Teaching child to respect others...

[csdax]

As for the associated parenting workshop, my only worry is that this program does not require a certification for trainers, so the value of it may vary depending on who is teaching it.

True. I'm lucky that where I live, there's a children's centre where they do all kinds of workshops for parents and for parents and kids (all free, which is why I do a lot of fundraising for them). They have some excellent 'parent educators', who I always turn to when I'm having a crisis about how to handle a particular type of behaviour or problem. The lady who taught the 'How to Talk' class also taught me classes about 'Starting School', 'Green Living with Kids', and taught my husband 'Infant Massage for Dads'.

When I took the 'How to Talk' class, there was one guy who obviously didn't get it, and felt that it was no substitute for a good yelling and/or spanking when your kid does something wrong. I'm pretty certain he was there at the insistence of CAS (or possibly his parole officer), but I often wonder if any of what was taught rubbed off on him, and how his kids are doing

 

[csdax]

Anyway, it's nothing new or terribly profound ...

But important!

 

[Mom2all]

Most of you know I have 6 kids. 3 of them blood, born to me, 3 of them heart, grew in it later in life. My 3 blood all use "yes mam, no sir, please, thank you, and may I's" without thought. It was used talking to them and they use it talking to me. Heck, I remember saying that "please" a million times when they only had a vocabulary of 2 words. When they were little, I'd correct it before I heard the rest of the sentence. The 2 oldest are grown and the youngest 14 and its habit. In the southern part of the US, "Mind your manners" is a phrase heard by children every hour. Now.. if they were deliberately disrespectful of an adult, I'd like to know why. If someone made them feel uncomfortable, it would be my job to remove that person from interacting with my children. If they had no reason to be rude to them... a whole different story.
Now.. the heart children.. they were raised quite differently. I've had them 5 years and I'm still correcting that on a regular basis. I guess I said all that to get to this... taught a a young age, it becomes second nature. The older they are, the hard it is to teach. I'm still trying.. but its harder.

 

[Mom2all]

One more thing~

My Aunt, whom I adore because of her child rearing ideas, dealt with the eye rolling in a way that years later we all still laugh at. Including her daughter who was the said eye-roller. Amy was about 13 when she rolled them at her mother in town. My Aunt, simply said, "Amy, I get that your a teenager and think that thats okay.. its not. Lets get the whole teenage eye rolling out of the way in one day so we never have to deal with it again." Amy was then instructed to roll her eyes the entire way home from town, (including a lay over at my Grandma's), and with the same dramatic head movements from the first one. Now, her continuous eye rolling probably had her hating her Mom during that ride, but she said she had enough of it that day to last her a life time. :err:

There are some that will think that is extreme.. but you should hear about the tea pot. LMAO

And for the record.. don't worry about Amy. She Graduated this year with a teaching degree, plays piano at her church, and says she's the luckiest daughter in the world to be born to her parents.

 

[parentastic]

^^^^ Oh Boy.
Don't get me started.

 

[Mom2all]

I knew that one would get you. bah hahahahahaahahah!!!!!!!:biglaugh:

She survived.. and doing well.. and not rolling her eyes about it!

 

[parentastic]

She survived.. and doing well.. and not rolling her eyes about it!

I don't find it funny, Mom2all... *sigh*
The fact that she survived it or that she is doing well today, or even the fact she is not rolling her eye anymore now (which by the way doesn't mean she doesn't think just as much) is not the point.

The point is simple.

How are you supposed to teach respect to children... by not respecting them? :sad:

Worst, you use it as an example you are proud of?

I find it very sad.

 

[Mom2all]

How are you supposed to teach respect to children... by not respecting them? :sad:

Worst, you use it as an example you are proud of?

I find it very sad.

First of all, I was joking with you with the laughter. As I knew that you and I disagree a lot on rearing children. I fully expected a negative response from you about it. But as I've said before, whatever approach works for you and yours.

And NO, I don't think Amy was stunted, hurt by, negatively affected by, or in need of future therapy. I think she learned not to roll her eyes at her Mom. Period.

