Long story short: My 17 year old gets a fairly nice allowance and has to buy everything she needs herself from that money. I have always told her if she starts smoking the allowance is gone. I will not pay for cigs. I found out last week that she is smoking. I confronted her. She claims she tried it did not like it blah blah blah. I choose to believe her although I was skeptical. I have access to her email account and decided to take a peek. Low and behold the definitive email to her smoking buddy was there with statements like "I just kissed up to her, told her what she wanted to hear, told her I only started 2 weeks ago and have already quit =0 etc etc. So here is my problem: how do I let her know that I know and will of course stop the allowance without telling her that I have access to her email?
smoking and allowance...
- Thread starter Trixie
- Start date
I would just tell her the truth. You have every right to her e-mail she is a minor and as such must concede certain freedoms until she is an adult under her own power. That's easy for me to say my children are still young but I would like to think that's how I would handle it.
-Phil
-Phil
I would definatly take away her allowance as well as reiterate that whomever is selling her these cigerettes is comitting a crime that has serious penalties, as well as for her. I'm sure she already knows the dangers of smoking.
Now on to reading her email...I do not, under any circumstance promote this...and I do not agree with Phil that you have a right to do it. It is her personal email account, it's a violation of trust, it's like her reading your email, it's wrong. I read my daughter's diary one time (some of you may remember) and afterwards I wished I hadnt, because then my choices were to either tell her and lose her trust in me, or keep a lie from her for the rest of my life. Is that really something you want to do?
Now on to reading her email...I do not, under any circumstance promote this...and I do not agree with Phil that you have a right to do it. It is her personal email account, it's a violation of trust, it's like her reading your email, it's wrong. I read my daughter's diary one time (some of you may remember) and afterwards I wished I hadnt, because then my choices were to either tell her and lose her trust in me, or keep a lie from her for the rest of my life. Is that really something you want to do?
I agree with father of 6. I feel just terrible that I looked. She, as do we all, has a right to her privacy. It was by my mistake that I found out and therefore she will have to continue to get her allowance. I will however have a real keen eye on her and hope that she either makes a mistake quickly as so I can stop the allowance or that she really has quit. It is more the fact that she is so enjoying deceiving me. We have a good relationship and get along well. I do not know why she would want to hurt me so bitterly. Is this just normal? Am I just too sensitive? Teenagers do these things without thinking about the feelings of anyone else? Right?
A lot of teenager's dont see the long term consequences of their actions. If she already know's you read her email (if you already told her) then dont give her allowance....if you didnt tell her, than its up to you.
<r><QUOTE author="Jessie;73185"><s>
Exactly what I was just thinking. I quit smoking several times before I really quit 2 years ago. Once i tried to hide it from my wife for a few months (not my proudest moment) but then I finally came clean and told her that I was smoking and she said "I know". Now that I have quit I can tell if someone else smokes. The smell is awful to me.<br/>
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That being said there are probably ways that you can tell without reading her email. Even only smoking outside and all the cologne in the world couldn't hide it from my wife. <br/>
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Are there any other signs?</r>
</e></QUOTE>Jessie said:
Exactly what I was just thinking. I quit smoking several times before I really quit 2 years ago. Once i tried to hide it from my wife for a few months (not my proudest moment) but then I finally came clean and told her that I was smoking and she said "I know". Now that I have quit I can tell if someone else smokes. The smell is awful to me.<br/>
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That being said there are probably ways that you can tell without reading her email. Even only smoking outside and all the cologne in the world couldn't hide it from my wife. <br/>
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Are there any other signs?</r>
I agree and disagree, a diary is off limits, it is usually given to the child as a gift and the sole property of that child, the internet and it's usage is not a gift or a childs right, it is a public forum to some extent, so all activity on the computer/net is not a private thing. I will read my kids messages if I feel there is a need (I haven't had to do it yet, but would if I felt there was a need) and have all access to them.
Take the allowance away, and then she has to go through you for all purchases, it is illegal for her to smoke and illegal for anyone to buy and give them to her, and then there are the health risk, but I think the fact that she is breaking the law should be the bigger motivator.
Take the allowance away, and then she has to go through you for all purchases, it is illegal for her to smoke and illegal for anyone to buy and give them to her, and then there are the health risk, but I think the fact that she is breaking the law should be the bigger motivator.
Wow There are a lot of opinions out there. First off I found out because I heard her talking to a friend about buying cigs and I confronted her. Secondly, I too am very keen on how smokers smell (I am the only one in my family that did not smoke). This is why I was so shocked. I have never smelled it on her (and I do her laundry). Either she is only doing it when it is cool with her friends or she has some trick that I would like to market!!!
