Unreasonable to ask of other parents?...

[Xero]

I don't know IADad, you seem pretty lucky to me! Honestly I would have to say that its all about the way a kid's brain works, and what kind of personality they have. Some kids don't put much thoughts into video games and they don't get real attached to them. Some kids really enjoy them and get real stuck on them. Some kids really enjoy and obsess over sports, some over music. I would bet its just one of those things where every kid is different.

I'd also be willing to bet its a monkey see monkey do type of thing. DS sees DH playing video games all the time, so I'm sure that contributes too.

 

[sbattisti]

Why is it my 8 yo, has not desire, has never asked, to play any violent video game?

I think there are a number of possibilities for things like this. Of course one of those is that your parenting has affected your child in this way. I think part of it, too, may be the age. At 8, children are not yet in the same realm of Internet and video game stuff that, say, a 10-year old is, and peer pressure is relatively low in 2nd grade as well. It will be interesting to see if your child has the same low level of interest in video games when he or she is, say 13.

But, he might! Every child is different, and you will have no way of knowing why he ended up the way he did. Parenting, peer relationships, individual personalities, these all roll up into who he will become, and we don't have any magic way of saying "Joe doesn't like video games because we didn't let him play them."

Just random thoughts.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

I remember as a kid Mario squishing a mushroom man was considered violent

WOW
then I must say, my son plays a lot of violent games -- Super Mario, Donkey Kong, Pokemon, Ben 10, Harry Potter. probably the only nonviolent one is Tetris then

well, everyone's entitled to their opinions. for myself the biggest concern is time spent. screens are just screens, and there's nothing too harmful unless they start to replace real life.

 

[IADad]

You know maybe I am just lucky...I suppose part of it is we try really hard to do different stuff, keep busy, have interests, so he likes drawing, takes piano lessons, plays soccer, and he has his gadgets (he has a phone with texting plan, computer, DSi, wii, likes to run, ride his bike, play a little basketball, so maybe it's partly that he has so much to do.

It will be interesting to see how the improtance of screen time progresses as he gets older.

Thanks for the thoughts.

 

[buddylovebabi]

Well, I appreciate all the input. However I think some of you misunderstood my veiws on "violent" video games.

I don't think that cartoon violence is a big issue, just like I don't think a kid watching bugs bunny blow up daffy duck is an issue, the issues I have are when the video games has real (pixilated) people and real (pixilated) weapons.

Just yesterday, (and i can pull up a video of him talking about this game JUST so i remember exactly what he said, jet me do that real quick)

DS: It's called hitman
Me: And what is this?
DS: It's a game
Me: Ok, and what did you say you can do in it?
DS: Strangle people!!!
Me: And what else?
DS: Shoot people!!
Me: Why would you shoot people?
DS: And take their clothes!
Me: Why would you take their clothes?
DS: To make diquises so they cant catch you for being a bad guy!

And later on when I watched a video review of the game, the main character actually takes a meat hook, and hooks people in the jaw with it, and drags them around.

AND MY SON IS PLAYING THIS AT HIS GRANDPARENTS???

(This isn't just a simple shoot them up game, you stangle people with wire, shoot people, stab them with meat hooks, and god knowsa whatelse they didn't show the whole game in the review.)

Personally I don't think any child should know how to put take meat hooks to people and strangle them with wire, and DS has become very violent, he used to be very sweet, but now he wants to fight all the time.

This is just my personal opinion, but I think that mario is no where near hitman or Grand theft auto. There is a difference between things that look like cartoons and defy physics and real people with realistic blood spatter and I could go on. But I won't... I just thought I should clarify my veiws.

 

[IADad]

I don't think anyboddy would much disagree with you.

I think thee's probably more going on here than just the issue of some games (I mean, why do you have this conversation on video?) which is none of our business, but it seems like it's your spouses job to step in and be the parent.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

with Hitman and GTA things are very straightforward. these are ADULT games. maybe ok for teenagers, but NOT for 7 year-olds. and shops don't sell them to underage customers.
i just assume, that these grandparents belong to category of people, who think that all videogames are kids-only stuff, and probably they don't know that Hitman is about killing people creatively (you can't be Silent Assasin if you shoot them).

one of my neighbours often brags that her 14yo son is very smart. he loves classical music and he has played GTA series since he was 5. oh well... and i thought that i'm insanely permissive

 

[Xero]

Oh no, I 100% agree with you on the video game violence! Mario doesn't come close to any of the stuff they have these days. DH likes those adult types of games, but he is not allowed to play them in front of DS and DS will not be allowed to play them at least until he is much older, maybe 16, but we will still see about it from there.

