Well.....you survived!...

[NinJaBob]

I get the "Well.....you survived!" line every time I catch my mother doing something reckless with my children. Almost every time I don't alow my mother to do just anything that she wants with the kids her only argument is "I raised you the same way and well......you survived!"

Do you get that from your parents?

What kinds of things have happened where you were told that?

When I was a kid we didn't wear seat belts.
I drank beer with my step-dad at a young age.
I used regular and power tools without adult supervision.
I was a latchkey kid when I was very young.
I ate whatever I wanted.
I watched whatever I wanted on TV

The list goes on but the answer is always the same. "Well.....you survived." I usually say "Yes but you didn't know any better for the most part but now you do."

 

[singledad]

Geez... your stories make me think my parents did me a favour by walking out of my life

There is no way in hell I would trust either of them with my daughter...

 

[stjohnjulie]

Well, I guess you can just tell her that you are of the school of "if you know better, you do better" and thank he for all of the first hand knowledge of all of the things that you should never let your kids do now that you are a parent too.

That is such a lame excuse people use when they can't come up with any kind of fact to base their actions on. I hear people use that one in regards to hitting their kids all the time. My husband survived some extreme abuse dished out by his mom and even though today he is a stable, moral, wonderful man he had to go through many many years of emotional hell to get there. Sometimes I wonder what he would have been like if he didn't have to go through all of that. But mostly I wonder how he ever turned out to be who he is today. One thing I know for sure, he will NEVER lay a hand on a child. He know better, and will do better.

 

[NinJaBob]

My parent aren't evil but they are ignorant and unwilling to learn from the mistakes that their parents made. As bad as I had it my parents had it way worse. They did improve some from what they grew up with but they could go a lot farther. I blame it on laziness, ignorance and selfishness Those all bad qualities for sure. The hard part is that they can't see it. They think that they are doing the right things. If you ever talk to my parents they think that they are the most wonderful people that a kid could have. They don't screw up constantly because they want to hurt me, they do it and think that they are righteous.

How can you improve behavior that appears to be positive in the eyes of the person that is at fault? I don't know.

I didn't realize that hanging out in a bar for hours at a time (at 8 years old) was wrong until I had a friend over and he told his parents what we did. Then they wouldn't let him come over anymore. I'm not talking about Chilies Bar and Grille. I'm talking about Roadhouse before Patrick Swayze got there.

It's warped I know but it is what it is

 

[islandnative]

The main thing I need to stress with my parents is the world has changed since I was a kid in the 70's. They were more hands off as parents, but the environment we were raised in was less toxic.

Nowadays there are more ways for kids to get in trouble. And the trouble seems to be more severe. As grandparents they are not going to change much and I don't expect them to. But I can explain why we parent the way we do. It's different because our kids are growing up in a culture that's different. They seem to understand that and take it for what its worth.

That said, they still seem to buy into things that are not best for kids, which is a little scary. But the same can be said for a lot of influences out there including some of their friends, even daycare and pre-school.

I think it's important to teach kids that as parents our expectations and rules may be a little different than what they experience elsewhere and that's just the way it is. Period.

 

[wannahav3]

The world has changed and we as parents have to change with the times. Yeah, I survived my mom and dad's parenting skills but what could they have changed so I would have had less struggles as a teenager and young adult. I believe if they knew better they would have done whatever they could to make my life as their child better and safer. I expect my parents to respect my choices as a parent and instruct my kids as I choose. If they blatantly disrespected me then I would have serious reservations about leaving them alone with my children!

 

[Michiganmomto1]

I remember riding my bike a pretty far distance from my house and would be gone ALL DAY. I dont know how my mom did it, not knowing where I was. I get mad at my son if he doesnt answer his phone when I call. Generally its because he didnt hear it and calls right back I cant imagine not touching base with him all day while he wanders around. When he goes to my mom's house who lives "in town" she tends to let him walk to the park/school/ice cream shop with friends. I ask her all types of questions, (who, how long, where exactly are they going? etc) and she is so laid back about it. We even had a stranger danger in our area (which she knew about) and told her he could NOT leave her street AT ALL!! She said what if he goes with some other kids? I said NO - HELLO MOM the school just sent a letter home about some idiot asking kids if they need a ride. (turned out be nothing, but we didnt know that at the time) I think (like someone else mentioned) she doesnt quite understand how different things are now. And she has said those dreaded words too: You survived didnt you? I did ok with you!

