Tackling Bullying at schools...

[Shaun Austin]

Hi Fellow Parents,
Bullying at school is a big issue for our youngest two. Cameron is in year 4 while Maddie is starting year 3. Orriganally we sent both of them too the same school. They both went to the local primary school which serves children from the age of 4 right up to age 11. In the first year Cameron had no issues and got on happily, Maddie came up the next year and that was when the issues at the school started. Both kids were getting a lot of abuse from other children and often came home in tears or with bruises. When we took the issue to the school, they said they would deal with the issue, however nothing changed. It got to the point where both kids were scared to go to school, we decided that it would be best to take them out of that school and put them into another school. We moved them to a school which provided for the same age group and was within 10 minute driving distance. However we had a similar experience, both of our kids were abused and bullied, the school yet again promised to fix the issues yet failed. Again Cameron and Maddie were scared to go into school. We decided that it was time we moved them again. This time we moved them to different schools. Maddie went to a school which provided for age 4-7, and cameron went to a school which provided for age 7-11. Last school year was okay however yet again the bullying has started again. Both kids have said they really don't want to go to school, and there are no more schools within suitable distance. The school they are at now is 20 minutes distance by car. We have been left with no choice but to look at alternatives to state school. We have two options. Option A a Private school (Queen Ethelburga's School, that is about 40 minutes drive from our house, which cost's around £2,795.00 per child, or £8,915.00 if boarding). or option B would be to home school. Which may also effect us finacially as either me or Charlotte (my wife) will have to leave our career. Not only this but Home Schooling will be a challenge when child number 5 comes along in June. We would really like to hear what you have to say about this matter or for your advice

 

[TabascoNatalie]

If it keeps happening, especially after you switched schools, maybe there is a specific reason why your kids are targeted?

 

[cybele]

I'd be looking more into what is going on honestly, that is really unusual for both children to be bullied, not only emotionally but physically at all three schools. There has to be a piece to the puzzle that you're missing.

 

[Shaun Austin]

We have looked at all the possibilities but as you can guess theres no knowing exactly whats going on because we're not there to witness it. We have however had some suspicions as to what the cause is. These include:

-Maddie has dyslexia, ruled out because so does Sam and hes never experienced bullying on the same level, and doesn't explain Cameron getting bullied

-Our 'well of' lifestyle all of the schools our chidren have been to provided for both the rich and the poor in our local areas. However we thought at that age money wasn't really something that was an issue and bullying isn't a big issue at the current school generally (a good friend used to work there).

-the fact we're strong christians and both my father and Charlotte's father are church Pastors, and we bought up our children in church. But again the same conclusion that faith is not really a big thing as all the schools were predominatly white

-Arguments over personal belongings wouldn't get this serious, most kids would just nick the item/s (nothing has gone missing that we know of).

We're running out of options and arn't sure what to do as I said above it has got to the point where neither child wants to go to school and we're left looking at other options. We're not big experts in the area of bullying as our older two never really had serious issues with bullying, and at the Sixth Form College (16-19 year olds) I work in has never had a bullying issue as serious as this (at least not in my time there).

 

[parentastic]

I am getting that you have recurring bullying problems with your two youngest ones, at 7 and 8 years old, right? As both Nathalie and Cybele noted, when its recurring for 3 schools in a row, it's probably not a coincidence. So I imagine that private school isn't going to help that much more either.

Bullying - to various degrees - is unfortunately very present in every school, and the same kids are usually targeted. They are the ones who are both different (for many reasons), lonely (no friend support network to protect them), and easy to corner (small, seems weak, won't defend themselves, emotional, etc).

To address this issue, you need to investigate the bullying in much more details. What <I>kind</I> of bullying do they suffer? What kind of bad jokes and bad mouthing are kids using against them? What makes them different? You need details about their daily interactions. Have they told you the details? When does it happen? The frequency? The topics? How do they react when it happen? Do you know if they have made friends? Are their friends bullied too? Have you met their friends? Have you organized parties and invited their friends for sleep-overs? If they don't have friends, how come?

Let us know and perhaps we can help further.

 

[Shaun Austin]

In the beginning they would tell us but I think as its got worse and happened at more and more they have closed up about this subject. Now and again we will get names and it seems to be the same 5 or 6 people who keep appearing.