The insane amount of cussing combined with the blatant gang activity, drug dealing (oh yes, you do it!), and flat out pointless, emotionless murder in Grand Theft Auto is appalling and I don't think kids should be playing it until the late teen years. Even still it will be based on maturity.

Hitman is all about assassination, and bad detailed ways to murder people and being a bad guy and glorifying it all. Also not for kids IMO, though I've only seen DH play a little of this as he lost interest in it quickly. Wasn't the best game ever, honestly. :/ Got boring.

DH also plays this game when DS is in bed that creeps me out, Fallout 3, where this guy runs around in a world that has basically been destroyed by nuclear warfare and its full of mutant people and animals, and other insanely freaky and disgusting stuff, and you have to blow off their heads in the most gory way ever. Like heads fly off at the necks, blood exploding everywhere, really realistic and detailed guts and gore. The whole thing is really scary and disgusting in general. Plus every other word is a swear word in this one too. I'm telling you, these games are rated M (18+) for a reason!!!

I remember this other game called Manhunt that DH used to play that was like, some guy they let out of prison doing a snuff film and basically the nastier you could make a murder, the more points you got kinda? lol. You could kill a guy with anything by sneaking up on him, like a baseball bat, a crowbar, a broken glass bottle, a plastic bag, gosh anything!! haha. And if you were sneaky enough you'd get some special action with each thing where you'd do like the grossest thing imaginable to kill the guy. And that was to be rewarded! So yeah, another game I would be appalled to find out a kid was playing. Ew.

The Halo and Call of Duty games I might allow at an earlier age, say 12 or 13, maybe a little earlier depending on maturity, because honestly most of it is pretty harmless. You are still killing people and using weapons, so I wouldn't let a little one play them, but there is only a small and not terribly disturbing amount of blood involved, no gore at all in Halo and only very slightly in COD (like an arm getting blown off) and its more of a game like get rid of the other team etc. There's nothing too villainous or corrupting about them, one depicts a war situation and the other is just like space fighting. Still killing people though, so not for little ones. I would allow Halo games before COD though, because COD is a little grungy compared to the cartoony fantasy of Halo and there's also a lot of swearing some of the COD games.

But yeah, I totally get where you're coming from, and I probably feel close to the same for the most part. And honestly, they made bad games when I was a kid like Duke Nukem and Doom and stuff. The graphics were horrible but they were still gory and violent. I don't really think Mario compares to those lol.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

my little secret... I LOVE Hitman. I play it when I can't sleep at nights. i can't wait for part 5, since i played all 4 over and over.
when my kids are old enough for it, i assume there will be way nastier stuff and poor agent 47 will be long retired
whatever. games are like movies. Scarface or Seven are classics. but everybody knows they are for mature audiences. what comes to games, older generation simply needs more info.

Xero, you mentioned gory old games. do you recall Mortal Kombat? it was about killing people in really gruesome ways. but all children loved it, and parents didn't understand

 

[MomoJA]

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask, but it might be a little unrealistic to think that, even though you've asked, it's not going to happen.

It might be a little more effective to make sure that your children only go to houses with similar values as yours. Or, as others have suggested, to make your child responsible for his or her own choices.

Also, sometimes it's nearly as effective for your child to understand that in your family, you don't approve of this or that, but that there are different rules and expectations in different places and situations. Unfortunately, it will be impossible to completely shield your children from negative influences, so arming them with the ability to recognize them and hold out against them is important. I say this because I've considered taking my child overseas again to avoid some of these influences, and at this point, I can't imagine ever letting her go on a sleepover. But I'm coming to realize that no matter what I do, she is going to be exposed to things I don't want her to be exposed to.

 

[LaraTaylor]

I feel like everyone is missing the point.

If you have a child over as a guest, you should be respectful of their lifestyle and belief system. You wouldn't force a child not to pray before a meal because you don't for example, would you? While some of these things may not seem dangerous to you, that's beside the point! It's not your child and to tell someone you may not be able to fulfill their wishes is like saying, "I'm not gonna take care of your child like you do and tough crap!"

As several people said, you typically surround yourself with similarly minded parents and families and it's not a problem.

