I do not allow my 17 year old son to be at someone's house unsupervised. I caught him drinking about 8 months ago. I do not allow him to go to his 17 year old girlfriend's house at all because her father does not share my beliefs on parenting and I am aware that she has consumed alcohol too,over a year ago. Although I forbid my son to do these things I am pretty sure he does them anyway, and when I find out I ground him. He gets very good grades and I have little problems with him on other issues. Should I try harder to enforce these rules or is making a 17 year old constantly supervised and not allowing them to go to their girlfriends house impractical? Is it a bad idea for me to allow no supervision sometimes? He tells me I am not helping him become an adult by instituting these rules, which I do not plan on lifting until he goes to college. He says the rules should grow as he does. Should I keep these two rules and try and minimize times he can make bad choices, or give him a little more freedom?
Should a 17 year old never be unsupervised?...
- Thread starter max8635
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I feel 17 year olds are definitely able to take care of themselves. We let 12 and 13 year olds baby sit right? The concern here is what is happening at the other house. If it's a girlfriend it could be more than alcohol. You're not likely to stop him from going over there if he's determined to. Maybe instead of sitting down and telling him the rules, sit down and tell him why you are concerned. As well, offer to have the girlfriend over at your place, that way you can enforce the rules you prefer. You son seems like a decent kid, he's just growing up.
If he was caught he should know full well why you have the rules you do. I wouldn't lift it whatsoever. Especially since he's driving now too. I would tell him his girlfriend is more than welcome to spend time at your house but that's it.
IMO the best way to ensure he does the things you dont want him to do is to keep acting like a dictator. I think your son is right. The only place you an enforce YOUR rules is at your house. He's gonna do what he wants to do regardless of what you say. How will he act like an adult and make good decisions if you keep taking that ability away from him? You have less then a year to double check your work this far. What will happen when he's at college and your not there to make decisions for him? Streaking, drinking, smoking, sex...while you can GUIDE him let him make decisions.
I agree with you I'm just having difficulty enforcing these rules. It is difficult to always check if a parent is home, especially since some of his close friends have divorced parents, and he I often call him and he tells me he his at her house, but he says he was just picking her up, or she was just getting changed, or something else. The driving isn't that much of an issue because he usually rides his road bike anyway.Cthru said:
I say stay strict. He can make his decisions when he leaves the house, based on all the things you taught him while he was growing up. People talk like having a few rules like not letting him be at a girlfriends house without a parent and not drinking takes away all of his chances to make any decisions. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Kids have tons of decisions they make on their own every day. If you let kids especially that age have free reign on what they're going to do, they're going to do everything you don't want them to. We tell them not to because we know they'll do it if we don't. My mom never let me go to a boyfriend's house without a parent home. Usually even a friends house (but not always). I don't think I have to tell you what we'd be doing if no one was looking.
It will always be difficult to enforce the rules, but you know what's best for him, so just do your best to do what you can.
It will always be difficult to enforce the rules, but you know what's best for him, so just do your best to do what you can.
I think there can be a middle ground, since the GF parents house is out of the question, and I don't blame you, then make that one a no discussion rule, she can be welcome in your home any time but he isn't allowed at her house.
If there is a party I would let him go, but let him know that you will be checking for signs of drinking/drug whatever it is, once he gets home, if he gets caught breaking any one of the rules he will loose privalages A, B or C, ie,..driving a car, t.v time, anything that at the age of 17 isn't essential but a privalage.
I agree we can't control them all of the time, but we can make them think twice before they do something "dumb". And we can lay out exactly what consequences they will have if they break our rules.
If there is a party I would let him go, but let him know that you will be checking for signs of drinking/drug whatever it is, once he gets home, if he gets caught breaking any one of the rules he will loose privalages A, B or C, ie,..driving a car, t.v time, anything that at the age of 17 isn't essential but a privalage.
I agree we can't control them all of the time, but we can make them think twice before they do something "dumb". And we can lay out exactly what consequences they will have if they break our rules.
I'm sorry I think you misunderstand, he's not allowed at his girlfriends even with supervision.Xero said:I say stay strict. He can make his decisions when he leaves the house, based on all the things you taught him while he was growing up. People talk like having a few rules like not letting him be at a girlfriends house without a parent and not drinking takes away all of his chances to make any decisions. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Kids have tons of decisions they make on their own every day. If you let kids especially that age have free reign on what they're going to do, they're going to do everything you don't want them to. We tell them not to because we know they'll do it if we don't. My mom never let me go to a boyfriend's house without a parent home. Usually even a friends house (but not always). I don't think I have to tell you what we'd be doing if no one was looking.
It will always be difficult to enforce the rules, but you know what's best for him, so just do your best to do what you can.
Well, it's not easy. You could have them over your house, or when he goes to someone else's house just call their phone and ask to speak to a parent. My mom did that. She would call to make sure a parent was home by talking to them. Just check in on him. Stuff like that.
Hello,
I have been in your situation and it is hard to control certain situations bit I think that he needs to know that your rules are THE rules and no ecceptions(spell?)!! Stand stong and don't give in. Have you talked to the girlfriends parents? I think there should be some communication so that her parents know your limitations. Maybe you can work together.
Good luck,
Kim
I have been in your situation and it is hard to control certain situations bit I think that he needs to know that your rules are THE rules and no ecceptions(spell?)!! Stand stong and don't give in. Have you talked to the girlfriends parents? I think there should be some communication so that her parents know your limitations. Maybe you can work together.
