Unreasonable to ask of other parents?...

[buddylovebabi]

I only have a step son right now and no biological children of my own, however I plan to become a foster parent when my states restrictions allow.

I am wondering (because I have VERY strong opinions about the subject of video games) if it is innapropriate to tell other parents that if my child/step child is allowed to play <SIZE size="75">(or watch anyone play!!)</SIZE> anything over E/watch anything over PG at their house he/she will no longer be allowed to go over.

I have been told that I would be considered "over-bearing," "un-flexible," "unreasonable" or "too strict."

It also leads to a secondary worry, other than my childrens' freinds' parents disliking me. What if they decided to let the children play/watch the disallowed content and just not tell me! or even worse, tell my children/their friend to lie to me and tell me they didn't! (I hope no one tells me this is a rediculous concern, my step-son's mother does this constantly)

So I really have two questions:
1. Does anyone beleive this is an unreasonable request to make of other parents?
2. Does anyone believe that this may invite more problems (Parents disliking me, parents and children possibly lying) than it would solve?

I would never WANT to tell my child they weren't allowed at someone's house, but I feel it's nessesary for my children's best interests.

 

[buddylovebabi]

On a completely different sub-topic (TV!!) Would it be inappropriate to ask that my children not to be exposed to adult tv shows (Law and Order, Cops, reality shows, sitcoms, and such) Not to say the parents couldn't watch them, just to say that my child wouldn't be in the room during them?

or those rediculous nickalodeon shows... spongebob?? omg! fanboy and chum chum, what are these people thinking? (some of these shows are as bad as ren &amp; stimpy from when I was young, and they can't play it before 10 pm on any station!!) it may be their childs favorite show, but I just dont want my kids watching it.

(If you answer please answer reguarding each subtopic if you have varying opnions on each, I know i've posted a lot but I feel like I don't get many answers other places and i'm hoping to get them here)

 

[Xero]

Well, it is a valid concern and I also worry about the same kinds of things. One small thing though, I don't think SpongeBob even comes close to comparing to Ren and Stimpy lol. Not even close. Ren and Stimpy was completely disgusting and inappropriate. Spongebob can be weird and even gross at times, but never to the point where I would get uncomfortable about kids watching it. I know what you mean though.

I think that you can make sure your children never see anything like that in your home. When he gets old enough to leave your home and go to friends houses etc, then you need to teach him that he is not ALLOWED to watch or play things like that, and if you find out that he does he will be in trouble. It is up to him, and it is his responsibility to uphold your rules even when he is not in your presence. It is not polite or appropriate in my opinion to just unroll this list of rules to every single set of parents you let your kids visit. I do happen to think it is unreasonable. Your child should know what he can and can't do/watch/play and just as with everything else you have taught him, he needs to avoid those things as well. If they turn on a bad video game or R-rated movie, he should know better to pipe up and say "I'm not allowed to watch this" or "I'm not allowed to play this".

Either way, there will be times when your child is exposed to things you don't like, or when he will play video games you don't approve of. His brain will not be permanently damaged, and you will just have to deal with it accordingly. You CAN'T control every single environment your kids are in every time they leave your home. And you can't insist that other parents (who may feel differently about things than you do, and may have good reasons for feeling that way) do things exactly how you want them to. All you can do is make sure your children know what they can and can't do, and that they are able to speak up for themselves. And I think its enough for them not to play the games, because they can't tell their friends they are not allowed to play the game in front of them in their own house etc. Movies and TV should be easy enough to avoid if he is vocal about what he's not allowed to watch.

Either way, kids don't always know what the difference between PG and PG-13 is, or E and T, you know? So don't go too crazy with it, as long as your kids are doing their best then don't worry about it.

I am a little concerned with your list though lol, like Spongebob and sitcoms and reality shows? What is wrong with those playing in the background while your kid is in the room? You can't just expect that everyone in the world is going to adjust their TV's to Nick Jr when your kids are over.

