Unique situation, advice needed...

[cybele]

Ive been tossing up whether to post this or not, given the outcome of the two threads ive seen that relate to homosexuality, but I really would like an outside opinion on this and would really like to ask everyone to see past the issue of gender and onto the bigger picture.


For the past 2 and a half years Dita has had a steady girlfriend, Violet, Violet has become very much a part of our family, we all accept her and Dita is accepted by her family. She is currently doing her last year of high school, like Dita, only at a different school, she has already started her univesity applications for next year.

In 3 months Violet's parents are going on an "around the world in 5 years" trip. They will just be travelling and holidaying for 5 years. They have given Violet 2 options
1. Come with them
2. Stay at home (as she is 18) however they are selling their house and she will need to pay for her own roof over her head

She dosent see going with them as an option, because that puts 5 years between where she is now and the completion of her VCE, and starting university (after all, she has to be at school to graduate high school, home schooling dosent count for squat here, so she would have to come back after the 5 years and complete her last 2 terms, in order to go to university) she is 18, but she's in school full time, there is no way she can afford her own rent, bills and food, while in high school.

She has no family willing to take her in (her only living grandparent is in respite care and she dosent really know any other relatives, she knows there are some somewhere, but she dosent know them) and none of her friends are willing to take her in.

Now, everyone in our household has jumped at this and gone "SHE SHOULD LIVE HERE SHE'S HERE HALF OF HER SPARE TIME ANYWAY" and of course, I would love to have her here, she's a lovely, responsible girl, and the last thing I want is for her to throw her education away (she wants to be a paediatric surgeon) just to be able to afford somewhere to live.

Whats preventing this from happening though is the pressure that this is going to put onto Dita and Violet. Violet's made it very clear that this will only be until the end of this year and she will move into student accomodation at university, but in the end, its a teenage relationship, which obviously makes it more unpredictable than an adult one. They will end up spending virtually all of their non-school and work time together as we dont have a spare room (and even if we did, I dont think they'd take that as an option really ) they dont have full out fights, but they do bicker, and I think what prevents that from turning into a fight is the ability to go home to seperate houses and cool down.

I dont think their relationship is going to end soon, but on the off chance that it does, im concearned about what we would do with both of them living here. By the same token, were pretty much her last chance here, if we dont put her up, she drops out of school and gets a full time job to support herself, and I dont want to just put a halt on her future based on a "what if"

Its like, 90% of me says yes, but that annoying little nagging 10% wont go away.



(Meanwhile, im beyond words furious at her parents for putting her in that situation, she was always under the impression that this huge round the world trip wouldnt happen until she was at uni, but for them to just leave 6 months before she graduates high school is so unfair on her, they couldnt have waited 6 more months?)

 

[IADad]

Firstly, I agree that it's incredibly selfish of her parents not to wait another 6 months or a year to do this.

Also it seems odd that they're willing to foot the bill for her to come with them (this is obviously going to cost something, it's one more airfar, boat fare, train fare etc. wherever they go) and yet aren't planning to subsidize her staying at home? Seems like they're really trying to pressure her into going with them.

So, on to the topic at hand. I think you are wise to think of contingencies for "what if it all goes sou?" About the only thing I can think of is to have two plans - and talk to them together about this - How to handle they're individual needs to "alone space." and what if something happens between them? you absolutely can't just see her off, so Ditta needs to understand the commitment this will take, and the best thing is to work toward devising a plan to handle conflict, how to "fight fair" and give each other space, so the break up won't happen, at least not during this time.

I think it's an incredibly generous thing you are offering, and it sets a good example for her and your kids as well. Bless you.

 

[mom2many]

My DD's boyfriend (at the time, no longer together) lived with us for over a year. He was placed by child protective services though. Like IADad said we had a contingency plan. We had one family member who would take him in of need be. We also made it very clear to both that if things were to go bad we wouldn't be able to just throw him out.

 

[bssage]

You seem to have covered the basis. Its kinda like loaning money to a friend just generally a bad idea. Notching up a young relationship adds pressure. And they have enough with school and such. It also locks you in so that if things do go south there is no escape. But these are extenuating circumstances. Kinda a crap shoot.