I agree that the child should be told to speak up for himself but you should also coach them and teach them to offer alternatives: "I'm not allowed to play that. Can we play legos? Can we go ride bikes?" The point of shielding your child from these things is to teach them about what is appropriate in general---I mean, it's not like you would be ok with your child being overly violent just because now he's 16 and not 6! I know studies were being done about the connection between violence/shooting at schools and violent video games (obviously not talking Mario Bros here!). I say to my children "we don't like you to watch that because it is not appropriate for children" or "we don't like you to watch that because it is really violent and we as a family don't watch really violent stuff."
Don't get me wrong, my DH and I LOVE movies and play video games on occasion ourselves and our kids have seen some PG and PG-13 movies under our supervision. But I would be totally respectful of other families who don't believe or watch as we do.

I guess I'm trying to say that what a family has as guidelines for movies and video games is about their values and their morals, which is very personal and should not be poo-poo'd or put down.

The other thing is, I am very surprised at how judgemental people are being! I don't like SpongeBob for my kids either! And it's not for you to tell me or anyone else how they should be parenting or that they are being too strict. That's really none of your business! Everyone has different parenting styles and should be willing to compromise. I would say, if a parent came to me and said "I don't want my kids watching My Little Pony" and I thought, "well that's crazy stupid!" I'd say, "Ok, no problem! Outside playdate it is!" or "Ok, we'll play playdoh!" And you just adapt to each other's idosyncracies. At least you know that when your child goes to their house, there will be absolutely nothing inappropriate seen or played by your child!

Alternately, if your child really likes another child but you know their household is not like yours, just always suggest they either play at your house so you have some control or tell your child they have to play outside, period, he is not allowed inside their house. That's it!

My son is told that violence isn't good and that gory things will give him nightmares and so he will tell people all the time, "I can't watch that! It'll give me nightmares!" lol

So I think it's just about being careful, communicative with both your kids and the other parents as well as teaching your children about good values and what values you have as a family.

But I also have to agree with someone, I'm not sure who said it, but if you are the step-parent, it's really your spouse who should be setting the guidelines and seeing them through in my opinion. I think that is Dr.Phil's opinion too! lol I'm just saying, maybe you shouldn't be so stressed about it, as this is really your spouse's job! Just a thought!
Good luck!!

 

[Xero]

Welcome to the forum, LaraTaylor. Why don't you check out our introductions forum and introduce yourself there, so we can all get to know you?

As far as your views on being respectful reguarding the wishes of other parents, I completely agree and I imagine most of us here agree as well. I think we would all try our best to follow the rules or specifications that other parents give us when their children are in our care. But I don't know that you can just assume that the whole world is going to feel the same, or that they will care enough to be this way as well. That's why I personally think it is most important that kids learn to say no, and speak up when they aren't allowed to do something, all on their own. Some parents don't care about your rules, or what you care about, or don't pay any attention to what their kids are doing, or are too busy to notice what is on TV etc. Not only that, but you can't cover every little thing without standing there for an hour when your child goes somewhere else, so that's why its good for your kids to know what they can and can't do and be willing and able to say so.

I mean in a perfect world, you could tell any parent you come across what you do and don't like, and they will follow those wishes religiously with ever last drop of respect they can muster, but honestly in the real world eveybody just isn't like that. Doesn't really matter what you think other parents SHOULD do.

As for the spongebob thing, I didn't say anyone was being too strict, I just said that in my opinion it isn't that bad of a show and wasn't a big deal if they saw spongebob at someone else's house for the most part, so maybe to choose your battles and know what's really important and what is okay to look past. I also said that it isn't comparable to Ren and Stimpy, and it definitely isn't. That's just advice and opinions, and if the OP felt that it wasn't "my business" to say so, then she shouldn't have put her opinions on Spongebob on the worldwide web and asked for people to comment on it (that sounded directed at the OP, but really its not lol). That's what a forum is for. A forum is definitely not a good place to post things that are not other people's business. All I was saying is that I would not ban my child from another child's house if they were allowed to watch Spongebob there.

 

[LaraTaylor]

I know, I am an idealist.

What I was saying was, I couldn't believe that people acted like she was being unreasonable. You may not agree with how other people raise their kids, which happens all the time, but to be so vocal as to be almost rude to her about it was a little surprising.

I personally don't feel the need to stand and watch every little thing that my child does and I'm not suggesting anyone else do that either (for their own child or when they try to go on a playdate!). Further, I also stated that I thought it best to teach your child what to say and to give them suggestions as to what they could say when in a situation you may not approve of when you're not there.