 

[Kim]

If another parent asked me not to let their kids play/watch those things I would be fine with it. Every parent has different rules, and I try to stick to the rules that parent sets for their kids if they specifically mention it. However, I'd like to point out that I watched Ren &amp; Stimpy religiously when I was a child and I turned out just fine

 

[buddylovebabi]

Oh yeah i loved ren and stimpy and still like it, but i also realize that i never got any of the real bad jokes when i was little!

 

[mom2many]

It isn't an unreasonable question to ask, however it does need to be realistic. What I mean is this, I have teenagers and have never restricted a single thing any of my kids watch (well porn would be the exception ).

So while your kid is at my house I would make sure that the little ones are playing appropriately but I couldn't guarantee at every corner it would be. The teens are gonna do their thing and most likely me, but I wouldn't discount what you wishes are, I just couldn't guarantee it 100%, not without really putting everyone out in my house...I hope that makes sense.

 

[buddylovebabi]

I understand Mom2many. I just know too many children who go over to friends houses and play games waaay out of their rating zones, and the parents don't seem to know or care! like my 7 year old playing "grandtheft auto" (rated m) or "hitman" (also rated m) at his grandparents house, even though his father spacifically told them it was NOT OK. It just seems like parents should all band together instead of driving apart,

Lol, i considered making a group here in my home town called the " 'unreasonable' parents club" where the parents of the children banded together to make sure parents wishes were met when their child went over to another parents house.

Maybe your child needs to have her hair up whenever she eats, (it may sound unreasonable but maybe she hass issues with eating her hair!)
Maybe your child can't have any cheese burgers at a friend's house, (it may seem silly to some parents, but what if he needs to eat kosher??)

it just seems like parents usually know what's best for their children (not always, i'll admit that) and even if other parents find it silly or unreasonable they should still respect your wishes as a parent.

not to say that they can't watch "Scream" while your child is there, but how hard is it to say: "we're going to watch a movie now, you kids go play in the other room." ?

 

[buddylovebabi]

I hope that was coherent... it's a little bit of a rant, it just upsets me a lot when children play violent games and watch sexual and gory tv shows where the parent is in the next room doing nothing about it!

(Edit)

Also yes I do realize that some kids have a higher "acceptance" or ability to discern fantisy from reality, but with all the recent studies on grades and violence being linked to violent video games I just don't want to take the chance!

 

[mom2many]

I understand Mom2many. I just know too many children who go over to friends houses and play games waaay out of their rating zones, and the parents don't seem to know or care! like my 7 year old playing "grandtheft auto" (rated m) or "hitman" (also rated m) at his grandparents house, even though his father spacifically told them it was NOT OK. It just seems like parents should all band together instead of driving apart,

Lol, i considered making a group here in my home town called the " 'unreasonable' parents club" where the parents of the children banded together to make sure parents wishes were met when their child went over to another parents house.

Maybe your child needs to have her hair up whenever she eats, (it may sound unreasonable but maybe she hass issues with eating her hair!)
Maybe your child can't have any cheese burgers at a friend's house, (it may seem silly to some parents, but what if he needs to eat kosher??)

it just seems like parents usually know what's best for their children (not always, i'll admit that) and even if other parents find it silly or unreasonable they should still respect your wishes as a parent.

not to say that they can't watch "Scream" while your child is there, but how hard is it to say: "we're going to watch a movie now, you kids go play in the other room." ?

First thing you'll get to know about me is I am a very lax parent, doesn't mean I don't have rules and such, I just don't over think everything, wasn't so true with the older ones, but it is with the little ones. My 4 year old plays grand theft auto, not often but sometimes, my 9 year old does, they don't like hitman so it's not a problem. They know fiction from reality, we talk often and continuously about what is going on. Communication is really the key. But I get what you are sayiing.

I also agree with the last paragraph, that's what I was saying. I will do everything to make sure your child wasn't exposed to something you are uncomfortable with I just couldn't guarantee it, but would try my hardest.

