Rock -> ME <- Hard Place...

[txstepmom]

Hello, everybody! Forgive me in advance if I get abbreviations wrong! I am new here and hoping to get some insight or perhaps straighten out my ideas if I'm off track - which DH seems to think I am - and do some venting to somebody who might possibly understand. Sorry if this gets long! It's been an emotional couple of days and I'm at my wit's end.

I have a 10 year old stepdaughter (K) who has known me since she was 3. I've been married to her father for 6 1/2 years. I do not have any children of my own, which becomes a highlight of discussion when DH and I don't agree on how I handle K. According to him I can't possibly understand since I haven't given birth... yet he expects me to have a mother-daughter bond with her. The lack of closeness is further complicated by the fact that K's biological mother is the custodial parent (so we have every other weekend visitation, etc) and despises me, more accurately despises the very thought of any woman threatening her role as K's mother. She's crazy for many reasons that I won't get into! My point is that she constantly fills K's head with disrespectful crap - I'm not her mother and never will be, I'm not allowed to discipline her ("hit her" as BM puts it even though she spanks K with a belt), the list goes on. She also uses abusive language about me in front of K. For instance, to my husband she once screamed on the phone, "Tell your stupid b----- wife...", while K was next to her in the car. (This was in reaction to me spanking K on the bottom with my hand *NOT hitting her* for lying to me.) So we're dealing with a respect issue in that when it suits her purpose, K uses the "You're not my mommy" card... not that she gets away with it but she tries!

And don't get me started on what she's not allowed to call me (mommy)! I've always been fine with Mommy Leslie or Ms. Leslie but K has chosen to just say mommy since very early on. I was, after all, another mother figure from age 3. BM about has a coronary over the issue and admonishes K for referring to me as anything other than just Leslie... but encourages her to call her stepfather daddy. Yes, she's got a lot of double standards. I'm fine with not being called mommy but draw the line at just my 1st name - that's disrespectful. Am I out of line??? To you bio-moms out there whose children have a step parent, do you feel the same way as K's BM??

Lately K has been testing the waters with a lot of whining and arguing and disobedience. Yesterday a lot of things boiled over - she didn't want to change clothes to go shopping, started arguing, I took her by the hand to walk to her room and she threw herself on the floor and proceeded to throw a fit! Then she accused me of treating the pets better than her and told DH that she doesn't think I like her. Well putting aside the stab in the heart, I tried to explain to her that the animals don't talk back! And when they misbehave we swat their bottoms or put them in their kennel! She doesn't want to be spanked and locked in her room so I think we got that point across. If she never in her life dislikes me, then I'm not doing something right IMO.

Anyway, I guess MY point here is that it is SO STINKING HARD to be a stepmom!! Not that any kind of parenting is a walk in the park but I can't help but feel it's much more difficult when you're trying to help raise another person's child. How do the rest of you deal with these issues? "Competing" with your biological counterpart who undermines you whenever possible, disrespect and doubt from the stepchild, a husband who backs you up but at the same time accuses you of not being loving enough???

I'm undoubtedly not perfect and I don't cuddle and sweet talk very often like K gets from everybody else - her BM still talks to her like she's 3! I'm just more straight forward and not one to sugar-coat things. But am I screwing up the relationship by being that way? I want a good relationship with K... just don't want to blur the lines between parent and friend if that makes sense. I've tried to connect with her - we fix her hair, go shopping, she helps me in the kitchen, etc. We're even getting a keyboard for her birthday that she's begging for so I can teach her to play piano and have another activity we can do together. What else can I do???

 

[bssage]

DH

Bravo. Its nice to see someone who has taken the time to read old post which you obviously have done.

I am not a step parent. But may be able to add. Before everyone gets posting its important to remember that some of the advice may simply not fit you. Take what You think you can use and just get past the stuff that may not.

According to him I can't possibly understand since I haven't given birth...

