relationships...

[MamaRuthie]

i was wondering how other families juggle all the different relationships within their family??

i have noticed that the dynamic in my marriage has changed a lot as my daughter has gotten older i find myself having to defend her a lot to my husband who still wants to treat her lke a little girl which is putting a strain on our relationship because its like im always taking her side

does anyone have any suggestions??

 

[mom2many]

It will get better. I went through it with my husband only his was more of a double standard when it came to our boys versus our girls. There were plenty of times we had huge arguments over it.

When he's an ass I call him out, plain and simple.

 

[cybele]

My husband hasn't been too bad with the double standard thing (I think it's from growing up with only sisters, he learned not to underestimate females) but there have been times where we have been on the opposite end of opinions on things related to the kids. Usually we discuss it away from them, we find that helps us.

 

[akmom]

My kids are young and it is already an issue. We also discuss it away from the kids. If it's mid-punishment, I usually say, "I'm not sure that's the approach we want to take," and that generally gets it deferred until we can talk. But that is only because he reviles debating in front of the kids, and I'm of the same opinion. We try to give each other space. Still, sometimes I find I'm just not on board. Then it becomes really hard to juggle "siding" with my kids without undermining their father.

This is definitely a good discussion.

 

[IADad]

oh man, what a subject. I wish I knew. We try to talk about it. Let each other know when we think the other has over reacted.

Case and Point: Last night, family all watching some football about 30 minutes before bedtime. Two boys started poking at each other (little one saying his favorite team name, older one adding "sucks' continuous loop.) Let it go a little while (boys will be boys) then intervened with "hey guys, I think that's enough, this isn't going anywhere good." About 5 minutes later they're back at it. I say in a more stern voice "Enough." Elder says "sorry" younger says "why do I have to stop I wasn't doing anything wrong." I sent him to bed immediately. I wasn't having any of the talking back.

DW thought I overreacted, but she also wasn't even aware of all that was going on because she has her nose in a book (her latest avoidance method) so, now I'm the ass. She called me out on it in a little bit. I explained the whole thing, she shrugged aqnd went and coddled him. I went and had a de-brief with him, ensuring he knew what he'd done "wrong" in my book. So, it ended pretty well, but there was tension the remainder of the evening and certainly put a damper on any of our late night thoughts or plans....

 

[Xero]

I guess mine are still little, but honestly my DH is usually at work (7 days a week - sometimes 16 hours a day) and when he is at home he is sleeping a lot of the time, so when he is home and awake he is kind of just chilling out or playing with the kids. 98% of all discipline and decisions and stuff like that are just up to me. So I guess I don't really encounter that very often haha. Either way, I'm sure that all couples are bound to disagree on parenting at times. I agree with not arguing in front of the kids, and try to come to a compromise and be understanding of the other person's feelings.

 

[cybele]

For the point of full disclosure, around 10-ish years ago, a little more actually, more like 11-12 years ago because I remember us having a huge fight on Lux's first birthday, Ash and I had some issues, basically I wasn't working and was at home with a baby and a toddler, plus two in school, trying to be supermum helping out at the school, of course, and Ash was at work and wanting to move up in his career because he had been in the same position since he started working so he was doing a lot of overtime and going to conferences and he was doing a management course on top of that. Azriel had his food sensory issues and Sunny wasn't too happy with Lux's overall existence and those were two big things that we did not agree on. I thought I was right because I was with them all day and I probably knew the situation better, but at the same time, Ash would come in with fresh eyes and see thing things I wasn't, but missing the whole picture of what happened throughout the day and we argued nearly every night for about a year about the kids. We ended up seeing a marriage councillor which was probably one of the best things we have ever done for us.