I hope that was coherent... it's a little bit of a rant, it just upsets me a lot when children play violent games and watch sexual and gory tv shows where the parent is in the next room doing nothing about it!

As for this, it's not that parents are "doing nothing" they just don't have the same issue with it.

 

[stjohnjulie]

I don't feel it is unreasonable to ask other parents to not let your child play video games of a certain rating while they are visiting, but I completely agree with Xero that your child should be the one to step up and say "I am not allowed to play that." I similarly to you in regards to video games. My son is 9.5, and I don't like him to play a lot of video games, but rather than going on a rating, I say no shooting games that involve realistic looking people. No shooting people, not in real life, not in pretend land, not in video games, no no no, no shooting people (or zombies). It's a personal thing. But my son knows how I feel about it, and he sticks to it (for now anyhow) when he is at a friends house. Fortunately, he isn't much into video games when he is visiting friends. He would much rather do something outside. Which other parents tend to love

I too think that your views on TV shows may be a little too strict to expect other parents to abide by. I can understand you not wanting your child to watch certain shows. And in your house, no problem. But in other peoples houses, that's a tough one since some of the shows mentioned are actually FOR kids.

Overall, I think the person who needs the focus is your son. You need to make sure he knows what you expect of him, is clear about your rules, so that he can abide by them when he is not under your direct care. I've always felt that the whole idea of being a good parent is to make sure that we instill in our children the right set of values so that they can go out into the world and make good decisions on their own. They are going to be a part of the big world and you need to let them experience the world. You cannot, nor should you, keep your children under your wing forever. If you are always there to make the decisions for him he will never learn how to do it on his own. Too many rules and restrictions squish a child's spirit and often times lead to a very unruly teen.

 

[sbattisti]

Overall, I think the person who needs the focus is your son. You need to make sure he knows what you expect of him, is clear about your rules, so that he can abide by them when he is not under your direct care. I've always felt that the whole idea of being a good parent is to make sure that we instill in our children the right set of values so that they can go out into the world and make good decisions on their own. They are going to be a part of the big world and you need to let them experience the world. You cannot, nor should you, keep your children under your wing forever. If you are always there to make the decisions for him he will never learn how to do it on his own. Too many rules and restrictions squish a child's spirit and often times lead to a very unruly teen.

Interesting thread. I very much agree with stjohnhulie's comments above, particularly the part about the rules/restrictions. I think it's perfectly OK to express your desire for these rules to other parents, but I think you need to find a delicate way to do so. Your initial post (while not directed at these other parents) seems a little . . . draconian/condescending. You certainly don't want to give that impression when you impart your rules on another family.

As much as it's YOUR deal more than your step-son's, there's no question that how parents feel about YOU will affect how likely they are to want their child to socialize with your child.

Just a thought.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

you always have a right to ask and discuss your concerns, but that doesn't mean others will neccesarily follow your directions. unless it involves health/safety or legal issues, controlling your child isn't really much of their business.
myself i don't pay attention at ratings and i'm not fussy about what kids watch or play. i know other parents disagree with me, so when having guest children, i don't encourage watching tv. i prefer them to play with each other, with toys, or outside.
i think that's more reasonable

as for being too strict... well, i imagine a situation where, let's say there are 4 children visiting, 3 of them are allowed to see a spongebob, and yours isn't. that creates a really awkward situation.

i can speak only for myself here. as it comes to guest children, I know I am a responsible host, and will ensure that they don't do anything illegal, immoral, or dangerous. however, i am not a nanny. I won't be able to supervise every single little thing that others concern at their homes.

 

[yeojungi]

It is totally reasonable to have such rules. I myself have pretty strict control over my daughter's media consumption although I am a very relaxed mother otherwise. The only thing is you need not "state" your policy. Instead, ask other parents if they have any rules about video games, TV, movies, or computer. Then, you tell them you tend to be particular about those things and you would like your child to be free from those influences until he is ready.

