Parent/Stepparent conflict...

[WestCoaster]

Although this is not about my own child it is regarding people very close to my heart.

My partner comes from a split family household in which his stepfather has been an active participant since the boys were 7yrs and 9yrs (they are 20 and 23 now). Their biological dad is very part-time and unreliable as far as parenting goes and only crops up to contradict their stepdad and mom. For years their mom has tried to remedy this by patching together a better relationship between the three parents.

So the situation is this- my partners brother (the 20yr old) refuses to acknowledge his stepdad as a parent and thinks his biological dad is God. This leads him to mimicking his behaviour which has led to being hurtful, uncaring, arrogant, and with a string of substance abuse problems (alcohol and cocaine). He neglects to take into account anything his stepdad says and creates stories about him. My partner is the complete opposite path in which he understands how hurtful and neglectful his biological dad has been over the years and both values and loves his stepdad and mom.

Does anyone have any experience with this either from a parenting perspective or as a stepchild?

 

[TabascoNatalie]

no experience here, but where does that 20yo live? if he's on his own, maybe parents should leave him alone? at least for a while? if he's still at home, maybe they should pack the luggage for him?

 

[WestCoaster]

He lives with a number of friends but one of them called my mother-in-law the other day and told her he was concerned about him because all of them were moving out back in with their parents which left him homeless and broke. He has never mentioned this to any of us.

 

[singledad]

I don't have any experience as a step parent or step child, but I had a difficult childhood myself, and, well... "<I>hurtful, uncaring, arrogant, and with a string of substance abuse problems</I>" pretty much describes me when I was his age.

Your partner's brother is 20 - he should be held responsible for his own life. If all his house-mates are moving out, it is up to him to figure out what he wants to do, and how he wants to do it. If he ends up homeless and broke, well, then maybe that's where he needs to be. I know this sounds cruel, but you cannot coddle a grown man who is acting like a child. He needs to grow up and learn to take responsibility, and if he has to do it the hard way, well, then so be it. I know its not that easy to just leave someone you care about to fend for himself, but there is a very thin line between taking care of someone with a substance abuse problem, and enabling an addict.

From your description I see a young man who has possibly never made peace with the fact that his parents divorced, and who has never been able to let go of his dad - that must be very hard for him. Unfortunately he isn't 13, and therefor no one has the right to make him change his lifestyle, or force him into therapy.

AA teaches a concept they call "detach, with love". It means that you don't abandon him, but you accept that you have no power to fix him. So when he becomes hurtful, you walk away. When he tells lies about his step-dad, you simply refuse to believe, or even acknowledge them. When he drinks too much or uses cocaine, you walk away, and let him deal with the consequences, at least until he asks for help. If he is about to become homeless and fails to mention it... well, short of taking him in, there isn't much you can do - its his problem. And ofcourse, if you take him in, you get to set some rules, and if he refuses to keep them, he can move out again.

What can you do? You can love him - make sure he knows that he is welcome in your house (as long as he is sober and doesn't behave like a jerk) and that if he wants help (with his emotional/substance abuse problems, not financial), he can come to you. Then, take care of yourself and your partner and your relationship. The two of you need to be strong so that if he ever comes to you for help, you will be able to be there for him. If you are strung out and exhausted from worrying about him, you won't have the emotional resources to be there for him when he needs you.

I'm sorry, I know this isn't exactly a tick list it things to do to fix the situation, but unfortunately there is no tick list.

Good luck.

 

[NinJaBob]

My dad left us when I was not quite a year old. My father was a heavy drinker and a womanizer up until the day that he died. Everyone that I know hated him. My stepfather was and still is an alcoholic and a terrible father not only to me but also to his own kids.

Anyway my father would occasionally pop up and decide he wanted to be a dad for a couple of weeks then disappear for awhile. On the occasion that he would reappear I dropped everything because I was so desperate to have a father that it was better than nothing. When he was around he was great and I would go on for weeks about how cool he was but then he would be gone and it would wear off. He wasn't at any of my events. He didn't pay child support. He rarely saw me but I didn't know what it was like to reall have a father so I was so in need of someone that I was willing to put with it and even though everyone told me that he was worthless I couldn't hate him. He was my dad.