With a new step parent I probably would agree. But it appears you have "done the time"
for this to be a non-issue. And your post is not "should I throw in the towel?" its more "what can I do?" IMHO that speaks volumes about how vested you are.

despises the very thought of any woman threatening her role as K's mother.

I can understand where she is coming from. that does not make it right. I just can understand.

"You're not my mommy"

And don't get me started on what she's not allowed to call me (mommy)! I'm fine with not being called mommy but draw the line at just my 1st name - that's disrespectful. Am I out of line???

Without knowing how mature she is. I would lean toward having a little event with just you and her to pick an agreed upon name. Something that is both respectful for you and comfortable for her. I can easily see how she would be conflicted with this. But really "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" Its just a name. In the grand scheme of things The lesson you want to teach is two fold. Names don't define us. And to be respectful. IMHO I would hesitate any kind of discipline for a name you just don't like. Treat them with a calm correction. And take larger issue with anything considered disrespectful.

Lately K has been testing the waters with a lot of whining and arguing and disobedience. Yesterday a lot of things boiled over - she didn't want to change clothes to go shopping, started arguing, I took her by the hand to walk to her room and she threw herself on the floor and proceeded to throw a fit! Then she accused me of treating the pets better than her and told DH that she doesn't think I like her.

I think thats common. I like to use the analogy of the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. They keep throwing themselves at the electrified fence and the handler says "they are testing for weakness" Kid's, at least mine do that rather frequently. That's their job.

If she never in her life dislikes me, then I'm not doing something right IMO.

I dont disagree with this. Parenting is not always the most popular job

Anyway, I guess MY point here is that it is SO STINKING HARD to be a stepmom!! Not that any kind of parenting is a walk in the park but I can't help but feel it's much more difficult when you're trying to help raise another person's child. How do the rest of you deal with these issues? "Competing" with your biological counterpart who undermines you whenever possible, disrespect and doubt from the stepchild, a husband who backs you up but at the same time accuses you of not being loving enough???

It would have to be extremely hard, on both sides of the fence. The only person you can control is yourself. Its not likely you can change the others. In your mind they need to be workarounds. Plan for them and expect them to behave the way you (if you thought about it) know they are likely will behave. Don't let yourself be less of a parent because of them. Be a better parent inspite of them.

I'm undoubtedly not perfect and I don't cuddle and sweet talk very often like K gets from everybody else - her BM still talks to her like she's 3! I'm just more straight forward and not one to sugar-coat things. But am I screwing up the relationship by being that way? I want a good relationship with K... just don't want to blur the lines between parent and friend if that makes sense. I've tried to connect with her - we fix her hair, go shopping, she helps me in the kitchen, etc. We're even getting a keyboard for her birthday that she's begging for so I can teach her to play piano and have another activity we can do together. What else can I do???

Absolutely right. Nobody is a perfect parent. Sounds like not only are you soldering through the tough times and doing what it take to hold the line.

They say hindsight is 20/20. And I think that is true. I was a lot of trouble for my parents and they really psssd me off many many times. But as I mature I see the wisdom and love in their ways. I think that is true to some extent for most people. At some point I am sure you SD will look back with a better understanding and appreciate your love and effort.

bssage

 

[mom2many]

Step-mom's have the hardest job of all. It is a very difficult line between being a loving influential person in someones life and being "mom".

The first thing that stood out to me is the part where you swatted/spanked her. I am not one against an occasional swat on the butt. However, that was not your place, sorry you will need to be more creative in your discipline. Sometimes picking your battles is a lot better then trying to win everyone of them.

Did she not want to go shopping? Or did she just not want to change her clothes? If she didn't want to go was there an alternative, could dad sty home with her? Could it have waited till he could? If it was a matter of not changing her clothes then what harm would it have been to take her out in whatever she had on, maybe compromise on at least letting you brush her hair...makes the lack of "nice" clothes less noticeable. Many times my kids have gone in whatever they had on, and they weren't exactly what I would deem going out clothes. The only persona embarrassed is them. I have learned long ago that most parents get it, when it comes to kids in mismatched clothes and unbrushed hair. They have all been there at one point or another.

