Spying on your child?...

[IADad]

IMHO, children shouldn't be given items they can't use responsibly. Laptops of their own, smartphones, etc. we don't allow kids to drive cars or purchase cutlery, yet it seems perfectly acceptable to give them iPads with credit card details. Hello?

agreed, now what can they use responsibly and how do they learn it?

To follow your analogy, we give kids progressive responsibility with cars, we don't just withhold them until they turn 21 then say, "Here you go, the freeway is over there."

So, what's the right age for what technology....personal choice with the maturity of the child, the effort the parent is willing to put into coaching and mentoring. My son has had his laptop since the age of 9, smart phone at 11. Along the way he has had situations that have been learning opportunities for him and I think he's better off for having gone through them. Now, would I let him sit up in his room with his laptop for hours alone without any oversight, of course not. We preach balance and responsibility.

I don't think there's a magic age - some 16 yos can't be trusted with a smartphone, some 10yos are ready.

 

[cybele]

IMHO, children shouldn't be given items they can't use responsibly. Laptops of their own, smartphones, etc. we don't allow kids to drive cars or purchase cutlery, yet it seems perfectly acceptable to give them iPads with credit card details. Hello?

Agree.

There was a thread on here recently about buying a laptop for a 14yr old and installing keyloggers on it which made zero sense to me.

I think individual items are something you work up to. If you're screwing around on the family computer and trying to sneak webcam photos of your boobs when no one is in the lounge, then why would I buy you a laptop kind of logic. This generation of children have been raised with technology, majority were born into a home with a computer, all bar two of my children don't know a world without the internet (and as if Azriel could remember it, Dita does recall the day we got it connected though). The other day I was cleaning out the trashpile that is my linen cupboard and found my old Nokia 3210 and I was trying to explain to Sasha how he would type his name using the numberpad and he was in hysterics, because he has never known a phone to not be a touchscreen with a keypad (he also asked if it was an iphone or android, and couldn't grasp the concept that it was neither).

Anyway, I strayed a bit there, the point is that technology is so abundant nowadays that they don't have to start with the 'highest risk' item. They don't need to use the ipad with the credit card details at 5 and they don't need to use the laptop with the webcam in their bedroom at 12 to learn how to use such items and the risks and responsibilities of such items. I think the problem is that we jump into things so quickly that we don't provide adequate foundation of knowledge, then when things do go wrong we slap a band-aid solution (such as keyloggers) over the top, rather than educating and speaking openly about said issues.

Not to mention that a lot of the teenage issues surrounding technology isn't limited solely to technology itself. Cyber-bullying usually doesn't begin and end with a computer, there usually is some real life bullying going on too, sexting doesn't begin and end with a phone, there usually is some sexual behaviour in real life too, searching for pornography doesn't begin and end with a computer because chances are that teenager is looking for answers to questions on the topic of sex, just looking in the wrong place. Which is another reason why I don't believe that spying via technology doesn't solve any issues, take the technology out and the issues are still there, which is why you need that trust and open-ness.

 

[pwsowner]

IMHO, children shouldn't be given items they can't use responsibly. Laptops of their own, smartphones, etc. we don't allow kids to drive cars or purchase cutlery, yet it seems perfectly acceptable to give them iPads with credit card details. Hello?

Exactly

You start by helping them do things on the computer, then over time the day will come when you need to trust him/her enough to give some privacy. Until you think they are ready, don't. Just like everything else, we have to teach them how to use computers and Internet respectively and safely.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

there is no "magical age", there are pretty many very immature adults. however, there is such thing as simply too young. you can't expect a child not to act childish or teens to be disinterested in opposite sex. the problem is not only inappropriate content or stranger danger, but also losing or breaking things, even getting mugged. a young kid with a fancy phone or gaming device is a perfect target for criminals.

 

[Avianmosquito]

Personally I think you are wrong.

Reason being, you have a 14yr old, now, in my experience, your average 14yr old is capable of speaking. You gain more from being open with communication then you do from spying.

One is harder than the other, and takes more effort, but it shows trust, it shows respect, it forms bonds, it leaves lines open between parent and child and it builds and grows the relationship.

