Spying on your child?...

[soccermomma]

I recently installed flashcrest ispy on my daughter's laptop after I heard that she had been involved with a boy. She's only 14 and I really don't think she should be water her time flirting with boys on Facebook.

I am able to see what she types, her passwords, and record screen images using flashcrest ispy to see what she's been up to.

She's surpised me and i noticed that she really hasn't been doing anything too shocking for a young woman.

Does anyone think that I'm in the wrong for doing this? I think that if she was ever getting mixed up with someone online then this software would be a life saver. We didn't have internet back in my day so this wasn't a worry and my mom would always look through my diary anyway.

What do you think of installing software like flashcrest ispy and spying on a computer or tablet in general? Is it too far?

 

[cybele]

Personally I think you are wrong.

Reason being, you have a 14yr old, now, in my experience, your average 14yr old is capable of speaking. You gain more from being open with communication then you do from spying.

One is harder than the other, and takes more effort, but it shows trust, it shows respect, it forms bonds, it leaves lines open between parent and child and it builds and grows the relationship.

The other shows lack of trust, lack of respect, closes off lines of communication and generally makes the person being spied on feel violated.

For me, it is a very clear line of "absolutely do not do".

Not to mention, I really don't think that your average teenager is as naïve with the internet as we think. They were born into a computer generation, they have grown up with it, if by 14 they don't have some kind of sense about internet usage then there is a bigger problem (that won't be solved by spying, rather, education).

 

[texasparent]

One question: WHERE CAN I FIND ONE OF THESE?

My 15 yr old daughter who has never in her life been in any trouble other than from slipping grades and an occasional attitude was recently caught sexting perfect strangers on a dare from a peer. You can never be too careful. If you can let me know where to find one of these I will absolutely purchase and install it immediately on her laptop.

Thank you!

 

[TheOldMan]

Wow, that's a tough call. I think I would consider such a tool only in extreme circumstances, such as suspected criminal activity or something that would put my girl in real danger.

I can understand the temptation to use such tools, though.

 

[texasparent]

With all due respect to everyone's opinion, how is monitoring your child's internet usage wrong? They are still children at 14. In fact, imo at 14 or 15, they are at their most vunerable state. They are freshmen in hs most likely, being given new freedoms such as driving, etc. I dropped my guard and it was a huge mistake. I thought my daughter and I were very close but as it turns out, there was much I didn't know. In fact, when I looked at her internet history on her iPhone, I was shocked. They are also beginning to be more curious about sex, etc at this age. It seems to me that this is when we need to be at our highest level of alert. When my daughter was caught, she immediately complied with any and all filters I put into effect with no argument. She knew she had made a terrible decision and realized Mom is there to protect her, not intrude on her privacy. I have already put an internet filter on her phone but have not installed one on her laptop as of yet. I will certainly try out the program soccermomma used.

 

[ZionsRodeVos]

Is it possible your daughter agreed so readily because she already knows how to bypass or get around your filtering? And will what you put in place stop her from sexting again? I am not trying to criticize your actions but many teens these days know how to get around filters and such. Test what you put in place carefully.

As for setting up spying software on computers and laptops I am not comfortable with doing that. I believe it is far better to put parental controls on computers and find out if there is a way to limit WiFi usage in the home so that you set what can and can't be done in your home. If you can put parental controls on smart phones and tablets then that would work too.

 

[texasparent]

She may think she knows a way around them. I certainly hope she doesn't. We have also begun disconnecting our Wifi at night when we go to bed as an additional precaution. Filters/spyware - either works for me so long as I know she isn't able to bypass it. I have set up her devices so that anytime she takes a photo or opens an internet page, it duplicates itself onto my iPad. I also installed an app called K9 on her iPhone and it seems to work well. It disables the safari app and requires a passcode to disable the filter. I just think you cannot be too careful and imo a 14/15 yr old is not yet an adult and thus has very little privacy in my home. When she is on her own, she can have all of the privacy she wants. I can agree that you do not want them to feel you absolutely have no trust in them, but they should be monitored, especially when on the internet whether it is with spyware or a filter. Either way gets the same result in my book.

 

[soccermomma]

One question: WHERE CAN I FIND ONE OF THESE?

My 15 yr old daughter who has never in her life been in any trouble other than from slipping grades and an occasional attitude was recently caught sexting perfect strangers on a dare from a peer. You can never be too careful. If you can let me know where to find one of these I will absolutely purchase and install it immediately on her laptop.

Thank you!

The one I use is called "FlashCrest iSpy" and you can get it at www.flashcrest.com

 

[Andrew W.]

I would never spy on my 15-year-old daughter.

The problem with open communication vs. spying on children that age is that you only get to choose one of them. If they find out you are spying they will never tell you anything directly again.

Monitor them, certainly, but in an up-front and trusting way. You can't protect them from everything. What you need to do is give them the tools to make the right decisions when they are on their own. And they need to feel that they can turn to you for help no matter what trouble they may get themselves into, not that you are an enemy that they need to hide their lives from at any cost.

 

[cybele]

With all due respect to everyone's opinion, how is monitoring your child's internet usage wrong?