As for calling you by your first name...nothing wrong with that. That is your name right? If she has chosen to call you mommy then she has decided what to call you. I'm not sure mom will be able to change that except maybe in mom's presence.

The "your not my mommy" card is very normal and even biological kids have ways of playing bio-parents against each other. She just has a little more advantage in that game and hubby will have to be the one to say to his daughter that it doesn't matter. At the very least some respect is do cause you are his wife.

Be yourself, but remember she is ten, and then she is a pre-tween. There is a way to say what you want without leaving her feeling alienated. Think your words through, listen to yourself and see if it is really appropriate for a 10 year old. They do not think like the average adult, because they aren't one and what might seem logical to you and I. Isn't to them.

 

[txstepmom]

Thank you bssage for your very constructive reply.... and mom2many as well. There may have been a bit of misunderstanding about K calling me mommy. The issue isn't with me, but with her BM. BM won't stand for it. I've always been perfectly fine with Ms. Leslie or Mommy Leslie but I don't accept using my 1st name only any more than we allow her to call any other adult by 1st name only. That said, K has always referred to me as "mommy" in some form on her own, not because we told her to.

To mom2many - to clarify, I did NOT spank her over the shopping/changing clothes incident. The end result was that we all ended up not going shopping and she did not get to take her favorite new sweater (Christmas gift from us) back to BM's with her for the week.

Though it may be popular opinion that spanking is not my "place", I respectfully disagree. If her father is home, he handles that part. If he is not, I always try other disciplinary actions 1st and she is always given a choice to obey or be punished. She is old enough to understand that choice. Changing clothes may seem trivial but it wasn't so much about that as her attitude (she threw a fit so sorry, not compromising in response to that)... and the fact that when DH is not home she tends to think she can get away with it.

Have I spanked her before? Yes. Her father/DH and I are in agreement that if the situation warrants it and he is not home to deal with it, it's up to me. K's BM is not the only biological parent and doesn't get to make all of the rules regarding what happens in our home. If DH disagreed with spanking, things would be different. Make sense?

Aside from the discipline issue which is not a daily occurance by any means... I think I'm just feeling very overwhelmed with the relationship between K and I and the expectations from DH on that topic. It's hard to forge a bond when you only spend every other weekend together. I'm very excited about the digital piano we are getting! I grew up playing and haven't had a piano in a long time. K has an ear for it so it's something I hope will improve our relationship!

Thanks again for your insights!!

 

[bssage]

Just a little disclaimer folks.

Lets keep the spanking debate on that thread. Not here.

 

[txstepmom]

Just a little disclaimer folks.

Lets keep the spanking debate on that thread. Not here.

Sorry, just didn't want there to be confusion. Will leave it at that

 

[mom2many]

I'm just gonna bold inside since I am to lazy to break it apart...

Thank you bssage for your very constructive reply.... and mom2many as well. There may have been a bit of misunderstanding about K calling me mommy. The issue isn't with me, but with her BM. BM won't stand for it. I've always been perfectly fine with Ms. Leslie or Mommy Leslie but I don't accept using my 1st name only any more than we allow her to call any other adult by 1st name only. That said, K has always referred to me as "mommy" in some form on her own, not because we told her to.

I got that it was mom with the issue, but when away from mom there isn't much she can do. All she can do is tell her not to call you mom, when in mom's presence.

To mom2many - to clarify, I did NOT spank her over the shopping/changing clothes incident. The end result was that we all ended up not going shopping and she did not get to take her favorite new sweater (Christmas gift from us) back to BM's with her for the week.

I also got that it had nothing to do with the shopping but over the fit. However, did it need to get to the point where she threw a fit? No, it didn't. She could have just went looking like a slob...a few stares goes a long way in the future. I'm not sure what the sweater had to do with anything though..

