Is honesty the best medicine, really?...

[K_Stepmom2b]

<t>I did have a conversation in regards to custody and C(SD) living with us more than what she currently is. I’ve always lived by the rules of be honest, be honest with yourself and with others. And I forget that sometimes honesty can hurt someone. <br/>
<br/>
Backstory: My fiancé is taking his ex (the BM) back to court to revise the custody arrangement. He will go for the kill of full time, and realistically we both know that will not happen, since the BM is not a complete deadbeat. So he will be satisfied with either a reversal or 50/50, and so from that, I asked him hypothetically: <br/>
“what would you do if the mediator said you get full custody?” <br/>
And my fiancé says: “I would take it! Right then, right there!” <br/>
I say: “It wouldn’t be something that we would talk about? The custody agreement, while I fully support you, it will be affecting myself as well. It’s not just you alone anymore, it’s you and I. “ <br/>
Basically the conversation continued and he eventually asked me how I would feel about it. <br/>
I said, “Honestly, I wouldn’t be excited about it right away, but I would possibly grow into it. “<br/>
And then automatically his entire attitude toward me shifted and now he says he’s having doubts. Not exactly the thing someone wants to hear when they’re planning their wedding. So I wrote a sappy 5 page letter while drinking a bottle of wine while he watched TV in the other room, wanting to be alone b/c after discussing everything he didn’t know how to recover and such. <br/>
<br/>
He says that for him it’s a burden that he doesn’t get to see his daughter everyday and that for me; it’s a burden that she lives with us, which to an extent it is, but it’s something that I’m willing to get used to, that I’m willing to work on, it’s not a flip of the switch. I haven’t left and I don’t intend to. He thinks if it gets really hard that I will up and leave and not be apart of the “team” anymore.<br/>
<br/>
What he isn’t understanding is that the parenting thing, is still new to me. Having a child around, still adjusting to. Me not wanting children previously to automatically having a 5 year old and just now warming to the idea of a child of my own – still new to me.<br/>
Although, I did agree to marry him, knowing of him having a 5 year old – I feel that expecting me to be totally okay with it, would be far-fetched. I'm working on it... I'm good with the arrangement now, every other weekend. The entire conversation was hypothetical, as we wouldn’t be getting full custody, but half… which I’m fine and dandy with. <br/>
<br/>
But after the whole way things ended up over the weekend, I’m afraid to be completely honest with him about anything referring to C and even re-bringing up the subject as we just left it at that. It’s almost like walking on eggshells. We have her from Thursday this week to Sunday, and I’m just curious how it will all play out. <br/>
<br/>
I prefer to continue being honest, but should something this big be something that I sugarcoat, go against how I really am and pretend?</t>

 

[bssage]

My opinion. You are wrong and he is right. (sorry for the harshness)

I am not sure you understand. I absolutely would lay down my life for my kids. IMHO their is no love so complete and absolute as what I feel for my kids. It would be similar, but not the same, to him saying. "I am not comfortable being around your family. I Only want you to see them as much as I want you to see them. "

I undertand him completely wanting to be with his kids every single day. Were not talking about a pastime or a hobby.

He has a limited window of opportunity to spend time with his kids. Soon they will be older. Soon the will have their own transportation, Network of friends, and lives of their own. The longer it take you to get "comfortable" with having her there, his time slips away. When its gone. Its gone.

I really am not trying to be mean to you. But make no mistake. You could be the queen of England, the most beautiful and gracious and kind person in the world. I would always choose my kids.

I know you have a lot to think about. Thats fine. Good to make your decision now. But you should understand for him. There no question.

To answer your specific question. Yes be honest. To him........And to yourself.

 

[K_Stepmom2b]

No mean to apologize for the harshness, while I do not agree with it - any kind of insight positive or negative is warranted as long as its not attacking.

I was honest with him when he asked me a question. Bottom line. He wasn't happy with my honest answer. the end.

Its two different worlds colliding and not leaving any adjustment period.

I understand laying your life on the line for your children, one day when I become a BM then I probably would too. I currently do that for my friends and my sisters. I wouldn't steer anyone any differently.

Hypothetical: If you are marrying someone, wouldn't you factor their opinion in on decisions? Isn't that what a marriage is about sometimes? (making it less about you and more about a "team"?) And if you are asking them questions, wouldn't you rather have the truth than a lie and thus base your lives together on a lie, which would/could cause resentment, hatred and just all around negative emotions?