Thirdly i do have another thought: She is 17 . She will be finished with high school in June. Isn´t it time to start letting go and let her make her bad decisions? I just do not want to have to pay for them as well.
Thirdly i do have another thought: She is 17 . She will be finished with high school in June. Isn´t it time to start letting go and let her make her bad decisions? I just do not want to have to pay for them as well.
Trixie said:
I hear this same comment from a friend who's son has decided to take up smoking, and it really gets to me. Why is that because a child is 17 that we should just loosen the strings? They are still not an adult, if our jobs as parents were over at 17 then why must I keep feeding and clothing them? (retorical question) My job as there parent is never over, but what I can do for them does change once they are 18, so until then there are rules they will follow and there are laws of the land that they must obide.
My friends son got in trouble for smoking on school property, do you think the judge cared that he was almost 17? Nope he had fines to pay and community service and the judge made a point of saying to him that it is illegal. Sorry if this sounded harsh but I hate hearing that statement from parents.
I kind of see this as a lose lose situation.
On one hand what has been seen can not be unseen so that being said you know she is smoking and whats worse disrespecting you to her friends so it's not really about busting her it's more about helping her stop something before it gets out of control. If you tell her how you found out then she knows that you read her email. This is bad. If you don't then she continues to smoke and continues to think that she is putting one over on you. Which is worse. Only you know.
On the other hand I get where you are coming from as far as the making their own choices thing is concerned as well as the privacy issue.
It's a tough one. I fully intend to closely monitor my childrens internet usage for as long as they live with me regardless of their age. It's too dangerous not to. They'll know that so they probably won't say anything incriminating over the internet.
Don't know if this helps...just my two cents.
-Phil
On one hand what has been seen can not be unseen so that being said you know she is smoking and whats worse disrespecting you to her friends so it's not really about busting her it's more about helping her stop something before it gets out of control. If you tell her how you found out then she knows that you read her email. This is bad. If you don't then she continues to smoke and continues to think that she is putting one over on you. Which is worse. Only you know.
On the other hand I get where you are coming from as far as the making their own choices thing is concerned as well as the privacy issue.
It's a tough one. I fully intend to closely monitor my childrens internet usage for as long as they live with me regardless of their age. It's too dangerous not to. They'll know that so they probably won't say anything incriminating over the internet.
Don't know if this helps...just my two cents.
-Phil
And I agree with that judge. If they do something wrong then they have the consequences to pay. I do not see anything wrong with slowly letting the strings fall as opposed to just letting them drop at 18. This has of course gotten away from the original point of me wanting to stop her allowance. I think Philbilly has hit the nail on the head...It is a lose lose situation
Well there's Oust and odor neutralizers these days that I know some of my friends spray on them to go home to their parents after smoking pot and it seems to work.
I don't know, it's hard. You're going to tick her off if you tell her you read her e-mail, I mean she'll flip. I remember my mom doing that to me (I'm 21). It was more harmful to our relationship than anything else when she destroyed my sense of privacy. But I'm not saying you were wrong, because it's hard for me to say if I would do that or not. I mean, you just wanted to know if she was doing something harmful to her health and pretty much illegal. I wouldn't pay for that crap either you know. I would definitely take away the allowance, and I guess I would just tell her that I had definite and unquestionable reason that let me know she was smoking. Don't tell her exactly what. That might be hard, but just tell her you don't need to go into detail after she's done this to you. Sounds deceitful, but it's just an idea that pops into my head.
As for the nastiness of the e-mail and how she seems to enjoy it, etc. I want to say that it is pretty much normal. I'm certain I talked about my mom like that behind her back when I was a teen. I didn't really mean it and if she found it I would probably cry because I would feel awful. It's just the way they talk to their friends, honestly. It's nasty, mean, thoughtless, and unloving. But it's normal. We all do it, but in our hearts we love our parents.
How cool would it be if I looked at my friend in high school like "No I'm not gonna smoke, I love my mommy and I follow all the rules." We'd like to think they would. They wouldn't.
But it's not out of hate or because they want to hurt you. It's just cool, it makes them feel like they control their own lives. I think you know what I mean. I just don't want you to take that to heart, and I would bet a million bucks that if you approached her about it she would yell that you didn't understand. Because it's hard to understand. Just don't worry, she loves you.
Either way, good luck with her.