Though it may be popular opinion that spanking is not my "place", I respectfully disagree. If her father is home, he handles that part. If he is not, I always try other disciplinary actions 1st and she is always given a choice to obey or be punished. She is old enough to understand that choice. Changing clothes may seem trivial but it wasn't so much about that as her attitude (she threw a fit so sorry, not compromising in response to that)... and the fact that when DH is not home she tends to think she can get away with it.

It's not, even if dad agree's because mom doesn't. If it was your bio-child would you want someone to spank her if they were told not to? Even if the other parent agree's? I can tell you that if you spank and mom has not agreed to it, that could be grounds for dad to loose his visitation, doesn't matter if mom does herself. I have seen happen before. Again, you could have diffused the situation, instead you wanted it your way.

Have I spanked her before? Yes. Her father/DH and I are in agreement that if the situation warrants it and he is not home to deal with it, it's up to me. K's BM is not the only biological parent and doesn't get to make all of the rules regarding what happens in our home. If DH disagreed with spanking, things would be different. Make sense?

Again, not against spanking. But as stated above. Mom does not agree.

Aside from the discipline issue which is not a daily occurance by any means... I think I'm just feeling very overwhelmed with the relationship between K and I and the expectations from DH on that topic. It's hard to forge a bond when you only spend every other weekend together. I'm very excited about the digital piano we are getting! I grew up playing and haven't had a piano in a long time. K has an ear for it so it's something I hope will improve our relationship!

Parenting is very overwhelming, You have the added stress of being a step-mom, it's a very unthankful and unforgiving job. The piano sounds like a great way to bond with her, not to mention a lot of fun.
Thanks again for your insights!!

One thing I am noticing throughout your post is the "I won't tolerate it" part of being a parent is learning what is your hill to die on and what isn't. Everything else should be compromised, learning to be a truly effective parent is also learning when to back down. That doesn't give child free reign though many parents think if they give up some of their control they are giving the child what they want. It doesn't, it means that somethings just aren't a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

 

[mom2many]

Just a little disclaimer folks.

Lets keep the spanking debate on that thread. Not here.

I agree, it isn't about whether or not spanking is okay. Only what is okay in this situation.

 

[bssage]

Just a little disclaimer folks.

Lets keep the spanking debate on that thread. Not here.

Not directed at anyone. Just hedging my bets.

I agree with m2m. I couldnt think of a way to say that until I read M2M's post. But that really is the big item. It will be a whole other can of worms if its used against you/dad for visitation.

 

[txstepmom]

Ending the spanking topic here - agree to disagree - and point out that it is always a last resort.

As far as diffusing the situation... I'll explain a little more about what happened b/c we generally DO try to nip these things before K gets to melting point. She was wearing pajamas and wanted to wear new boots she has. Since we were taking her back to her mother's after shopping, I told her to go ahead and put on the jeans that go back to BM's b/c they'd be cute with her boots, etc. She immediately started arguing with me. Saying I "don't tolerate" such behavior probably sounded more harsh than intended! It's not about winning a battle or dying on any hill... it's about obedience and teaching her to respectfully respond to what she is told to do. Her argumentative response was disrespectful. I took her hand to walk her to her room to figure out what we were going to do and she literally threw herself down on the floor and erupted into a rebellious fit. At that point there is no room for compromise... she was then given the choice to go change clothes and go shopping or stay home. When her arguing continued her favorite sweater was taken away as punishment. When she erupted again and got very disrespectful, her father took over and we all stayed home.

Is that a clearer picture? Had she not immediately started arguing about changing clothes, compromise could have been effective... but we choose not to reward that argumentative attitude by backing down. Unfortunately, she has learned that with her BM she can whine and cry and get her way - I've seen it happen many times... so we get to deal with that learned behavior and since we don't react the same way and always give in, we also get to deal with the temper tantrums. I'm sure she'll grow out of it. If only my grey hairs would also go away!!

Other than grounding/taking things away and spanking... what are some other strategies that work in your homes??? I think that only having K 2 nights/every other weekend really hinders any kind of routine and really limits the discipline strategies that would potentially work. So I'm open to ideas!

