Teaching child to respect others...

[lfedwards]

Seems like such a general request, but I NEED HELP. I have a smart, STRONG WILLED daughter that is about to turn 10 years old. She is in the gifted program at school, all A student but just does not like to listen to me when I try to teach her how important it is to respect others... friends, adults, etc. I need HELP

 

[parentastic]

Seems like such a general request, but I NEED RESPECT. I have a smart, STRONG WILLED daughter that is about to turn 10 years old. She is in the gifted program at school, all A student but just does not like to listen to me when I try to teach her how important it is to respect others... friends, adults, etc. I need HELP

Respect is sort of a large theme, OP.
Could you perhaps define what "respect" means for you, and perhaps illustrate it with some concrete examples of recent situations in which your daughter has lacked respect, what she did, what was the context, and what you would have wanted her to do instead?
This would enable us to help you better.

 

[lfedwards]

Most of what she does, she doesn't even realize it. I will fuss at her for doing something, and she will say that she hasn't done it... and I just witnessed it! Examples are back talking me. We tried to get her to start saying Yes Ma'am and Yes Sir so that it would be habit for her so that she would say it in public to other adults and she just would not ever pick it up, no matter what we tried. She rolls her eyes at me, then says that she didn't. When an adult (that she may not care for - which I do NOT agree with at all) speaks to her, she may not look them in the eye, or responds to them without saying Ma'am, or kind of looks at them in a snide way.. disrespectful. When I try to talk to her about it, she will respond like she hasn't done anything wrong .. and I can tell it just doesn't sink in.

 

[cybele]

(that she may not care for - which I do NOT agree with at all)

This is the one thing that stood out to me. That's not very fair. She gets to pick who she likes and who she doesn't, she doesn't have to like everyone. Do you like everyone you have ever encountered? You said she replies to them, she just does not seem to feel comfortable calling them 'sir' or 'ma'am' and if she honestly has a reason for disliking someone, as long as she is speaking to them and not blatantly ignoring them or snapping at them or being sarcastic, then thats fair enough.

 

[lfedwards]

You are right... she does have the right to choose who she likes, and who she does not. I just would like to teach her that, although she may not like someone, she still needs to show them respect. Is that teaching her "two-face" attitude? How should I teach her to reply to make both of us happy?

 

[parentastic]

Examples are back talking me.

I am not sure I understand what "back talking" means?

We tried to get her to start saying Yes Ma'am and Yes Sir so that it would be habit for her so that she would say it in public to other adults and she just would not ever pick it up, no matter what we tried.

There are many things here that come to mind, lfedwards.

First, do you say "Yes Sir" and "Yes Ma'am" to other adults when you meet them? If you ask your daughter to do something that you or her other parent won't do, you are sending this message: "Do as I say, not as I do". Yet children not only resent that, but they also learn mostly through modeling (doing what you do).

Second, would you say "Yes Ma'am" or "Yes Sir" to your partner / wife / spouse? Yet are you in a family relationship? Do you respect each other? I am guessing that saying "Yes sir" doesn't have much of anything to do with true respect. And I am guessing your daughter intuitively knows this. If she doesn't feel respected, you won't get her to respect you. The best you can get is a fake appearance of "respect". I am going to assume this is not what you truly want to teach her?

She rolls her eyes at me...

Well, if you'd ask me to say "Yes Sir" when I speak to you, I'd roll my eyes at you too. Perfectly understandable reaction. Children may be little, but why would they feel differently than we do?

...then says that she didn't.

If she had said "yes, i rolled my eyes at you", should would have gotten into more trouble, wouldn't she? She probably knows this. So she denies it. Again - it's perfectly understandable. One of the biggest intensive to lie for children is when they feel they cannot be understood by their parents.

When an adult (that she may not care for - which I do NOT agree with at all) speaks to her, she may not look them in the eye, or responds to them without saying Ma'am, or kind of looks at them in a snide way..

Why is that?
Please, I am asking this in a very open and genuine way. I would like you to look inside yourself and tell me, very seriously, why children would not deserve as much respect from adults than adults expect from children?
They are not inferior. They are just growing, they are in development.
But they are full fledged people, with their desires, self-esteem, ego, and needs.

One more thing.
It's very dangerous to teach children to become deferential and obedient to <I>any adult</I>. They make easy prey for pedophile and child molesters. It is on the contrary critical to teach children to learn <I>not to trust</I> strangers, not to obey them, not to say "Yes Sir" and open the door when dad or mom isn't here just because that's an adult.

disrespectful.

Why? How about simply teaching her to be herself, honest, open and authentic with adults?

