Powerless Parents...

[musicmom]

The only way I would take my child to a therapist is if I honestly did not know how to handle the situtation. Such as.....I did not grow up in a home with alcoholism, so when I married an alcoholic I had to find knowledge and educate myself and my children. I went to a professional to seek out this information.
I am the "seeing is believing" type of parent. Just because someone tells me something I do not believe it, I must come as close to proof as I can.
No one has authority over my children but me and I will let go of that once they can make reasonable choices for themselves.

 

[Olson]

Thank you. Parenting is also my life. However, I'm also intersted in rock climbing and snowshoeing. I have no interest in uploading a picture, but I will, if only to prove I am not the same person as KRan7, lol. I did not mean for this to become a debate on identity.

I am, however, still interested in other's thoughts on how to use professionals.

 

[musicmom]

Do you two have children?

 

[fallon]

Thank you. Parenting is also my life. However, I'm also intersted in rock climbing and snowshoeing. I have no interest in uploading a picture, but I will, if only to prove I am not the same person as KRan7, lol. I did not mean for this to become a debate on identity.

I am, however, still interested in other's thoughts on how to use professionals.

that's not needed...and really what would prove...honestly like I said all I doing is protecting the site.

 

[fallon]

now back to your regularly schedualed debate

 

[KRan7]

I have 5 children. The oldest will turn 12 this year and the youngest is about 7 months old. I've been married for just about 14 years. I'm from a family of 12 kids (I'm 7th oldest, hence the 7 in KRan7) and my wife is from a family of 10. So, you could imagine, parenting and family life is a passion of mine.

The reason I bring up the question about parents being powerless is because I always hear people telling people to go to the therapist to "fix" their kids. It makes me crazy. What professionals should be doing is teaching parents how to handle difficult situations.

 

[fallon]

I totally agree with you

 

[musicmom]

I think if it's substance abuse or maybe helping a teen with grieving. There are a few things that no one can understand unless you've been there. So a professional should be asked to step in as a third party. I don't think there is anything wrong with an unbiases opinion.

 

[KRan7]

I would agree that a third party could be helpful, but look at Cashflowjoe (the thread in the parenting debate), here is a kid who has no intention of giving up marijuana, what would the benefit be of sending him to a therapist to talk about his drug use? Again, I don't want to say that therapists/counselors are never helpful becuase I believe they are, but when a kid doesn't want to go, I believe it doesn't end well.
In the meantime, what are parents tought about how to handle a kid with a substance abuse problem? Ground him until he is smart enough to do what they say?

 

[fallon]

I agree with kids making it hard when they don't want to be there. After my dad went to prison my parents forced me into councling and it was a total waste of money for them...and then when I was 14 I was raped and again they forced me to go. I said nothing ever so again they wasted their money and everybody's time. I hated them for putting me through all of that

 

[KRan7]

For some it can be helpful, but parents act out of fear and not knowing what to do and so it's off to a counselor. Who is looking out for us as parents? In the mean time, I would guess your parents (Fallon) could have benefited from a few skills and some ideas on how to support you.

 

[fallon]

For some it can be helpful, but parents act out of fear and not knowing what to do and so it's off to a counselor. Who is looking out for us as parents? In the mean time, I would guess your parents (Fallon) could have benefited from a few skills and some ideas on how to support you.

exactly...and from them not having those skills I figured out how much I would need them when I became a parent...there is always a time when help is needed (third party help)...but unless everyone is on board nothing can be solved. I think as parents we need to look out for ourselves and educate ourselves on things that matter to our family. If something comes up I think it is better for everyone to look for help inside their family before seeking out strangers.

That said there are plenty of children out there who benefit greatly from doctors so I fully believe that resource is needed, just not as a crutch

 

[musicmom]

The fact of life is you can not make anyone do anything that they do not want to.
Three C's....you did not cause it, you can not control it and you can not cure it.

 

[fallon]

I like that

 

[Chris Abraham]

I think the issue is more that power is being given away, not taken away. I view doctors and therapists more as advisors. They have opinions and we can accept those opinions or seek out different opinions.

I was talking to a mother last week who was very upset because her doctor was "making her" give her son ADHD meds. Wow. That is some power we are giving over.

What I see more and more is parents accepting doctor opinions as gospel truth. They often feel overwhelmed, not so much from the condition, but from feeling as if they do not have any control over their circumstances and situations.

Just my two cents...

 

[KRan7]

I like that. It makes sense that they (doctors and therapists) are advisors. They have good information that can be helpful in empowering parents, but parents do give that away. They drop their teens off to therapy appointments instead of join them and learn their part in the problem and the solution.
There does seem to be a message out there and even on this parenting forum at times that suggests that problems are out of parents control, especially the big ones like abuse, and ADD.
When parents overcome that cultural message they realize that they influence their children more than anyone and those others are there to support them in the change.
It makes me nervous to see the subtle slide from parent power to therapist power (wilderness camps, RTC, boarding schools).

 

[aliinnc]

Chris,

What I see more and more is parents accepting doctor opinions as gospel truth

It's interesting that you see this because I see it as much less so than when I was young. But maybe that is only due to my advanced years.

I think parents are more responsible now for monitoring what doctors are doing.

I'm also primary caregiver for my elderly parents. My dad was scheduled for a total hip replacement. I was researching recovery info since I knew I'd be taking care of him.

I found mention online of the new version of the total hip, which has much shorter recovery. I called Dad who called Doc. Doc says, "Oh you'd be perfect for this operation. I'll change the schedule for the new surgery."

So why didn't doc recommend it in first place? Could it be because the doctor and hospital make less money...?