 

[txstepmom]

Not directed at anyone. Just hedging my bets.

I agree with m2m. I couldnt think of a way to say that until I read M2M's post. But that really is the big item. It will be a whole other can of worms if its used against you/dad for visitation.

Unfortunately for BM, she will lose the custody battle should she choose to go there. Her husband/father of her 2 boys is constantly in and out of jail as well as their house and last week grabbed K by the arm so hard she had bruises and called DH crying but when he tried to go get her BM of course refused to let him. He's drunk most of the time, gets violent with BM, etc. Once we have some solid proof, we'll act on it but unfortunately K didn't take a picture of the bruise, nor did her mother do anything about it. Sooooo... whole other story there. She's so much of a control freak and in her mind it's her way or the highway - therefore she will not admit that her home is not the best environment for K and won't risk going to court over a spanking or anything else for that matter.

 

[momtoallkids]

this may sound a little harsh and a little rash but we had a similar situation with my step sons bio mom except that she was living with us at the time. what she is doing is abusive. not just the belt bit but trash talking you to her and saying screwed up things to her. her father could go for custody on those grounds, and win. we did and we did it without a lawyer.

if that is something that you choose not to do or may wait on, in the meantime, when you do have her on the weekends, make a date for just you and her. dont waste your breath TELLING her that you are not like how her mother says you are. show her. show her that you love her and that you are there no matter what and NEVER sink to the bio moms level and trash talk her mother in front of her. do things just the 2 of you. something as simple as getting your nails done or going out to lunch. it will help her realixe that her mom is crazy and full of it.

 

[mom2many]

Again, lazy mans way lol

Ending the spanking topic here - agree to disagree - and point out that it is always a last resort.

As far as diffusing the situation... I'll explain a little more about what happened b/c we generally DO try to nip these things before K gets to melting point. She was wearing pajamas and wanted to wear new boots she has. Since we were taking her back to her mother's after shopping, I told her to go ahead and put on the jeans that go back to BM's b/c they'd be cute with her boots, etc. She immediately started arguing with me. Saying I "don't tolerate" such behavior probably sounded more harsh than intended! It's not about winning a battle or dying on any hill... it's about obedience and teaching her to respectfully respond to what she is told to do. Her argumentative response was disrespectful. I took her hand to walk her to her room to figure out what we were going to do and she literally threw herself down on the floor and erupted into a rebellious fit. At that point there is no room for compromise... she was then given the choice to go change clothes and go shopping or stay home. When her arguing continued her favorite sweater was taken away as punishment. When she erupted again and got very disrespectful, her father took over and we all stayed home.

Here's what I would have done (your request sounds reasonable). The minute her mouth opened to argue my response would have been... "I am not arguing, here are your choices. Put your jeans on with your new boots, put your boots in with your Pj's and make sure to pack your jeans or we can just stay home. You have 5 minutes to make up your mind." Then walk away, do not argue or discuss anymore...ignore her. At that age (really then till the teen years) it's about winning. If choices are given, then there is nothing to win because you will have thrown the ball back in her court. I will give a one minute warning and ask if a choice has been made. If not, then I will make the choice. There has been a time or two where I have picked up a kid, dressed them and dragged them out the door. Yes, there is a time and a place for assertiveness. Then there have been times where we just stay home.


Is that a clearer picture? Had she not immediately started arguing about changing clothes, compromise could have been effective... but we choose not to reward that argumentative attitude by backing down. Unfortunately, she has learned that with her BM she can whine and cry and get her way - I've seen it happen many times... so we get to deal with that learned behavior and since we don't react the same way and always give in, we also get to deal with the temper tantrums. I'm sure she'll grow out of it. If only my grey hairs would also go away!!

Other than grounding/taking things away and spanking... what are some other strategies that work in your homes??? I think that only having K 2 nights/every other weekend really hinders any kind of routine and really limits the discipline strategies that would potentially work. So I'm open to ideas!