 

[singledad]

I asked him hypothetically:
“what would you do if the mediator said you get full custody?”
And my fiancé says: “I would take it! Right then, right there!”
I say: “It wouldn’t be something that we would talk about? The custody agreement, while I fully support you, it will be affecting myself as well. It’s not just you alone anymore, it’s you and I. “

Perhaps this is something you need to answer for yourself:

If he gave you a different answer, perhaps saying "Oh, I don't know, I don't really want to spend so much time with my kid, its too much of an effort to be a father", could you still respect and love him? Could you look a child in the eyes if her dad gave up the opportunity to give her the best life he could, for you?​

You don't have to answer here, but perhaps answering these questions (honestly) for yourself, would help organised your thoughts?

 

[K_Stepmom2b]

@Singledad: I would respect his decision, while I would not agree with it, and would try to change his focus and his mind on the matter- in the end if he would want to be a deadbeat father, then so be it. And none of that is the case. I don't ask him to give up anything for me. I just ask to be included in some shape or form in the thinking process... I already uprooted from my comfort zone and moved away from friends and my usual surroundings for him and my soon to be SD... all the changes and whatnot should not come from just myself.

I'm not in any way asking my fiance to choose between the two of us, I'm asking for him to involve me. I understand its a matter between him, C and the BM - but now if I am marrying him, and she will be living in my house on a part-time basis - then do I or don't I have a say in anything?
Have I lost all rights as a person? Have I just become a robot all of a sudden?

 

[bssage]

@Singledad:

I'm not in any way asking my fiance to choose between the two of us, I'm asking for him to involve me.

But you are. Full time/Part time her or you.

I understand its a matter between him, C and the BM - but now if I am marrying him, and she will be living in my house on a part-time basis - then do I or don't I have a say in anything?
Have I lost all rights as a person? Have I just become a robot all of a sudden?

You will have become an adult who is responsible for someone else. Many times that requires putting their needs or wants ahead of your own. Life no longer will be about you. It will be about us. Every parent sacrifices some of themselves to be a parent. It just doesn't feel like it when it is done out of love. It may not appear that way. Because they are sacrifices we are happy to make

 

[Xero]

Honestly, I know it's hard but you have to realize that you are not just marrying him. You are marrying THEM. And she will always, and should always, come first before you. There is nothing wrong with you being honest about your feelings, but no I do not think you have any say in how often his child is with him. You don't have any rights to the decision makings that involve her. I know that comes off as SO mean, but it's true. He has his head in the right place, and you are making him feel like he is doing something bad or betraying you in some way. He should be able to do the best that he can and whatever he wants for and with his daughter without you interfering. If that is something you don't think you can live with, then you shouldn't.

I don't blame you for not liking the situation. I love my kids, but I'm not always so fond of other people's kids. I don't know if I would make a great step parent. I might even be annoyed if I were in your situation that my DF was considering bringing his child into our lives further when he knows she gets on my nerves and I have a hard time with her. BUT I would also know that I had no right to say anything or ask him not to. You're only human and you have every right to feel the way you feel, but it's not something that you can really take out on him. He is a dad, he has a child, you knew that when you got with him. He wants to have her more and do what's best for her, good for him! He needs your support in this.

Just putting myself in his shoes. If I were separated from my DH, was engaged to another man and had only partial custody of my boys, and one day the opportunity came up for me to have them more often or even full time I would jump on it so fast it's not even funny. I wouldn't ask my DF, I would TELL him, because I don't care what he thinks, if he doesn't like that then he can kindly find the door. My kids come before everything and everyone in the world.

So I mean, you are involved. He keeps you in on everything he's doing, doesn't he? There are no secrets, I would imagine? Again, I'm still not saying that the way you feel is unusual or wrong. It is HARD to be a step parent, and I personally don't think I could get with a guy who has kids from a previous relationship myself. It would take a lot of strength for me. I'm just trying to help you see it from his point of view. You're not in an easy situation. Good luck to you!

 

[bssage]

I agree with Xero. I think we understand what your feeling. And I cant find fault with what your feeling. Were just trying to say its a battle you would probably lose, And probably should lose.

