I am at a loss and need help...

[evilbrent]

I'm not disagreeing with you Brent, only to say that things are a little different when your children have to meet goals in order to succeed in school. Your approach, while admirable, may be a tad idealistic. I say this even as a parent who celebrates an "unbirthday" that corresponds with each child's birthday as it occurs in the month as a time of one-on-one time with them, yes even the adult children. There is no question having this time is valuable to a child. There is also no greater frustration for a parent than when a capable and functioning child is not meeting his/her school assignment goals.

I still don't see what is manipulative about saying "I have this additional time I would love to spend with you, it's up to you how we spend it, though." I see it as empowering the child to make good choices. I would agree with you IF this was the child's ONLY option for Dad time. (I did not get that impression from the poster, but I stand to be corrected if I am wrong. He sounds involved and concerned to me.) I'm suggesting the adding of ADDITIONAL Dad time here.

I think we agree actually.

If I were wearing my Devils Advocate hat I'd raise an eyebrow at the suggestion that idealistic things are sometimes not admirable, but I think I know what you mean. I'd also try to think up something that's more frustrating than a case of grades slipping - 13 yr old pregnancy comes to mind - but I see your point.

I guess I have the luxury of idealism because my kids are still so young, but I'm wary of the hangup about grades at school having anything to do with future success in life. It seems to me that good grades ought to be the minimum operating side-effect of healthy self-esteem and an active life rather than the other way around.

Anyway, we agree.

 

[lrgoldman]

I really doubt that this situation is a reflection on you or your wife. At 12 kids need to be responsible for doing homework and for studying. Parents are just there as backstops and to intervene when things aren't working. That's what you are doing, which is a good thing. The fact that she has had a run of bad grades at the age of 12 isn't good but you need to put it in perspective.

I would advise taking a careful look at the situation to try to find out what is going on with your daughter. The grades are a symptom not the problem. 12 is a real turning point for kids. There are many possibilities. For example, what is going on with her relationships with friends and other social issues? Sometimes kids this age are lonely, feel bullied, have other issues that make it difficult to concentrate on schoolwork. In other words, is she otherwise OK or are there issues at school or at home that are troubling for her?

When she isn't doing homework what is she doing? Watching television? Texting on phone or computer? Playing computer games? Maybe she is getting too much screen time and this is distracting her. I have to constantly be aware of the intrusion of these devices with my 11 year old daughter and especially because her friends are on line.

How does she get along with the teacher(s)? Have you met with them to find out what they think is going on? Did the schedule change this year; in some schools they start changing classes when kids turn 12 and it can be harder to stay organized with multiple teachers. Perhaps she needs help with organizational skills or other aspects of middle school that just weren't significant factors in earlier grades. In our case we had to take our daughter out of public school and put her into a private school for middle school. We really can't afford it but it has made a huge difference (because this particular school gives lots of individual attention to learning organization and study skills).

Anyway, the bottom line is that there are alot of possibilities here that need to be explored. My advice is to try talking things through with her when you aren't angry. If that does not work you could get help from a third party like a counselor.

 

[Shari Nielsen]

I would definitely contact the school and have a meeting with all of her teachers and counselor at the same time. Its sometimes helpful for the teachers to realize that she is acting the same way (or completely different) in other classes also. Often times the teachers can come up w/ a plan right there on the spot.

I would request weekly emails from the parent GENERATED BY YOU. Each Fri morning send an email to the teachers and ask them to quickly respond to various categories (behavior, classwork, test/quiz prep, homework completion, etc) for the week. They could simply just rate her in each category and add a comment if necessary. Explain to them that you will be disciplining her each weekend based on the results of these emails and that you are working with them to help her succeed. Its hard for the teachers to remember to email you on their own, but much easier if you send the email in the morning and they can just respond later in the day.

Have you thought about a tutor for your daughter? You may want to get her hooked up w/ one online for a few months until she gets back on track. I'm involved with online tutoring myself and see many kids in the same situation as your daughter. Its amazing how they respond once they get one on one help. She may just need it for a short time until she understands what works and doesn't work for her. Plus, the tutor can give the same advice/lecture as you, and she will probably be a lot more receptive, just b/c its not coming from mom or dad.

Finally, 12-14 is a tough age for kids. There are SO many other factors that they are concerned w/ or worried about at this age and school doesn't rank as high as you as parents would hope. Remind your daughter that the extent of her social life depends on her success at school. She is in control of which consequences she ends up w/. Just make sure those consequences are very clear and important to her...not you.

 

[aliinnc]

I totally agree with Kaytee; you should make sure there is nothing else going on to upset your daughter.

But I have a few concrete suggestions (are you ready for this?):
1. every school day, go through the schoolday, class after class, and ask what she did in each class that day. I do it on the drive home from school each day. You need to know what's going on and what she's studying.

2. Flashcards are the bomb! The more senses that you use when studying, the more likely you are to remember it. Flashcards involve touch, sight, hearing (with your help), and speech (if she says them aloud).

3. Writing practice: talk about how to expand the prompt topic by talking about who, what, where, when, why, and how. Then go further and try to talk about what next, what if, etc. You don't have to practice actually writing it, just talking about it over the dinner table.

4. The planner - I think it is your child's responsibility to record homework. But you may be able to get the teachers to initial her agenda everyday to insure that she has recorded the correct assignments. Then you initial it at home every night after you have checked the assignments. You and the teacher(s) need to be a team!

Good luck, Ali

 

[twistertiger]

tell your children that they can tell you anything and build up trust between you and your kids. let your kids know you are not their boss you are their friends that also kind of make decisions for you and that they should be able to trust you completely.

 

[evilbrent]

4. The planner - I think it is your child's responsibility to record homework. But you may be able to get the teachers to initial her agenda everyday to insure that she has recorded the correct assignments. Then you initial it at home every night after you have checked the assignments. You and the teacher(s) need to be a team!

Good luck, Ali

24 hour surveillance huh?

trust-building.

 

[aliinnc]

brent,
hyperbole much?

And don't you think that the trust had already been broken when the child consistently lied about homework?

I think that when your child proves untrustworthy, then a system of checking homework is valid. Once they prove that they are managing their work and not lying about it, then you can stop checking up and trust them.

Ali

 

[teddybear]

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