I actually said right off the bat that you couldn't tell people what to do. And again, to tell your kids to tell other parents they couldn't watch certain things. We're basically saying the same thing here....

Also, I never mentioned the cartoons except to say I didn't care for Spongebob myself and that people shouldn't judge the parent because she has a different opinion on cartoons. Again, the particular cartoons isn't the point (but everyone latched onto that spongebob comment for some reason!) but that people are telling her not to be overbearing or bossy, but they in turn are being overbearing and bossy by telling her her views are wrong! I was wondering where the actual parenting advice was (such as, then have the kids come to your house instead!). But instead, the majority of responses were picking apart her examples, where she was just trying to illustrate her point of view.

And it's funny that you say "It doesn't really matter what you think other parents SHOULD do," because isn't that what you were just saying?? lol You're (that's a general "you" not "Xero" in particular!!) telling her that her opinions on what her kids should and shouldn't watch are wrong when she wasn't asking that---she was asking how to approach parents whose views on parenting were different from hers.

I was trying to point out that people were making it all personal and honing in on her cartoon and video game choices (I mean, people were debating about specific games and which ones they thought were ok!) when all the poor woman wanted to know was whether or not it was ok to approach another parent about this and if so, how to do it!

That's all I was trying to say!

 

[Father_0f_7]

but that people are telling her not to be overbearing or bossy, but they in turn are being overbearing and bossy by telling her her views are wrong! I

Please feel free to prove me wrong if possible.

I don't see anywhere someone telling the OP that she was wrong. I saw most of the posters were SUGGESTING what she COULD do. I Also see people giving their opinions on the questions she asked ("Is it unreasonable to ask --- of other parents"). That is the point of this.

I also don't see anywhere in this thread where the original poster was called bossy or overbearing.

Again, if I'm wrong please show me.

 

[buddylovebabi]

I don't think anyboddy would much disagree with you.

I think thee's probably more going on here than just the issue of some games (I mean, why do you have this conversation on video?) which is none of our business, but it seems like it's your spouses job to step in and be the parent.

because his mother tells us he doesn't play bad games, and that she doesn't badmouth us in front of him, DS says she does. I have started recording the things he says happen over there, and when i have enough we are goign to go to her and say: "look, we have proof, you are lying to us, or he is lying to us, which is it?"

Because she just does not beleive he tells us these things, she thinks we make it up! (another invident happened where she didn't take him to school, and she was tiredof her oparents hounding her about him being late to school all the time, so she TOLD DS to LIE to his grandparents, and say he DID go to school!!!! Her mother told us this, and we talked to him about it and DS told us his mother made him lie, and now everyone but DS has changed their stories to say it never happened and that her mother never SAID it happened! <SIZE size="75">THAT'S ANOTHER TOPIC THOUGH, PM ME IF YO UWANT TO TALK ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF POSTING ON HERE</SIZE>)

 

[Xero]

What I was saying was, I couldn't believe that people acted like she was being unreasonable. You may not agree with how other people raise their kids, which happens all the time, but to be so vocal as to be almost rude to her about it was a little surprising.

Really? I didn't see anyone being rude about it. I think everyone has a right to either agree or disagree about something, including whether or not spongebob is bad for kids to watch. I also didn't see anyone calling names or accusing the OP of anything. I find it a little strange that you're dwelling on this. No one was directing any spongebob comments at you? The OP never acted offended at any of that, and I think you're kinda sticking your nose where it doesn't belong, no offense. If she wanted to say something, then she could. I highly doubt anyone here has intentions of making anyone feel bad over their opinions of spongebob though. I am really failing to see all of this hostility that you are seeming to think we created. People are allowed to be honest, and we can talk about things that the OP did not SPECIFICALLY ask us to talk about. There is no rule against that. We're human beings. Relax.

And it's funny that you say "It doesn't really matter what you think other parents SHOULD do," because isn't that what you were just saying?? lol You're (that's a general "you" not "Xero" in particular!!) telling her that her opinions on what her kids should and shouldn't watch are wrong when she wasn't asking that---she was asking how to approach parents whose views on parenting were different from hers.

Right but the difference there is that every parent you meet isn't staring at a parentingforum waiting for replies (from you) in reguards to their parenting style and concerns. The OP is asking for advice/views/opinions from the members here. "Other parents" out in the world are not. The difference there is very clear. I also never told her she was wrong, if you would want to take another look at my post, I only went as far as to say that spongebob is not comparable to Ren and Stimpy and that Spongebob might be a little more difficult to force people to keep off their TVs considering it is an extremely popular KIDS show.