Well, I believe that it is for all the reasons I already listed.

I don't believe that teenagers need to be 'protected' to me that is counter-productive to them growing up. Guided yes, spied on, no.

I also completely agree with Andrew, it's one way or the other, and I believe that it is very hard to re-gain trust once it is broken in such a way. For the record, my goodness we have had screw ups in my house and we have many more to come, but they have to screw up to learn from them, and they have to feel that they can trust me and their father so they know that when they do screw up, we can help without judgement. So far, that has worked very well for us and I can say with all honesty that my kids have learned from their mistakes and are open with me and my husband, and each other, sometimes there are issues where my 13yr old prefers to speak to my 19yr old, and I have enough trust in my 19yr old to know that my 13yr old is in good hands.

By the way, most keyloggers and monitoring programs are very easy to bypass, I wouldn't waste so much time playing candy crush when I am on the counter at work if they weren't, and my computer knowledge doesn't hold a candle to your average teenager's.

 

[singledad]

Texasparent - It isn’t “wrong”, per se, IMO it’s just a very, very bad idea. For me, it’s all about respect.

I personally believe that one of the biggest gift you can possibly give your child, is to teach them that they are worthy of being respected as a person. That will foster self-respect, which, in turn, is the most powerful moral compass any person can have.

You don’t teach someone that they are worthy of respect by disrespecting them. And spying on someone is very, very disrespectful.

Also remember that in 3 short years she will be an adult. If you don’t allow her to make mistakes and learn from them now, she will make those mistakes when you are no longer there to help her and when, because she’s an adult, the stakes will be much, much higher. And because you will effectively be closing the communication channels now by showing her that you neither trust nor respect her, she will not feel able to lean on you either, when she makes those mistakes.

I would much rather have a relationship with my DD where she will have the courage to come to me and say “dad, I screwed up, what should I do?”, with the knowledge that I would be much more interested in helping her both fix it and learn from it than in punishing her, than to have one where she feels that she needs to hide stuff from me in order to stay out of trouble.

And yeah, key-loggers, if you know about them, are close to useless.

 

[texasparent]

Trying to delete this post - couldn't figure it out....I made a correction - see below.

 

[texasparent]

By the way, most keyloggers and monitoring programs are very easy to bypass, I wouldn't waste so much time playing candy crush when I am on the counter at work if they weren't, and my computer knowledge doesn't hold a candle to your average teenager's.

LOL! I like the candy crush comment.

I really do not know much about key loggers. I am just trying to make sure I monitor her activity as much as I can. The last thing I want is for her to be on the news as one of these teens who met up with someone they've been talking with on the net. I'm hoping it was just a passing thing with her and she scared herself enough to not try it again. Thank you all for the advice. I will certainly take it to heart.

 

[TheOldMan]

I'm afraid to think how much worse online threats and behavior will be by the time my girl is a teenager, so I can't say for sure how I'll handle it when the time comes. As an IT guy, though, I hope to be able to stay on top of of those threats and educate her on how to avoid them.

The biggest danger I see is the continuing devaluing of privacy. I want my girl to realize that the internet is forever, and she shouldn't say or do anything online that she wouldn't want posted on the bulletin board in her classroom.

 

[mom2many]

I've never monitored with anything other then some common sense.

Most spyware/parental controls can be bypassed. So instead I just have access to the computers. I pop on when they are on and see what they are doing. If I feel like it, I go through their history, but I have taught them how to behave online, and I've kept the lines of communication open.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

I don't believe in spying programs. But computers are MINE and I'm in control of their usage. also I keep them in communal area. Less temptation to make bad choices.

 

[texasparent]

I started out having electronics out of the bedroom but as they get older it becomes much more difficult. She knew what to steer clear of online - has heard all of the speeches, has seen the stories in the news where unfortunate things have happened to others when they got involved with strangers online. However, somewhere in that teenage mind of hers, she thought she would prove herself to not be the 'goody girl' anymore in front of her peer. It is a very scary world we live in. Technology has made things increasingly more difficult for both kids and parents.

 

[cybele]

The world was just as scary before, it just wasn't as easy for parents to find out what we were doing.

 

[IADad]

The world was just as scary before, it just wasn't as easy for parents to find out what we were doing.

and the speed with which someone can get themselves into trouble is compressed.

In the good old days when you had to hitch up the buggy at night to sneak off to the next town to meet up with that certain undersireable boy it took some time and planning.

Now, a group of girls (or boys) at a slumber parent can dare there way into a mess in pretty short order.

SO FAR - my approach is for my kids to know that I could monitor their devices at any time. I talk with them about not doing anything online they wouldn't do in person, and not talking to anyone they dont already know in person. These are things I have to remember to keep reinforcing. Right now, I don't feel the need to spy. It's not so much the spying as what we do in response to the information we find that seems more important to me.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

IMHO, children shouldn't be given items they can't use responsibly. Laptops of their own, smartphones, etc. we don't allow kids to drive cars or purchase cutlery, yet it seems perfectly acceptable to give them iPads with credit card details. Hello?