When I try to talk to her about it, she will respond like she hasn't done anything wrong .. and I can tell it just doesn't sink in.

So let me ask you again:
what is "respect" for you? For real - not just the appearance of respect?
Do you respect your daughter, too? How do you show it to her?
Do you respect other adults, too? How do you show it to them in front of her?

 

[lfedwards]

I have often questioned my (and my husband's) parenting. I used to be the very gentle one... he the disciplinarian. You have asked many questions.... to sum it up, I do show everyone respect, but i do question some things that my daughter does see, being an only child... maybe some conversations that she may hear between adults... or hear me on the phone... that is definitely something for me to think about!!! One reason that I got on here and asked for help is because I do realize that our relationship (mine and my daughter's) needs help... and it scares me because she is only 9 yrs old. I know that I am impatient and I hate that! We are close, and we do spend a lot of time together. Reading your posts and questions, I am starting to wonder if she thinks that I DON'T respect her. Now... I need advice as to how to talk to her. Where to start to let her know that I do respect her. How to work on this. How do I define respect... you know... my mother was always really big on APPEARANCE .. what others thought... I never wanted to be like that ... but looking at this, it looks like maybe I am sliding in that direction. When I try to define what I think RESPECT is... it scares me to think that I want others to think that she is respectful.. I don't want others that think that she is disrespectful.

 

[lfedwards]

In my original post, I meant to say "I NEED HELP", not "I NEED RESPECT" ... sorry... that kind of changes the kind of person that I am ... LOL...

 

[parentastic]

I have often questioned my (and my husband's) parenting.

I think that this is very healthy; the very fact that you ask yourself these kind of questions is already proof you ARE a great parent, IMO.

I used to be the very gentle one... he the disciplinarian.

It's quite typical to see this pattern in families. It can cause tensions between the two parents, too.

You have asked many questions....

Yes, sorry
Sometimes, I feel it's more effective than advices. It triggers a process, it causes us to revise our underlying mental models - the assumptions we have about how the world works, and that we otherwise rarely challenge.

to sum it up, I do show everyone respect, but i do question some things that my daughter does see, being an only child... maybe some conversations that she may hear between adults... or hear me on the phone... that is definitely something for me to think about!!!

You know, I think that the key point here is not so much about how she should not hear these things.. because how realistic is that? I believe that authenticity is one of the most powerful thing in a relationship and in family dynamics. But how can one be truly authentic when we hide things from each other? In the reality, we are humans. And humans make mistakes and sometimes, we are not as respectful with <I>everyone</I> as we would like to show children. So I think the key is to be conscious of it and, when it happens, you can catch yourself, take a deep breath, and say "I am sorry". And now you can <I>model</I> what to do instead in front of your child, and then your child understand how she can also say "I am sorry" and accept it when she makes a mistake.
After all, if mommy can make a mistake, then so can I.
And mommy can be disrespectful, but she says what she thinks for real. And so can I. Yet when mommy is disrespectful, even if she said what she thought, she can go back and say I am sorry. And so can I.

One reason that I got on here and asked for help is because I do realize that our relationship (mine and my daughter's) needs help... and it scares me because she is only 9 yrs old. I know that I am impatient and I hate that!

Same as above. Being impatient is okay.
What matters is how you are able to go back after, take your daughter aside, and apologize (yes, you are allowed to say "I am sorry" to her too).
And when she is the one who is impatient, remember how it feels when you are, and this acceptance will help both of you be more authentic so you can respect each other's needs.

We are close, and we do spend a lot of time together. Reading your posts and questions, I am starting to wonder if she thinks that I DON'T respect her.

I would venture to say she may think this <I>sometimes.
Most likely, however, it's unconscious. </I>It may be, at times, more how she <I>feels.
</I>lfedwards, please remember nothing is set in stone. Your relationship with your daughter is evolving every day, and will do so for all your and her life. It's okay to make mistakes. It's how you handle these mistakes that makes all the difference in the world. Each new mistake is really, in reality, a great opportunity to model the wanted behavior and to reconnect even deeper with your daughter. No need to feel bad about the past. Your relationship with her is ahead of you, not in the past.

Now... I need advice as to how to talk to her. Where to start to let her know that I do respect her. How to work on this. How do I define respect...?

She does not need to hear it. She needs to LIVE it and FEEL it.
I would start by reading this credo for respectful relationship, as it was written by Dr. Thomas Gordon.:

<I>You and I are in a relationship which I value and want to keep. We are also two separate persons with our own individual values and needs. So that we will better know and understand what each of us values and needs, let us always be open and honest in our communication.