 

[TabascoNatalie]

my mother recently said: "why do you still need a nanny? Marvin is old enough to look after William. Your sister that age was looking after you."
well... that is true. there was the same difference between me and my sister. and she was looking after me, being in primary school. well, I SURVIVED, but as for my children, Marvin looking after William... I... just... don't... think... so...

 

[mom2many]

It's true though.

And way to many parents take it the other way. Neither generation is right or wrong, things were just done differently. You'd think with all of this technology we would be more relaxed and yet the exact opposite is true. To some extent all of out "advancement" has created fearful parents.

I hung out in bars with my mom, I stayed up late on bowling night. I watched adults get drunk on a regular bases. This did not make my mom a bad parent, I wasn't neglected, I was loved, her style was different. I am not scared for life, do not think I have issues because of it. I wished parents would relax and really let kids be kids.

 

[NinJaBob]

I don't like to quote statistics because I believe that they can be manipulated to show what ever anyone wants them to show. That being said I gotta think that my children have a better chance at survival if my parents don't leave butcher knives, pesticides and power tools lying around where the kids can reach them especially if my parents don't commit themselves to watching the children.

Anyway I'm sure everyone's experience is different growing up but as a result of my parents negligence I was exposed to a lot of dangerous situations and a lot of bad things happened to me. Luckily I resented how I was raise so mu that I did not fall in my families footsteps or alcoholism and drug abuse. My parents (mostly my dad and step-dad) were not there for me because they were busy shooting pool, gambling and drinking. My step dad doesn't attend any of my sons sporting events because it conflicts with his bar time. At the same time he feels justified. That's fine if that's the relationship that he wants but I personally enjoy children and love being with mine and hope that someday I'll get to go to my granddaughters dance recital or basketball game.

My problem is the selfishness and refusal to show the children that they are concerned with things that are important to the children.

I guess what I am saying is that it's a percentage game and life is tough. We as parents have a responsibility to help our children learn how to thrive in it as much as possible so then when they are alone and are facing a tough decision they will be prepared.

I grew up in a bar and turned out ok and there are kids from "good" families that are rotten to the core but I have to believe hat those are the exceptions to the rule.

 

[Xero]

Well I think that the "you survived" phrase could be referring to countless things including an insane amount of gray areas, from harmless dumb stuff to really important potentially damaging stuff. I think there are some things that a lot of people are a little crazy about that maybe don't matter as much as we think. For instance, when my grandparents had their babies they didn't have jarred food and they just mashed up whatever they were having for dinner and that's what the babies got! I kind of wonder if that matters or not sometimes, you know? Sometimes maybe its not that big of a deal for adults to get a little drunk around the kids, maybe. Certain bars across the world might have much less harmful environments than others, and some parents abused that environment with their kids and some didn't (a gray area). And yeah, sometimes silly things parents focus like crazy on aren't that important like bed times or what's for dinner or letting our kids get away with stuff or letting our kids go certain places or hang out with certain people etc etc...

I could go on, but honestly there is a lot of very bad stuff that I can look back on that I "survived" as well. I was allowed to leave the house for the day and go wherever I wanted on my bike or walking around from age five. I honestly can look back and think of way too many situations that I got into because of this that absolutely no kid should get into. I played with fire, I got lost in the woods, I was sexually abused by some boys in my neighborhood (nothing too bad, just stuff I would kill people for if I found out they did it to my daughter), I almost got hit by a car at least three times in my life while crossing the highway on my bike, and all of that is just scratching the surface. My mom took me into casinos, as she had a gambling problem, and some of the regular guys would go out of their way to put me on their laps and (now that I look back on it as an adult) be creepy about it.