With us, what it ended up coming down to was having to admit that neither of us had all the answers (much easier for Ash to accept than me, I struggled with that one) therefore there was no point arguing either side. Does anyone know the Simpsons episode where Homer and Marge go to some marriage course and have the discussion in the kitchen about the cake "I'm feeling a lot of shame right now" "I am hearing that you feeling a lot of shame, I am feeling disappointment". Well, we had to discuss things like that for a while until we got into the habit of calmly laying out each of our cases and coming up with a combined decision. We must have sounded absolutely ridiculous, and even now, every now and again one of us will get angry at the other and go "At the moment I am feeling anger and like I am not being heard" and anyone who overhears it looks at us like were nuts, but it does get the point across calmly.

Another thing, and sorry, here's the sappy lovely dovey bit, was having to learn to separate our relationship as parents from our relationship as 'lovers' (such an awkward word to throw out there when you're referring to someone you have been married to for nearly 22 years, but hey) and not let the parents relationship get too mixed up in the lovers relationship, because parents relationship is pretty dominating and has a habit of taking over because it doesn't take a break. For us, we found that when we improved on that we were more open to each other's opinions in the parenting relationship.

It's just what worked for us and we are much better off now then we were 10 years ago. Honestly I don't think we would still be married if we didn't get help.

 

[IADad]

Thanks cybele. It seems that everyone who sticks together very long (we've been married 25 years this past October 1) has had to come to an understanding like this.

We're pretty good at accepting each other's failing, at sharing the blame when things go wrong and in saying at the end of the day, "We're stronger facing this together than we would be alone."

I wholeheartedly agree about creating some separation between the parent couple relationship and the lover relationship. As lovers we refresh each other, and support each other one on one. Together we parent. So, it's important to have time devoted to focusing on each of those relationships, hard to do when you seem to just go day by day, juggling, keeping the balls in the air.

 

[nwcrazy]

As a father, I've always treated my daughter the same way that I was treated as a child. She's only in the 2nd grade, but I could tell it's having an effect. She likes both traditionally male and female things and isn't afraid to "go for it" when confronted with new situations. Based on my own personal observations, I see plenty of dads who are overly protective of their daughters. They allow their sons to take risks, beginning in preschool, but won't afford their daughters the same opportunity. It's my belief that this may hold their daughters back in the real world (ie in their careers or starting a tech company) after they've grown up.

BTW, I found it interesting to find that ONE of the reasons boys tend to do a little better than girls on the SAT may be because they are willing to take risks and guess on some of the questions. In contrast, girls tend to answer questions if they feel they know the answer. Otherwise they, leave them blank or spend too much time trying to figure things out so that they get it right. On timed tests, "this" is a killer.

This is a generalization, but it does get my point across.

My 2 cents

 

[MamaRuthie]

thank you all for this it really has given me a lot to think about one thing we really don't have is us time anymore its just either me and ellie time or family time as the three of us and even then that's not common sometimes I feel like its just me and ellie and then he lives his own life especially more that she is a teenager now like he doesn't know how to talk to her or relate to her

I try to guide them but anything ellie says anything teenagery he gets annoyed or upset like last night for example we were having dinner and she made a joke about how her glass of water tastes like strawberry because she was wearing strawberry lipgloss and he got upset saying that she isn't old enough to wear it its just chapstick. then at night he got angry at me for buying it for her but he doesn't even act like an active parent so its not like I had an idea that it even bothered him he just goes to work comes home plays cards on the computer and that's it he barely spends any time with her at all but expects to have a say in everything she does but he doesn't even realise that she isn't a little baby anymore

 

[cybele]

Have you spoken to him, with Ellie elsewhere to discuss these issues?

I do agree with you that it's hard to know where he stands on particular parenting 'issues' and find a common ground if he doesn't make himself heard until after something has been done. To me it sounds like the two of you need a bit more open communication about your expectations of your daughter.