When you are experiencing a problem in your life, I will try to listen with genuine acceptance and understanding in order to help you find your own solutions rather than imposing mine. And I want you to be a listener for me when I need to find solutions to my problems.

At those times when your behavior interferes with what I must do to get my own needs met, I will tell you openly and honestly how your behavior affects me, trusting that you respect my needs and feelings enough to try to change the behavior that is unacceptable to me. Also, whenever some behavior of mine is unacceptable to you, I hope you will tell me openly and honestly so I can try to change my behavior.

And when we experience conflicts in our relationship, let us agree to resolve each conflict without either of us resorting to the use of power to win at the expense of the other’s losing. I respect your needs, but I also must respect my own. So let us always strive to search for a solution that will be acceptable to both of us. Your needs will be met, and so will mine–neither will lose, both will win.

In this way, you can continue to develop as a person through satisfying your needs, and so can I. Thus, ours can be a healthy relationship in which both of us can strive to become what we are capable of being. And we can continue to relate to each other with mutual respect, love and peace.</I>

<LEFT>

I believe this is a very powerful credo to live by in a family.
​

</LEFT>

you know... my mother was always really big on APPEARANCE .. what others thought... I never wanted to be like that ... but looking at this, it looks like maybe I am sliding in that direction. When I try to define what I think RESPECT is... it scares me to think that I want others to think that she is respectful.. I don't want others that think that she is disrespectful.

I think you are touching on some deep and important aspects here.
Are your choices for your daughter driven by your own relationship with your mother? (this is very common.. and it takes a conscious effort to dissociate from it and take decisions for yourself, not because of what underlying assumptions and mental model were ingrained in you from your own childhood). The fact that you are already making that link.. it's all the kudos to you. It's a powerful first step. Let me know how I can help further, I'll be happy to assist.

 

[lfedwards]

Thank you so much. I will look over all of this, and work on it. It looks like a lot of great information. Next, it will be welding together the two different parenting styles (mine and my husband's). I was the loving, comforting one. He was always the "stop crying, be more independent" one. Now that she is 9, and being the only child, she has grown up fast and is more independent. She doesn't really do things independently (like going out to feed animals - chickens, dogs) because she is only child. All of our friends have more than one child. They do things together.. I just don't have anything to compare to. He thinks she should go out and pick the garden alone. Help with this?

 

[lfedwards]

I say I "was" .. Now I am a little harder on her....

 

[parentastic]

Thank you so much. I will look over all of this, and work on it. It looks like a lot of great information. Next, it will be welding together the two different parenting styles (mine and my husband's).

I think one of the greatest fallacies of parenting is the belief that somewhere, a part has to be either permissive, or authoritarian (and that every parenting act sort of falls somewhere in between).
But that's not necessarily true.
For instance, problem solving and win-win solutions aren't permissive, and they aren't authoritarian either. They are not in the "middle" between the two either.
So when you say "welding together" the two parenting style, I'd rather suggest to move to a <I>different</I> kind of parenting all together.
It's difficult to explain in just a few words, but you can read about it here, in Dr. Durrent's positive parenting approach.

I was the loving, comforting one.

I believe every parent should always be loving and comforting.. even when the expectations remains high for a child. Wamrth and expectations aren't / or don't need to be mutually exclusive.

He was always the "stop crying, be more independent" one.

I think that wanting a child to be independent is an excellent long term goal to have as a parent.
However, the trick is that the way to get there is counter-intuitive, unfortunately. If you push away your child in an attempt to get them to be independent, you trigger their reflex to cling to you because you make them feel insecure. To promote independence, you need to respond systematically to every child's <I>need</I> (NOTE: not their demands! but their underlying fundamental needs) so that they develop a secure attachment.
A part of that is to respond to their cries, always.
A secure emotional attachment is the cornerstone that provides the "safe base" from which a child can explore the world around them.
The more you insist on them not relying on you, the more you will make them clingy and NOT independent.

A side note: the reverse is not true either. Parents who are TOO present by <I>pushing</I> their presence when it's not needed or request <I>by the child</I> will also cause an insecure attachment. The key is to respond to the child's fundamental needs on the child's agenda, not on the parent's agenda.
To learn more about this, you can read Dr Siegel's book, Parenting from the inside out.

Now that she is 9, and being the only child, she has grown up fast and is more independent. She doesn't really do things independently (like going out to feed animals - chickens, dogs) because she is only child. All of our friends have more than one child. They do things together.. I just don't have anything to compare to. He thinks she should go out and pick the garden alone. Help with this?

