I really don't think that it's to be mean to you, I think she just tries to protect her (your) child. The way you write, sorry to say, but it sounds to me like she's right to hold on your child. And I'm sure her bf only wants the best for her and her child too, not nescesarilly to replace you.
james's mom pissed off again..what else is new?...
- Thread starter superman
- Start date
You smoked weed before you went to pick up your son. You got into an argument that made your son cry. It doesn't matter what provocation she gave you, those things are still wrong. The fact that she was also wrong, and that she had been wrong in the past doesn't take away the fact that you were not innocent this time. It takes two to have a fight, and you were one of them.
You know, its a lot easier to stop making the same mistake over and over when you stop looking for excuses. As long as you insist that you didn't choose to act that way, you won't have the power to choose to act in a different way...
You know, its a lot easier to stop making the same mistake over and over when you stop looking for excuses. As long as you insist that you didn't choose to act that way, you won't have the power to choose to act in a different way...
yeah, and you know she's going to push those button's so it isn't a surprise. If this is a game you two are playing you're letting her win...just some food for thought.superman said:
I was glad to see you come around and understand so,e of the stuff you did wrong too. Nobody's perfect, but unfortunately, you know people are waiting for you to mess up. So, don't give them the opportunity.
Just thought I'd share a thought for how you can help yourself. Take it or leave it. How about you treat this like an airline pilot? On the days you have James, you stay clean and sober from non the day before. It's simple. You draw a line in the sand, and you know if you cross it you're probably not going to get to see him. I know it works well in theory and it's hard as hell in reality, just trying to give you a tool to help you approach this day by day. If you're trying to do better, and I really believe you are, you need some help, some tools you can turn to when you need help making it past that next challenge.
superman said:
I agree, you are still on the learning curve but you are not a dead beat, unlike a dead beat you are trying.
I agree, you might have a lot of problems as far as learning how to be a good dad goes, and you're definitely not perfect (who is?) but you're young and you're trying very hard to do right by him and become a better man with time, and I think that counts for a lot. Dead beats don't try.
You aren't a dead beat. That was kind of out of line especially when you had already admitted that you were wrong and said it wouldn't happen again.
Dead beats don't have their kid every (other?) weekend, they don't apologize for stupid things they did, and they sure as hell don't sign up on a parenting forums to learn how to be a better father.
You aren't perfect. I'm not perfect, and Jeremy isn't perfect...no one is.
If I told you some of the stupid things I did (one yesterday that is a very scary story) your jaw would fall to the floor.
You're not a dead beat, you're human.
Dead beats don't have their kid every (other?) weekend, they don't apologize for stupid things they did, and they sure as hell don't sign up on a parenting forums to learn how to be a better father.
You aren't perfect. I'm not perfect, and Jeremy isn't perfect...no one is.
If I told you some of the stupid things I did (one yesterday that is a very scary story) your jaw would fall to the floor.
You're not a dead beat, you're human.
I don't know you, but you don't sound like you're in any shape to care for or influence a child.
Don't mind Jeremy - he's a Brit - they're all perfect. Just ask him. 
Having read the thread again, I want to say one more thing.
I suspect that James's mother really doesn't want to give him to you, most likely because she doesn't really trust you. So she will be looking for ways in which you screw up. That would frustrate anyone, and it would definitely bring out my rebellious side, but next time, keep in mind that your son is worth more than your pride, and saying "screw her", effectively means "screw James". So be impeccable where he is concerned. Don't give her anything to criticise you about. If she tries to pick a fight, just stay calm and tell her that she is free to think of you whatever she wants, but you won't fight with her. You just want to spend time with your son.
Lastly - I like IADad's idea of drawing a line in the sand and saying I won't drink/smoke after noon the day before he comes. Its so much easier to stick to a rule if you know the reason for it (You want to be able to see James) and if a rule is black and white, so there's no way to bend it. Obviously you're friends are going to tell you to just have one drink with them, but that's where you're going to have to stand up for James, and tell them No, I'll have a coke, cause I'm seeing my kid tomorrow...
Having read the thread again, I want to say one more thing.
I suspect that James's mother really doesn't want to give him to you, most likely because she doesn't really trust you. So she will be looking for ways in which you screw up. That would frustrate anyone, and it would definitely bring out my rebellious side, but next time, keep in mind that your son is worth more than your pride, and saying "screw her", effectively means "screw James". So be impeccable where he is concerned. Don't give her anything to criticise you about. If she tries to pick a fight, just stay calm and tell her that she is free to think of you whatever she wants, but you won't fight with her. You just want to spend time with your son.
Lastly - I like IADad's idea of drawing a line in the sand and saying I won't drink/smoke after noon the day before he comes. Its so much easier to stick to a rule if you know the reason for it (You want to be able to see James) and if a rule is black and white, so there's no way to bend it. Obviously you're friends are going to tell you to just have one drink with them, but that's where you're going to have to stand up for James, and tell them No, I'll have a coke, cause I'm seeing my kid tomorrow...
thanks xero and fo7....i appreciate the understanding.
singledad...i know she dont trust me. i admit i have some done things to break her trust....but that was a while ago + im not like that anymore. it might not look like im tryin to change to some ppl but i honestly am.i agree that rule is good and im gonna use it
singledad...i know she dont trust me. i admit i have some done things to break her trust....but that was a while ago + im not like that anymore. it might not look like im tryin to change to some ppl but i honestly am.i agree that rule is good and im gonna use it
A few more thoughts:
An apology here would go a long way towards smoothing your relationship, whether you feel you were in the wrong or not. It's always lose-lose if your mindset is "I'm not gonna apologize, SHE should apologize to ME." You can't approach apologies as meaning you are somehow "losing." Let's face it - as long as you are parenting your son, you will have to deal with his mother. There is, simply put, NO VALUE in fighting with her. All it can possibly do is make things worse for you, and more complicated for your parenting agreement.
