</s>While I’m reluctant from posting, I will continue and just continue to give my side – <br/>
Do I love and care for C, do I want to make this work, do I want to attach to the child as a birth parent might? Absolutely. <br/>
Am I struggling with the new role? Abso-freaking-lutely.<br/>
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</s>This is normal, also don't be afraid to post. We aren't trying to attack you..honest.<e></e></B><br/>
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The only conversations my fiancé and I have had in regards to how I feel about the custody situation was the one over last weekend where he didn’t like my honesty & right before he filed papers to take the BM back to court. I agreed with him that something needed to be changed, as it would be healthier for C, that possibly her discipline issues would be better manageable, and that I supported him, “I got your back” I think was my exact phrasing. That was it. NO further discussions. He never once asked me how I felt about being a full time parent, (until I brought it up) because that was never really on the table other than him saying that is what he will ask for in the mediation, knowing that the mother will not agree to it, in which case he will go for 50/50. <br/>
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</s>Have you tried to bring up the topic again? I think we all have said that he should at least be filling you in on what his plans are. Hmmm, I am trying to find the right words here...he will always do what he thinks is best, C will always be his first "choice". I know it doesn't sound fair, and in your position I can see why it would feel that way. But the child, regardless of who birthed them does and will always be first in the parents life. It's very clear that you care deeply for the little girl, you will get to a point where the light bulb goes off and you get what the bulk of us are trying to say and maybe not finding the best choice of words.<e></e></B><br/>
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Do I like C? Do I love her? To avoid being judged I would say that I love and adore her unconditionally. But if I was being honest (which is what I would prefer), I do not always like her.<br/>
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</s>Normal, normal, normal! No one always likes their children. It is okay to feel this way!<e></e></B><br/>
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I am working on the loving her unconditionally thing, but love doesn’t always happen overnight. I’m not saying that it will never happen, but I’m saying it’s a work in progress. I’m not against the feeling, but it just isn’t there yet. Its like any relationship, some you have to work at. And I think as long as it’s something that I’m striving for, working towards – that’s an okay feeling. <br/>
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It's okay also if you never love her unconditionally...that word creates this image in our heads that no matter what our children do we can see no wrong in them. That's very far from the truth, we love them in-spite of their flaws. <br/>
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</s>If you can strive to love her for who she is, flaws and all, then you have accomplished what every other parent has.<e></e></B><br/>
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And the raising a child thing – as I’ve stated numerous times – still a whole new world for me. From going my entire life, not wanting children, not liking children etc…. to having an automatic 5 year old and such… I agreed to marry my fiancé based on knowing that I am marrying both him and C. I know that there are going to be disagreeances all over the place in regards to parenting, BUT obviously I have no right to make any decisions because I am not the birth parent and what I would want wouldn’t matter.. Isn’t that what you guys are all basically saying? And that I am selfish for saying what I feel? Isn’t that basically what most of everyone is saying? Yes a parent does what is right for the child, as they should… but if the parent asked someone to marry them, asked someone to be a part of their (his and the child) lives- shouldn’t that be something that is important just as much? We’re a family. A team. Not it’s you and then there’s them.<br/>
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</s> don't think there was a single person here who called you selfish. Instead what was trying to be accomplished is you seeing that as much as he should be discussing these things with you at the end of the day he will always do what is right for C. Either you can live with that or you can't. Neither answer is wrong. I think of all the parenting out there, step parenting is the hardest job there is. There is no manual, there isn't instant love and rainbows. Its a LOT of hard work, cause reality is step parents almost always feel like the 3rd wheel when it comes to the child and natural parents relationship. especially when the bio-mom/dad is still active in the picture.<e></e></B><br/>
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C is a piece of work. She’s an only child and due to the way she is treated in EACH household, she gets a lot of attention, babied and is disrespectful of other people. (I don’t care to hear how a 5 year old will know the difference of being disrespectful and not, bottom line – she knows what she is doing. She does it on purpose.) Anyone ever see the episode of Family Guy where Lois is laying on the bed relaxing and Stewie comes into the room and repeatedly says. “Lois, lois, lois, mommy mommy mommy!” until she finally comes out of her “mind vacation” and says: “WHAT!” and all Stewie says is “HI!” Well that is C on a constant basis, even when we are giving her attention… yes... I know children are seekers of attention, but trust me when I say this… her behavior is not a normal 5 year old attention seeking behavior- it’s due to how she has been treated. <br/>
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</s>Let me, as a mom of 8 who's 5 year old is currently on the floor throwing a fit. What you have described is VERY normal behavior. Hell for that matter my teens love to pull the Stewie moment on me <E>
</E>. Children by nature are all about them, goes back to the days of survival of the fittest, these are things that can be corrected but don't happen over night. By the time you think you have one thing under control another issue pop's up and then the teen years hit...oye, I am not sure which age group can be worse.<e></e></B><br/>
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In regards to the BM – Background – she wasn’t intended to be a relationship with my fiancé 5 years ago, she was a fling. He was preparing to head off to finish his degree out of town, she purposely got pregnant. So being the guy he is, he stuck it out with her, tried to make it work. Obviously it didn’t, she was cheating on him while he was away at school, etc…. flash forward to what I personally know of her and not just what I heard about the past… I see that she loves C, I see that she may try her best for C, but she lives in a 4 bedroom house with a zoo. She takes off a lot of work days to do god knows what, (she took off a week of work to mourn her boyfriends grandfathers death.) Their house had no hot water for a week and C told us probably 4 days into it, in which my fiancé calls up and asks about it. There is no co-parenting, especially now with the custody change coming up. The BM’s boyfriend doesn’t have a job. C lives with us, the BM stepdad and mother, the BM father and stepmother and the BM and her zoo. They live off of frozen foods and junk food (we cook every night and if we eat out, it’s never fast food), the mother violated the custody court agreement and blatantly told C to not tell Daddy or K, as well as Grandma repeating that, (C told us about her weekend, and “shhh mommy and gma told me that it’s our secret, and not to tell you… but I had to anyways coz it was fun!”) – And then there’s things that I’m sure that we don’t know about that the mother does in good standing. She tries to make it to all C’s school functions (of course, because she takes all the time off work that she wants) So while the child is not being abused physically, the court will not see that the child is in danger, and therefore full custody will not be granted. My fiancé will not bring up all of the problems that we know of, as they are not apart of the original filing… most of them will have to be something that we “just know” and leave it be at that. We’re trying to just make it so C has a healthier situation, and gets the best that she can from all parties. Bottom line is that its up to the mediation and the court, we can say all that we want, the only proof of what we have is from C herself and heresay. But we can see all the patterns visibly when we have her. <br/>
All in all, doing the best that I can. If I wasn’t willing to be apart of this family, then I would have left a long time ago, I wouldn’t have moved away from my familiar surroundings to be closer to C’s school, I wouldn’t have dropped a lot of my social life to be a “parent” the weekends that we do have C, I wouldn’t be looking for activities, signing her up for dance classes, taking her to the movies, making her dinner – if I didn’t give a hoot… But I do, and that’s why I’m sticking around, that’s why I joined a freakin parenting forum(s), <B><s>
</s>that’s why I purchased like 15 parenting and step parenting books, <e></e></B>that’s why while I didn’t write vows to my fiancé – but I wrote vows for C for our wedding, that’s why I have not ran away and do not intend to do so.<br/>
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Many, not all of these books give a false sense of what is right. Be careful and be leery way to many people fall into traps of what is normal and what isn't.
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