I don't know, it's hard. You're going to tick her off if you tell her you read her e-mail, I mean she'll flip. I remember my mom doing that to me (I'm 21). It was more harmful to our relationship than anything else when she destroyed my sense of privacy. But I'm not saying you were wrong, because it's hard for me to say if I would do that or not. I mean, you just wanted to know if she was doing something harmful to her health and pretty much illegal. I wouldn't pay for that crap either you know. I would definitely take away the allowance, and I guess I would just tell her that I had definite and unquestionable reason that let me know she was smoking. Don't tell her exactly what. That might be hard, but just tell her you don't need to go into detail after she's done this to you. Sounds deceitful, but it's just an idea that pops into my head.
As for the nastiness of the e-mail and how she seems to enjoy it, etc. I want to say that it is pretty much normal. I'm certain I talked about my mom like that behind her back when I was a teen. I didn't really mean it and if she found it I would probably cry because I would feel awful. It's just the way they talk to their friends, honestly. It's nasty, mean, thoughtless, and unloving. But it's normal. We all do it, but in our hearts we love our parents.
How cool would it be if I looked at my friend in high school like "No I'm not gonna smoke, I love my mommy and I follow all the rules." We'd like to think they would. They wouldn't.
But it's not out of hate or because they want to hurt you. It's just cool, it makes them feel like they control their own lives. I think you know what I mean. I just don't want you to take that to heart, and I would bet a million bucks that if you approached her about it she would yell that you didn't understand. Because it's hard to understand. Just don't worry, she loves you.
Either way, good luck with her.
I'm with <I>father of 6</I> on the subject of reading your children's private correspondence. It would royally piss me off if anyone read my emails (which are incredibly boring anyway) but it still is my personal email. IMHO, the first problem is the lesson you teach them. I can't later give them lessons in respecting others people correspondence, when I can't even do it myself. Then second problem is that it breaks the trust they have on you. It will only be natural that later they are more prone on hiding things from you.
Now you have a choice tell her and let her be royally piss off at you or live with your concience and not tell her. That's a decision only yours to make.
As for the smoking, you can try to play the guilt trip on her. Find opportunities to tell her how much you trust her. How you much you love her and how some people you know have so much trouble with their kids lying to them and you hope she has the confidence to come to you with any problem she has, blah, blah, blah. Trust me if she trully cares the guilt alone will kill her.
Also remember that she doesn't know that you can't smell the smoke. You can always go upfront and confront her.
Now you have a choice tell her and let her be royally piss off at you or live with your concience and not tell her. That's a decision only yours to make.
As for the smoking, you can try to play the guilt trip on her. Find opportunities to tell her how much you trust her. How you much you love her and how some people you know have so much trouble with their kids lying to them and you hope she has the confidence to come to you with any problem she has, blah, blah, blah. Trust me if she trully cares the guilt alone will kill her.
Also remember that she doesn't know that you can't smell the smoke. You can always go upfront and confront her.
I admit 100% that it is not right to read their mails. I have already said that I believe she has a right to her privacy and that I feel terrible that I did it and I will never tell her. Parents do make mistakes!!! On the other hand I had reason to be very concerned and knew that I may get some information by reading the email. In that case would you really just ignore that option because it is an infringement on their privacy! Maybe we have to do things that are not really right in order to make thinks right. I do not regret becoming a parent but I am honest with myself that it is the hardest most challenging thing that I have ever done.
Yeah, I mean it's one thing if you're reading your kid's diary to see if she has a boyfriend and what she thinks when she's lying in bed, etc. Smoking kills people, it's disgusting, and if nothing else very harmful to your health. No one wants their kids doing that. If I had reason to believe I could find out one way or another if my son was smoking by clicking on a link and typing in a password.... I'd have to say, I would probably do it. I would otherwise leave his stuff alone, mind you. And after I read it, I would find my reason to "catch" him and try my best to take care of it to protect him. I would feel a little bad about it, but not too bad. If he felt ok about deceiving me like that, he should be alright with a little taste of his own medicine.
It's not like you got on her e-mail and then confronted her like "Omg you snuck out with your boyfriend when you said you were at a friends house! You tell people I'm annoying! You skipped English class that one day! You cheated on a test!" Seriously. Smoking and the like is a little bit more serious then that, or that's how I feel anyway. It's not your right to tamper with your kids privacy UNTIL they give you a real concerning reason to do it. But that's just how I feel!!
It's not like you got on her e-mail and then confronted her like "Omg you snuck out with your boyfriend when you said you were at a friends house! You tell people I'm annoying! You skipped English class that one day! You cheated on a test!" Seriously. Smoking and the like is a little bit more serious then that, or that's how I feel anyway. It's not your right to tamper with your kids privacy UNTIL they give you a real concerning reason to do it. But that's just how I feel!!