My son hates me....

[NancyM]

I'll tell you, the teen age years are defiantly the worse.

People use to tell me that and I'd think, no my son is so good he would never do this or that, well NOT! He's driving me nuts with his changing moods.

Max is 19 and a good kid, but recently he's saying how he hates college, and hates living here, and hates his childhood, and hates his grandmother, and hates everything. He originally majored in Physics, and engineering...Yeah it's hard! To you and me, but Max just breezes through it all like second nature, I had no reason the believe he wasn't happy. So he did a year of that grueling work than decided it wasnt' for him. (to much work he says) That's fine but now to find out what IS for him.

I suggested Accounting, since his a mastermind with numbers, math, and finances. Just a suggestion, since he came moping into my room with a 'Poor me' attitude. I gave him the usual story that he has to get some kind of degree if he wants to make something of his life....So I suggest accounting, He rolls his eyes at me, says he doesn't want to do that either. Everything I say he doesn't want to do, than he says I don't help him figure it out!!

He claims that he hates college, but I know it's because he hates writing like he always did even as a little kid. He's doing an English class which requires major writing. He got a C+ on a paper, and he expects A's all the time, so now he claims he can't even do writing.

What ever I suggest he mocks me. Says I don't know anything about this stuff!! lol. I don't know what to say to him anymore. It's like since he turned 18 he's another person.

Is there anyone with teen-agers, or anyone who is a teen who can help me relate? How long does this moodiness go on??

 

[Hazel Carolina]

oh great so its not over at 19? i have a 17 year old who was the sweetest kid i have ever met and then like a switch flipped when he turned about 16 he became a moody little sod.

he talks to me kindly only when he wants something i mostly only see him at meal times which isn't very regular anymore because he is usually at his boyfriends house.

he is constantly talking about dropping out of highschool because all he really wants to be is a hairdresser and our usual morning is.

<I>"Morning Jordz, would you like breakfast?"
"nah, I'm watching my weight"
"not eating breakfast won't make you healthy"
"you know nothing about health and fitness, just look at yourself"
"Watch how you speak to me Jordan"
"well, while your mad at me anyway. I'm dropping out of highschool"
"no your not"
"I'm nearly an adult, i can do what i want"
"you will end up working on a checkout forever"
"mum, i don't even need a high school degree to be a hair
dresser"
"but you need a certificate"
"Ill go to TAFE"</I>
then he storms out the door.... that was this mornings one anyway... so I'm not looking forward to this for another 2 years

 

[superman]

ah man. i remember that phase lol. i went through that when i was about 15-16 constantly fightin with everybody esp. ppl closest to me. pretty much every teenager goes through it some later then others. just be careful that dont turn into a depression thing cus i seen it happen quite a few times w/ kids. they start to focus 2 much on negative and dwell. u gotta admit....pickin a career is not easy. i mean this is somethin u are choosing to do the rest of ur life. although most parents dnt wanna do this, maybe ur one of em, but its not the end of the world if he were 2 take a year off, work and actually think srsly bout what he wants to do. i remember the feelin of bein pressured ESP. cus i had a kid and i didnt finish school. tell him 2 explore his interests....take courses tht interest him.

takes time

 

[singledad]

I'm with superman on this - he obviously doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, and the pressure of having to decide (NOW!!) is making him cranky. How about letting him take a gap year - work, gain some life experience, and take time to think about what he wants from life.

I find it kinda scary that one is expected to decide at 17/18 years old, what you want to do with the rest of your life. How well can you possibly know yourself at that age? Isn't it a bit unrealistic to expect that?

PS: I don't think he hates you. He's just taking out his frustrations on you, that's all...

 

[NancyM]

I'm afraid he won't ever go back to school. I know it's his life but if you knew how capable he is you would try very hard to sway him to stay in.

I already suggested he take a year off. He said maybe he will, that's fine with me. Personally I want him to go back into therapy. I'm working on that with him.

I think if he takes time off from school he should at least go to therapy to figure out if he's depressed or not. The therapist told him he may be. Than He stopped going all of a sudden. I know he wants to be a police officer now, and I think he may be worried that if he takes depression medicine they won't let him be a cop. ( Which may be correct, I don't know)

Another thing that might be a possibility. Max took an internet test that some of his friends took to see if he has Aspergers, and low and behold he failed it. (which means he has it) Max always says he doesn't like to socialize, and not comfortable with people. Many of his friends kind of dropped him since they graduated HS, and he has a hard time making new ones, although he gets along with older people better.