It's hard to give alternatives without being in the situation. With 8 kids I have learned that what might work on one does not work on another. I am forever having to changes paces, to keep up with each personality.

A few rules I have that I stand by are ..
1. I will not argue, doesn't mean choices aren't given. I just will not be pulled into their drama.
2. Consistency. I try to keep each consequence consistent. Not always easy when I can't remember which one get's what half the time. But I try
3. At 10, I find tweaking a time-out works better. I make mine sit in a "corner". How they sit I do not care but sit they will. Usually this gives them a moment to collect themselves and calm down. I do not interact, no matter what they say and do.


Those are a few, I'm sure there are more just nothing that comes to mind.

 

[Buttaflly227]

This is a sticky situation indeed. I got along well with my step mother who was also in my life since that young age. My mother wasn't against her really, but was a bit jealous because of the second mother aspect that a stepmother brings.
One thing I highly suggest when she plays the "Your not my mommy" card, is saying "You're right, and I'm not trying to be but I love you very much and (you fill in the blank for the situation.)" I heard this in a movie or something and thought it to be a very powerful rebuttal. I think it was in that movie Stepmom with Julia Roberts. You should watch that if you haven't.
I would also suggest having a discussion with your husband about being more supportive. I know you said he was but how why would he dare say you wouldn't understand because you haven't given birth?! What about adopted kids? Do those parents love their kids any less?
He needs to stop saying things to you like that and then HE should man up and talk to his ex about her disrespecting you. I know this doesn't always work but if that's hopeless, HE should talk to K about her behavior towards you. It is his role to support you and it is HIS daughter who you help raise and your husband needs to put his own foot down rather than leaving you with all the responsibility of putting K in her place. You're doing your best and that's all anyone can ask.

Hope this helps!

Be Well,
Be at Peace,
Jessica

<URL url="http://www.greatestkidsgames.com/">

 

[txstepmom]

when she plays the "Your not my mommy" card, is saying "You're right, and I'm not trying to be but I love you very much and (you fill in the blank for the situation.)

I do use this approach with her. She's only tried it a couple times in the midst of a total meltdown. After the fire is out I talk with her. Our relationship is overall pretty good... I'm just much more no-nonsense that the other adults in her life and she's used to being babied. Since she doesn't get that from me, she gets into "you don't like me" mode. It typically doesn't last long.

DH is supportive and backs me up with K and with BM. There's only so much he can say or do in confronting BM... she simply won't hear anything he has to say. She's a bitter woman but she has made her own bed to lie in has never even attempted to be pleasant to me - not from day 1. Anywayyyyy.... DH does put his foot down. He doesn't put up with K's disobedience or disrespectful attitude when it flares up.

I'm going to concentrate on some of the suggestions I've received and keep chugging along!

 

[parentastic]

I've been married to her father for 6 1/2 years. I do not have any children of my own, which becomes a highlight of discussion when DH and I don't agree on how I handle K. According to him I can't possibly understand since I haven't given birth...

6 years and a half of experience with her. For all intent and purpose, she is just like your daughter, IMO. You have been here for her 3/4th of all her life! In addition, you certainly have <U>more</U> understanding of parenting with your 6 and half years as a step parent than, say, a new bio parent who has never done that before.
So what does he mean when he says "you can't understand"? What is it that you can't understand but that he can, exactly?

yet he expects me to have a mother-daughter bond with her.

Do you?

My point is that she constantly fills K's head with disrespectful crap - I'm not her mother and never will be, I'm not allowed to discipline her ("hit her" as BM puts it even though she spanks K with a belt), the list goes on.