What I would do? (just me maybe not anyone else) I would say OK. But this is what needs to happen.

1 Alternative lodging search should be ongoing.

2 Part of the family. No guest status. ALL Rules and responsibility's apply .

3 Sanctions or penalty for household violations will apply.

4 G rated behavior at all times especially when family are present.

5 Have fun

I am pretty much a softy when it comes to helping people out. Sure it bites me in the butt from time to time. But I kinda look for opportunities to help out when I can.

good luck

 

[cybele]

I didnt think about having someone else there as a "back-up", I think ill talk to my SIL's and see if either one is willing. Thanks so much.

I will sit down with both of them and talk this through, theyre both sensible girls so hopefully this will be treated with the same level of sensibility as everything else (it is making me kick myself that we got rid of the little studio bungalow that was at the back of our house when we bought it, could have gotten rid of a kid, sent them both out there to live, HAHA) and the G-rated (well, PG-rated... weve already seen all the kissing and excessive hugging and butt squeezing, so that will be nothing new) behaviour.

Im not concearned about the 'guest status' thing, she made herself at home at our house long ago, often I find her vaccuming or washing dishes or folding clothes and I just sit there and say "You do realise that you dont live here dont you?" Guess I wont be saying that to her anymore, HAHA.

 

[BabyAngel]

a 5 year trip around the world is an outstanding opportunity that rarely comes to 18 year-olds.

I would really encourage her to go with her parents.... perhaps negotiate something with her parents to only join them in 6 months, when she is done with highschool !

 

[cybele]

It is a lovely idea, but she is adamant that she dosent want to go.

Her point of view on going on the trip is that she already "lost a year" of education in year 8 when she went with her family to Europe for a year, and it took her a very long time to get back into studying, her year 8 year (which should have been year 9) she was a D average student, which dropped fown from an A average, it took her over a year to get her marks back up again, and she feels that if she goes with them, she comes back when she is 24, would have to wait to the next year to begin study, as there is no mid-year intake foe what she wants to do, so she will be 25, and then has to start her adult life from that point, whereas her parents have adult lives to come back to, and she feels like it would be significantly harder to start studying medicine after a 6 year break at 25 then it would be straight out of school at 19.

She really does seem to believe that dropping everything now and going with them will completely change the outcome of her planned adult life, and she dosent want that.

 

[BabyAngel]

Planned adult life... at 18 !!

I understand what she feels like, she doesn't want to be "different" from the normal path... she doesn't see the richness of experience that this kind of travel gives someone.

It's a shame to pass such an opportunity... IMHO ! I know if I would look back to when I was 18 and decided to pass on this, I would now regret it greatly.

 

[cybele]

Well you normally do have to make some kind of career decision at 18, sure that changes around, but when you want to go into a field that requires up to 10 years of study, you really do have to pull your socks up and get on with it.

I can speak for her, but from what I gather, she's been everywhere, her parents are the "word travelling" type people, she's been to France, Italy, Spain, Germany, Japan, China, Thailand, America, Egypt, I dont know, theres about 10 more in there, I give up on trying to remember. She really dosent seem to have the taste for it, she wants her own life and her own identity, not to continue being part of the mighty travelling family.

 

[BabyAngel]

Well, not sure what else to tell you. What happens if you don't take her in ? Does she really go work full time or does she go with her parents ?

Might be simple in her mind just because she has another way out (easy way out).

 

[cybele]

She goes to work full time, I dont think you could pay her to go really.

 

[cybele]

Okay, well, an update.

Ash, Dita, Violet and I sat down and had a talk last night, about what we expect of them should this go ahead, which went really well, we talked about their behaviour and what is expected of them now, as well as what is to happen should any arguments between the two occur (meaning that their siblings dont need to hear it, Ash and I have maintained throughout our entire marriage that the children never hear us argue, not at all saying that it dosent happen, it certianly does, but it is never heard by the kids, and any other couple in our house needs to follow the same rules) and it went really well.

