cybele said:
Thinking about it, if anything he probably gains the most attention in some ways, maybe due to the age gap? He pretty much has 5 adults/near adults in the house who care for him, but then that could even be part of the problem in some ways.
Yes, the dynamic here may be more complex than simply a question of too much or not enough attention. At 5 years old, it is quite certain that he wants to emulate others, wants to feel like he is doing the same kind of things that the big people do, want to feel equal to them.
cybele said:
the first incident was the drain pipe one, which happened the day after he got out of bed late at night for some water and a few of us were watching Angry Boys in the lounge and were cracking up laughing at one of the characters getting his arm stuck in the drain pipe. Next day, arm up a drain pipe.
The pipe incident shows a direct link between the family laughing and him trying to do it right there the day after.
Which is not necessarily a sign he wants people to laugh - but it does seem like a craving for attention. So since you are saying he does get a lot of attention, perhaps the next step is to look at what <I>
kind of</I> attention he gets.
If we go back to the (revised) maslow's pyramid of needs (see attached image), and we rule out the physiological level (Enough sleep? food? etc) and the safety needs (he seems secure and safe), the next level is the need for belonging: a needs to feel accepted, to belong, to affiliate with others. The esteem needs, at the above level, is also significant: a need to gain approval and recognition. So there is a possible investigation to do on these areas.
cybele said:
Any issues that are really noteworthy occurred either before he was born, or when he was an infant, any lingering issues he is pretty heavily sheltered from.
I don't mean to pry on private stuff, just don't rule it out totally yet. Children can be impacted very young by the events around them, even if they were too young to consciously remember them. But from your description so far, I agree that it seems unlikely.
cybele said:
Which is why I'm a little stumped at all the getting stuck stuff, his norm is to go off exploring without a hitch, getting stuck in some of the strangest places is not normal for him, there's usually a little more thought into how to maximise exploring time going on.
Any growth spurt recently? Not getting stuck while you do all sort of acrobatic stuff requires fine motor skills, agility and balance. But sudden growth spurts can mean the brain needs to re-adapt to a new size, which means you may not fully evaluate the environment relative to self.
Has it only happened recently?
Another question only you can answer, but that can really help understanding what's going on here, is to look for <I>
what changed?
</I>If something significant changed in his environment, chances are the changes in behavior may be related. For every behavior there is a need, and a root cause.
cybele said:
This is actually the kind of stuff I am looking for, I'm not sure what my expectations should be in regards to getting him to control himself as this is pretty new ground for me.
If it is in his nature to be advanturous and risk taking, the key here will be to help him acquire self-discipline and self-regulation. Which can never be taught from blindly following rules. Instead, it requires you to act as a thinking-aid to help him process experiences. You can use story telling, and active listening, to help him reflect <I>
with you</I>, after-the-fact. By doing this regularly after each event, you insure he makes the proper connections in his brain and actually learns more from each experience. (google 'scaffolding' to read more about this concept in education).
However:
cybele said:
That is pretty much him and how he has always been, he has always been extroverted, it's not just the attention seeking kind of stuff, it's just general exploring, he's always been the kid who is up a tree, over the fence, under a building, making 10 new friends anywhere we go.
all of the above reflections are under the assumption that he is living some lack in one of his fundamental needs and that he is behaving accordingly. However, it's also possible that he really is acting "normally" for his temperament and personality. If that's the case, then perhaps there is nothing "wrong", per say, to find here. He might just be himself - and getting older, so getting in worst situations as he can do more things.
In that case, you can look at the other half of the issue: when he has no problem with a situation but the situation is problematic <I>
for you</I>, then it may be that <I>
your need</I> is not met. You also have needs: a need to feel that he is safe, that he can be trusted with school, that you are not called by the school authorities every day, etc.
It's very difficult to get children to change their ways (especially when it's part of their personality!) with behavioral control and threats, or when we give them reasons such as "you will hurt yourself!". Why? Because in their mind, they are not going to get hurt, they cannot see it, so they cannot relate to it. "You" messages are ineffective that way.
What works a LOT better is to use an "I" message. What's the concrete impact his behavior has <I>
on you?</I> if you can voice that in an authentic way, you will trigger the attachment response and your child will <I>
want</I> to be more careful <I>
for you</I>. This of course only works if he has the ability to do it - like I said earlier, the brain area responsible for impulse control is very immature at that age, and your best bet is still to educate by going over each event using active listening to help him process it.
Sorry for the length, there are many different areas of investigation to look at and they are all inter-related, so it's hard to help in that case with an easy fix.
cybele said:
Good luck with your paper.
Thanks! It's a pain in the a...
but it's advancing!
View attachment Maslowhierarchyofneeds.jpg
