taking the kids out of the country...

[Antoinette]

firstly guys, sorry i have been away for a while. i had a tough time after the miss carriage and i with drew from the forum a bit and if i am being honest i withdrew from life but then i remembered i have two amazing children who need a happy mummy who loves them and i started to do things again and be happy again and then i guess things got really good and i didn't really have to ask for help for a while..

now to the problem at hand.

David has asked me if he and Courtney (the New girlfriend) can take the kids out of the country for a month. Felix just turned 3 and Alegra is 2 in March...
i think that a month is too long to be away from me at this age. David says that they are his kids too and he has the right to take them to America to see his mother (their grandmother) which i do agree with but they stay with me all week and see him on Sundays and mondays and then are back with me throughout the week. i think that this is their routine and to take them away from me for an entire month would not be healthy for them and wouldn't benefit them at all.

because David and i do not actually have a custody agreement there is no legal reason he can't take them is there? and i don't really want to take this to court because he is finally becoming a real part of their life and seeing them every week instead of just every now and then so i don't want to make him withdraw from them again but i don't want him to take them all the way to America for a month either... what do i do?

 

[MomoJA]

I agree with you that a month is too long to take them, but I'm sorry that I do not have any advice. The only thing I can suggest is that you offer him a compromise. Suggest that they can go for 2 weeks instead. That's still a long time, and I don't know how it would work. I'm sure you wouldn't want them to fly home as unaccompanied minors, and I don't think they even let them do that at that age.

I don't suppose he is rich and can fly you over as well and put you up in a hotel for a month. That would be the ideal compromise.

 

[Antoinette]

Nope, if he is secretly rich i would like more money too look after his kids each month lol... Yeah I don't know how it will work either but at least someone agrees with me that it is too long.

 

[singledad]

Well, firstly they would both need passports, and if your laws are like ours both parents have to sign for a passport for a minor. Now, considering they your laws are amazingly often like ours (I guess we have to thank Brittain for that) the chances of him actually managing to take them without your consent are pretty slim.

That doesn't really solve your problem though. As an actual solution, I'll agree with mom2many about shortening the period. But I don't really have a solution for getting them back home... I don't suppose it would be possible for you to fly there and accompany them back, would it?

 

[alter ego]

Both of us had to sign for passports for our kids, but there was no restriction after that.

 

[IADad]

First - Welcome back - We missed you.

Now, I do agree with you that it's a long time and yes it will mess up their routine, but 2 weeks will mess up their routine too. The good thing is that this is a great age to mess with their routines...I mean it's not like they have to get up and go to school the dat after they return.

Now, from David's perspective, if I were flying to America, I'd certainly want to spend more than 2 weeks. That's a long trip and no doubt expensive and one he's not going to make again for some time. So, yes a month is a long time, but I wonder, is it hard on the kids or hard on you? Just asking you to think about that. Perhaps 3 weeks would be a compromse?
As for rights and such, after you settle the passport issues, I would want to have something that ensures they'll return. I don't mean to cause an alarm, but if you both have equal custody right now, what's to stop him from saying, "You know what, mom said she wants us to stay, so we're going to stay." I mean eventually their Visas would run out, but he could apply for resident alien status and probably get it, and there's not much you could do in protest, is there? Again, I'm not suggesting he'd do anything like that, and you'd hate to think he might, but I just wouldn't want to see you on CNN saying "I never thought he'd do that." Anyway, is there some simple procedure you can do to get a document in place establishing youas the primary custodial parent, friendlylike, maybe with a lawyer or arbitrator, simple document signing, not a court proceding...?

Best wishes

 

[Incogneato]

If it has to be a month, is there any possibility of using something like Skype to keep in touch, to help get them in a short routine while they are in america?

 

[mom2many]

A few questions (a little devils advocate here) if you were still together would you have any problem with this? Is he a good dad (now)? Will he meet their needs? Do you like the girlfriend? Would she be good to the kids? How about his family?

If you can answer yes to most of those questions then I would have to give it serious consideration. A month is a LONG time, for us mommies. A lot of times it is harder on us mommies then it is on them. So long as the people they are with is someone they are secure and happy with they almost always do better then we do.

Yes their routine will be different and when they get back it is going to be rough but not something that can't be fixed. In these types of cases it is hard for there to be a right or wrong answer.

 

[MomoJA]

I've been thinking about this some more, and I didn't mention this at first because I know his reasons for going to the US aren't just for the kids to spend time with his mom, but maybe you can suggest that after he goes there without the kids, she come to you. It probably wouldn't fly, but it might be worth a try.

I understand what M2M is saying, and maybe I'm prejudiced because I have been separated from my daughter's father since her birth, basically, so it's hard for me to imagine ever leaving her with him for so long. Also, I guess I'm prejudiced because I know he would do his best, but his best wouldn't be as diligent or as patient as it should be.(This isn't just my opinion.) But I still think it is too long. I think even if I were with the father, I wouldn't want my 3 and 2 year olds to be away from me for that long. Maybe it is my selfishness, or maybe I am thinking that they will have in the back of their heads that I won't always be there when they need me and I'm the only one who has always been there, or whatever, but it would be more than disrupted routines.