Whaa. I am sorry to hear this. This sucks. I find it very sad and frankly appalling when adults involve children in their own fights. The pressure it must create in this little girl's mind must be overwhelming at times.
I can tell the bio mom is/feels insecure about her own roles, and you suffer the consequence of her own lack of confidence. But the child shouldn't have to suffer for it. And asking you to do nothing is also detrimental, because:

<LIST>

• 
  <LI>
• If you do agree, and refuses to get involved, playing the bio mom game, you confirm to the child's eyes that you do not care, and it erodes or prevents those mother-daughter bonds to grow, while you become resentful when she misbehave. It also creates strange power dynamics in the family, with your authority not at the same level than your husband, etc.</LI>
  <LI>
• If you disagree, it creates an open conflict, putting the child in the middle each time you take a decision, and giving the child an excuse to escape facing her own consequences.</LI>

</LIST>
So she puts you in a nasty lose-lose situation, as far as I can tell.

On a side note, in Canada where I write you from, hitting a child with a belt is considered child abuse and she could lose all custody, not to mention the possibility of being accused of a crime.

And don't get me started on what she's not allowed to call me (mommy)! I'm fine with not being called mommy but draw the line at just my 1st name - that's disrespectful. Am I out of line???

Another situation where the child is torn between that same proverbial rock &amp; hard place
I am not sure what's wrong with using first names though?

"Competing" with your biological counterpart who undermines you whenever possible, disrespect and doubt from the stepchild, a husband who backs you up but at the same time accuses you of not being loving enough???

It's a shitty situation and I totally understand what you mean.
I think there is very deep need for a serious open conversation with the partner here, to understand what's preventing him from fully supporting you. (Sorry if you already made that part clear, I don't recall understanding it, but maybe I missed it in your post).
I would ask him, what would it take from you so that he'd be fully 100% supportive?

Then she accused me of treating the pets better than her and told DH that she doesn't think I like her.

I think that right here, you have a real precious gem to mine.
It may feel like a stab in the heart, but at the same time, she is telling you her real, deep, unpolished feelings. Feelings are not bad - they just ARE. They provide an occasion for a pause, for wondering "wait a second.. she feels that way? How so? What have I done? What could I do differently, so that she does not feel that way anymore?"

If you hear this as another way to be disrespectful toward you, you miss the underlying gem. You risk zeroing on the conflict - the escalation, the power struggle between both of you - and missing the <I>real</I> message, the call for help, the message that says: "I'd like to feel better with you, I'd like to feel loved, accepted, cared for".

This kid has seen a lot of screams, strap belts, yelling, spanking, and control in her life - regardless of where it comes from or why. If we look at things from her perspective, the anxiety and tension must be very deeply affecting her. Her reaction, all things considered, is perfectly natural: it's a defense mechanism intended to remain, as much as possible, in control of her own life. The more she feels pushed around, the more she needs to resist to preserve her identity.

So the way I see this, the goal is to change your approach so that:

<LIST>

• 
  <LI>
• You still continue to get involved in her education and raise her</LI>
  <LI>
• The bond between her and you strengthen naturally, rather than getting strained like now</LI>
  <LI>
• She can't get away with things by just pretending you cannot discipline her</LI>
  <LI>
• You get back full approval and support from your husband</LI>
  <LI>
• The bio mother can no longer say anything because your SD will naturally see and lean toward you if the bound is strong.</LI>

</LIST>

You ask: "What else can I do???" and here is what I want to tell you.
Yes, you and I have (obviously) very radically different way to see discipline, as we both noted on the other thread.
Yet - if you are truly wondering, <I>what could I do differently?</I> then I argue that, perhaps, someone with radically different views on discipline (**not permissive or indulgent**) could provide insights toward new solutions.

What do you say?

 

[txstepmom]

Yes, 3/4 of her entire life... she likely does not remember me NOT being in her life. Only in the last couple years has it become a definite struggle due to BM's influence. K has become old enough to understand what is going on. She's fully aware that her mother doesn't like me. She's also sadly aware that her mother lies to her - in K's own words, "I know when she lies because her nose wrinkles". She's being forced to grow up much too soon. I am certainly open to new solutions --- that is why I came here. Beyond the BM issues, problems in my marriage have not helped the bond between K and I. Marriage is hard enough... gaining a child at the same time is even harder. BUT I want to do the best I can. A serious conversation with DH is way past due and hopefully we can find some strategies that work for us.

