reading your teenagers text messages...

[lodestone123]

I wondered if anyone feels that they should read their teenagers (15-18 let's say) phone messages? If yes - is it at any time? If no - does that mean if you feel there is something really bad going on that your teen won't tell you, you still won't look?
I understand the trust aspect and personally I really don't want to see what my kids are saying to their friends but...I think if I am worried or have "a reasonable suspicion" that something bad is going on - it is my right as a parent to protect my child using any and all methods. Again - I do not look through my daugthers private things but have, when compelled, read her phone.
Let's face it, teens don't know what is good for them yet and may be wandering into dangerous territory - to ignore a key piece of information that may help them now (even though they might be really annoyed with you) seems almost "head in the sandish". Just my thoughts.

 

[mom2many]

I have only snooped once, I had a suspicion...was right and corrected it. That is the only time I will look, ok not the only time sometimes I get bored and their phone is right there. Doesn't help the boredom though cause their conversations suck LOL

 

[lodestone123]

How funny mom2many - you are right - the messages are not great reading...time to get my teeth scraped instead

 

[jessicams]

My parents never read mine but that's because I bought and paid for my own cell phone and paid the bill. It was mine and they had no right to and respected that.
As for what will I do, I'll won't read theirs unless I suspect something bad.

 

[Squishy]

I think the real issue is what you're prepared to do IF you find something objectionable.

There's always that risk that you will, and then, if you haven't thought it thru before hand, then you're left with the parental conundrum: Wanting, yet practically, not being able to.

If you're not prepared to confront whatever you find, either because the trust issue becomes so overwhelming and distracting, or you're not the type to be able to fend off such a defensive response, then it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

If you have issues of trusting your kid's judgement, it's best to address that directly and ASAP, and not do something underhanded like snoop.

 

[cjhays]

My opinion is such that if the parent is paying for the phone, they have a right to look at the text messages. If they are not, other than "you live in my house " is hard to stand on. Other than the fact you are trying to protect your child. I myself pay for the phone and at anytime I want to look at the messages I am able to or there is no need to have a phone. Thats my two cents. Other opinions appreciated.

 

[IADad]

I don't see where paying for the phone is the real issue. You're the parent and still responsible (and BTW, at least in the US I don't think anyone under 18 can enter a legal cotract, but that's a bit beside the point.)

Yeah, you have the right to snoop, but the issues are a couple fold, what do you suspect and as squicshy said, what do you do when you find what you're suspicious of.

If you have suspicions, and they're serious, then I think you have a responsibility to snoop and figure out what you're going to do for the consequences. I don't think you can anymore ignore something bad going on out of ignorance. If your teen daughter was dating a 45yo man would it be okay as long as you didn't see her get into his car? KWIM? So, I think I agree with your stance, you do what you need to do to do your job as a parent, which doesn't mean you need to be preoccupied with reviewing everything the do say or write.

 

[jessicams]

I don't see where paying for the phone is the real issue. You're the parent and still responsible (and BTW, at least in the US I don't think anyone under 18 can enter a legal cotract, but that's a bit beside the point.)

There are many companies that are pay-as-you-go with no contract required that anyone, regardless of age, can use.

 

[IADad]

There are many companies that are pay-as-you-go with no contract required that anyone, regardless of age, can use.

yeah, okay I get that, I still don't think that's the issue. If my kid was buying a hunting knife I think I'd want to know about it and would monitor it's use, or to use an even more benign example, it's perfectly lagel for them to buy diet coke, but if he suddenly bout 25 cases of it I don't think my response would be "oh well, I guess it's legal....)

 

[lodestone123]

I agree IADad - just because a teen has paid for something does not hold any weight for me - my daughter's safety and my responsibility as a parent are most important. If I feel worried and the only avenue I feel I have is to find out what is going on so that I can protect her - that has to be the most important factor. I do feel though that as a rule - it is important to give them privacy in their rooms and in their lives - teens need to keep their thoughts and private feelings private. I don't feel good that I read my daughter's text messages - do I wish I hadn't? Yes I do as I now have to deal with it as you have said Squishy - but better the devil you know...

 

[Squishy]

my daughter's safety and my responsibility as a parent are most important. If I feel worried and the only avenue I feel I have is to find out what is going on so that I can protect her - that has to be the most important factor.

