I am at a loss and need help...

[Cowart69]

I am a 39 year old father of two a 16 year old son and a 12 year old daughter.

Over the course of this year my daughter has gotten so bad with her grades that I am now really really concerned.....she gets grades for the first half of the school year at the end of the month and I am fairly certain she is failing every class.

I simply dont know what to do.

At the beginning of the year me and my wife took a child and were responsibile for keeping track of their progress (I took my son....no problems with him as he is a student athlete and has to make his grades in order to play)

My wife however handled her end really badly (and I am very frustrated at her about it) as she took my daughters word to much and a lot of what she said wasn't true....I have NEVER seen my daughter lie about what is going on in school as I have this year.

Therefore I told my wife to to forget it and I will montor both kids. I have tried the following actions:

- I have emailed the teachers and asked them to let me know if anything is going on and I will take action immediately...this has been futile as the teachers are also not giving me information in a timely manner and only when I ask for it. This results in finding out things too late.

- The school sells a planner that the student can write down their assignments and the teacher can sign off every day....I get NO INFO from the teachers in this planner even though I have asked for it.

Now I get a progress report that is manditory from the school showing all these homework assignments, bad grades on tests, basically stuff i can do nothing about at this time....I NEEDED TO KNOW THEN.

Then of course there is the issue with my daughter, who is basically lieing to me and blowing off school. I ask her daily "tests to take this week" "homeowrk all done" "let me sign off your planner"

NONE OF IT IS WORKING

I have talked to....talked to some more....and last night when I saw the reports I just blew up and yelled at her. I have not yet spanked her (I stopped spanking as discipline years ago when I realized that I could not control my emotions and myself when I did it) and I dont want to go back to that.

I just dont know what to do....right now I am frustrated at everybody...my daughter, my wife for not doing enough, and the school system who isn't doing enough to help my daugher either.

 

[musicmom]

Talk to the principal if that doesn't work go to the Superintendant. All in all, no one can make your daughter do a thing. I don't think a parent should be held responsible for one child, that's silly. YOU should have been monitoring both of them regaurdless. I don't know why you're mad at your wife. Take responsiblility yourself. I really hope your daughter didn't know of this plan. She probably felt insignificant. You have NO RIGHT to yell at your daughter. YOU are the parent.

 

[1dayatatime]

tHIS MAY NOT BE THE BEST SUGGESTION BUT ITS THE FIRST TO COME TO MY MIND. What does she plan to do when she fails school? Maybe she should consider trying to get a job and work now. I realize shes 12 but as a suggestion. Thats the kind of stuff my folks did with me. If you choose to drop out then what is your plan? If you dont go to school you cant live here you'll have to support yourself. It could get her thinking about the immediate repercussions of her own actions. Also as a side note have you talked about drugs, boys, self image...what are her friends like?

 

[1dayatatime]

Talk to the principal if that doesn't work go to the Superintendant. All in all, no one can make your daughter do a thing. I don't think a parent should be held responsible for one child, that's silly. YOU should have been monitoring both of them regaurdless. I don't know why you're mad at your wife. Take responsiblility yourself. I really hope your daughter didn't know of this plan. She probably felt insignificant. You have NO RIGHT to yell at your daughter. YOU are the parent.

I do not agree. You and your wife should be a TEAM. If your wife doesn't hold up her end or communicate with you then yes she is responsible for what is happening now. The blame games gets us no where so regroup and be a TEAM.

 

[Cowart69]

Talk to the principal if that doesn't work go to the Superintendant. All in all, no one can make your daughter do a thing. I don't think a parent should be held responsible for one child, that's silly. YOU should have been monitoring both of them regaurdless. I don't know why you're mad at your wife. Take responsiblility yourself. I really hope your daughter didn't know of this plan. She probably felt insignificant. You have NO RIGHT to yell at your daughter. YOU are the parent.

I am not seeing where you are coming from here.....

- I work out of town and am out of the house a good 16 hours a day. My wife works in town and about 15 minutes away. We are supposed to be a team which is why we divided up the work load of monitoring our kids.

- I am mad at my wife because she has been taking this "its no big deal" approach and now my daughter is in serious trouble. Even my wife realizes now that she screwed up and show and put more of a importance on this. By the time I stepped in my daughters grades were so far down, she was so far behind, and she was in such need of tutoring that the situation seems hopeless.

- Why did I yell at my child? Well because nice peaceful talks over a cup of hot chocolate were not working. Perhaps i should have jumped over the yelling phase and went straight to spanking? I already said I didn't want to do that.