So Violet is slowly moving her things in here, her parents have put their house up for sale this week past, so its deinfetly going ahead now. Were also going to help her out with renting a storage locker (we told her we'll pay for the first couple of months until she's completely settled and works out her finances, she does only work 2 nights and 1 weekend a week after all) to store some of the things she wont need here, like her bed and wardrobe and such.

 

[Testing]

cybele: In 3 months Violet's parents are going on an "around the world in 5 years" trip. They will just be travelling and holidaying for 5 years. They have given Violet 2 options
1. Come with them
2. Stay at home (as she is 18) however they are selling their house and she will need to pay for her own roof over her head

That is a once in a lifetime opportunity that few will ever get. She should negotiate hard to delay the departure date so she can graduate from high school. Barring that, if she simply cannot get her parents to agree (though I find that odd and would wonder why they can't wait 6 months) she should finish that last six months of school and then join them wherever they are. Knowing what I know now from the vantage point of many decades hence, she should totally go for it.

University will still be there when she returns.

and none of her friends are willing to take her in.

She doesn't have a friend that would let her stay for a short while? Why not?

Now, everyone in our household has jumped at this and gone "SHE SHOULD LIVE HERE SHE'S HERE HALF OF HER SPARE TIME ANYWAY" and of course, I would love to have her here, she's a lovely, responsible girl, and the last thing I want is for her to throw her education away (she wants to be a paediatric surgeon) just to be able to afford somewhere to live.

This is not your responsibility. It's admirable that you care, but this is between she and her parents to work out.

its a teenage relationship, which obviously makes it more unpredictable than an adult one. They will end up spending virtually all of their non-school and work time together as we dont have a spare room (and even if we did, I dont think they'd take that as an option really ) they dont have full out fights, but they do bicker, and I think what prevents that from turning into a fight is the ability to go home to seperate houses and cool down.

I dont think their relationship is going to end soon, but on the off chance that it does, im concearned about what we would do with both of them living here.

I think your gut is telling you something important here. Your gut is almost never wrong; we just don't pay attention, or we explain it away.

I'm perplexed at the bolded. It doesn't matter if they won't "take that- separate rooms or sleeping areas as an option." It is YOUR house, your rules. You decide what is appropriate in your house, not them.

By the same token, were pretty much her last chance here, if we dont put her up, she drops out of school and gets a full time job to support herself, and I dont want to just put a halt on her future based on a "what if"

You aren't. This isn't your responsibility. This is her responsibility to work out the best we she can for everyone involved.

Its like, 90% of me says yes, but that annoying little nagging 10% wont go away.

Never ignore your gut.

(Meanwhile, im beyond words furious at her parents for putting her in that situation, she was always under the impression that this huge round the world trip wouldnt happen until she was at uni, but for them to just leave 6 months before she graduates high school is so unfair on her, they couldnt have waited 6 more months?)

Agree with you here. This sounds really odd. Wondering if there isn't more to the story here that you don't know. I hope someone isn't ill or something and they feel it has to be now or never. I can't imagine not waiting 6 months for my kid to graduate from high school before doing this.

Edited to Add: Well, I guess I should have read the whole thread first instead of just responding. I guess it is a done deal so anything I have said will be moot.

Never mind.

 

[cybele]

That is a once in a lifetime opportunity that few will ever get. She should negotiate hard to delay the departure date so she can graduate from high school. Barring that, if she simply cannot get her parents to agree (though I find that odd and would wonder why they can't wait 6 months) she should finish that last six months of school and then join them wherever they are. Knowing what I know now from the vantage point of many decades hence, she should totally go for it.

University will still be there when she returns.



She doesn't have a friend that would let her stay for a short while? Why not?



This is not your responsibility. It's admirable that you care, but this is between she and her parents to work out.



I think your gut is telling you something important here. Your gut is almost never wrong; we just don't pay attention, or we explain it away.

I'm perplexed at the bolded. It doesn't matter if they won't "take that- separate rooms or sleeping areas as an option." It is YOUR house, your rules. You decide what is appropriate in your house, not them.



