Hi all, I'm completely new here and couldn't figure out where to put my question. It isn't so much about the kids as much as parenting styles in conflict. So, here goes...
I am 36 and have three children. I have an almost 17-year-old daughter, and two boys, 12 and 9 from my previous marriage. My current situation is new; my husband and I didn't officially move in together until Labor Day weekend. He is 44 and never had any kids of his own.
My spouse's style tends to be authoritative. He is good about structure and rules, so much better than I am. It is something I really like about him. I know that children, no matter how much they protest at the time, actually like structure because it makes them feel loved...as long as it is not in excess. He's also taken on the after-school homework part of the parenting "chore."
My parenting style is more on the lenient side. My kids know full well who is in control, and they are good kids but I allow a lot of play, a lot of wiggle room. We talk, we cuddle. Sometimes they do their own thing, sometimes I do mine...and if they need me, they know where to find me. But I'm not big on structure. I'm an adult and I still forget to look at the clock so I can't blame my kids for not paying attention to the time!
If I give them something to do, I usually give them a day to do it, not a certain time.
In all honesty, I have spent most of my adult life as a single parent. Trust me, I'm delighted that he takes an active role in my children's lives. He's the first one to do so. (My boys love finally having a Daddy in the house. My daughter is still resistant but she's a teen. She'll come around eventually.) My ex husband was more like another child. He played with them but didn't know how to take charge of anything...and I'm not just saying that to be mean. We're still friends.
I tell my man he's a good daddy. And I think together, we are a good pair, that it's a good combination of strengths that balance out.
Now, on to why I am here...My husband works an early shift so he goes to bed before all of us. The boys have a 9:00 bedtime. All 4 of us, my daughter included, were sitting around the livingroom watching an hour show last night, giggling, having fun, and before I realized it, it was after 9:30. I noticed the time, said, "Oh no, it's past bedtime, guys!" and my older boy said, "Mom, can we watch the last 20 minutes of the show we've been watching?" I didn't see the harm in it, so I said okay. At 10, just as the boys were tucking themselves in, and the dog that sleeps with them, my husband gets up to go to the bathroom. Next thing you know, he's ticked. I have no clue what's wrong. As he was going back into the bedroom, I asked "Is there a problem?" but he just kept going. Perhaps he didn't hear me.
About 15 minutes later, the door opens. Our bedroom door is off the livingroom. Again I asked if there was a problem. He says to me, "Yes, I can't sleep...'cause I'm wondering something." I said, "Okay." Then, I got up and went in to talk to him.
I'm sure you all can see what is coming, though I was a bit blindsided by it. He was mad at me for letting the kids stay up after bedtime. He said, "Why do we make rules if they don't have to be in force when I am in bed? What does it say to them if the rules don't have to be followed?" I'm thinking, "What's the problem with staying up an hour after bedtime once in a while?" But I didn't say anything...I just let him vent. I didn't want to have a full blown argument when he had to be up in less than 5 hours for work.
Now, I was raised by hippies (yes, really) and he was raised in a more conservative household, his dad is a doctor. But I'm the experienced parent. And I think that is what is frustrating me; I should know what to say but I don't. How do I get him to mellow out a little without crushing him? He's trying so hard, too hard, but at the same time, he not respecting me. We are different but that doesn't make either of us wrong.
Any suggestions, please?
'Bella
I am 36 and have three children. I have an almost 17-year-old daughter, and two boys, 12 and 9 from my previous marriage. My current situation is new; my husband and I didn't officially move in together until Labor Day weekend. He is 44 and never had any kids of his own.
My spouse's style tends to be authoritative. He is good about structure and rules, so much better than I am. It is something I really like about him. I know that children, no matter how much they protest at the time, actually like structure because it makes them feel loved...as long as it is not in excess. He's also taken on the after-school homework part of the parenting "chore."
My parenting style is more on the lenient side. My kids know full well who is in control, and they are good kids but I allow a lot of play, a lot of wiggle room. We talk, we cuddle. Sometimes they do their own thing, sometimes I do mine...and if they need me, they know where to find me. But I'm not big on structure. I'm an adult and I still forget to look at the clock so I can't blame my kids for not paying attention to the time!
If I give them something to do, I usually give them a day to do it, not a certain time. In all honesty, I have spent most of my adult life as a single parent. Trust me, I'm delighted that he takes an active role in my children's lives. He's the first one to do so. (My boys love finally having a Daddy in the house. My daughter is still resistant but she's a teen. She'll come around eventually.) My ex husband was more like another child. He played with them but didn't know how to take charge of anything...and I'm not just saying that to be mean. We're still friends.
I tell my man he's a good daddy. And I think together, we are a good pair, that it's a good combination of strengths that balance out.
Now, on to why I am here...My husband works an early shift so he goes to bed before all of us. The boys have a 9:00 bedtime. All 4 of us, my daughter included, were sitting around the livingroom watching an hour show last night, giggling, having fun, and before I realized it, it was after 9:30. I noticed the time, said, "Oh no, it's past bedtime, guys!" and my older boy said, "Mom, can we watch the last 20 minutes of the show we've been watching?" I didn't see the harm in it, so I said okay. At 10, just as the boys were tucking themselves in, and the dog that sleeps with them, my husband gets up to go to the bathroom. Next thing you know, he's ticked. I have no clue what's wrong. As he was going back into the bedroom, I asked "Is there a problem?" but he just kept going. Perhaps he didn't hear me.
About 15 minutes later, the door opens. Our bedroom door is off the livingroom. Again I asked if there was a problem. He says to me, "Yes, I can't sleep...'cause I'm wondering something." I said, "Okay." Then, I got up and went in to talk to him.
I'm sure you all can see what is coming, though I was a bit blindsided by it. He was mad at me for letting the kids stay up after bedtime. He said, "Why do we make rules if they don't have to be in force when I am in bed? What does it say to them if the rules don't have to be followed?" I'm thinking, "What's the problem with staying up an hour after bedtime once in a while?" But I didn't say anything...I just let him vent. I didn't want to have a full blown argument when he had to be up in less than 5 hours for work.
Now, I was raised by hippies (yes, really) and he was raised in a more conservative household, his dad is a doctor. But I'm the experienced parent. And I think that is what is frustrating me; I should know what to say but I don't. How do I get him to mellow out a little without crushing him? He's trying so hard, too hard, but at the same time, he not respecting me. We are different but that doesn't make either of us wrong.
Any suggestions, please?
'Bella