Good luck,
Kim
In one year he will have the legal standpoint of being allowed to do whatever the hell he wants without your permission and if he feels suffocated by you, he sure as hell will use it.
Prepare him for that, let him make his own discisions to some extent. Obviously you can say what goes on in your house, but at that age, his discisions about what he does with his girlfriend are his choices, not yours.
Prepare him for that, let him make his own discisions to some extent. Obviously you can say what goes on in your house, but at that age, his discisions about what he does with his girlfriend are his choices, not yours.
I don't think there's a whole lot you can just outright say is "up to him and not his parents" at the age of 17. Unless you're too lazy to be a parent because at that age they're ABLE to make decisions, whether they're right or wrong. He's almost 18, he can do what he pleases (IF he's paying his own way in the world and not under his father's roof, I'd imagine) THEN. My mom always said if I wanted to do whatever I want and act like an adult, then I could move out, get my own place and a job and a car and everything else, like an adult. I wasn't going to live carefree like a kid but have the freedom that comes with being a hard working, responsible and educated adult. That's a good way to get your kids to live with you till they're 40.
"Do whatever you want even if I don't like it, and I'll house you, buy your food, pay for your doctor, drive you around, and everything else!" Yeah right. There's no reason your kids should control you like that. Freedom to do as you please comes with a price, and kids need to learn that in order to be successful.
If you think it's wrong, don't give him to OK to do it just so he's not mad at you. You can't let the fear of your kids being mad at you prevent you from doing your best to keep them from doing the wrong thing. Teenagers like to make you think they hate you, but the minute they need you, they love you to pieces. Appreciation is a hard thing for teenagers to grasp, but they'll get it later. Don't chicken out.
"Do whatever you want even if I don't like it, and I'll house you, buy your food, pay for your doctor, drive you around, and everything else!" Yeah right. There's no reason your kids should control you like that. Freedom to do as you please comes with a price, and kids need to learn that in order to be successful.
If you think it's wrong, don't give him to OK to do it just so he's not mad at you. You can't let the fear of your kids being mad at you prevent you from doing your best to keep them from doing the wrong thing. Teenagers like to make you think they hate you, but the minute they need you, they love you to pieces. Appreciation is a hard thing for teenagers to grasp, but they'll get it later. Don't chicken out.
First of all, drinking is not bad if done rarely and if you don't get drunk.
Second, a 17yo boy or girl shouldn't be supervised. They are 18 in a few months! How are they going to grow up if you supervise them all the time???
Third, if your son does such mistakes at 17, you haven't done your job quite well but it's not big deal because either way, he will see life without you and he will have to grow up fast. Too bad you haven't let him grow up while he was living with you.
You should allow drinking, you shouldn't allow him getting drunk. I was 15 when I drank with my friends but I never got drunk and I never had problems with parents.
Second, a 17yo boy or girl shouldn't be supervised. They are 18 in a few months! How are they going to grow up if you supervise them all the time???
Third, if your son does such mistakes at 17, you haven't done your job quite well but it's not big deal because either way, he will see life without you and he will have to grow up fast. Too bad you haven't let him grow up while he was living with you.
You should allow drinking, you shouldn't allow him getting drunk. I was 15 when I drank with my friends but I never got drunk and I never had problems with parents.
This is my first post here, so do forgive me if I'm doing something wrong.max8635 said:
I'm finding myself agreeing with him. You see when he goes to college you won't be there anymore to watch over him. Then because he finally gets to do this stuff, he'll go crazy. Which is something you don't want to happen. I know of so many teenagers back in my time who's parents extreme tight leash did more harm than good. If we don't give them responsibility and a bit of trust, they will never be able to stand up to others.
When I was 14 I went to a party and a group there was doing drugs. I was offer but because my mother had already talk to me about it, taught me what they do, and explain the dangers of it; I felt no pressure in saying: "No, thank you." and walked off. My mother drilled in my head how important it was for me to take control of my life and feel no pressure to cave into what others wanted you to do. She went on and on into how much she trusted me. She also explained that if I ever betrayed her trust it would be gone probably forever.
I know it's scary and not easy, but I think that at 17 he's old enough to know what's right or wrong. In regards to the drinking, I don't know exactly what to say. You see in my country the legal age for drinking is 18 and so culturally I see it in an whole different way.
Having raised a son and a daughter, and having a second daughter about to turn 16, I know that it's tough to let go and let them start to take responsibility for their own lives. But, when they get to be 16-17, they NEED to start taking on that responsibility, especially if we want them to know how to be productive, responsible adults once they turn 18. And, as parents, we also have to accept that they aren't going to be clones of us, and that means they aren't going to share all of our morals, values and standards. You can have house rules, and enforce them in your home, but you can't make rules for the homes of his friends, or enforce your rules when you aren't with him. He has to have the chance to INTERNALIZE right and wrong, and do the right thing because he knows it's right, not because he has a parent there in his ear telling him it's the right thing.
This is kind of a hard situation. He's 17. Next year he will be 18, then 19, then before you know it 23. he has one more year in highschool, and then its off to college/university.
I'm not saying to let everything slide, but i wouldn't be holding him so he can't breathe.
I'm not saying to let everything slide, but i wouldn't be holding him so he can't breathe.