Both kids are not violent Cameron does Martial Arts (Karate and Judo) but they're not generally violent. Neither are good at 'normal sport' (football, rugby, tennis, badminton, etc) but are good at watersport and gymnastics (not taught till year 6 and then not until year 12) these sports tendancies run in the family. Callum and Cameron take part in diving (like me) and maddie is a swimmer and gymnast. This makes them different because they're not 'normal sports' that many kids do.

Friends have never been an issue they have always had friends around them, many of them are like them and experienced bullying. However we find that both kids get attacked either when they're on their own or in front of their siblings (Maddie moved up to Cameron's school this year - wasn't made too clear up above i don't think). So often we find they both get invloved in the same incident, as one protects the other as I suppose is natrual.

 

[parentastic]

So what happens when they are bullied?

 

[Shaun Austin]

Quite often it starts with names and then often one will intervene at which point it gets violent. When they're on their own all sorts can happen. I don't know the full details because we are never told anything by the school, our kids tell us some stuff but won't give us much detail into what happens. The kids are scared more than anything that telling may cause more trouble. Sam told us that Cameron told him that they're scared that the bullies will come and get them if they say anything, so I think there are threats going on. Sam witnessed one incident and stopped it, he has helped with us finding some of the culprits and we handed them over to the school, the latest school has done more we're glad to say but its still a big problem.

 

[akmom]

It sounds like your kids are unable to articulate what happened, let alone discern the causes. I think you need to be there. In my experience, schools encourage parents to volunteer. (And as I understand it, you also have experience working with children.) If it's happening at recess, perhaps you can be the parent volunteer at recess. If you're present in the classroom, especially in situations where students interact, perhaps you will notice some things your children do that seem to set off their peers. You can discuss it with them at home and help illuminate what you see as triggers, so they can avoid them.

I do believe it's possible to have a school without bullying. My daughter's school has none, because it's a priority there. They discuss what putdowns are and how it makes people feel, as part of the classroom instruction - not just when offending students are caught in the act. Non-verbal putdowns are also forbidden (such as rolling your eyes at someone). If a teacher, volunteer, or student witnesses a putdown, they intervene and help the students formulate a response that does not hurt another's feelings. (For example, if a student doesn't want to play with another student, they cannot say, "I don't want to play with you." They must say, "Okay, but only for five minutes," or "Not now, but how about next recess?") My own daughter was hurt when some of her friends wouldn't include her at recess, and the principal spoke with them about how it made my daughter feel, and then they included her. Just a few weeks later she ended up doing the same thing to another student and was corrected; I was also informed so I could reinforce the lesson at home.

You might find that your children are doing things, unbeknownst to them, that offend others and prompt a backlash that they perceive as bullying. The only way to know is to be there, I think.

 

[Shaun Austin]

Thats an interesting idea. My wife likes the idea and as volunteers are usually people who come in to offer skills to teach students she has agreed to pitch an idea to the Head Teacher (Principal) where she will offer talks on animal cruelty and caring for animals (being a vet this is something she has expertise in). I would have jumped at the chance but my current job is during school hours. Charlotte will also be on maternity leave from April so that will mean she can be there for more hours. Thank you akmom

 

[TabascoNatalie]

Indeed sounds like a big problem getting even bigger. Is it possible for you to audit some classes at school or watch cctv footage, so you can see for yourself what is going on.

1) my first thought was that maybe the kids have certain behaviors and characteristics which don't go well with others. For example, annoying manners or something, e.g. <I>teacher's pet</I>. It may not be actually wrong, or not a problem at all in a family, but in groups of peers simply unnacceptable.

2) if violence gets physical, it is big fault of teachers. It means kids are being neglected. Of course, school won't necessarily admit it, as it is an embarassment.

3) know your rights. No child deserves to be brutalized. Don't back down if the school tells you "bullying does not happen here". Find help from various organizations which deal with discrimination, like racism, religious hate, etc. Maybe local press would be interested.

 

[singledad]

Just a thought - it could well be that the fact that they were bullied before is what makes them vulnerable to be bullied again...

Let me explain.

Being bullied is very destructive for a child's self esteem. It may have caused them to become quiet and withdrawn at school. The quiet, withdrawn kids are the kids who become outsiders and who get bullied. Can you see how this can become a vicious cycle?

Unfortunately I don't know how to turn it around...