 

[IADad]

my only advice is to get to know kids and parents before you allow your child to be at their house. You can tell in pretty short order if their parenting stndards align with yours, afterall, is it really about a specific rating, or certain show? It's probably more about general care and discretion, if you only allow your son at places where the parent's standards align with yours then you don't have to do anyything "over-bearing" to ensure your son isn't exposed to the things you don't want him to be. The other thing is to consider the real and not so real dangers. Whle you may not like spongebob, and not allow it watched in your house, is your child going to turn into an inconsiderate future felon of america if he happens to see an episode at someone's house? The lists you made cover lots of ground and while I can understand you not wanting him exposed to law and order and you don't want a steady diet of spongebob, would a "spongebob snack" send you straight to the physchologist's for a session?

I'm just saying I'm careful about making rules, and try to use reasonable guidelines muself, and associate with people who I know share those general principles, so I don't stress at all when my kids go to someone's house and I've never had a conversation that approaches the rules you're considering communicating. Maybe I'm naive and under prepared, and yeah my 8 yo catches occasional glimpses of stuff I don't want him seeing on a regular basis, but we don't make hard and fast rules about it, I'm the parent I change the channel, or change the activity, no problem.

 

[buddylovebabi]

I appreciate everyone's input, I understand being over bearing will make other parents resent me and possibly my child.

Most of what i meant was not that they had to keep the TV off or notallow the children to watch anything, but to be consiencious of what they have on IN FRONT of my kid.

Think about it, if my child had an OVERWHELMING fear of something like spiders or clowns, would you watch circ de sole or the miss spider show while he was sitting there? Yes, they are both "made" for children, but they still are going to make him upset!

And I realise the only fear my son has right now is sleeping alone (His mother lets him sleep with her whenever he's there, another topic for PM if anyon wants to comment feel free) but it still seems like if you told another parent "Make sure he doesn't watch 'Miss spider' or any spider nature shows ect." if they didn't want to follow guidelines that you set forth, they won't understand the ramifications until your child starts freaking out over the spiders, or in the case of violent video games comes home and starts pretending to shoot/kill everything.

my only advice is to get to know kids and parents before you allow your child to be at their house. You can tell in pretty short order if their parenting stndards align with yours, afterall, is it really about a specific rating, or certain show? It's probably more about general care and discretion, if you only allow your son at places where the parent's standards align with yours then you don't have to do anyything "over-bearing" to ensure your son isn't exposed to the things you don't want him to be.

I totally agree with you here! I would reallypefer not to have to be "over-bearing" but children sometimes chose freinds whose parents you don't agree with, and I just feel like other than not letting them go over <SIZE size="75">(If they BLATENTLY disreguard your concern, i mean like ;etting him play an M rated game or watch an R rated movie, i don't mean like "omg you let him watch spongebob he's never allowed over again")</SIZE> there's nothing I would be able to do to ramify the situation, I also have had concerns about if I don't allow him to go over there, the other parents may relatiate and not let their child at my house either, and all that does is hurt the kids! (and yes i've seen it happen...)

 

[IADad]

I totally agree with you here! I would reallypefer not to have to be "over-bearing" but children sometimes chose freinds whose parents you don't agree with, and I just feel like other than not letting them go over <SIZE size="75">(If they BLATENTLY disreguard your concern, i mean like ;etting him play an M rated game or watch an R rated movie, i don't mean like "omg you let him watch spongebob he's never allowed over again")</SIZE> there's nothing I would be able to do to ramify the situation, I also have had concerns about if I don't allow him to go over there, the other parents may relatiate and not let their child at my house either, and all that does is hurt the kids! (and yes i've seen it happen...)

