Issues With Wife, and Extended Family...

[Crazylife2231]

Yes, I can relate - at 9, my 14-year old was going down the same path. I do think he needs some counselling as divorce anger can come out even years later and the behaviour you're describing is attention-getting and comes from the "I need help" syndrome. I know it may seem he's a bit evil and drumming his fingers together on the sidelines while laughing, (;o) but that is not the case. He still thinks with the mind of a child and most likely has no idea why he is acting this way. We all want our kids to be respectful, even just tolerable, but that is not always possible and perhaps this is the path he has to take. You have to let him (within reason, of course) own his behaviour and if it has a horrible effect on his future, that is the natural consequence.
Often, as I have so learned, we try and control their bad behaviour rather than seek to understand and heal the root cause of it. Counselling can have a profound effect on a 9-year old and now is certainly the time to do it as the teen years become much more difficult to accomplish this.
I have to question the teacher saying you take steps at home....I have encountered teachers that think if the child's behaviour is difficult at school, it must mean bad parenting at home.
Obviously I don't know all the ins and outs here, but without a doubt, children feel a great deal of anger, confusion, mis-identity, etc, over divorce and it often comes out in these years. Counselling!!!
(And BTW, your tone only sounds frustrated which I think we all are in this forum!)

 

[mr.mom]

I took him to counseling. He was prescribed adderall after two visits, which I didn't agree with. He does have father issues, and general anger issues and I am the one trying to handle it. He was throwing fits, and getting out of control. The adderall does seem to do some good, but it might be causing some adverse affects as well.

 

[mom2many]

What you have is a 9 year old, who is most likely bored in school. Wouldn't you get up and act up when you are bored...hours on end?

I also agree about natural consequences whenever you can. With my 9 year old, we did NOT take away recess. That only made the problem a lot worse, and him even more fidgety. Instead he would miss out on other things or come in from class 5 minutes earlier then anyone else. He still got to work off his excess energy but was punished by not getting to play as long, and for kids that can be a big deal.

It also sounds like grandpa is who he is and after all of these years it's not going to change. So your real question is...how important is the relationship with him? Either you guys deal with who he is or he is removed from your lives. Yes, your wife should have been the one to tell him. Honestly I would not have addresses the issue with her father. I would have let the boy go and then dealt with the wife, she is the one who needs to lay down the law. It is her dad, you are her husband...you two need to work it out and if it isn't to your liking go to her and talk about it.

 

[Crazylife2231]

I can say good for you for handling all this - you ARE a good father! Most would just give up and I can see you truly have best interests here. Continue counselling for all of you - some deep-seated issues are here that will take time and many sessions to work through. Just Keep Swimming!!

 

[mom2many]

I was going to address ADD/ADHD but it can be a sensitive subject with new parents. My son has ADD I do not medicate, I also have a son with bi-polar and I clearly medicate him. If you have the diagnosis and adderall is needed then there is something there. What you need to understand is that traditional ways of discipline do not work...for the most part.

If you are going to continue to not use medication you need to do a lot of research.

Does he have an IEP or a 504 in place?

 

[mr.mom]

He is bored, very bored, but so was I when I was in school. Kids in general don't seem to have the same self control as kids from yesteryear. There were teachers I was literally afraid of, and that kept me in line.

We never expect him to be perfect. We just want him to be respectful, which he isn't.

His gpa doesn't feel that he should be held accountable because of how "special" he is, and because he is well behaved for the gpa. He doesn't see the other side, and doesn't have to deal with it. I do. My wife does, sometimes. We are "the deciders". Not him.

 

[mr.mom]

We are going to keep him on the medicine until next school year to see if he can get off on the right track. Hopefully he will, and we can get him off of it.

One thing I was just thinking about. If Billy is telling the truth about the situation, and gpa is lying shouldn't there be a consequence? If Billy sees an advantage to lying wouldn't that encourage him to do so in the future? His gpa is a bad influence on him, and it is our job to protect him from people like that no matter what the relation. All we wanted was to wait a month until someone more competent could be there with them. He wouldn't accept that and "held his breath" until he got his way. This decision shouldn't be up to him. He guilted my wife into giving in to him.

 

[Crazylife2231]

No, in a perfect world you are right. However, the reality is that your wife is the one that has to deal with all this and you have to let her even if you don't agree. As the step-parent, your job is just to support, even though you have all the "duties" of a birth parent. Hence the biggest challenge here - step back. Talk to your wife and support her to make the decisions and deal with her father. The more you try and sway this, the worse it will get. And another favourite quote of mine, "There is NO reasoning with unreasonalbe people"

 

[mr.mom]

No, in a perfect world you are right. However, the reality is that your wife is the one that has to deal with all this and you have to let her even if you don't agree. As the step-parent, your job is just to support, even though you have all the "duties" of a birth parent. Hence the biggest challenge here - step back. Talk to your wife and support her to make the decisions and deal with her father. The more you try and sway this, the worse it will get. And another favourite quote of mine, "There is NO reasoning with unreasonalbe people"

No disrespect, but I don't fully agree. When it comes to things that my wife wants/doesn't want for Billy I go along even if I don't agree. She doesn't want him playing with toy guns or weapons of any sort. I don't agree with it but I respect it. Violence isn't brought upon by toys, it's brought upon by lack of love/guidance. When it comes to him growing up to be a good person and to learn that his actions result in different results I feel that it is my job to intervene. When he grows up, the person that he becomes is in part my responsibility and it my parental duty to assist in that. I'm the one who has to face the teachers and administrators, and explain why he acts like this. I'm the one who has to be the heavy when he misbehaves. And I'm the one who looks like an ass when I am trying to enforce things that my wife implements to then change her mind.