He feels that he has an anti-social personality, but from my experience he has always been normal with other kids, always had lots of young friends and even as a teen, had enough pals. There are a lot of other small oddities that all of a sudden he's noticing, I'm still not sure it's just normal hormones and changes.

But I know it's something he does struggle with. Does anyone have experience with Aspergers?

 

[mom2many]

He most likely doesn't have asperger's, however that doesn't mean that there aren't things in his life, socially, that aren't trying for him. I'd say the odd are he is just an introverted person.

Not everyone is going to be a social butterfly, some find making friends a lot harder the others. Loosing friends after HS is very normal and it's a hard reality for a lot of kids cause you always think that that is the one thing that will be a constant in your life, and then everyone goes their own way and things change.

Also those internet test...I could pass as aspergers, I can be social on the net, but real life is a lot harder for me. I think this is true of a lot of people.

What really needs to be done is getting him back into therapy, if he is in a depression the only thing that will help is therapy. It will only get worse if left untreated.

 

[Jeremy+3]

I could take an internet test that confirmed that I was female if I wanted to, but it doesn't mean I am female.

Why did he take an English class if he doesn't like that sort of thing, it isn't exactly relevant to his degree.

Telling him he needs a degree to be successful in life (which isn't true) wont exactly encourage him, it will only allow you to be successful if it is something you really want to do, otherwise you end up in a career you don't enjoy. While as a parent you have good intentions I doubt he is appreciating your input at the moment, so I would just leave him alone to sulk until he gets a grip of himself.

It is common to lose contact with a lot of school friends, after all once you leave you can truly choose your friends, get rid of the annoying and immature ones mainly.

 

[Father_0f_7]

Why did he take an English class if he doesn't like that sort of thing, it isn't exactly relevant to his degree

In most colleges you have to take those kinds of classes (English, Science, History type thing) just to get a degree.

At least that's how it is here.

 

[Xero]

Yeah, at regular college (like 4 year programs etc) you major in something but you have to take main classes as well, which would include stuff like English, Science, Math, and History and whatnot. If you go to Career school though, which is shorter and less expensive, you only take classes pertaining to what you want a job in. Just depends on what route you take, but in most cases you get a better degree in regular college as opposed to career school.

 

[bosox1789]

As someone who hasn't been out of college for too long I can see where he's coming from. Even though I never felt that way in school, I certainly had friends who did. Maybe he should consider switching to a different school, or taking a year off to get his head straight. College is a very demanding place and having a bad attitude all the time certainly will not make it a successful college experience.

 

[NancyM]

Thanks everyone for your input.

This English is a "required class" Jeremy. As a matter of fact this is his second required English class and this one is Eng literature which means very much reading and writing. Two things he only does for necessity, never for pleasure.

As far as the internet test goes, we both know how useless they really are, but it opened both our eyes to look up information on Aspergers and guess what? He actually does fit into some of those categories. He was the one who noticed all this, not me.

I guess I should give you a little more information about Max.

Max is a Physics major, so he also has very stressful factual classes which require serious study.

He entered college at age 17, I knew he would be changing his degree probably more than once,because that's what usually happens, He picked this college because it's a Medical Teaching College, heavy in sciences and math. Something he loves and has a natural disposition for.
He can learn and remember any mathematical formula or expression, he has ever learned,and is also able to apply it to daily life. He also memorized the periodic table of chemicals and elements when he was small, (not sure what its called), He went though his entire calculus class (and every other class) with out taking notes always passed with a good grade. I say a good grade because he never studies, so to me, if he did study he would be able to get higher grades (I was hoping for him to get scholarships for himself, not because I just want him to get better grades)

Max is very logical, like Spock, and he honestly believes he 'Should' be able to understand anything he is taught. He gets frustrated if a teacher or professor 'confuse' him when they teach math, because he see's it in his head the first time. Of course some kids need it explained again, and when the teachers explain it another way, it messes him up. He use to come home crying over this. (We have long debates about it).

So his abilities are not big deal to him but they are personal. As a matter of fact he told me once he feels like a freak around other kids sometimes because he always got A's and always finished first. And He gets angry if I talk to anyone about how smart he is, even my family.

