Step parent/step child discipline......

[txstepmom]

Xero, are you a step parent? Do you have children who spend time with a step parent?? My original questions were aimed at people who are in a similar situation as me so just curious about your status.

I realize that having K a limited amount of time hinders many things. It's hardest on her. However, whether we have her every day or every other weekend, she won't be allowed to lie, get belligerent, disrespectful or disobedient in our home and get away with it simply b/c she's only there for a couple days at a time. That would just seem like a recipe for disaster.

As I've said a few times, K doesn't get spankings for every misstep, not even close, so don't go on about that. When she is with us and the situation warrants a spanking (again, that's not often), she'll get one - that is DH's choice and he usually carries it out. The rare times I've been the only one home to deal with such a situation, he backs me up. It simply doesn't matter how often she's with us. That said, I never raise my voice at her, I do not "stoop to her level" and argue with her, I do not punish her out of anger and she's almost always given a choice to correct herself before discipline in any form is administered. It has nothing to do with "proving her wrong" b/c BM says I can't. That's just childish. I'm not going there.

The 1st time I spanked her it was for somehow managing to get ahold of one of my razors (and trust me, I still don't know how she ever reached it) and shaving off her eyebrows! She could've damaged an eye or cut her face! The 2nd time I spanked her was for lying to my face (not her 1st try at lying by any stretch) and continuing to lie when she knew she was caught.

It's interesting to me that most opinions lean toward "if her BM doesn't want her to be spanked in your home, then you shouldn't". My husband has just as much weight in that decision as BM does. Is his opinion less meaningful? He's not just a "weekend father". He's always been very involved with K so why should he have any less influence on how she is raised?

Busy day and weekend ahead... hope all of you have a good one!

 

[TabascoNatalie]

from what you described in the other thread, it seems that this child has serious emotional issues. Maybe family counselling would be apropriate?

It's interesting to me that most opinions lean toward "if her BM doesn't want her to be spanked in your home, then you shouldn't". My husband has just as much weight in that decision as BM does. Is his opinion less meaningful? He's not just a "weekend father". He's always been very involved with K so why should he have any less influence on how she is raised?

I don't exactly understand -- do you want BM to admit, that YOU have the same rights to spank?
I'm afraid, the bio parents have this (maybe) unfair advantage to get away with things where step- or adoptive parents have to work much harder. I'd say, if father wants to spank her, you step aside -- let him handle the situation as well as the conflicts with his ex. You don't need that.

 

[Xero]

No, I'm not a step parent and my husband and I are together parenting our children. I'm sorry I can't offer up the perspective that you're looking for. I just find it not too difficult to put myself in BM's shoes (since I am a birth parent) and I don't see ever being comfortable with a step parent spanking my child. That includes if I were to remarry as well, I'm not playing favorites. I just don't see that ever sitting well with me.

Your DH has every right to spank her, because yes he is a birth parent as well and has the right to make those decisions. I do not think he has the right to decide that you can do it. I think that he and his ex both should come to an agreement as to who is allowed to spank her.

Still though, I find it sad that he only sees her not even a whole week out of the month and still finds it necessary to spank her (even if it's not often). I personally would be extremely disappointed in my ex that he can't spend such little time with our daughter without hitting her. Not that he wouldn't be allowed, just that I find it disappointing (although I realize that we are all a product of our own upraising, so this is probably the way that he knows how to discipline). I can see where BM is coming from on all of that. Although I don't understand why she herself obviously abuses the child, using belts and letting her new partner leave bruises on her and such. Obviously I am coming from my own point of view as a parent that doesn't feel the need to use physical punishment. She is clearly the pot calling the kettle black.

I'm sorry I guess I just feel really bad for her after your description of how badly she is treated in her main home, and then she comes to your house and gets hit again still. I understand it is not often though, as you have stated. I must have been picturing this as happening more often, due to the reason you spanked in her this instance (throwing a fit, which kids do all the time). I apologize for assuming. I do think there are better ways though, and I'm sure that deep inside she would appreciate the break to know that coming to your house she will be safe from getting hit. Just my opinion though, obviously she will be fine and is still cared about and loved if you continue to do things the way you do them.

 

[Mom2all]

I feel like I have to say that I agree with Xero here on several points. I am not being judgmental when I say that I feel like you might need to rethink few things. As much as I imagine that you and your husband wish that you had her more, having a child 4-6 days a month is not raising her. Its visiting. In your 2 weekends, unfortunately, you would be lucky to have 48 hours of awake time to spend with her a month. Chances are, your not going to have that much influence on the rest of her world. Thats why I think that you have to pick exactly what your small influence to be. She's ten. By the time she's 15 and driving and would rather be off with friends than visiting with Dad and you, you'll have had 240 days of visits with her in these 5 years. 120 days if you count that half of that she'll be sleeping through. What life long effect can you get out of 240 days? Use them wisely.

My father raised me. I visited with my mom 1 day a week growing up. She was my place to go when I wanted to talk. She spoiled me a little. I learned to call her no matter what I'd gotten myself into and she'd come get me without judgment. She might give a little lecture, but that was it. Sometimes, I think, without anything else to really offer, a safe place is a perfect thing to be.