 

[JVegas]

<t>My wife says that I am too tough on my son and that my daughter gets everything sugar coated. She’s exactly right. It’s not on purpose. <br/>
My daughter and I think so much alike that she often does what I want her to without me telling her and when I do have to tell her to do something she does it the first time.<br/>
<br/>
My son on the other had, is difficult. I have to keep after him about everything. He’s bigger than her and 2 years older so he bullies her a little bit. His personality is just like my wifes. He is kind and caring and sensitive but he’s just too easy going and laid back. That doesn’t mix too well with my Type A personality.<br/>
<br/>
I don’t want to treat my children unfairly but you’re going to hear a different tone from me after I’ve told you to go to bed 4 times vs if I only had to tell you once. <br/>
<br/>
So I’m a type A former Marine and my wife is 1 flower necklace away from being a hippie. So yes there is a strain. Not just in child rearing but in life in general. <br/>
<br/>
Im hoping that the kids will be more well rounded since we are so different.</t>

 

[akmom]

That bit about husbands participating minimally but wanting a say in everything... I think that happens a lot. My husband started out like that, even before kids, and it applied to more than parenting issues.

When we had our premarital counseling, we were told to leave our baggage at the door. Not to walk into the marriage with expectations based on how it was in our families growing up. Of course it sounds like good, obvious advice, but it's hard to actually realize when you're doing it.

I agree with Cybele. I think you're just going to have to have a talk with him about it. Maybe while the incident is still fresh in his mind. "Hey, I think Suzie's comment about her water tasting like strawberry was pretty light-hearted. I'm upset that you went and got mad over something so silly. She's going to feel like you're always mad at her." When he responds that he doesn't think kids should wear lip gloss, remind him that he never mentioned that, so how could you or your daughter have known that?

If something bothers a parent, they should really bring it up to the other parent later. "Hey, I don't feel comfortable with our girls wearing lip gloss." If it's not worth bringing up later, then it's not worth getting huffy-puffy about in front of the kids.

It took us awhile to get there too. Some things are a given. I'm going to be mad if my two-year-old comes home with a tongue ring. But when my husband bought our son a pair of sweatpants, I didn't get to complain. Because I never mentioned that I don't like our kids wearing sweats. (Even though I can't personally imagine why he'd want his son dressed like that.) I think lip gloss is more on par with the sweats... more a matter of taste than a serious parenting decision.

 

[cybele]

If it's not worth bringing up later, then it's not worth getting huffy-puffy about in front of the kids.
.

I like that. Agreed.

Sometimes I think relationship 'upkeep' can be similar to parenting. Such as the good old phrase "pick your battles". To use examples already given, is chapstick or type of pants the hill you want to die on? Probably not.

 

[MamaRuthie]

I talked to him about it and he says that his tastes are important for her to respect but I don't really agree because she has todevelop her own tastes right?? I don't know what to do I don't think he is being fair on her at all

 

[cybele]

For what it's worth, I do agree with you, if this is something you think he is being unfair on her about then you are well within your rights to push the issue with him.

For me, taste is so fickle and subjective, and your daughter is at an age where she will develop her own. Tastes change, all the time, as an example, if we wound back the clock say, 10 years and someone said to me in 2003 "Hey Cybele in 2013 you will be wearing mustard chiffon trousers" I would have been on the floor laughing. But hey, here I am today in my fabulous trousers. It's hard enough to keep up with your own changing tastes, let alone someone else's, especially if that person doesn't let their tastes known until after purchases.

 

[cybele]

On a slightly off topic note, I thought about this thread last night,

It took us awhile to get there too. Some things are a given. I'm going to be mad if my two-year-old comes home with a tongue ring. But when my husband bought our son a pair of sweatpants, I didn't get to complain. Because I never mentioned that I don't like our kids wearing sweats. (Even though I can't personally imagine why he'd want his son dressed like that.) I think lip gloss is more on par with the sweats... more a matter of taste than a serious parenting decision.

I walked into the sunroom and Azriel was lying on the beanbag studying in not only sweatpants, but torn sweatpants, tapping on his tongue ring with a pen, which, as a side-note, is one of the most annoying noises ever. My head was going "Akmom won't like this".

 

[akmom]

But was he wearing lip gloss?

 

[cybele]

Sadly no, I'm sure Sunny has a couple hundred tubes he can borrow though.