The other shows lack of trust, lack of respect, closes off lines of communication and generally makes the person being spied on feel violated.

For me, it is a very clear line of "absolutely do not do".

Not to mention, I really don't think that your average teenager is as naïve with the internet as we think. They were born into a computer generation, they have grown up with it, if by 14 they don't have some kind of sense about internet usage then there is a bigger problem (that won't be solved by spying, rather, education).

THIS.

I'm of the opinion that everything has a value, and there's always a point where it is not worth the cost. This is one of those things. Meddling in your daughter's affairs is NOT worth ruining your relationship with her. It never has been and it never will be. I come from a family where each generation despises the last because of this exact kind of behaviour. Nobody is better off for it. I speak from experience (on the other end) when I say that if she really wants to do something you aren't going to stop her. You're just going to make her hate you for trying.

 

[babysitter]

<r>Unless you suspect your child may be (or may get his or herself) in a dangerous situation and he or she will not divulge the information you need to properly access and deal with (or avoid) the situation, I advise against spying on your child. When a child's caregiver, a person he or she trusts, and/or a person he or she looks up to engages in deceitful behaviour such as spying, it may breed trust problems (and/or other behavioural problems) in the child as well as cause him or her acute emotional distress<B><s></s>—<e></e></B>perhaps even lasting psychological damage.</r>

 

[MarkLakewood336]

I know that a lot of parents spy on their kids these days but I really struggle with this issue. If you're engaged in this behavior primarily because you do not trust your daughter, then I would think that this technique is totally wrong. Parents need to develop trust with their kids without having to spy on them. If you engage in this behavior to keep your daughter safe from others, then that is a completely different story. However, I still believe that there would be a trust factor involved if and when your daughter learns that you are engaged in this type of behavior. The bottom line is that if we want to develop a mutual respect with our kids, we need to engage in behavior that allows trust to manifest.

 

[texasparent]

http://www.myfoxhouston.com/story/23235358/2013/08/22/missing-teens-case-underscores-need-for-parental-vigilance[/url]

 

[lolly jone]

no one can understand your situation unless he is getting through similar experience
i suppose it would be better to trust your act as a mum who is really want the good for her princess, i would do the same
the really matter thing is: don't you ever tell her you have done that once, she will not understand right now, may be she will when she gets to your age

 

[cybele]

http://www.myfoxhouston.com/story/23235358/2013/08/22/missing-teens-case-underscores-need-for-parental-vigilance[/URL]

Could that not have been resolved by parents having open communication with their kids and proper education?

 

[IADad]

Could that not have been resolved by parents having open communication with their kids and proper education?

agreed. I don't think anyone is saying, don't be involved, don't be aware, the issue of the OP was whether to be covertly aware or not.

I don't think the news link case makes any point about spying or not.

There are dangers everywhere - and there are more or less appropriate ways to deal with those dangers - and there are rarely perfect methods of preventing tragedy.

Kids hide stuff from us - I'm not a development expert, but I believe that's all part of growing up, being independent. What we teach and continually reinforce with out kids about integrity does a lot more good than simply enforcing our rules or trying to catch them being bad.

My 11 yo is on instagram and pintrest - it would be counter-productive for me to ban him categorically from participating. I think it's doing much more good to be engaged with him about who his friends are there, what security settings he's using and what he's posting. We've had a couple of instances where he has had to not follow the crowd bashing someone and an instance where he posted some inane thing about hating school (which isn't even what he understood it to mean) so it was an important lesson about the fact that people will make judgments about you based on what you post, so you'd better be sure it's something you want your name associated with. Frankly, I'd rather be having little introductions to these topics at this age, rather than waiting until teens and then trying to control the flood waters.

 

[dadtom]

Now this is my view on the topic so please don't rage if you don't agree.
You would know if your child did something wrong at your local park, at school or in your home. However great computers are parents can't see what you are doing. I see no problem in this software though I urge you to be honest and tell your daughter. You can always put the software in a file with a password on it, that way she can't delete it. maybe her knowing she is being watched will improve her behaviour online for more then just when you can see what she is doing.