I think its more more likely that a child who is never corrected, never told when they are wrong, never have consequences to actions will more likely end up in therapy when they find out the rest of the world doesn't put up with the attitudes they have or love them unconditionally when the screw up. I also think that life is about making mistakes, correcting them, and laughing at yourself sometimes when you do.

Thats just my opinion. As you have a right to yours.

 

[parentastic]

And NO, I don't think Amy was stunted, hurt by, negatively affected by, or in need of future therapy. I think she learned not to roll her eyes at her Mom. Period.

Yep, she learned not to roll her eyes at her mom.
She did not learn to <I>respect </I>her mom, however. She only learned not to show it. Don't you see the difference?

I think its more more likely that a child who is never corrected, never told when they are wrong

In logical fallacies, this is called a straw man argument, although I don't know if you make it on purpose or if you simply don't understand what I have been writing on these forums for over a year now.

Positive discipline is not the same as permissiveness.
It's not about never telling children when they are wrong.
And it's not about never correcting.

It's about doing it with empowerment, reparation and communication and mutual respect and "I" messages, rather than the use of force, unrelated artificial "consequences" and disrespectful manipulation.

You are entitled to your opinion.
Please don't misrepresent mine, however.

 

[singledad]

I think it is important to distinguish between treating someone with respect, a.k.a. Good manners, and actually respecting someone. Respect cannot be taught, period. It is earned. Acting respectfully, regardless of your true feelings towards a person is, however, a very valuable social skill that can and must be taught to a child.

I dare say the girl in question learnt to not be rude to her mom, even when she thinks her mom is being rediculous. It is a skill that will prove useful if she ever has to work with clients. Whether or not she actually respects her mom is a different matter all together.

PS - you may now proceed to accuse me of promoting dishonesty. I am fully aware that it has become the norm to use honesty as an excuse for rudeness...

 

[Mom2all]

SingleDad... she is in fact more than okay. Again.. college graduate, teaching school, active in the community and church.. and for the record spends weekends camping and horseback riding with her Mom and Dad not just because she loves them, but generally likes the people they are. And.... she's learned a sense of humor.

 

[cybele]

I thought that story was brilliant. I am so tempted to challenge Sunny to that, my current method is just to tell her she looks stupid when she rolls her eyes.

 

[singledad]

I'm sure she's more than ok. I was actually responding to this:

Yep, she learned not to roll her eyes at her mom.
She did not learn to <I>respect </I>her mom, however. She only learned not to show it. Don't you see the difference?

By saying that she learnt a lesson in good manners, which is as important as respect, since one will always have to deal with people who haven't really earnt your respect, but you still can't be rude to them.

The way you described the girl and her relationship with her mom leads me to believe that their is both love and respect between them. I would have rebelled at being made to do that, but then, I have an inherent rebellious streak. Obviously it worked for that girl. Which brings us back to the fact that all children are different and what works for over may not works for.another.

 

[Mom2all]

I thought that story was brilliant. I am so tempted to challenge Sunny to that, my current method is just to tell her she looks stupid when she rolls her eyes.

I learned so much from them. They always found a way to get a point across without anger and it worked with Amy, so I try to model it. It works for mine also... most of the time.

My favorite story was about the tea pot. She was about 14 and for whatever reason she kept forgetting that her Mom wanted her to use the old stained up pot to boil tea bags. It was a weekly thing for Amy to use her new pot instead of the old one. My Uncle came home after work to see Amy sitting at the bar doing her homework with the old stained one hanging on a piece of yard around her neck. When he asked her about her new necklace.. she simply said, "Mom thinks if I wear it a while I might remember which one to use next time."

 

[cybele]

Right, this woman is my new hero.

 

[NancyM]

This really shouldn't be so hard. Respecting people is a necessary life requisite if a person wants to belong to the world. However not everyone deserves your respect.

With children IMO, they should be taught immediately as infants, about how to respect <I>themselves</I>, and I believe along with our guidance, respecting others would come naturally.

I agree with SD that respect has to be earned . I never told my son he had to respect his elders if they didn't respect him. I don't believe that's right.

However I did tell him to remember his manners, if someone is disrespecting him no matter how old, he could always use his use his words: (Of course this applied to my sons age and his ability to communicate) if it's an adult he can always politely say something to this effect, " my parents told me I don't have to be treated badly by you or anyone, so I'm leaving and you can call my parents about it" and just walk away of course I told him he won't get in trouble for that.