 

[singledad]

<r><QUOTE author="Klear_Stepmom2b;129195"><s>

&lt;/s&gt;I said, “Honestly, I wouldn’t be excited about it right away, but I would &lt;U&gt;&lt;s&gt;<U>&lt;/s&gt;possibly &lt;e&gt;</U>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/U&gt;grow into it. “&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;br/&gt;
He says that for him it’s a burden that he doesn’t get to see his daughter everyday and that for me;&lt;U&gt;&lt;s&gt;<U>&lt;/s&gt; it’s a burden that she lives with us, which to an extent it is&lt;e&gt;</U>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/U&gt;, but it’s something that I’m willing to get used to, that I’m willing to work on, it’s not a flip of the switch. I haven’t left and I don’t intend to. He thinks if it gets really hard that I will up and leave and not be apart of the “team” anymore.&lt;e&gt;

&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/QUOTE&gt;
(Emphasis mine)&lt;br/&gt;
This is what made me ask those questions. Honestly, do you blame him for thinking you might give up and leave?&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;br/&gt;
If a woman I wanted to marry told me that she didn't really enjoy being a mother to my child, but MIGHT grow into it, I'd be outta there within a day. Honestly, I'm not trying to be mean, just honest. They're a package. She's his child, he HAS to put her first. And frankly - making her live with a step mother who isn't really into being her mother, wouldn't be my idea of putting her first. &lt;br/&gt;
&lt;br/&gt;
Perhaps you're not consciously asking him to choose between you, but you're asking him to choose between being a single parent, and giving his daughter a step-mother who would prefer her to live somewhere else. Trust me, she will know and she will perceive it as rejection.&lt;br/&gt;

&lt;QUOTE author="Klear_Stepmom2b;129201"&gt;&lt;s&gt;

&lt;/s&gt;I'm asking for him to involve me. I understand its a matter between him, C and the BM - but now if I am marrying him, and she will be living in my house on a part-time basis - then do I or don't I have a say in anything?&lt;br/&gt;
Have I lost all rights as a person? Have I just become a robot all of a sudden?&lt;e&gt;

&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/QUOTE&gt;

You haven't lost all your rights, but sorry - you have lost the right to be the most important person for him to consider when he makes decisions. Should he have spoken to you about it and kept you informed? Yes - but he did, didn't he? Should he have considered your wishes in this instance? Sorry, but no. There may be other instances where you're wishes should be considered, but custody - living with a dysfunctional mother or him - isn't one of them.&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;br/&gt;
You need to figure this out now. If you're not willing to commit to his daughter 100%, you have a problem that should be solved BEFORE you get married.&lt;/r&gt;

 

[K_Stepmom2b]

While I appreciate the insight from you guys, are there any step-parents who can help me with how to deal with this.
You guys have given some good advice, but you are not the step parent, correct me if I am wrong. Its different than it is being a birth parent.

I'm looking for insight from other step parents rather than being called selfish by those who are birth parents. (Again, correct me if I am wrong)

This is a whole new development for me. (introduced to C less than a year ago, had her living with me part-time since September '11)
In no means am I willing to "give up" and yes when I said yes to the proposal, I was well aware that I was saying yes to the both of them.

 

[K_Stepmom2b]

Also, not looking for sympathy but for a step parents view of how to work this out.

The Birth parent is on a one tracked mind, but not seeing how the step parent feels by the treatment from the child to the strain and newness of it all.... to not seeing that sometimes things are not so "snap of the fingers" going to happen, but it takes learning and time and even trial and error.
They didn't become an awesome parent just like that, it took learning, time and trail and error... am I wrong?

 

[Xero]

I'm really not trying to make you feel bad. Just trying to be realistic. I realize our words might be a little less than pleasant, but I promise we all have good intentions.

We might not have the step parent point of view that you might want, but we are trying to share the point of view that you don't have - your fiances. The point of view of a birth parent. That's important to keep in mind to. Put yourself in his sheos.

Anyway, I can definitely see why you would want some input from some step parents. We do have step parents on the board. Hopefully they will chime in for you soon. I think Mom2Many might have some advice there.

 

[mom2many]

I do and I am on my phone, so bare with me. Two of mine are not biological, doesn't matter what 2 and as a step mom I completely agree with what the others have said.

