Xero said:
I don't want to sound negative, but it seems to me like it would be amazing if therapy could help this.
apparently it can. The shrink already gave her a good education on anxiety and anxiety attacks - the biology and science of it - and gave her some breathing exercises etc.
But, yes
it would be TOTALLY amazing if it helped - I'd be THRILLED
It sounds so extreme the way you describe it. How did you guys have babies and stuff?
Yeah. Well. Most of that was 30kg and 2 kids ago. Back when her breasts were breast shaped and her stomach skin didn't actually flop down like it does.
Historically (she doesn't want to admit it) she's been hot when she's hot and cold when she's cold. It wasn't always like this.
I'd be so mad I wouldn't even be talking to her.
Well. It's strained. I'll grant you that.
Is she on any kind of birth control? Has anything changed that could have destroyed her libido?
Yeah, there's a few culprits. She was on Effexor a couple of years ago, and also there was some birth control implant that she had... but as far as I'm concerned it's the amount of Aspartame and caffeine that she drinks - she's only a little girl but she drinks at least one can of Pepsi Max EVERY day. That's gotta add up.
As for letting you have sex with her... you needing a hole.. what's with that?
You know... "ok but don't wake me" sex.
And her not feeling wanted for so long?
Nah, I said she feels "unwantable". Difference.
You said you tell her she's beautiful and you don't think she's overweight, so why would she feel that way?
She's the one who can't stand the way she looks. Personally I can see what she's upset about - she didn't always used to look so tired, and she didn't used to have a 'fat-person's neck'... but, you tell me - this is a beautiful woman right?
You can be honest if you think you've said anything that would make her feel like she does. Has her weight been bothering you and she knows it?
Once. About a year and a half ago she was talking about how different we are - I'm outdoorsy, bike riding and rock climbing, and I said some comment like "blah blah blah blah, but I didn't know that... THIS... would happen to you."
But for some reason about a week after I said that she started going to a gym really regularly and lost about 5-10kg. (all back on now)
But do I ride her or make snippy comments about her weight in front of her family (like my Dad does about my Mum)? Absolutely not. The most I do is remind her about exercising AFTER she's begged me to remind her.
I don't know.. I guess it's a good idea not to pressure her with the whole "sort yourself out or I'll leave you" thing, but at the same time you might want to consider it so she knows it's on your mind.
nah - there's no subtle way to say that. It's best, I think, to leave it unsaid. It ought to be obvious.
But she doesn't have a job at all? How long since she's had one?
Ok, yeah, so this needs clearing up too.
I'm actually completely ok with her not working, and I won't refuse to let her have a lower stress job (teaching gets a higher salary, but I agree that it's not necessarily worth it.) Both of us want to have a stay at home parent - we think that's the best parenting model, and it's the life we both want for our kids.
What I was hoping for was that she would at least have started doing some replacement-teaching - or that she would bother to take less than six months to get her license.
She hasn't had a full time job for almost 5 years now - since she got pregnant the first time we've had one main income. She's had crap jobs in the past when we've needed it, but every time I got a raise to meet our needs I encouraged her to drop them.
My income is <I>
almost </I>enough for us to get by on, and what I'd prefer is for her to move into a 'proper' job when the kids hit school - 1st kid hits primary school next year. We don't have any family help or anything so the cost of child care really makes her working almost not worth it. Next year will be different.
She'll lose everybody and everything. Have you told her that it's not normal? People aren't "just like that".
Yeah - and, big surprise, it didn't go down well.
Not until I realized I didn't want to be like that did I even begin to change.
Exactly. However - how did you like it when people told you "But Xero... all you have to do is DECIDE to be well again and you will be." I know what you mean. She has to take ownership.
Thanks for your taking the time. It helps.