Then when I was an adult I basically wrote him out of my life. I didn't see him for years. I did invite him to my wedding as a gesture butI hoped that he wouldn't come. He didn't. Then one day out of the blue he showed up and said that he had cancer and that he had 6 months to live. I saw him maybe 1 or 2 times after that. Then he got really bad and my brother and I went to him and stayed with him around the clock until he died.

I tell you this because I believe that even if a parent is a waste of space they are still a part of you. I could never really write him out. Even when I didn't see him I thought about him. I even cried at his funeral. I made the mistake of not even accepting the little that he was willing to give. You can learn someting from even a bad parent. If you write people out of your life even if they deserve it you will eventually regret it. I can never get back all those years that I ignored my father.

 

[Xero]

I'm not trying to be unhelpful, but I think its kind of his brother's own problem. He's an adult, and really there's not much you guys can do about it. He'll figure out his own life. I'd say if you don't like being around him, just don't hang out with him. I'm sure he'll come around eventually.

 

[Jeremy+3]

He is twenty, if he would rather be lazy and end up with nowhere to live, then so be it, an adult needs to act like one.

 

[qolbraf1]

that too bad, but your parnert must get rid of this problem
see your psychologist

 

[WestCoaster]

Okay, I am so glad we are all on the same page here. I think it's crap that their mom is trying to hold his hand through this. I might be a little biased considering by the time I was 20 I had very successfully been a parent for two years, was a full-time student, and had a job. Selfish to say, I know.

People have been through much worse than a parents divorce and have turned out to be truly fantastic people!

 

[Tracyt90]

My dad never had time for me between prison and drugs. And during my early child hood I was raised soley by my mom. And at around 9 years old my step-dad came into the family picture. And as far as I'm concerned, hes my dad, and hes my childrens grandpa. Even though hes not my real dad, he treated me like i was his son. He took care of me, taught me how to fish, how to cook, how to shoot a gun, how to work. He taught me everything my father wasn't there to do. He took on the role. And I have seen in many cases such as mine, where the step=dad takes on the role of dad, and the child takes to that man and could care less about there biological father. And I have also seen cases where the step-dad did not take on the dad role and were mean to the children, or uncaring, and that in turn makes the child resent the step-dad and regardless of how little the the biological father has been around, he is put up on a pedastool.

 

[WestCoaster]

I'm very happy you shared this with me. It certainly puts things into perspective. I really wish my brother-in-law could read this first hand and learn to understand what he had in his life.

My dad never had time for me between prison and drugs. And during my early child hood I was raised soley by my mom. And at around 9 years old my step-dad came into the family picture. And as far as I'm concerned, hes my dad, and hes my childrens grandpa. Even though hes not my real dad, he treated me like i was his son. He took care of me, taught me how to fish, how to cook, how to shoot a gun, how to work. He taught me everything my father wasn't there to do. He took on the role. And I have seen in many cases such as mine, where the step=dad takes on the role of dad, and the child takes to that man and could care less about there biological father. And I have also seen cases where the step-dad did not take on the dad role and were mean to the children, or uncaring, and that in turn makes the child resent the step-dad and regardless of how little the the biological father has been around, he is put up on a pedastool.

 

[kashishverma]

wow very interesting you can visit the cradle bangalore maternity hospital

 

[NancyM]

Hi Westcoaster

It's so hard to watch people we care about hurt themselves. I have a few in my family as well. It's so easy to say bud out and let them find their own way, especially when they keep forcing us into their lives weather we like it or not, they're always in our faces.

The truth is that only they can ask for help. We can never do it for them.
Unfortunately this brother 20, will find out just how unreliable his bio dad is when this brother goes to dad for help.

I believe we all have burdens to bear, and the true test is in the way we carry it. Some people can just lift it,drop it and shake it off, some people have to drag it around with them forever.

He has to grow up yet, and thank God he is only 20 and still has a chance at a normal life once he hits bottom.

I feel for you and your partner because it sucks sitting back and having to watch. But as long as you both can love and let brother 20 know your there for him, hopefully he will find his way a lot sooner.