I was allowed to watch R-rated movies, blood, gore, sex, rape, murder you name it, from the age of four. I can remember watching the nightmare on elm st movies and the Child's play movies all the time from an insanely early age. I honestly truly think that watching all those disgusting adult movies kind of messed me up in the head a little, made me a little scared, and made me very uncomfortable. You can't express those things as a child though. It literally makes me sick the kind of stuff she'd put me in front of, and I just think that kind of thing on a regular basis is horrible for a child's mentality. There is just no reason on this planet that a kid that young should be exposed to that kind of stuff, even if they don't cry about it being scary or cry about nightmares, its still scary and disturbing and not for the mind of a child. There are several GOOD REASONS why those movies are marked 17 and older!!!! I will let my DH get away with a little bit of blood and explosions in say an action movie or certain video games or something in front of Eli, but that is my absolute limit. I do not allow any movies with anything obviously scary, murder, gore, sex, rape, excessive cuss words, or anything else disturbing like that. It is very easy for us to wait until he is sleeping to indulge in our fondness of horror movies and whatnot.

I could go on! This is all leaving out the severe physical and emotional abuse she put me through, so yeah (I guess there were several good reasons why I was put in foster care).

So that's why I'm trying to say that in some instances parents might be over reacting or over protective but there are also a lot of instances where we have bettered ourselves and the lives of our kids by disreguarding a lot of the ways we were raised.

 

[singledad]

Well I think that the "you survived" phrase could be referring to countless things including an insane amount of gray areas, from harmless dumb stuff to really important potentially damaging stuff. I think there are some things that a lot of people are a little crazy about that maybe don't matter as much as we think.
....
So that's why I'm trying to say that in some instances parents might be over reacting or over protective but there are also a lot of instances where we have bettered ourselves and the lives of our kids by disreguarding a lot of the ways we were raised.

So true, Xero. I know I tend to overreact on a lot of things, and I can most definitely also trace it back to things I "survived" that I shouldn't have had to survive.

When we were kids, we basically ran wild in the neighbourhood from a very young age. I don't think our parents ever really knew, or cared for that matter, where we were or what we were up to. We played in the streets, made a nuisance of ourselves at the mall, hung out with all kinds of unsavory characters in dodgy places, nicked food from the greengrocer's or the bakery when we were hungry, etc. We got ourselves beat up by older guys who were also up to no good, we were exposed to booze, drugs, pornography, etc long before we were ready to cope with it, etc etc. And like Xero, I'm leaving out the abuse here.

Needless to say, I was a totally out-of-control teenager, partly because I was never taught to tell right from wrong, and partly because I was desperately unhappy, and acting out was the only way I could cope. I am OK now, I have a good life, a steady job, etc, so "I survived", but frankly, I am lucky to have survived my teenage years and early twenties. Statistically, I shouldn't even be alive, and although I'll admit that I have to take some responsibility, and blaming all my mistakes on my parents is a cop-out, I don't think I would have gone as low as I did if I had a good upbringing.

I know I'm paranoid about protecting my daughter, making her feel safe and loved, and controlling what she is exposed to. Perhaps there are times when I am overprotective, but given what I went through as a child, I'll rather err on the side of caution.

Lastly - I may sound bitter when I say that I'm glad I don't have contact with my parents, but I'm not really. Believe me, it hurt like hell when my mother walked out, and being outright rejected by my father ("I don't want you for a son anymore"), even after all he had done to me, was a horrible experience. But I have come to realise that if they were still in my life, I would still be subjected to the same constant rejection from my mother, and even if my father couldn't beat me up or do anything else to me anymore, he would still be emotionally abusive, just like NinjaBob's stepdad. Now that I have a child, I am deeply grateful that I don't have to spend my days ducking and diving to get out of exposing her to people that I don't care to spend time with myself. They're both gone - and that saves me a lot of pain and drama.