 

[LucidKitty]

Spanking with a belt is illegal actually, and you should press charges.I would also consider taking her to court to review the custody arrangements.

 

[txstepmom]

Spanking with a belt is illegal actually, and you should press charges.I would also consider taking her to court to review the custody arrangements.

Actually it is not illegal - not in Texas, anyway.

"Abuse does not include reasonable discipline by a parent/guardian/managing or possessory conservator if child is not exposed to substantial risk of harm. Family Code § 261.001. [Civil Code]

Parent/stepparent/person standing in loco parentis to child is justified to use non-deadly force against a child under 18 when and to degree the actor reasonably believes necessary to discipline, or safeguard or promote child's welfare. Penal § 9.61. [Criminal Code]"

A judge's opinion of what "substantial risk of harm" and "non-deadly force" may or may not include would be the determining factor in a court case. Is a spanking with a belt deadly? No, not under most circumstances. Should one *beat* or *whip* a child with a belt going way beyond a spanking on the bottom... ok, that could be considered deadly force. However, BM is not beating her with a belt. She gets spanked with one and so far has never been left with a mark/bruise so..... either way right now it would just be our word versus K's recollection of events versus BM's word, etc. There is no solid proof and frankly, a belt spanking is less worrisome to us than the drunken and mean stepfather BM allows in her home.

Would we love to take her to court and fight for custody?? Absolutely. When we have the resources to do so and when K turns 12 - at the age Texas law says we can request that the judge confer with the child and take her preference into consideration. She is almost 11 so over the next year we will be seriously preparing and encouraging K to call DH immediately if she is ever in danger or at the hands of the stepfather.

Many questionable things happened in that home over the years and I've spoken with a child crimes detective who said they can't go into the home to investigate until the children have been put in harm's way and we have proof of it... basically their hands are tied until somebody gets hurt. It's a shame.

 

[LucidKitty]

Actually it is not illegal - not in Texas, anyway.

"Abuse does not include reasonable discipline by a parent/guardian/managing or possessory conservator if child is not exposed to substantial risk of harm. Family Code § 261.001. [Civil Code]

Parent/stepparent/person standing in loco parentis to child is justified to use non-deadly force against a child under 18 when and to degree the actor reasonably believes necessary to discipline, or safeguard or promote child's welfare. Penal § 9.61. [Criminal Code]"

A judge's opinion of what "substantial risk of harm" and "non-deadly force" may or may not include would be the determining factor in a court case. Is a spanking with a belt deadly? No, not under most circumstances. Should one *beat* or *whip* a child with a belt going way beyond a spanking on the bottom... ok, that could be considered deadly force. However, BM is not beating her with a belt. She gets spanked with one and so far has never been left with a mark/bruise so..... either way right now it would just be our word versus K's recollection of events versus BM's word, etc. There is no solid proof and frankly, a belt spanking is less worrisome to us than the drunken and mean stepfather BM allows in her home.

Would we love to take her to court and fight for custody?? Absolutely. When we have the resources to do so and when K turns 12 - at the age Texas law says we can request that the judge confer with the child and take her preference into consideration. She is almost 11 so over the next year we will be seriously preparing and encouraging K to call DH immediately if she is ever in danger or at the hands of the stepfather.

Many questionable things happened in that home over the years and I've spoken with a child crimes detective who said they can't go into the home to investigate until the children have been put in harm's way and we have proof of it... basically their hands are tied until somebody gets hurt. It's a shame.

You hit the nail right on the head with "Acceptable force". Spanking with your hand is considered acceptable, with a belt is not. I'm coming from a mother with 30 + years in CPS and can say with a degree of certainty that it almost always will end in criminal charges. Here is a link to a texas judge who sentenced a women for spanking her child http://www.kztv10.com/news/local-mother-sentenced-for-spanking/[/url].