I'm not bragging about Max, I'm trying to explain why it worries me when he says with tears in his eyes yesterday that he just can't do it. Meaning the whole college thing. I tried to tell him to just get through these required classes and than he won't have to take them again no matter which school he goes to. (He wants to transfer to the community college.)
Even if he just gets C's. Than he turned on me saying I should be telling him to get higher grades, not just settle for C's. This is his logical side. Of course I didn't mean that the way he took it. Sometimes I feel like I just can't win.

Max always had this idea that if he doesn't get something the first time than he 'cant' do it. I know that's silly, but he will actually drop a class because of it.

Thanks for any advice.

 

[superman]

I'm with superman on this - he obviously doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, and the pressure of having to decide (NOW!!) is making him cranky. How about letting him take a gap year - work, gain some life experience, and take time to think about what he wants from life.

I find it kinda scary that one is expected to decide at 17/18 years old, what you want to do with the rest of your life. How well can you possibly know yourself at that age? Isn't it a bit unrealistic to expect that?

PS: I don't think he hates you. He's just taking out his frustrations on you, that's all...

agree 100%

 

[singledad]

I think if he takes time off from school he should at least go to therapy to figure out if he's depressed or not. The therapist told him he may be. Than He stopped going all of a sudden. I know he wants to be a police officer now, and I think he may be worried that if he takes depression medicine they won't let him be a cop. ( Which may be correct, I don't know)

If you suspect he may be depressed, I agree, he should go back to therapy. No one should have to go through life with untreated depression.

BTW - even if he is depressed, that does not necessarily mean he has to take antidepressants. Anti-depressants aren't a "cure" for depression - they only help you take that step back that you need in order to think logically about your issues. Sometimes all you need to be able to do that is a little guidance from a therapist, not medication.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

no antidepressants! they turn you into a walking vegetable they can only be taken as an absolutely last resort for very severe issues (like after serving in war and suffering a massive trauma), not for being young and grumpy.

i'll go against the stream here, but i think he should try living on his own. find a job, find a place to live. 19yo is an adult, not a child. living at your parents house as a child at this age -- that creates all the unnecessary tensions and conflicts.

 

[Tiredlol]

When I was a teen i washorribleto my mother..; she kicked me out... and trust me...I kiss the ground she walks on... it was the best thing she could of done... i was a spoilt brat..and learnt how real life is!

 

[NancyM]

I know some people think differently but I don't have a problem with my son living at home, as a matter of fact my family has always lived at home until we married, we're just close that way.

Some of my nephews still live home and are not married. (well into their 20's) My family would never push our children out, we were raised that our parents house is our home as well, and we can always come back.

As for him moving out, it's almost impossible because he goes to college full time, and isn't able to work full time. And even if he did he would only make min wage which I believe is $7.25 an hour since he has no work experience.

I don't know where you live, but on Long Island, you couldn't touch a 1 bedroom apartment for under $1000.00 a month, and that's not including your other bills. Heat, water, cable, auto insurance, food, gas, God forbid cloths...so, it's not really sensible for him to do that, regardless of his age.

If he wants to move out ,than of course that's another story and I would never try to stop him.

Thank you all for your input, I'll take your advice into consideration.

 

[Computerdad]

i'll go against the stream here, but i think he should try living on his own. find a job, find a place to live. 19yo is an adult, not a child. living at your parents house as a child at this age -- that creates all the unnecessary tensions and conflicts.

I agree with this.. I stayed under my parents wing until i went to college,(18) then went back home after college just eighteen months later with a degree and all the ego graduating from a tech school can provide, in retrospect it was no great achievement but there was no telling me that. i stayed with my family until i was half way through being 23, we had alot of transitions and trials but i felt very uncomfortable and i wasnt able to grow until i left, I got my first apartment in febuary of this year at age 24. I share it with my fiance (we're getting married in ...four days ) and her two children. all this is really an effort of saying I am much happier that i've got real control over my life. its not easy, but if it was easy it wouldnt be any fun.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

what about student accomodation and part-time job?
a lot of people believe, that you're not really a student unless you are in another place and away from your hometown and your parents. maybe that's the case?

 

[Venezia]

Hi Nancy - I've been through the teens...three times, and it's not pretty!

OK, firstly, it sounds to me as though Max is a gifted person, so perhaps the issue is one of boredom? I'm not implying that I am in any way gifted but honestly, I still remember when I was at school being utterly bored at times because everything came so easily to me; there was no challenge, so why bother? That's not to say I was lazy, but to be honest, I did very well at school, but if I'd applied myself, I could have done so much better.