The child should always come first, that is the role as a parent and as his partner it is your job to support the choices that are in the best interest of the child. If that is something you can not do whole heartily then being a stepmom may not be right for you. If your heart can not be open wide to the child you will only become more bitter as time goes bye. You very well may be the stepmom that ends up resenting the child.

If I was you, I would look long and hard at what it is you want from life. Step parents and natural parents should always put the child first. There is no other option in my book. I have been the step child and the step parent and I could never fathom doing anything different.

 

[singledad]

I'm looking for insight from other step parents rather than being called selfish by those who are birth parents. (Again, correct me if I am wrong)

This is a whole new development for me. (introduced to C less than a year ago, had her living with me part-time since September '11)
In no means am I willing to "give up" and yes when I said yes to the proposal, I was well aware that I was saying yes to the both of them.

We may not be saying what you want to hear, but no one called you selfish. There's nothing wrong with not being ready to be a step-mom.

Also, not looking for sympathy but for a step parents view of how to work this out.

The Birth parent is on a one tracked mind, but not seeing how the step parent feels by the treatment from the child to the strain and newness of it all.... to not seeing that sometimes things are not so "snap of the fingers" going to happen, but it takes learning and time and even trial and error.
They didn't become an awesome parent just like that, it took learning, time and trail and error... am I wrong?

You're right - birth parents don't instantly become awesome parents. Heck, I'm still not an awesome parent. But birth parents are usually (hopefully) 100% committed to putting their children first. Perhaps that is why we sometimes offend others, and why you accuse us of having a one-track mind.

No one expects you to be an awesome parent with the snap of the fingers. But being a parent is an all-or-nothing commitment. If you want to marry a man with a child, you have to be willing to be 100% committed to trying your best. You cannot go into this resenting the child. It will only escalate, and all three of you will end up suffering.

I understand that these aren't the things that you want to be worrying about as you are planning your wedding, and I hope that one of our step-parent members will chime in to give you advice about how to figure things out from your perspective. Until then, forgive us if we sound harsh - its not my intention to come across as judgmental. You just need to understand what you are in for.

 

[NancyM]

Although I understand where the others are coming from, I don't quite agree with them completely. I think your being really good about the whole thing, if it were me and my fiance was 'expecting' me to just go along with raising his child, I'd be alarmed by that too. And I really would expect him to consider my feelings before making such an important decision.

I think your fiance should be a little more considerate of you, he did ask you to marry him afte rall, being a couple means it isn't all about him either. (Even though you do marry the whole family in real life, I don't think any of us really understand what that means when we're engaged, so maybe that isn't fair for anyone to assume you SHOULD know that, since we all should have known that but didn't really care when we were in the early stages of our relationships)

Since he wants you in his life forever, he should be the one to help make the transition of you becoming a step mom to his child "FULL TIME" a gentle and considerate one. I don't see why he can't include you in that major decision that will effect both your lives. If it were me, I'd want to know how you feel about raising my child, and what we would have to do to make it work for you.

Of course it's his right to decide he wants his child over you, and that may happen but it's still better for both of you to know that now, than for you to get married and find out later. That's what concerns me more, that he <I>didn't</I> consider you in this. What will the rest of you life together be like?

In this case I say you being honest was right,(although I don't believe that honesty is generally the best medicine) the thing about telling the truth is that you may get a honest response back, one that you may not like. I still think it's best you find all this out now, before your married.

 

[singledad]

Nancy - I does sound very mature and "right" to say that he must consider her feelings on the matter, but what if he did ask her, and she said "I'd rather not have her here all the time". What then? Leave her with her dysfunctional mother, being thrown around between 4 households, or disregard his fiancee's opinion anyway? Because those are the options, should she not agree.

I don't see the point of asking for an opinion if you can't take it into account when making your decision.

 

[mom2many]

Nancy - I does sound very mature and "right" to say that he must consider her feelings on the matter, but what if he did ask her, and she said "I'd rather not have her here all the time". What then? Leave her with her dysfunctional mother, being thrown around between 4 households, or disregard his fiancee's opinion anyway? Because those are the options, should she not agree.

I don't see the point of asking for an opinion if you can't take it into account when making your decision.

That!

A discussion is one thing, but truth be told he has to and will do what is right for his DD cause everyone knows at the end of the day that is what a parent does.