As stated above, indenpendence is a product of safety, which is driven by the quality of the attachment link developed across the years in the family. It's not related to how many siblings the child has.

As for picking the garden alone: two questions.
a) Is she motivated to do it? If not, that's the first issue, regardless of whether she can or can't.
b) Can she do it? The best way to know it is to help her by doing it with her first, and then slowly giving her more and more room to do it herself. Use description to help her see herself and notice what she does well (feedback) and pretty soon, she will indeed feel able to do it, and feel empowered with your trust. Assuming of course she is motivated.

Age is not a miracle cure: it's not important that she is 9. What matters is how she has developed; and each child is unique even if they follow roughly a similar sequence. So you coach her and see how fast she gets it and how confident she seems to handle it alone.

 

[IADad]

It seems to me, like maybe some earlier opportunities to teach have been missed. But it also seems like she's doing some pretty normal, age appropriate things.

My 10yo is what I(and many others) would say very respectful. He and we get comments on how polite and good to have around he is. That being said he's not immune to the occasional "eye roll" or comment said in retort (back talk.) I think those are pretty age appropriate as they are trying to take control of their lives.

I only have a couple of suggestions. When she talks back or rolls eye, try to be calm in pointing it out. She'll have less to deny. She may be denying thinking it's leading to being in trouble if she admits. Quiet information on why you're informing her of what she's done may make more sense to her.

Personally, I never cared much for the insistence on "Yes, Ma'm, No sir" stuff. It seem slike forced false respect. Anyone can say that and appear to be being respectful. It hide real thoughts and seems unnatural to me.

I try to teach my kids to avoid one word answers. Ther difference between "No" and "No, it isn't" or "No, I don't really care for that." is that it gives the listener much more information to gauge your intent. It gives tone they can judge, and you're less likely to be misunderstood or judged to be rude. We do try to teach looking people in the eye, which I think is tough for kids but when they do it it's exciting, you have faith that they can grow up and carry on adult conversations.

The part about people they don't care for, I get. They are going to encounter people they don't particularly like, we all do. And we know we can't usually treat them harshly or rudely, so it's an important skill to learn.

So, be heartened that it doesn't sound like she's being intentionally rude, she just needs some guidance and tricks on how and why to do the polite things.

 

[bssage]

I have to say I dont necessarily agree with some of the respect comments. Like IAdad's boy, Cole is very respectful and I/we get compliments frequently. And I do model constantly.

I feel there are several differing forms and types and levels of respect. Its not a "one size fits all" kind of thing.

I teach Cole to be respectful of adults. To show respect. To respect the rules of other and house rules. He understands when he is being watched by someone or at another house they are responsible for his safety. That he need to talk respectfully and respect the rules.

I teach him to show respect for the position the other person is in. Teacher, Police, or even youth aid at a church function. It shows the proper understanding of his environment. I think it would be a disservice to our children to let them believe it is OK to be disrespectful of authority. Or even that it is OK for him to think he can choose not to behave respectfully. (molester section at end of post)

I dont have to like or agree with someone to behave respectfully around them. I expect the same from my kids.

There is another respect that is the earned type. While I believe the above respect is earned in a way via job title. I feel this is a different type of respect. This type of respect accounts for the value I put on someones opinion. Or that a person is a truth teller. Someone who puts others before themselves. IMHO its the difference between being respectful and respecting. IMHO two different animals. This respect is the type that has been built over time. Its the type of respect that equals trust and faith in a person. And this is the type that can be lost.

While predators are of course a concern. That is addressed differently than respect. IMHO it is a separate issue that is basically a trump card. If someone crosses a line to where he is uncomfortable, Presented with a request that may seem out of line ect all bets are off. That no threat should or will be believed to make him cross these lines. He will never be in trouble for protecting himself or his sister. I will back him 100%. It has nothing to do with respect, authority, or status. Its a game changer and should be brought to our attention ASAP.

So Cole and I had a midnight swim tonight. And since this thread has been on my mind I brought it up to him. I just felt the need to match my understanding with his reality. And I was correct. I also took the opportunity to make sure he knew that no one could threaten us. That I don't care of the person says he will do harm (me or the family) to us or whatever. It does not scare me. And should never scare him. Just thought I would update.

 

[ddum0328]

I completely understand. I have a nine year old son whom is also very inteligent. I am very big on appearances and respect. I personally allow my son some lead way to express himself, but he understands my basic requirements and rules. He also knows that there are consequences for his actions. If he is disrespectful he looses a privledge. Depending on the situation I may use his attitude for lack of a better word on him and then I ask him aftereward how did he like being treated that way.