 

[mr.mom]

On a separate note, is anyone else surprised that the handle "mr. mom" wasn't already taken?

 

[Crazylife2231]

Then I think your wife needs to step up here. You're so right about the guidance needed, etc, however, the guidance will only happen if you're not battling. Easier said than done, as I'm also learning this path as well. Only you can decide what is right for you...just trying to encourage the "picking your battles" option...)

 

[mr.mom]

Compromise is paramount in a relationship. Your wife should not have to choose between her husbands wishes and her fathers unless it absolutely necessary.

The thing is is that it wasn't even my wish to begin with. The whole idea of the punishment was hers, but I had to enforce it. One issue that she has had since I've known her is not following through. I am always the one who does, and it makes me out to look like a jerk.

 

[akmom]

(This is not advice.)

If my spouse insisted on a punishment and then didn't follow through, I would probably walk up to "Billy" and say, "Remember how you misbehaved at school? Here you go." Then hand him a big double-scoop ice cream cone. If we're gonna flip-flop, might as well do it whole-heartedly.

I can imagine the handle "mr. mom" being taken, but for some reason I'd be very surprised if "mrs. dad" was.

 

[mr.mom]

It really is difficult to gauge the treatment of Billy. His response is so random that we rarely know how to handle him. One of his issues is his mouth. He never knows when to shut up, especially when he's in trouble. If we take something away that he enjoys, he'll say how he doesn't care, and how it didn't want it anyway. Other times he freaks out, and will start screaming, and sometimes hit himself. He starts too cry over the littlest cut, but he once put his knee through the drywall, and didn't even flinch. All of this was relayed to his therapist, but he just chalked it up as ADD. Billy does seem different since the meds have settled in. I hope that the meds work even if I didn't agree with him taking them.

 

[Mom2all]

I have 4 boys and 1 honey with ADD or ADHD and its very hard sometimes to deal with it. I think first you have to realize that this is not a normal situation. We have 2 that were able to function without medication and so we didn't medicate. We have one that medicated for a while but seems okay in school without it now and 1 that takes medication only when he has exams. ( and on long car trips as otherwise we might leave him on the side of the road ) My honey, who is the greatest man I've ever known, takes pain medicine for his back daily. It slows him down. Without pain medicine, I couldn't tolerate him ether. He's "off the chain" and his mouth would never quit moving. If someone is truly ADHD and not just poorly diagnosed, be patient. I remember my oldest son every day telling me, "today I'm going to be so good and get green!" Only to come home sad because he'd got in trouble again. He got a good report exactly 1x in elementary school but he tried so hard!
With children like him, I found an immediate punishment for bad behavior works best. Prolonging it doesn't work because they've moved past the thing they did wrong in about 2 seconds flat.. and truly how horrible do they feel when they try so hard to be good only to fail time and time again. Make small goals. If your son does about a million things wrong.. work on 2 this week. Give instructions for stuff in minute intervals. Instead of saying...clean you room.. say.. "for the next 5 minutes, here's a timer, see how many toys you can pick up in your room". Then more on to the next thing. They do better in 5 minute blocks. Then move on to the next task. If you can understand him better, chances are you'll not have to punish as much, but alter his behavior by altering how you expect him to accomplish them.

 

[Mommyof4in11]

I have also been in your shoes with my in laws. Both my husband and I came into our marriage having two from our past marriages. His mom and dad were close to what you are going through. My husband would send the kids they would come home with bags of stuff and would have been to eat at McDonald's before they came home. Even when we were at the shared camper they would ask my husband or myself for something and if we said no they would go ask Mimi or Papa and would get it. It was a battle and I had little to no say they were not my children even if I felt more like mom than step mom. Do not ask a son or daughter to choose between you and their parents over visitation with that child you will lose. They most likely had these visits before you came into the picture and the rules weren't there. Are you the one imposing the rule and your wife just going along for the ride is that why she didn't tell her dad or gave under his pressure? I know I would tell my husband to butt out where time with grandparents are concerned. As long as they don't go against me infront of my face i.e I tell the child no mimi almost has dinner done youcan't have a cookie until after you eat and then they asked grandpa and he knew I had just said no then I would have to say something to my dad. What grandpa does on his time unless its harmful to your ss is his business. The child needs reinforcement that what he does at grandpa's and what he gets is not the same as at home. Your house has your rules he must follow there same goes for grandpa. You have to weight the facts that grandparents are most of the time up in years and it won't be too many more that they won't be here or in the health to enjoy those grandbabies back off a little and allow the grandpa his time. As far as your daughter is concerned you have say and he should respect that but don't make their memories filled with arguments and grandpa having to tell them to lie it hurts.