 

[musicmom]

I think you should be a team, "a team" doesn't yell at each other....they communicate! My point was that you should have been a part of both of the kids education and not split them up.
Yea....spanking to make her learn in school.........hmmmm that'll make her learn. It will make her think (or know) you are out of control and want to degrade her even more. Good dad. (sarcasim)
It's not like your children came with a rule book...why is it your wifes fault? Do you just need to point a finger at someone? You are gone 16 hours a day........so what could YOU have done for your daughter? Pencil her in?
I think if she is suffering and neither parent has the time then you should get a tutor or some after school program. I would build up her self esteem. Nothing and no one is hopeless. She's just a kid.
I think you are over reacting. A calm approach will work ok. Sometimes children get confused, overwhelmed or are acting out because of a problem (maybe a problem at home) who knows. I'm just looking in from the outside and what it sounds like as I read it.

 

[musicmom]

Parenting mistakes (copy and pasted from another site)

Losing Your Temper
When you habitually yell at your children, they can end up yelling back at you. Children are actually more responsive to calm requests and commands.

Disagreeing on Rules
Never disagree on discipline in front of your children. Parents must present a united front to their kids when enforcing rules. Otherwise, they will quickly learn how to "divide and conquer."

Treating Children as Small Adults
Although you want your children to know that they are heard, you shouldn't make the mistake of letting them have an equal say in the rules of the household. This is a parent/child relationship, not a democracy. As children get older, parents can explain the reasoning behind their decisions.

Bribery
Bribery is not a healthy or effective form of motivation for children. You want your children to learn right from wrong regardless of whether or not there is a reward for behaving in an appropriate way.

Unhealthy Praise
Be careful of praising your children too much or too little. Appropriate praise can be healthy and build self-esteem, but if overused, it can leave a child feeling inadequate when he/she doesn't receive it. Give affirmation for positive behavior and hopefully, your child will repeat the good behaviors that bring appreciation.

Inconsistent Discipline
It's important that parents are consistent with discipline in order to avoid making their children confused about guidelines and consequences. For example, if action A leads to consequence B, it needs to do so all of the time.

Inappropriate Punishment
The punishment should be a natural and logical consequence of the punishable behavior. If the punishment isn't fair, you can lose the opportunity to "teach" your child through the act of disciplining because your child's focus will be on the unfair punishment.

 

[1dayatatime]

Nothing like being force feed someone elses opinion.

 

[Cowart69]

You know I could be way of base but is there some sort of "dont be bashin the female its your fault male" here?

- Never yelled at the wife.....but does she bare no blame in taking the attitude of "its ok hunny...school is no big deal just do the best you can" to the point where she is failing every grade and doesn't feel like even turning in her homework?

- Pencil in my daughter? Are you serious? I will get home late at night with my own college homeowrk to do and STILL make sure she has a chance to talk to me about her homework. This is where you should have put the sarcasm tag.

I am not looking for somebody to judge me....I am looking for help.

 

[Kaytee]

I'm not sure why musicmom is flipping out on you but here is my opinion.

I think you and your wife both need to deal with the school when it comes to her grades now. It's no ones fault anymore, live with the mistakes yo both made and make it right!

Have you talked to your daughter about this also? Is something goingon at school that you should be concerned about? From what you wrote it seems she was a good student until this year. What has changed in her life to make things this way?

 

[Kaytee]

I do not agree. You and your wife should be a TEAM. If your wife doesn't hold up her end or communicate with you then yes she is responsible for what is happening now. The blame games gets us no where so regroup and be a TEAM.

I also agree with this post

 

[Cowart69]

Kaytee,

Thanks for the response.

I am venting my frustration over the whole thing but at this point that is what we are trying to do. My wife feels totally helpless and so I am the one trying to come up with ideas. My wife is at the school today to talk with the administrators to find out why they sell a "planner" which is supposed to be used in a certain way but the teachers are not using it. What we are finding out is that we are not alone....several other parents have this same frustration. It is a combonation of a shortage of teachers, a overload of kids, but when you have parents who are making an effort to communicate then we deserve more. There are several kids who are struggling and their parents dont want to put out the effort to fix the problem. We do. They just want to blame the school. We dont.

As for my daughters progres.....it is a strange trend. She was never a brilliant student and through the lower grades was classified as a "daydreamer" by the teachers....but we NEVER had a problem with her intentially blowing off homework.

Then she gets to her first year of middle school and beleive or not made HONOR ROLL. From that time it has been downhill ever since. This year it took a extreme nosedive. In talking to her last night she said she "just wanted to get the work overwith" the curious part of that is that getting it overwith consisted of just flat out not doing it. Other things I could get out of her talked about popularity and other friends problems.

I dont know if this factors into this at all....but she is somewhat of a celebrity christian singer in our area. She spends a lot of her weekends doing events and has a lot of people looking at her to make a christian album together. Since these things were involved with church I never thought of them as a bad thing as I consider church to be positive.

But I am starting to look at it closer now.

 

[Kaytee]

I agree church is postive, BUT many it is time to tell her no more singing events and what not until she gets her grades up. SHe can still go to church and maybe, 9if not already) she can sing int he choir there but nothign extra.

 

[fallon]

I'm not sure why musicmom is flipping out on you but here is my opinion.