I was trying to point out that people were making it all personal and honing in on her cartoon and video game choices (I mean, people were debating about specific games and which ones they thought were ok!) when all the poor woman wanted to know was whether or not it was ok to approach another parent about this and if so, how to do it!

That's all I was trying to say!

Its really quite common and harmless for posts to be slightly off topic here and there, and I find it a little odd that the video game and spongebob spinoffs offended you so much, considering they were still very close to topic. I just find it odd that you are so offended by something that frankly didn't seem to bother the OP one bit.

 

[buddylovebabi]

But I also have to agree with someone, I'm not sure who said it, but if you are the step-parent, it's really your spouse who should be setting the guidelines and seeing them through in my opinion. I think that is Dr.Phil's opinion too! lol I'm just saying, maybe you shouldn't be so stressed about it, as this is really your spouse's job! Just a thought!
Good luck!!

I would like to address this statement, I am not going to be mean, just say that I dissagree, and state why. Here are my reasons:

Reguardless of my biological offiliation with this child, I am still an authoritative or parental figure in his life. I am still the woman whose house he will soon be living in, I am still the woman who watches him, used to bath him and change his diapers, cooks for him, used to feed him, helps get him dressed, helps him figure out his homework or other things he has troubles with like the computer, and I am still one of the women he calls "mom."

That being stated, I am an authority figure, and his mom, whether he came out of me or not, he, i and his father all agree that I am a mom to him.

Even if you DO NOT share that particular viewpoint, I would like to bring up a different one than beign a parent at all.

If a teach asked your child to do this that or the other thing, and your child turned to that teacher (or boss in his teens) or daycare provider, or grandparents, and said to them "No, you aren't my Mom/Dad!!!" how would you feel?? regaurdless if I am his Bio mom or bio dad, or bio ANYTHING he still needs to respect me and respect my rules in my home.

Also on a side note of this point, his father and I agree on this matter, so it is not only me facilitating these rules. (I'm sorry this was long and a little ranting, I just get this from his mother constantly, and it just irks me.)

 

[buddylovebabi]

Anyway, I appreciate Lara deffending me. I hope I didn't sound offended, I was just trying to express my thoughts on a subject. and while I do agree that people got off topic, it's ok because we did redirect back.

Another thing that kind of confuses me are people's constant reference to spongebob. In my personal opinion spongebob is pretty dirty.

Examples:
Barnicle boy refers to mermaid man wearing a bra!
a quote: "I guess you're gunna miss the panty raid" "The panty raid? you're talking about girls right? and you're talking about raiding their dressers for their underpants right?" (Afterwards they climb INTO A GIRLS WINDOW AND GO THROUGH HER PANTY DRAWER!

Yes I compared it to ren and stimpy, but i also stated I didnt understand those jokes when i was a kid.

But Lara really is right, that wasn't the point, lol. heck, maybe someone finds my little pony innapropriate, i'm sure they have their reasons!

I do agree with XERO and IADad though, this post was made so that I can be told (by people who do not live in the same house and me and are not constantly around me and have no opnions of me personally) that i am or am not over reacting. because I get a lot of " you are over reacting/ you shouldn't be worried about it" from my family. (They also think that since I am not DS's bio mom that I shouldn't worry about things like his dicipline and other things, but I love him and want him to grow up healthy and I think that people constantly lying around him and playing M rated games is just not ok for a 7 year old!)

But i digress, the post was made to get other people's opinions, all of which i value. I too value LaraTayler's (and other's) opinion of how I am right, just as much as I appreciate someone else's opinion that i am wrong. All I can do is look at it logically and decide for myself, I like to get all the sides of a story before I make a discision. and other people's opinions (whether I agree with them or not) help me do that. I can argue my points, and they can argue their's, but it is unltimately who walks away with what that matters, if all you walk away from my post thinking is "Man i can't believe she thinks spongebob is so bad!" or "She is so overbearing!" then I am sorry for you, because it was meant as a discussion to make people think about what their veiws are. (This is not directed at anyone) I just hope that everyone walks away from this thread with a little more "From the other side" as it were.

 

[buddylovebabi]

Also, i hope no one called me any names!!! I would be very sad!

 

[buddylovebabi]

IDK how to delete posts, so i just rewrote it to say this. (I had to change too much and ended up writing a different reply, not knowing i couldn't delete this one! lol!)