Yeah, I guess I get where you're going, perhaps I have the luxury of having a lot of great kids and parents around my son, he doesn't have any desire to spend time with the boys who act out (for lack of a better term) and it's not like they are here in a neighborhood, we live a good distance from school and most of his friends so, we have to arrange playdates and drive him to and from, it's not like we're talking about neighbors who can drop in or be dropped in upon, so, sorry, I have a pretty different situation. i was tring to write somegesstions on how you could handle the situation without being overbearing or making your child the target of retribution for your rules, and I can't come up with a good strategy, maybe it's time to come up with some kids you don't really want him associating with, maybe it's time to talk to him about what different parents allow and why you want him to fill his head with good stuff not bad...that's pretty heady stuff for a 6 yo, but it seems like your back is a little against the wall....

good luck

 

[buddylovebabi]

Thanks IADad, I appreciate your responses.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

I appreciate everyone's input, I understand being over bearing will make other parents resent me and possibly my child.

Most of what i meant was not that they had to keep the TV off or notallow the children to watch anything, but to be consiencious of what they have on IN FRONT of my kid.

again speaking for myself here, but with as many friends of my son are visiting, I am not going to remember who is not allowed a particular cartoon, or how many candies a week to eat.
so everybody who know us, they know that we have militaristic toys, we play Nintendo, we have dogs, and we eat candy. if someone thinks its something very wrong for their child, they are very welcome NOT to be our guests.

 

[DruidMom]

I have to agree that your TV show blacklist is a little too severe. Spongebob is far from Ren and Stimpy (though I loved that show as a kid) and maybe loosening up on that wouldn't be so bad. I mean what's wrong with MTV shows like Teen Pregnancy that direct the lesson that unprotected intercourse leads to the hardships the young teens portrayed go through? I understand that based on age this may not be the best example but I hope you know where I am going with it.
As for your request to other parents, I believe as a parent you have every right to make guidelines for you child but they should be followed in and out of your presence. It is a good early lesson too if you think about it. If the child follows the rules outside your presence they learn that you should always follow the rules regardless if some authority figure is watching or not. And honestly I would be careful of being too strict. It can bite you back in the end. That's why raising kids is tricky. Too lax on them they can get spoiled. Too strict and you can get a rebel. Try to trust your child a little more and maybe loosen up with some of the rules. I'm not saying plug in an R rated move ASAP or anything but I remember as a kid Mario squishing a mushroom man was considered violent. That really sucked growing up but I could discern enough that one does not act out what one one sees in video games and furthermore let us not forget that there are studies already out that were done in Japan, the video game Capitol of the world, and kids were playing violent games there like Left 4 Dead and Hitman and the kids were very nonaggressive. In fact, Japan has a lower crime
Rate than America and studies have attributed it to the media which includes video games. The people get their anger and frustration out on a video game or watching a movie instead of hurting or killing someone. This is of course merely a study and you can raise your child how you choose, just please don't judge games so harshly as you have. Thanks.

 

[IADad]

I mean what's wrong with MTV shows like Teen Pregnancy that direct the lesson that unprotected intercourse leads to the hardships the young teens portrayed go through? I understand that based on age this may not be the best example but I hope you know where I am going with it.

Well, I think you hit on part of it, that topic is not something a six year needs to be thinking about at all. I thik part of our duty as parents it to preserve at least a little bit of childhood innocence. Second, i don't know that a kid, even an adolescent, necessarily automatically takes away the same message from a show like that. If you want to watch that show with your adolescent child and have discussions about it, that's probably valuable, if you're just letting them watch whatever they want because there's probably some lesson to be learned then it's kind of a roll of the dice what message they'll take away.

Why is it my 8 yo, has not desire, has never asked, to play any violent video game? I really don't think he knows they exist and he's not addicted to his screen time at all. He has his own notebook, and I have to remind him to check his email, make suggestions for him to use it, he rarely plays video games at home, maybe once a week or so, and I think he probably plays alomst daily on the bus.

So, I'm not bragging at all, I'm just really wondering why my kid seems so different from what other people express? have I done something right? or has it just not whacked me in the face yet?