I think you and your wife both need to deal with the school when it comes to her grades now. It's no ones fault anymore, live with the mistakes yo both made and make it right!

Have you talked to your daughter about this also? Is something going on at school that you should be concerned about? From what you wrote it seems she was a good student until this year. What has changed in her life to make things this way?

I agree with kaytee. Also with a girl her age it's all in the way to talk to her. I promise it makes the difference in how much actually gets through. It's clear that you care very much, but sometimes emotions and attitude take over on both ends and people stop listening to each other. You and your wife need to have a talk about what you think may be going on...come to an agreement and speak to your daughter united. Stay calm, if things start going bad it's time to take a break form the conversation. The school is doing a poor job of getting you the info you need so take matters into your own hands. Use the little info you can get from them and follow your heart with the rest. Be patient and consistent, and more then anything you and your wife need to be on the same side

 

[Ari2]

IMO step one needs to be getting you and your wife to agree about the situation and what needs to be done. Having her just "forget about it" isn't going to work. The two of you must have a discussion away from your daughter and end up with a shared assessment of the situation and a plan. I understand you are away a good chunk of the time for work, but tag teaming doesn't seem to be working.

Have you and your wife sat down and talked with your daughter's teachers (not a telephone call)? If not, you probably should request a meeting. You need to understand what challenges your daughter is facing and how she is handling this. You said you have never had your daughter lie to you before like this - are you certain you understand what is going on with your daughter in school on a day-to-day basis? A meeting with her teacher also would help to make sure everyone is on the same page.

Lastly, your daughter probably needs daily monitoring and help. Can one of you sit down with her every night and go through what occurred during each class that day? Yes, it will take a great deal of time (probably hours every night), but this is the only way to know what occurs and how she is doing. After a week or so, you should have a better feeling for the amount of work she has on a "typical" day and the pattern of her week. This will allow you to gauge more accurately how she is doing and the accuracy of her reports.

Good luck! I hope school goes better for your daughter.

 

[musicmom]

I'm not flipping out Kaytee. I think he's being too hard. No man bashing. I think any parent who points fingers at the other parent isn't "parenting" right.
I think the first step is to get yourself in check and communicate with your wife. You are the one that said you were yelling, not me.
Maybe your daughter thinks she doesn't need an education because she's going to be a "star"?
I'm not forcing anything on anyone......it's just my opinion that I think it sounds as if you are a bit too harsh. You said the school wasn't helping you so I suggested you going above their heads to get the school to care.

 

[Cowart69]

I think the first step is to get yourself in check and communicate with your wife

Do you really expect anyone to listen to your advice while throwing in little key phrases to insult.

your help is not wanted or needed. I did ask for help but I dont need it from someone with such strong opinions of people they dont know. You dont think parents dont get frustrated and yell. Happens all the time. It is actually quite humorous because if you did know my situation (which you do not) you would know that I am actually the calm, attempt to solve the problem, parent in my house. My wife is the one who gets upset quickly and yells.

But you would not know that because I did not divulge that to you until just now.

 

[Kaytee]

I'm not flipping out Kaytee. I think he's being too hard. No man bashing. I think any parent who points fingers at the other parent isn't "parenting" right.
I think the first step is to get yourself in check and communicate with your wife. You are the one that said you were yelling, not me.
Maybe your daughter thinks she doesn't need an education because she's going to be a "star"?
I'm not forcing anything on anyone......it's just my opinion that I think it sounds as if you are a bit too harsh. You said the school wasn't helping you so I suggested you going above their heads to get the school to care.

all he said is he is frustrated that his wife was suppose to be handling this and it didn't work. I would be ticked off to quite frankly. But that is not why he is posting, he is posting because he wants some advise on where to go from here. Sometimes schools don't care as much as we do. Sometimes teachers think that parents don't care so they stop caring. No one is pointing fingers, if he was pointing fingers he would be doing nothing and continuing to allow this to happen. Instead, even though he is workiing 16 hour days, he wants to know what he can do to help his daughter.

 

[Cowart69]

Kaytee.....you are a good observer. That is me in a nutshell right now.

Cute kid by the way...

 

[musicmom]

I think the first step is to get yourself in check and communicate with your wife

Do you really expect anyone to listen to your advice while throwing in little key phrases to insult.

your help is not wanted or needed. I did ask for help but I dont need it from someone with such strong opinions of people they dont know. You dont think parents dont get frustrated and yell. Happens all the time. It is actually quite humorous because if you did know my situation (which you do not) you would know that I am actually the calm, attempt to solve the problem, parent in my house. My wife is the one who gets upset quickly and yells.

But you would not know that because I did not divulge that to you until just now.

Then don't listen. Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow. As I said before........only going off of what you wrote. You flipped out on a child and a wife.:angry: That's not cool. I'm not one to say "oh...you are right right right" when you are clearly not. A child will not respond to an angry parent. Poor kid
I hope she finds someone who understands what she goes through and cares for her with a calm frame of mind and a loving heart. I hope she does well.