of important things out. I came off sounding like someone I know i'm not.
My MIL is no saint. She said some awful things about the baby's mother that I KNOW AREN'T TRUE. I didn't know it at the time but I do know now. She simply wanted to adopt this child because she really believed in her own mind that she was the rightful mother to this child. She thought she was a better mother and accused the girl infront of me and infront of her YOUNG children that she thought the baby's mother was drugging the baby to make her sleep. This was not true, she made it up in her mind to justify her deep need to be a mother to this baby. She said the same thing about me and I sure as heck didn't do anything to harm my child. Ever. She would say terrible things about the parents and then a few days later act like she didn't know what we were talking about when we'd bring it up and she was acting all nice to them. It was very confusing and hard for us. I blindly believed that these people were bad parents which was why I freaked and got hurt that they were putting them above my husband financially. (they spent $1000's of dollars on them and had no money left for his tuition). I've become close to the mother of the baby and was very honest with her about my jealousy but she completely understands now that she knows how they had them above us. She agrees that my MIL took things too far with her daughter. I did not tell her any of the awful things that she said about her because i'm not a vengeful jealous beast like some seem to think. She told me all this on her own.
She would say things about how I didn't bathe my child enough or feed her enough. Bull. My father in law told me he knew there was something wrong with her and that she's got superiority issues. Her two youngest kids havn't been in school since the 5th and 7th grades. They are supposed to be in 8th and 12th now. That's her doing. She just does not acknowledge that she does wrong in any situation. It's always somebody else. And if a situation isn't to her liking...then she'll make up a better one in her head like her being a better mother to the baby and me and this other mother being terrible people.
I was in the wrong for getting as upset as I was. The baby is a beautiful 2 year old now and I want her to have a loving grandmother...but I just didn't think my MIL had great intentions. I'm stepping away from the situation and know better than to get so hurt by her now. She's just different than me and I guess I expected her to be as understanding and as sane as my mother.
I love children and I did come across as bitter towards the child, I am not. I want the best for her, I really do. She has another grandmother who loves her dearly so it's not like I was trying to take away her only one. I may have come across differently so just trying to clear it up.