 

[NancyM]

NinjaBob

I think you're right to protect your child from what ever you feel necessary. Unfortunately in your case it's your parents, but you know best, and you went through it first hand so you are correct.

Xero and Singledad, I'm so saddened by your stories. I wish people would give their children up to someone who really wants kids, than to hurt them like that. It's so sad.

A long time ago I found out that my best childhood girlfriend was being sexually abused by her father since she was 2 or 3. I can't explain that shock, I was with her every day and even slept there often, I don't know how I never knew it.

Today she is alone, her mother took her father's side and she hasn't seen them in maybe 20 years, was married 4 times, abandoned her children ( had no parent skills) abandoned her only sister who did defend her later, has no sense of family nor can she remain in any normal relationship. All the 'men' she meets in bars use her for sex as you can imagine. She was older than me but growing up she could only relate to young people, all her friends including boyfriends were a lot younger than her. she's in her middle 50's. I love her and We're always in touch but I can't hang out with her because she still lives her life like an teenager mentality wise.

I always feel her sadness.

My point here is that ever since I found this out, I promised myself that I would always 'get involved' if I know or suspected a child was being abused, no matter who the family is. If I suspected I will make it my business to find out.

I know that's a big NO-NO , and most people turn the other way, but I will not.

I don't get involved in other people's business at all as a rule, and could care less how anyone chooses to live, as long as they don't hurt their children.

I never forget what my friend told me, that she use to pray at night for angels to save her since her stupid mother claims she never knew or realized her husband leaving the bed every other night...personally I find this hard to believe.

I wish more people would stick their neck out and bud in when it comes to child abuse, it could be happening in your neighbors home as well as your church. Out of all the causes to defend, for me this one is the most important, even if it only saves one child.

 

[mom2many]

I don't like to quote statistics because I believe that they can be manipulated to show what ever anyone wants them to show. That being said I gotta think that my children have a better chance at survival if my parents don't leave butcher knives, pesticides and power tools lying around where the kids can reach them especially if my parents don't commit themselves to watching the children.

Anyway I'm sure everyone's experience is different growing up but as a result of my parents negligence I was exposed to a lot of dangerous situations and a lot of bad things happened to me. Luckily I resented how I was raise so mu that I did not fall in my families footsteps or alcoholism and drug abuse. My parents (mostly my dad and step-dad) were not there for me because they were busy shooting pool, gambling and drinking. My step dad doesn't attend any of my sons sporting events because it conflicts with his bar time. At the same time he feels justified. That's fine if that's the relationship that he wants but I personally enjoy children and love being with mine and hope that someday I'll get to go to my granddaughters dance recital or basketball game.

My problem is the selfishness and refusal to show the children that they are concerned with things that are important to the children.

I guess what I am saying is that it's a percentage game and life is tough. We as parents have a responsibility to help our children learn how to thrive in it as much as possible so then when they are alone and are facing a tough decision they will be prepared.

I grew up in a bar and turned out ok and there are kids from "good" families that are rotten to the core but I have to believe hat those are the exceptions to the rule.

What I am really hearing....and maybe it is just my interpretation. Is that you parents aren't as involved with your children as much as you would like, and when they are there it isn't how you want them to behave?

Which is really a different issue then "you survived". Meaning they didn't parent you in a away that felt loved and nourished, and they aren't grand parenting them in a way that leaves you to believe your children are being loved and nourished. I see 2 seperate issues here. If they are leaving butcher knives out then ya step up and tell them to put them away, it's a danger. Power tools careless but if they aren't plugged in pretty harmless (most of them not all). Depending on the age of the child there are some things they should no better then doing, so a little haphazardness shouldn't be a major issue.

However, the more you right the more it seems as if the real issue is the emotional aspect of your children's relationship with their grandparents. And that is sadly not something us parents can force our parents to do. Some parents were meant to be parents and grandparents, it almost a part of their DNA and others just never have that emotional bond. The question really is "How much are you willing to overlook" and "what are your childrens feeling on this?" My mom is less invovlved (distance does play a part) and my MIL is almost to involved, but they both love the kids, just in completely different ways. My kids are fine with this, it is just the way it is.
Really the ball is in your court, and only you can decide what it is you and your family need from them and whether or not it is going to work for you guys.