 

[NancyM]

Nancy - I does sound very mature and "right" to say that he must consider her feelings on the matter, but what if he did ask her, and she said "I'd rather not have her here all the time". What then? Leave her with her dysfunctional mother, being thrown around between 4 households, or disregard his fiancee's opinion anyway? Because those are the options, should she not agree.

I don't see the point of asking for an opinion if you can't take it into account when making your decision.

WoW! If he asked her in the <I>first</I> place( as one might do if you really love the person your about to marry) he would know how she felt about raising and supporting his child and than he could make the decision about how he wanted to go about it. Either continue with marrying her or not, or maybe giving her time to accept the idea of becoming a mother full time, I didn't see anyplace in her post that indicates the child is in danger with her BM.

Do you think it would be better for him to take full custody of his child and just 'expect' his new wife to 'adjust'? If that was me I'd worry about leaving my child with someone who isn't really sure she could handle it.

I suppose the 'point' of asking her is that he supposedly loves Klear (proposing marriage and all) and wants to spend his whole life with her . IMO raising a child together should be discussed and both people should be sure they can love and care for that child completely. As I said he has the right to not marry her never said he didn't. ?? what don't you understand??

 

[NancyM]

That!

A discussion is one thing, but truth be told he has to and will do what is right for his DD cause everyone knows at the end of the day that is what a parent does.

I'm not talking about the fiance asking Klear to 'ALLOW" him to take full custody of his child or ask her permission to do so.

I'm talking about a father discussing with the person who will be <I>raising </I>his child, how she feels about doing that before he goes ahead and brings the child home full time. Of course he will do what he has to do as would I.

IMO if her fiance doesn't consider her feelings or concerns in this major decision, what will their future be like. I think she should continue to voice her thoughts and learn from this situation what she may be in for later on.

 

[singledad]

Do you think it would be better for him to take full custody of his child and just 'expect' his new wife to 'adjust'? If that was me I'd worry about leaving my child with someone who isn't really sure she could handle it.

I suppose the 'point' of asking her is that he supposedly loves Klear (proposing marriage and all) and wants to spend his whole life with her . IMO raising a child together should be discussed and both people should be sure they can love and care for that child completely. As I said he has the right to not marry her never said he didn't. ?? what don't you understand??

Option 2 (disregarding her opinion) doesn't not mean they have to still get married. Yes, when two people are planning to raise a child together, both of them should be sure they can love and care for the child. I completely agree with that. However, there is a twist in this tail. One of those people don't have a choice whether or not he is going to raise that child. I wouldn't leave my daughter with someone who isn't sure she could handle it either. I probably wouldn't be in a relationship with her.

If he asked her in the <I>first</I> place( as one might do if you really love the person your about to marry) he would know how she felt about raising and supporting his child and than he could make the decision about how he wanted to go about it. Either continue with marrying her or not, or maybe giving her time to accept the idea of becoming a mother full time

Well, he did ask her, she told him how she felt, and he seems to be thinking about how he wants the way forward. This is probably the only good reason for asking her - so they can decide whether to go ahead with the marriage on not. Her original question was whether she should have kept quiet, and there I agree with your answer - no, she shouldn't have. If she kept quiet, this would not have gone away. It would only get worse. However, she shouldn't blame him for having doubts now that she has spoken up. Unfortunately for both of them, he can't put his own happiness and that of his fiancee above his child's well-being.

I didn't see anyplace in her post that indicates the child is in danger with her BM.

No, the child may not be in danger, but the distance between a <I>dangerous </I>home and a good home is massive, with lots of options in between. The mother is not taking care of her as she should. Klear posted in her other thread that the mother is irresponsible, doesn't discipline her at all and that the child lives between three houses when with her mother. She also posted here:

The child does not have a stable living arrangement. There are 10 or more people living in the house which the child lives, all except one who smokes. There are numerous parties which partake on school night at the home the child lives in while the child is in the house (we have proof)

To me, that would just not do. I would not leave my child in a situation like that, even if I had to sacrifice being with a woman I loved to do so. Being a parent involves sacrifice. We all know that.

I have to add, though - in the other thread, it does sound like she is willing to take up the challenge and that gives me hope that there might be a happy ending for the child. I can only hope for all their sakes that it works out.