Secondly, the Asperger's thing - I really wouldn't worry about it - he's got this far without it being a problem, hasn't he? In the games industry (where I work), most people I come across either have it, or are borderline. I kid you not! When I was teaching, I also knew several teachers with Asperger's, so it really isn't doom and gloom. In fact, the only time I ever saw it become a problem was with a couple of pupils whose parents were really struggling to get help with it (just don't get me started on the procedure for getting help over here).

If he really does have Asperger's, the last thing he needs is to be out of his comfort zone, and change can make him feel completely out of his depth. I've seen children have a turn just because a book had been moved, or the tables rearranged in the classroom. Familiarity is comforting after all.

Have you read this article? It's quite interesting.

TBH, I'm not sure I actually have much of value to offer here, because what worked for mine might not work for yours and what didn't work (almost everything!) could be the ideal solution for you. I will say though, that in general, most of them really do grow out of it. It doesn't make your lives any easier at the moment but it's some kind of light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Perhaps the key thing is to just relax and not give him cause to think you're 'getting at him'. Not saying you do but honestly, even looking at them is enough to make them paranoid sometimes!

In your shoes, I'd lay off the whole career path thing - I agree with Singledad... most people aren't capable of deciding what they want to do with their life at such a young age, and logically, how on earth can they be expected to when they don't have the kind of life experience which would enable them to make that kind of call? He may behave like Spock at times, but unless I'm much mistaken, he's not actually a Vulcan (and Spock is only half-Vulcan after all)! Hey, maybe he's going through the Pon Farr!

/geek

I think also, that by going on about it, the actual message they get is, "I don't think you're capable of running your life or making a sensible decision about what you want to do". I'm sure we've all taken things the wrong way when we're feeling fragile, and if Max is feeling fragile, and possibly vulnerable, what he needs right now is understanding, not nagging. I'm not suggesting you nag him, by the way, more that your concerns are likely to be perceived that way.

I gave him the usual story that he has to get some kind of degree if he wants to make something of his life

That suggests you see his life as nothing! Make a guy feel worthless eh?! LOL! Teen = broken universal translater!

He claims that he hates college,

Teenagers hate everything. <I>Really </I>hate everything. Until they love something...and then they absolutely LOVE it...it's like the BEST thing in the entire world! Heheh! Teens are nothing if not extreme!

What ever I suggest he mocks me.

Of course he does - you're his mum, and he can say what he likes to you with no fear of losing you. Possibly you're the only person he can be like this with. Sucks, doesn't it? Did I mention that teens are a bit odd?!

Says I don't know anything about this stuff!! lol. I don't know what to say to him anymore.

Maybe he's right - maybe you don't know. Just because you're his mum, doesn't mean you know what's inside his head, or how he feels. And unless he chooses to tell you, it's unlikely he'll ever think you understand him. And even if he does open up, it's unlikely he'll ever think you understand him!

Let's face it, you were never a teenager, were you? So you couldn't possibly understand what it's like! Mine used to tell me that all the time, and finish it with, "You're so boring"...to which I'd reply that actually, if I was, it was entirely their fault because cleaning up after them was such a drudge! On reflection, that might not have been the best thing to say!

It's like since he turned 18 he's another person.

He has! He's finding his way in the world, trying to work out how he fits into things and realising that what lies ahead is scary. Honestly, I think it's far harder these days to be a teen/young adult than it's ever been. There is so much pressure (yeah I know we're all under pressure) but really, how would you feel if people kept telling you if you don't do this and that, you'll fail? It's so negative. I'm pretty sure I'd take umbridge especially as I'd <I>know</I> I knew better than they did....and even if I didn't I wouldn't admit it. Oh no!

In a nutshell, if there's one bit of advice I would offer, it would be to chill out, take things one day at a time, let him know you love him (I'm sure you do that already), and above all, remember that most people turn out OK. I know we as parents want 'the best' for our offspring but what we think of as the best, might not be their idea. At the end of the day, I think the most important thing is to be happy, so if they find that happiness by being a rocket scientist, or on the checkout, is that so bad? I really believe it's not for us to tell them how to run their lives.

I really do feel for you both, and am sending lots of e-hugs - reckon you might need them!

 

[NancyM]

Thank you Venezia, good advice.