You aren't. This isn't your responsibility. This is her responsibility to work out the best we she can for everyone involved.



Never ignore your gut.



Agree with you here. This sounds really odd. Wondering if there isn't more to the story here that you don't know. I hope someone isn't ill or something and they feel it has to be now or never. I can't imagine not waiting 6 months for my kid to graduate from high school before doing this.

Edited to Add: Well, I guess I should have read the whole thread first instead of just responding. I guess it is a done deal so anything I have said will be moot.

Never mind.

She dosent have a friend willing to take her in because its a huge commitment, there is always the off chance that this will be for much longer than intended, she could still be here 5 years from now (its not the norm in Australia for kids to leave for tertiary education, unless youre from interstate, or you can organise a large sharehouse, you commute) im aware that she is not her responsibility, but I care very much for this girl, she has been part of our family for 2 years now and the last thing I want is to see her out on the streets.

She has the option to go with them, but not only does she not want to, I really think her parents dont want her to either, from speaking to them I really get the impression that they dont want her tagging along, but feel they should offer for her to come to because she is their daughter. I dont think anything is wrong with either parent, medically, this is very much their lifestyle, drop everything and go anywhere, id be amazed if they trip ends up lasting the planned 5 years to be honest, last time they did something like this apparently they ran out of money half way through.

As for my house, my rules, I dont have an issue with the bedroom situation, Violet stays over many nights, she's honestly here maybe 3, maybe 4 nights a week, occasionally Dita is over there, I dont have an issue at all with it. Space will be tight, and im concearned about that, we do have a very small house and Dita's room is tiny, she does have a double bed though, but all of Violet's stuff in there too, I cant imagine how theyre going to fit everything. Oh well, I guess we'll find out. But then, if I did have an issue with it, it would be up for discussion, I dont believe in the "my house my rules" thing, im not the only person who lives here and compromise from everyone is part of how our family works as a cohesive unit.

 

[Aylaissi]

I know a lot of people seemed to think she should take the opportunity, however you said her parents have done a lot of traveling already. When parents move or travel a lot it often leaves children no matter the age longing for the opposite. I know at 26, I still just crave and have this deep desire for stability and I do not think someone could even pay me to be on a vacation over a week or two! So it makes sense to me.

As for your worry that you had about it putting pressure on their relationship... I think you got great advice and from the sound of it you took it finding a back up for an emergency. Her moving in will put pressure on their relationship, that is just the way things work. However I think there are two things to keep in mind about that.... First that from everything you have ever told us about Dita, you raised her right and she can probably handle it (even if she needs a little guidance from you to help at some point).... Secondly that not only are you getting to help a girl who is obviously important to your family but you get to teach your daughter a lesson in a safe environment that not many parents do. No matter if it ends well, or poorly you get to show your daughter how hard it can be at times, and how it does change/stress a relationship to live with your significant other. It is something we all have to learn! I am sure half of us have stories about how our first time living together with someone went and the adjustment was hard on some! Dita has a built in safety net almost, it is not permanent, she has you guys which seems like a great lesson!

Good luck with everything!

 

[cybele]

Thank you for your kind words Aylaissi

 

[Antoinette]

I'm very late on this but i think you made the right decision, and although i do think it will put strain on their relationship it is an inevitability eventually af a couple is strong they will move in together and that will put strain on the relationship no matter where or when it happens. the important thing is that she can come to you when times get hard. I'm sure it will all work it's self out for the best.

 

[cybele]

Thanks Antoinette. I agree, I think they were going to cross this bridge eventually, it has just happened to have come around sooner rather than later.

 

[cybele]

A little bit of an update. Their house is currently up for sale, but Violet's parents have gone to Sydney for 2 weeks, they left friday night, they told Violet about it on thursday, which really upset her, I was speaking to Dita about it, and she was saying that Violet feels as if her parents really dont want her around anymore.

So we have made the decision to start moving things this weekend, when her parents come back we'll discuss whats happening, but right now, she dosent want to be home alone for 2 weeks.

 

[bssage]

for what its worth. I think you are doing the right thing.