 

[TabascoNatalie]

Bulying is really destructive, it even KILLS. It is important to tackle the reason. There can be a great variety of them.
I think, bullying hasn't been such an epidemic, until it became politically incorrect to fight back

 

[nwcrazy]

Indeed sounds like a big problem getting even bigger. Is it possible for you to audit some classes at school or watch cctv footage, so you can see for yourself what is going on.

1) my first thought was that maybe the kids have certain behaviors and characteristics which don't go well with others. For example, annoying manners or something, e.g. <I>teacher's pet</I>. It may not be actually wrong, or not a problem at all in a family, but in groups of peers simply unnacceptable.

2) if violence gets physical, it is big fault of teachers. It means kids are being neglected. Of course, school won't necessarily admit it, as it is an embarassment.

3) know your rights. No child deserves to be brutalized. Don't back down if the school tells you "bullying does not happen here". Find help from various organizations which deal with discrimination, like racism, religious hate, etc. Maybe local press would be interested.

This is what I suspect as well. The original poster said that they're very strong Christians. So I'm wondering if this is, in some way, affecting how their kids are relating to other kids. Do the other kids at the school(s) have parents who are equally strong Christians?

So yeah, my first thought is that (perhaps) the kids are doing something out of the norm that "bugs" the other kids. For example, do they tattle a lot. But more investigation is definitely necessary.

 

[Shaun Austin]

These are things to think about. Now I'm don't entirely know if the bullying is due to the fact we are christian because both older boys have managed school with no isses on the same scale, being bought up in the same way as Cameron and Maddie.

We will be on to all the schools expecially the current one to see what is going on and what has gone on with the dealing with the bullying. We kept records of the amount of times things were reported so we will ask for the reports the school should have made, and the records of incidents and see what was dealt with and what was not.

Thanks for your help
Shaun A

 

[parentastic]

About the christian ubgringing: how your older kid did not get bullied at the same age is not an argument: this was 10 years ago and the culture is evolving FAST in schools. What may have been acceptable in school X a decade ago may be prone to ridicule and ostracising tiday at the same age group.

But i think the heart of the issue here lies in the "undiscussables".
Why aren't your kids feeling fully open and ready to tell you everything that happened? The very fact you don't have these details is a key symptom.

Singledad noted how it can become a self fulfilling promphecy, as children with low self esteem attract bullies in search of easy victims; this in turn destroys their self esteem, and here goes the spiral.
To get out of this vicious cycle, you need to get involved at a much deeper level with your kid's emotions. You need to help them peocess these difficult events, have them open up ro tell you the words and behavior used against them, the wirds and brgaviour they used to respond, how they felt, if they thought it could be true (and why its not!) etc..
Only be doing so can they get over it and learn to face their bext bully, feeling fully backed emotionnally by you.

As for how toget them to open up: that tequires active listening (google it!) as simply asking them questions will most likely make them more defensives.

Getting involved in school may also work wonders to help you observe. But keep in mind that intervening to orevent a bullying on the spot, although critical, does not replace the need to process past events and learn how to face future ones on their own.

 

[Shaun Austin]

I totally agree with you on the fact that they need us as parents to be there emotionally. As a counsellor I have always known this and as yet my attempts have failed. I do think that they are dealt with as best as possible but at the same time I don't want to treat this situation overly professionally. At the end of the day, the last thing we want is for them to think we're psycho analysing them or something. yesterday they did open up to Sam who said to us he would try to get them to talk with us so fingers crossed that will happen.

 

[nwcrazy]

@Shaun Austin---

I don't mean to keep "harping" on the strong Christian thing; and, I don't want you to take it the wrong way.

But I was wondering if you or your significant other are strict with your young kids?

It's just that (as others have said) sometimes kids with low self-esteem and withdrawn tendencies, will elicit an unfavorable response from other kids.

 

[Shaun Austin]

No thats one thing we have maintained with all our kids, we will never be strict. We have always maintained that guiding our kids and letting them learn from their mistakes has always been the best way of bringing them up it builds a respect between us and them and in theory (which worked with Sam and Callum) makes them more open and trusting in us that we won't shout at them if they do something wrong. I think it is important that parents don't use their power over kids to scare them into behaving because as a teenager they will just rebel (its the natrual reaction) so we have always made sure our kids are treated as humans not just as kids.

 

[PianoLover]

Hey I remember seeing this 15 minute presentation when it came out and thinking it was excellent, I hope you all find it useful to:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSMdht9K3CE