I wonder if you can appeal to the grandmother. Is she approachable? She might be able to relate to why you wouldn't want them gone that long.

 

[Antoinette]

The thing is that I understand he has as much right as I do to want to be with them but they hardly know him really. For the first year of alegra's life I think he saw her Mayr 4 times. He had a bit more o do with Felix but even saw him less after alegra was born.

It is getting better bow but he has only been seeing them on a regular basis for the past 3
Months or so and I'm not saying David is. Bad father or Courtney isn't a nice woman but David is still quite immature and he doesn't seem to see why you can't leave a 3 year old home while you run down to the corner store or why it isn't fair on me to pick the children up at 9am on Saturday and then call me 3 hours later asking if I will take them back cause his buddies are going to the pub.

I know he loves them but I don't know if he is responsible enough to have them for an entire month without
Me there to help if it becomes too
Much for him.

On the other hand; maybe a month without me flying in and helping every time he gets stressed might grow from it and become a better father?

(sorry if this is terribly written i am
Typing on my iPhone so it is hard to keep track of spelling/ grammar lol)

 

[mom2many]

Ok with your new information then my answer changes. I don;t know if I would force him to "man up" a whole country away. Maybe a few hundred miles away but not a whole country.

Have you talked to his mom? Maybe expressing your concerns and fears with her will help. Maybe a guarantee that she will take charge would help? I don't know I am just throwing ideas out there.

 

[Antoinette]

I'm sure she would help him when if he needed her and she is a loverly woman its just me that is having problems coming to terms with me being in Australia and him being in Florida where he can tell me that everything is fine and i would have no way of knowing if he is telling the truth one way or another.

i guess i just don't know if i trust him enough to let him take my children that far away for that long.

 

[stjohnjulie]

Is the reason he wants to take them is so they can see their grandma? Because to me, it seems like it would make a lot more sense, and be a lot less expensive, if she came to Australia. The kids are so young at this point that they will have no memory of this trip. I can see when they get a little older taking them to the US for the 'experience'. In another year or two Felix will be able to enjoy it, remember it, but Alegra still has awhile to go. And as far as David goes... I'm glad that he has been a more active parent, but three months is not all that long. I'm sure he could handle the kids with the girlfriend and mom's help, but it just seems like too big of a trip to me for kids this young.

And I am glad to see you back! I've been thinking about you a lot!!!!

 

[NancyM]

I don't know what your relationship with your x is or with his girlfriend , but I'm sensing a hesitation in your 'voice'. If you have any doubts what so ever about your children's safety of emotional well being about being separated from you for a whole month, I advise against it completely.

IMO the children's best interest should be first and foremost considered here. Not your X's or anyone else s. I would think about what the negative impact be on the kids lives if they did NOT go at this age, and what would the neg impact be if they do go?

I'd also have to be positive that my children can return home if they want to even before the month was up. Will they be cared for properly and will the GF be able to handle two kids for that long of a duration.'

Maybe I'd ask for money to be set aside just 'in case' I had to fly down for any type of emergency. I don't know, it would be scary for me.

 

[Antoinette]

i think they would be safe, i don't mean to imply i don't think he would do the best job he can with them but i also know that neither of them have been away from me for more than 4 days at a time. Alegra has never been away from me for more than 2 days (1 night) so i don't know how they would go emotionally without me.

 

[Antoinette]

Okay, so I called david they could go IF we went to the lawyer and BOTH signed a form saying I am the custodial parent which guarantees he will bring them back (he wasn't thrilled but did agree when I promised it wouldn't change anything once they got back) also they are moving the trip to July and David is going to put enough money aside for a one way plane ticket for me in case I need to go over and bring the kids back ( I pay for the return ticket myself) and we have to skype every night so I can see them and gear directly from them that everything is going well. Are they all the things you can think of that I should have asked for?

 

[NancyM]

Sounds like a good plan to me. I didn't want to say that I'd be afraid he wouldn't bring them back, but that's the first thing I thought of.

I think it's very smart of you to take the that you did.

 

[Xero]

I know I'm coming to this late and you already came to a decision, but...

No way!!! I would never even consider allowing my own husband to take our kids out of the country without me for any length of time. Maybe when they were much older. But at that age, my rule would be "if you care that much about seeing them, then you are more than welcome to come here to do it". That's just me, I know I can be overly protective and maybe I'm a jerk lol. But I don't care. Just the thought that anything could happen to my kids and I would have no way of getting to them would be enough to make me crazy the whole time. No no no!! Plus it is very hard for little ones to understand where mommy has gone for so long, if she is coming back at all, and all that. Allegra especially is too young to understand that. To them it will feel like you are never coming back and it will be so confusing for them. I wouldn't let my kids be away from me for a month even if it was just down the street. I'd be extremely hesitant about a week but I might do it. Anything longer than that is too long though IMO.

I'm sooooo not trying to make you feel bad or change your mind!!! You know what's right for your kids. I just wanted to share how I would feel if I were you.

 

[JosephGoldstein]

What is a miss carriage?

Are you missing a carriage? Can I help you find it?

 

[JosephGoldstein]

And our immigration policy sucks enough, why not take kids out of the country?