And I expect him to really feel this way inside, because he should have enough respect for himself to be treated like crap. I don't expect him to say this all the time to an adult, like a teacher for instance who he's was in most contact with, I had to explain the difference to him there.
But to say it only when really necessary.

If it's another child he comes up against who's disrespecting him, than that's another issue all together.

I also agree that Manners are not the same thing as respect, so "please thank-you" and all the other nice words don't make us respectful.

Respect comes from inside us, it's more like something we feel.

 

[singledad]

QUOTE=NancyM;135496]With children IMO, they should be taught immediately as infants, about how to respect <I>themselves</I>, and I believe along with our guidance, respecting others would come naturally. [/QUOTE]
Oh yes, I absolutely agree with this. I always tell people that my most precious possession is my self-respect. Without it, I would be unable to maintain the standards I like to hold myself to, and I would definitely not be able to treat strangers with the courtesy that I believe everyone deserves until they prove otherwise.

To me, real respect comes down to, "If I was that person, how could I reasonably expect people to treat me", and then to treat that person that way. And if either I don't have an answer for that question, or the person's behaviour doesn't inspire respect, I have good manners to fall back on. And good manners also tie back to self-respect, because it is self-respect that inspires me to conduct myself in such a way that I would earn respect from others.

If I could give my daughter only one thing, I would hope it could be self-respect. That should enable her to handle most situations with grace.

 

[parentastic]

Oh yes, I absolutely agree with this. I always tell people that my most precious possession is my self-respect.

Yes, I agree with that also.
But you can't "teach" self-respect.
You can only favor it by respecting your child.
And when the parent, THE most important person in a child's life, doesn't show respect, but instead uses humiliating things (like the rolling-your-eyes during an hour punishment), you destroy their self-respect.

 

[NancyM]

Yes, I agree with that also.
But you can't "teach" self-respect.
You can only favor it by respecting your child.
And when the parent, THE most important person in a child's life, doesn't show respect, but instead uses humiliating things (like the rolling-your-eyes during an hour punishment), you destroy their self-respect.

Yes this is true. A parent who loves him/herself more than they love their child wouldn't know how to teach it, nor would they care.

 

[Mom2all]

Yes, I agree with that also.
But you can't "teach" self-respect.
You can only favor it by respecting your child.
And when the parent, THE most important person in a child's life, doesn't show respect, but instead uses humiliating things (like the rolling-your-eyes during an hour punishment), you destroy their self-respect.

You can teach self respect. Just like all other behaviors. You model it for your child. I have self respect.

Self-respect ....a proper sense of one's own dignity and integrity.

I have dignity.

Dignity...The quality or state of being worthy of esteem or respect.

I live with integrity.

Integrity... Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.

They learn how to live within our moral and ethical code.. gaining their own dignity... there by learning not only to respect others but respect themselves.

My grown daughter would not spend more than a minute in a conversation with another adult who spoke rudely to her or rolled their eyes at her. She has to much self respect to put up with what she herself would not do. She's learned how to give respect to others.. but more importantly to expect others to have that same respect for her.

Perhaps simply asking a child to not do something works for some parents. Perhaps repeating over and over what you'd like them to do works for some. In my experience it doesn't.

I agree in one thing. We model the behavior we want. I don't roll my eyes at the children. I don't pass gas at the table. I don't belch. I don't interrupt. I don't hit curse at or scream. I have enough respect for myself not too. I have enough respect for my children to expect them not to. I expect them to carry themselves with dignity. Children are not stupid. Treating them like fragile little things that can't learn through adversity and thats probably what you'll get. Fragile little things. Treat them like they deserve more respect than they give you, then thats probably what you'll get. A self centered child that believes he deserves something he's not willing to give.

Some of the comments on here borders on implying that our methods border emotional abuse. I promise you this. My children who live by our methods are not perfect.. But I'd be willing to take them anywhere and sit side by side with those who discipline in a different method and I'd not be embarrassed or disappointed in their behavior once. I have faith that my children would possess manners and self respect that would leave me proud.