As I said before I do allow him some leadway, but very little when it comes to respect. I try teach him to show every one respect whether you like them/agree with them, or not. As adults we must respect our boss whether we like them or not or we will not have a job. No one is perfect and we will always make mistakes. Also, kids have bad days too. I try to keep all if this in mind. While at the same time remembering that life isn't fair and we should treat others the way we want to be treated.



Hope this helps...

 

[conschofield]

Yup and yup. I was teaching my kids to say please and thank you as soon as their first words came out of their little mouths. But, I am also Miss Manners. Nothing irritates me more than rude children, or adults for that matter; really, there is no reason for this.

 

[teenage_parent]

i agree. she's 10. values like politeness should be taught early on. however, i think you need to try your best to help her develop how to be polite to other people. she does have the right to like and not like people. she doesn't have to right to disrespect other people. if people are fighting for dogs' rights to be respected, i think we should afford the same right to other people.

one of the things i try to instill on my daughter is listening to other people. she's active and has a lot of energy. she didn't look at other people when talking and ignore guests in the house.

i did the same to her. when she talked, i didn't look at her. she smiled and i didn't smiled. she got upset. i explained to her that it's how other people felt when she ignored them. now, she's better. she still has lapses but she's better. i still have to remind her sometimes but way better than before.

on the other hand, your daughter is in the gifted program and she seems to not be aware that she's doing things. she could be lying or she could simply be unaware of it.

there might be some more balance required in this situation. i say, try and get an expert's opinion. an expert will at least give you her point of view on things. you still need to give her the benefit of the doubt. Try to look at it from her point of view. when you see how she sees things, you might be able to deal with it better.

 

[csdax]

I took a class through a parenting centre called "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk". It was based on a book with the same title. I haven't read the book itself, but the class (actually 6 1-hour classes) was excellent and really helpful. It doesn't deal with the issue of respect directly, but it might be useful in terms of how you discuss the issue and get across what you're expecting in terms of her behaviour, as well as setting a good example in the way you speak to your daughter. A lot of the principles in that were about clear and open dialogue between parent and child, so the child knows they are being listened to and that their opinion is valued and respected. I'd recommend the book, based on the class.

 

[parentastic]

I took a class through a parenting centre called "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk". It was based on a book with the same title. I haven't read the book itself, but the class (actually 6 1-hour classes) was excellent and really helpful. It doesn't deal with the issue of respect directly, but it might be useful in terms of how you discuss the issue and get across what you're expecting in terms of her behaviour, as well as setting a good example in the way you speak to your daughter. A lot of the principles in that were about clear and open dialogue between parent and child, so the child knows they are being listened to and that their opinion is valued and respected. I'd recommend the book, based on the class.

Yes, this is one of the best parenting book ever written, IMO, and highly recommended. It is based on the work of Dr. Haims Ginott, one of the few child-psychologist who started the attachment / communication-based parenting school of thought. As for the associated parenting workshop, my only worry is that this program does not require a certification for trainers, so the value of it may vary depending on who is teaching it.

 

[IADad]

One personal observation (well, actually a self observation) to share.

This discussion brought to mind the notion I've heard (and maybe it was said in this thread earlier, I'm not sure) "If you don't listen to kids about the little things why do you think they will talk to you about the big things?"

I've taken this to heart recently and made a concerted effort to really actively listen to my kids. It's very easy as busy adults to say "no I don't have time" or to half-listen to them when they are talking. It's sad, but it's an easy trap to fall into.

I think about their favorite aunt and how when she's with them she hangs on their every word, as if her own personal safety depends on hearing what they say, and they LOVE her, they talk to her and the listen to her.

So, I've been trying very hard to make the time, to, at the very least tell them, "Just a minute" and then when I do listen, listen very actively, ask them followup questions and hold a real conversation. Even if whatever they are saying is pretty inconsequential, and we know they can all come up with stuff to say whether it's necessary or not, it's not inconsequential to them. I see the way they "light up" as they tell me these "very important" things. It reminds me that this is the kind of dad I want to be.

My younger son is voracious about playing outdoors. He plays outside regardless of the heat and it's tough when he wants me to play and I have things to do. So, I'm trying to make a point of taking time to play, it can't be every time and I try to let him know that I want to but have to get some specific things done before I can play, but then following up and making the time to play. He's only going to be 5 once.

I'm going to Chicago for a couple of days with my eldest son, just me and him. I'm really looking forward to this time that's devoted to him, just as his mom is looking forward to the time alone with the younger. While it's great to do stuff "as a family," it's also important to show them that they are important individually.

Anyway, it's nothing new or terribly profound, just thought I'd share.