Careful here not to use this as justification for casual intrusion....that's frankly more destructive than the oft-fairly tale of "Protection". If you have serious questions about your child's judgment, it's better to address those directly, rather than snoop to get the skinny and then use that as an after the fact rationalization for doing so. Your credibility is at stake at that point when the discussion gets heated for your having 'snooped'. What you want is to be able to successfully wrestle with that devil, not give it more power.

 

[lodestone123]

Noted Squishy - sometimes the temptation is overwhelming when you know they are just not telling you what is going on in their lives and easy to fall into the sneaky snoop trap - I will try to keep my nose to myself!

 

[singledad]

I don't have teenagers yet, but here's what I think I would do. I would make her sit down, and put her phone on the table between you (so she can't erase anything). Then I would confront her with my suspicions. If she admits anything (unlikely, I know) or is able to reassure me, I would give her the phone back without looking. If she just denies any wrongdoing or gives weak excuses, I would tell her well, if you are innocent, you have nothing to hide, and thus wouldn't object if I checked your phone. (Giving her another chance to admit what she did). If she still denies any wrongdoing, I would check the phone in front of her. Thus, she wouldn't be able to accuse me of snooping, and would get the info I need.

 

[grieving]

That's a tough one, time and time again I have read about young people getting into trouble with people they have met online. If you catch it before anything bad happens, then good! I have read my sons phone when I was worried about him. I discovered a side to my son that he kept well-hidden from me ( partying and drug use). This gave me the opportunity to express my concern and talk to him about it. My daughter, on the other hand, has not given me reason to read her texts -yet.

 

[jessicams]

I don't have teenagers yet, but here's what I think I would do. I would make her sit down, and put her phone on the table between you (so she can't erase anything). Then I would confront her with my suspicions. If she admits anything (unlikely, I know) or is able to reassure me, I would give her the phone back without looking. If she just denies any wrongdoing or gives weak excuses, I would tell her well, if you are innocent, you have nothing to hide, and thus wouldn't object if I checked your phone. (Giving her another chance to admit what she did). If she still denies any wrongdoing, I would check the phone in front of her. Thus, she wouldn't be able to accuse me of snooping, and would get the info I need.

oh I like that idea. I'm definitely remembering that.

 

[NancyM]

I have snooped I admit because I suspected something,and was right. I don't snoop right now, but am tempted sometimes, lol.

The problem with snooping is that you will probably find "SOMETHING' you don't approve of, so be prepared for that, but try to stay focused on what your objective is. Don't freak out over everything you see.

 

[mameredith]

I wouldn't do it all the time but I'm sure I'll do it occasionally. Children just don't always make the best decisions. Privacy is nice and all but children don't enjoy the same level of privacy as adults in our constitution so it's a matter of preference really. I know I'll feel sneaky but I'd rather feel sneaky than not know my kids are into something dangerous. Good luck with your decision!!!! It's a toughie for sure!!!

 

[mentalmum]

I agree that you do what you have to as a parent. There are times when it may mean the difference between life and death - think of a teen who is seriously thinking about suicide but not talking to mum or dad about it - wouldn't you want to know so you could get them some help? What if they're doing drugs? Or engaging in criminal activity? I think there are times when it's justifiable to snoop, provided you really do have grounds to be worried. If you're just a nosy parker and want to know everything about their lives, that's not okay, in my book. I confess to having snooped when I suspected my daughter (then 14) was in trouble - and I was right. I didn't confront her with my new-found knowledge right away, I thought about it and discussed it with my husband and then acted to keep her safe. There was another occasion when she ran away, and I went through everything in her room with a fine-tooth comb trying to find where she might have gone, as she hadn't gone to the obvious places. She, of course, felt like I was the worst mother in the world...but as someone posted on facebook the other day, I will not be my children's best friend, I am their parent first and foremost, and I will do whatever it takes to help them grow up safe and responsible and contributing members of society, even if they do hate me for it.

 

[GavinH]

I believe that children earn privacy but have no right to it.

 

[lodestone123]

mentalmum - wouldn't it be nice if we could be their best friend and their mum. How do we get through this mine field and still retain a a close relationship. I choose mum first but still dream of both. :arghh: