Is honesty the best medicine, really?...

[OnlineParent]

maybe

 

[K_Stepmom2b]

It is perfectly normal to be concerned about an issue like this. I hear you. It's not personal towards your husband, nor towards C (although her being hurtful can be personal that doesn't seem to be your heart). I think your concerns are completely valid and most certainly believe that your feelings in this matter. I see it quite a bit in my field (counseling) and I can personally vouch for you...you're not the only one feeling these things.

Though I really do understand your husbands feelings of you not being on the team, it seems perfectly understandable that the thought of her living with you guys full time is...daunting. I imagine that as much as little C. is hurting and angry she can probably treat your crappy. That's not ok and, while it is a behavior that needs to be phased out but honestly come by, it is not okay to treat you that way. You are exactly right.

Absolutely! Going from no kids to a 5-year old is like going from riding a bike to driving a backhoe. Backhoe's are not ridiculously difficult to operate, but that first time you see all those levers and pedals it's scary and there can be a learning curve.

I don't think that not being okay with all these arrangements right off the bat is unusual at all. I think that most in your position would feel the exact same way. Kiddos with past baggage can be a beautiful thing as they heal, but until then the wounds (emotional/mental) can be ugly.

I firmly advocate you being completely honest with him. Believe me, I understand the allure of the "lets just shut up and not say anything about it" approach. I want to take it frequently. Unfortunately, it will likely build up and explode later. Then little C possibly learns 1 of 2 things.

1. "If I act like a turd to the other ladies in Daddy's lives they will go away."

OR

2. "Ah, look! People that say they care about we will leave eventually."

Neither of these 2 are lucrative. For you or for young C.

Bottom line, your asking all the right questions. I think that you are in a better place than some of the responses on here that seem like they are shaming you for feeling this way. You seem to be counting the cost. This relationship with C will likely be tumultuous and hard. However, some of the most beautiful relationships I've seen forged came out of some tough crap.

Well done Klear. I'm impressed and hang in there.

Thank you. I'm glad that how I feel is the norm for someone in my position and I do feel like I am putting my best foot forward and working towards something better than nothing... its a battle, but its in progress.

@Singledad - I'm sorry if I took your advice the wrong way, it may just be the wording that I am perceiving as harsh.
In any case, I am just responding to what I am reading, it lacks tone and facial expressions, empathy and even sarcasm.
While it may seem like I do not value your feedback, I do.

But the "I hope i never end up in your fiances situation" and my defensiveness to it, is warranted as i said and explained. Whereas you may think of that phrase differently, I read it for how it is.

 

[singledad]

<r><QUOTE author="Klear_Stepmom2b;129195"><s>

</s>I said, “Honestly, <B><s></s>I wouldn’t be excited about it right away<e></e></B>, but I would possibly grow into it. “<br/>
And then automatically <B><s></s>his entire attitude toward me shifted and now he says he’s having doubts.<e></e></B> Not exactly the thing someone wants to hear when they’re planning their wedding. So I wrote a sappy 5 page letter while drinking a bottle of wine while he watched TV in the other room, wanting to be alone b/c after discussing everything <B><s></s>he didn’t know how to recover and such. <e></e></B><br/>
<br/>
He says that for him it’s a burden that he doesn’t get to see his daughter everyday and that &lt;B&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;for me; it’s a burden that she lives with us, &lt;U&gt;&lt;s&gt;<U>&lt;/s&gt;which to an extent it is&lt;e&gt;</U>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/U&gt;&lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/B&gt;, &lt;e&gt;

&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/QUOTE&gt;
(Emphasis mine)
&lt;QUOTE author="Klear_Stepmom2b;129435"&gt;&lt;s&gt;

&lt;/s&gt;@Singledad - I'm sorry if I took your advice the wrong way, it may just be the wording that I am perceiving as harsh. &lt;br/&gt;
In any case, I am just responding to what I am reading, it lacks tone and facial expressions, empathy and even sarcasm. &lt;br/&gt;
While it may seem like I do not value your feedback, I do. &lt;br/&gt;
&lt;br/&gt;
But the "I hope i never end up in your fiances situation" and my defensiveness to it, is warranted as i said and explained. Whereas you may think of that phrase differently, I read it for how it is.&lt;e&gt;

&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/QUOTE&gt;

So. Should I apologise for having empathy for BOTH of you? Is admitting that he may not be dilleriously happy with your lack of enthusiasm an insult to you? (and I even ask that with trepidation, because hinting at you not being over the moon is apparently also an insult) Did I really misinterpret EVERYTHING you wrote in your OP? What do you want me to say?&lt;/r&gt;

 

[Mom2all]

I've thought about your post often since I last wrote and now I believe that perhaps you were right. Honesty is the best policy. But I think where you both went wrong may have been at the very beginning. You should have told him from the very start that you were not interested in having children, and he should have told you that his daughters well being would always come first. That may have settled things early on with both having the option to walk away before hearts were involved. Marriage is all about selflessness and compromise. Where you want to live, whos in charge of decorating, where you take vacation and such. A child's welfare can never be compromised on. And unfortunately, if you do not want her there, do not want kids, or get frustrated with her for normal 5 year old things, you'll resent her more and she will know it. It would be damaging.

 

[DadofTeen]

This is some really good dialogue. I wanted to give feedback from the perspective of a Step Parent since you asked that in one of the replies...

I met my wife when her daughter (now mine too, I don't call her "step", I just refer to her as my daughter) was 2.5.

She is now turning 18 (next month). At first I was a little opposite from you. I wanted to have kids, my wife (girlfriend then) had full time custody of her daughter and her biological father was never in the picture.

It was challenging as a young man being with a man with a woman who had a child. We rarely had "alone" time. It was hard to get away together just the two of us.

Early on I had was committed to the whole "just add water instant Dad" idea but as our relationship grew it became more difficult.

I wasn't sure if I could handle it. I didn't think I could ever love her like "my own". I always felt like a 3rd party.

My wife would let me be Dad when things were good, and when things went bad I was just some guy.

Later, I then decided I didn't want to have children (as long as I was with her and her daughter)

I then started to feel like I cheated myself from one of the most marvelous experiences.

I blamed both my wife and her daughter. Even though the decisions were all mine.

As you can imaging this created serious issues for us.

I can go on forever about my story but I want to make sure I got to your original question especially since our stories are kinda similar.

Is honesty the best medicine? Yes. But first the honesty has to start with you.

You said you didn't want kids to now automatically have a 5 year old...why didn't you want kids? If you have some deep reason why this could present problems.

Really think about if you are willing to really really share your fiance (with his child as priority) and take the 2nd seat - where you are not priority, you will never have him all to yourself, where in your young marriage you will not have the acclimation time to just be man and wife. In addition where there is another woman involved (mom), sometimes nagging, sometimes backing out on promises, sometimes causing problems in your family.

This decision isn't like making a new years resolution to lose weight and then pig out when February comes around and no harm no foul.

It's a fully loaded decision AND there is a child involved.

Someone mentioned earlier that you were wrong and he is right. I don't think there is a right or wrong. I think you are both right.

You are right to have the feeling you have and so is he. You are right to question your commitment and so is he. He has every right to make sure that you will be right for him and his daughter. And you have every right to make sure that this situation will be one that you will honestly be able to handle.

You should take some time to yourself away from the situation and really think about it. Feel it.

When you've been able to think about all of this stuff, then get together with him and lay it all out.

A. I can't handle it - so goodbye
B. I love you, I want to be with you, I am willing to work my darndest (nice word huh?) to make this work...and there are some very important things that you need to understand about the way I feel about this situation. It is new to me. It is difficult for me. I don't feel the same way you do about your child...and on and on..flush it out...

After you have given your honest, well thought out thoughts and feelings (if you go with option B) then ask him to give you honest feedback if he loves you enough to work with you through all of the things you just shared.

I assure you, if he does, you both will love and respect each other even more than you do now and your relationship will blossom.

So, yes, honesty is the best medicine! (I may have already said that).

 

[john pape]

Is honesty the best medicine, really? so we will maintain a perfect personality so we will present as a mirror so best medicine provide us best satisfaction and conscious about reality.

 

[john pape]

Is honesty the best medicine, really? so we will maintain a perfect personality so we will present as a mirror so best medicine provide us best satisfaction and conscious about reality.
Boot Camp Leawood

 

[john pape]

honesty the best medicine, really we will sincere in any matters then we get a best role and our health remain fit and smart so be happy all life.

 

[inexco]

I believe honesty is the best medicine in many situations. I am always honest to others and want the same back from others.

This is such a good topic!

 

[thumper1980]

if he can get full custody he should take it...it will be great for you and the kid to bond....i wasnt all for it before but now i want him to have full custody of the kids....but when it comes to his kids you need to rember that his kids will always come before you....you are second kids are first...its hard to get used to but you gotta

 

[momtoallkids]

from personal experiance both as a step parent and a step child, when you get involved with someone who has a child that you are planning on spending the rest of your life with you have to be willing to take that child head on as if they were your own. treat them exactly the same as you would your own. if you are not willing to do that then dont get involved at all. that is how the child grows to resent you. they pick up on everything. they sense everything and if they sense that you have your doubts it makes them think they arent wanted. if you start your relationship with said child that way it stays with them forever and there will always be some bit of resentment. you cant half ass it especially when it comes to kids from torn families. its confusing enough being stuck in the middle of it but when you feel as if you are unwanted and the cause of your parents/step parents fights it just makes it 10 times worse.