And again, not trying to be judgmental, just offer a different perspective. Not having her everyday is also a hard thing for you to be able to get it from your daughters view. Little girls mimic the women in their life. For instance, shaving the legs would be completely normal to me. I did it because my Mom did. My sister wore my Mom's bra to school in 3rd grade. Stolen squirts of perfume and sneaks of lipstick are completely normal. My daughter got my razor too and tried to shave her under arms because I did. That to me was not punishable. I bought her a child's plastic one and we shaved together.

And its been told to me a hundred times that if I believe what a child tells me without doubt, then I'm a fool. Children lie. I can't think of one out of my six that has stood before me and owned up every time they were wrong. They fear the consequence. They fear your disappointment. The same as you would deny that you really think your friends new favorite dress makes her look like an exploded can of biscuits on legs. A little understanding along with teaching her a better way to handle it will go a long way.

 

[Xero]

The same as you would deny that you really think your friends new favorite dress makes her look like an exploded can of biscuits on legs.

OMG this made me seriously laugh at my computer screen!!! Good thing nobody was around to give me funny looks lol.

I stole my mom's razors before too, probably around her age in fact. I think that's very normal. And actually, I also shaved my eyebrows!! lol I personally don't see that as a reason to spank, to me I would just talk to her about it and then let her live her own consequences when her friends see her at school the next day.

Oh I forgot to say earlier, 18 month olds need only to be told "no" and then redirected. They have a very short memory span and a very low level of understanding of actions and consequences. Flicking or hitting them is just mean. IMO Not to mention they will mimick the behavior.

 

[Mom2all]

@Xero... Someone came to mind didn't they? :yikes: heheheee

 

[momtoallkids]

OMG this made me seriously laugh at my computer screen!!! Good thing nobody was around to give me funny looks lol.

I stole my mom's razors before too, probably around her age in fact. I think that's very normal. And actually, I also shaved my eyebrows!! lol I personally don't see that as a reason to spank, to me I would just talk to her about it and then let her live her own consequences when her friends see her at school the next day.

i had to laugh, my step son(ya go ahead, laugh away) stole my razors one day. tried shaving his face. gave himself a nice cut and tried to say he fell. as the day went on, we noticed that he also tried to shave his legs, arms, and chest. he was 8 at the time. it wasnt something we could punish him over. while his mom and i were cracking up his dad had the "man" talk with him.

Oh I forgot to say earlier, 18 month olds need only to be told "no" and then redirected. They have a very short memory span and a very low level of understanding of actions and consequences. Flicking or hitting them is just mean. IMO Not to mention they will mimick the behavior.

i totally agree. my son is roughly 1.5 now. he doesnt grasp the consept of no at all. hes going through the slapping and hair pulling stage. i usually grab his hand, tell him no and then do "nice mama". after about 20mins he gets it. however he does realize that he hurt me at least i think he does because after he will give me a kiss and cuddle(which is not like him) as if he was sorry. there have been times, like when he attacks one of his siblings, that i will stick him in his chair facing the wall for a min or so and tell him if hes gonna hit he cant play and he usually gets it and stops. the last time he actually hit one of them was a few months ago. he doesnt like not being able to play with everyone else. once he figured out that when he hits one of them he isnt allowed to play anymore he stopped.

 

[momtoallkids]

i screwed that up somehow and my comment ended up in the quote. sorry! lol

 

[Incogneato]

i totally agree. my son is roughly 1.5 now. he doesnt grasp the consept of no at all. hes going through the slapping and hair pulling stage. i usually grab his hand, tell him no and then do "nice mama". after about 20mins he gets it. however he does realize that he hurt me at least i think he does because after he will give me a kiss and cuddle(which is not like him) as if he was sorry. there have been times, like when he attacks one of his siblings, that i will stick him in his chair facing the wall for a min or so and tell him if hes gonna hit he cant play and he usually gets it and stops. the last time he actually hit one of them was a few months ago. he doesnt like not being able to play with everyone else. once he figured out that when he hits one of them he isnt allowed to play anymore he stopped.

LOL, I told our 9mo DS the other day "NO" in a very firm tone as he was going over to play with the blinds/cords again for the 9 millionth time .. he stopped mid-crawl..sat on his butt, looked at me and cried.

He didn't go over to the blinds.. so I am not sure if he understood via my tone or he's learning what the word no means

 

[Mom2all]

LOL, I told our 9mo DS the other day "NO" in a very firm tone as he was going over to play with the blinds/cords again for the 9 millionth time .. he stopped mid-crawl..sat on his butt, looked at me and cried.

He didn't go over to the blinds.. so I am not sure if he understood via my tone or he's learning what the word no means

You've probably already done it but in case you haven't thought about it... Tie the cords up high!

I'm a 911 dispatcher. We lost a child that accidentally hung himself on the cords to a blind. .

 

[Incogneato]

Yeah we took the cord off and just have that single bar to move all of the blinds now...

 

[momtoallkids]

LOL, I told our 9mo DS the other day "NO" in a very firm tone as he was going over to play with the blinds/cords again for the 9 millionth time .. he stopped mid-crawl..sat on his butt, looked at me and cried.

He didn't go over to the blinds.. so I am not sure if he understood via my tone or he's learning what the word no means

its the tone of voice. jake does it too. if i say something stern he will sit look at me and start to cry but if i say it in a differnt tone he wont lol. hes funny like that.