Good luck

 

[FirstDaddy]

I lived at home until I was 29, no big deal.

 

[Ultraman]

Having been a stepchild and now a stepfather I can tell you that there will always be resentment which prevents a "normal" parent-child relationship. Thinking otherwise is denial. Stepkids dont have respect for their step parents which leads to adversarial and hostile situations. All you can do is compromise and try to keep things on an even keel, regardless of the child's age. When kids becime adults they are responsible for their own actions. Parents who continue to make excuses for them are guilty of irresponsible parenting, and are acting out of their own guilt and lack of self esteem.

 

[collegestudent]

Hi parents! I'm currently a student at Boston University and need your help! My team is currently developing a new product aimed at children ages 6-10 about oral hygiene and it would help so much if you can take the survey!

Survey | Qualtrics Survey Software

 

[gduffey83]

I am sharing a similar experience, I am 27 engaged and currently living with my fiance and her 6 year old son. Which I now consider my son. The childs father is a pretty lame excuse for a man if you ask me (im male btw) the child was born when they were very young and the father decided he'd rather party and be with young girls... I came into this picture when the child was barley 5. And have been taking care of this child as my own everyday. The excuse we always hear is "im so stressed out, and I'm working so much..." which would explain his 5k debt to my fiance... (sarcasm) any way the guys mom will show up in his place once every blue moon when ever the guy has a short awakening moment only to stur up my families lives.. I can't stand it. When the boy comes home he sleepwalks and makes noticeable bad choices in play and school. And the kids family does nothing but try and excuse his fathers behavior buy saying he's once again.. "so stressed out" I'm stressed out! Come to think of it, who aint stressed out?? I try and not let this guy get under my skin bc trust me he's no threat.. But his choices are constant reminders that I have this lil thorn in my ***.. Selfishly I wish the guy would completly disappear bc it wouldn't be much different than it already is. Anywho, just needed to vent for a min.

 

[superrod2010]

We can't force others to change their behavior but can always show respect and love ourselves. I've been on both sides with a step parent and been a step parent and the only thing that can be done is for you to do your part to show respect for others while standing for what you know to be right. Showing love does not mean allowing one person to treat others poorly. We all have a responsibility to act properly and sometimes we need to stand for what is right without being hurtful ourselves.

 

[helpwithkipper]

i am the step dad of a 32 year old kipper, boomerang ... man/child.. has a degree and ready to go for another because school is easier than working at{{{anything}}}}.. he can weep at the drop of a hat and mom responds with just stay longer.. he was in the army and was released do to inability to past p.t test..again to much work.. he has no relationships..with anyone but his mom.... he hangs out in the kitchen waiting for meals to be prepared for him... plays farmville and this is very important to his day... he feeds the dogs.. that's it.. how in the name of god do i deal with this..???? he needs counseling.. if he gets near or is forced to talk to women he runs with high anxiety ..... help please...

 

[superrod2010]

i am the step dad of a 32 year old kipper, boomerang ... man/child.. has a degree and ready to go for another because school is easier than working at{{{anything}}}}.. he can weep at the drop of a hat and mom responds with just stay longer.. he was in the army and was released do to inability to past p.t test..again to much work.. he has no relationships..with anyone but his mom.... he hangs out in the kitchen waiting for meals to be prepared for him... plays farmville and this is very important to his day... he feeds the dogs.. that's it.. how in the name of god do i deal with this..???? he needs counseling.. if he gets near or is forced to talk to women he runs with high anxiety ..... help please...

Wow! 32 and still a baby. That's showing a lot of coddling from moma. I think it is not just the son who needs to make a change here. Yes he needs some counseling but so does his mother. Take it slow and feel her out to find out how much she is willing to accept but this is something that needs to be discussed. I think the best thing is to cut the strings completely. Time for parenting and raising is over. He is an adult. Let him be an adult. The decisions he makes are his. Coddling him will not help the situation. If he cries, then let him and tell him he is a big boy and he can deal with it however he wants but it is his responsibility to do so. It is not easy and will not be easy for her after years of treating him like a child but it is what needs to happen. It's what should have happened many years ago.