Gosh I hope that makes sense...and I mean not ill will, just a different perspective.

Well I think that the "you survived" phrase could be referring to countless things including an insane amount of gray areas, from harmless dumb stuff to really important potentially damaging stuff. I think there are some things that a lot of people are a little crazy about that maybe don't matter as much as we think. For instance, when my grandparents had their babies they didn't have jarred food and they just mashed up whatever they were having for dinner and that's what the babies got! I kind of wonder if that matters or not sometimes, you know? Sometimes maybe its not that big of a deal for adults to get a little drunk around the kids, maybe. Certain bars across the world might have much less harmful environments than others, and some parents abused that environment with their kids and some didn't (a gray area). And yeah, sometimes silly things parents focus like crazy on aren't that important like bed times or what's for dinner or letting our kids get away with stuff or letting our kids go certain places or hang out with certain people etc etc...

I could go on, but honestly there is a lot of very bad stuff that I can look back on that I "survived".

I think you hit it on the nail....a whole lot of grey area's.

 

[NinJaBob]

What I am really hearing....and maybe it is just my interpretation. Is that you parents aren't as involved with your children as much as you would like, and when they are there it isn't how you want them to behave?

Which is really a different issue then "you survived".

Gosh I hope that makes sense...and I mean not ill will, just a different perspective.

I see your point and you are partially right. They are 2 separate issues but also linked in a very real way to me.

The fact that they totally refuse to think ahead and try to create a afe environment for the kids and also aren't willing to make room in their lives for the children if it interrupts their drinking. The drinking is really mote my step-dad but if he wants my mom to blow off an important event to go to the "club" she does it.

I got the same treatment. I had access to all sorts of dangerous things and was left alone a lot and also they didn't participate in anything positive.

So My point is that they treat my kids the same way that they treated me because I survived both the lack of emotional support and the physical dangers.

The consequences are that my sisters were really messed up for a long time and honestly still aren't right. Their families don't don't associate with my parents except for large family events like Christmas and such. I see my mother a lot but avoid my step-dad at all costs. My adult nieces and nephews also never visit my parents. They don't call or email them either.

I had hoped that someday my parents would grow up and realize what they are missing. I wished that they would see the error of their ways and attempt to do the right things with my kids but it's probably not going to happen. I want this for my parents because when you are old and alone it must be awful. Also I want my kids to have good memories of their grandparents and not feel the same way that my nieces and nephews do.

Basically the attitude is "you survived". I don't want my kids to just survive. I want them to excel and to be safe and to feel loved.

 

[mom2many]

I see what you are sating and I agree, but there really is nothing that can be done. They are who they are and as much as you may wish for them to change, I doubt they will cause for them, they did a good job raising their children, and it was most likely the best that they could do.

You have the opportunity to do better though. So focus on what you can do and know that you are doing the best you can and it is better then your parents.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

what i noticed here... we're talking about extremes.
what about non-extremes? just a different social/cultural background?

myself i come from a middle-class family, well -- inner city, Eastern Europe... yes, i played in the streets (we had no decent playgrounds), had fights, had to cook my own meals, etc. yes, i felt my parents were too strict or unfair (whar kid doesn't think so?) but... never felt neglected or unloved. on the contrary... even the strictest parent wouldn't have thought of not allowing their kids to play in the streets.

now i live in UK. and some things feel strange.like... kids can't walk to school by themselves. we live just around the corner from school. 2 min walk. my neighbours see the school building from their window. still they have to walk their 10 yo kid to school.
my parents never walked me to school... though it was in much greater distance.

 

[superman]

wht about a thimble full of liquor for toothin lol

 

[NancyM]

Yes Superman, I remember my parents giving us that too, when we had tooth aches. lol we slept good anyway!

 

[SmileSaver]

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