When I was married, I had a step-son who was 1 1/2 at the time. His dad was an abusive jerk, and he lived in Arizona (we were in Massachusetts). He would constantly fight with my wife on the phone about when he could see Chris. She wouldn't let him go out there, and he would spew the most vile insults and stuff imaginable, about how she was "keeping his son away from him" etc. For him, it was never about what was best for Chris, it was about HIM being disrespected or whatever.
What he failed to understand is that it was ALWAYS ABOUT CHRIS. She was terrified of him, terrified that he would hurt Chris. So, when she refused to let him see Chris, it was out of fear for his safety.
Chris' dad turned out to be a deadbeat. He loved to rant and rave, but at the end of the day, he never paid a cent in child support, and never cared enough to take Erica to court for a custody arrangement.
My point is, your ex- keeping your son from you will NEVER be about her disrespecting you, or deliberately trying to mess with you. She's only worried about the safety of her son. That's what mothers do.
Anyone who has lived with an addict or with someone who is trying to change deeply ingrained behaviors knows that it takes a LONG string of successes to earn back that trust. Even if YOU know you're trying to change, HER vision of you hasn't changed. She doesn't trust you, and from what you've told us, she has good reason for that.
Think of it like a piggy bank. Every time you are a responsible parent, or kind, or thoughtful, you get to put money in the bank. When it gets full, you've established trust. But every time you slip up, the bank breaks and you have to start all over again, with a slightly <I>bigger</I> piggy bank. As of today, you're at ground zero because of the other day.
Consider it from her perspective for a moment: it only takes ONE slip-up for James to die, and that's ALL she can think about. It's <I>terrifying </I>for her to willingly put her child in that situation. She's thinking things like, "Maybe he's been drinking earlier, and he thinks he's fine, and I let James go with him, and he misses a stop sign or something, and bam, James is dead."
Anyway, again, it's <I>great </I>that you're trying. I hope you continue to do so. Just remember that every time you slip up, you have to start over again.
Good luck!
~s
An apology here would go a long way towards smoothing your relationship, whether you feel you were in the wrong or not. It's always lose-lose if your mindset is "I'm not gonna apologize, SHE should apologize to ME." You can't approach apologies as meaning you are somehow "losing." Let's face it - as long as you are parenting your son, you will have to deal with his mother. There is, simply put, NO VALUE in fighting with her. All it can possibly do is make things worse for you, and more complicated for your parenting agreement.
When I was married, I had a step-son who was 1 1/2 at the time. His dad was an abusive jerk, and he lived in Arizona (we were in Massachusetts). He would constantly fight with my wife on the phone about when he could see Chris. She wouldn't let him go out there, and he would spew the most vile insults and stuff imaginable, about how she was "keeping his son away from him" etc. For him, it was never about what was best for Chris, it was about HIM being disrespected or whatever.
What he failed to understand is that it was ALWAYS ABOUT CHRIS. She was terrified of him, terrified that he would hurt Chris. So, when she refused to let him see Chris, it was out of fear for his safety.
Chris' dad turned out to be a deadbeat. He loved to rant and rave, but at the end of the day, he never paid a cent in child support, and never cared enough to take Erica to court for a custody arrangement.
My point is, your ex- keeping your son from you will NEVER be about her disrespecting you, or deliberately trying to mess with you. She's only worried about the safety of her son. That's what mothers do.
Anyone who has lived with an addict or with someone who is trying to change deeply ingrained behaviors knows that it takes a LONG string of successes to earn back that trust. Even if YOU know you're trying to change, HER vision of you hasn't changed. She doesn't trust you, and from what you've told us, she has good reason for that.
Think of it like a piggy bank. Every time you are a responsible parent, or kind, or thoughtful, you get to put money in the bank. When it gets full, you've established trust. But every time you slip up, the bank breaks and you have to start all over again, with a slightly <I>bigger</I> piggy bank. As of today, you're at ground zero because of the other day.
Consider it from her perspective for a moment: it only takes ONE slip-up for James to die, and that's ALL she can think about. It's <I>terrifying </I>for her to willingly put her child in that situation. She's thinking things like, "Maybe he's been drinking earlier, and he thinks he's fine, and I let James go with him, and he misses a stop sign or something, and bam, James is dead."
Anyway, again, it's <I>great </I>that you're trying. I hope you continue to do so. Just remember that every time you slip up, you have to start over again.
Good luck!
~s
You know my first instinct was to jump on ya with both feet. So I decided to let yer post sit awhile and peculate.
So after a few days thinking about it and reading the other post's I think I am ready.
Dude I have done some rotten things. Things that I didn't think were in anyway harmful at the time. That I got in a pissin match with my wife over. I was wrong.
The learning curve is long, harsh and at time's seems unforgiving. The one thing I have found to be true is that there always seems to be another opportunity to teach my boy that a man accepts responsibility for his mistakes and does his best to make things right.
It would be hypocritical of me to say anything other than that.
You havent seen the light yet but I suspect soon you will. Thats its just really no fun to be around your kids when you have any kind of a buzz. Right or wrong its just going to give you a creepy buzzkill feeling to be around a 6 yr old who is smarter than you. I think I completely stopped getting buzzed around Cole when he was about 4. Never have been around Chloe. The thing is you will want to be the "Go to Guy" The "Mr fix it" around your MiniMe. Its just embarrassing to look like a fool in front of the kids.
The last point I want to make is you cant ever win that type of fight with your ex. Even if on some strange level in a distant reality you did win. You still lose. She holds the cards. Even if you won it would only cause her to be in a foul mood. While you may not care about her mood I am sure your boy does. Lose, Lose.
Take your boy go carting or to a video arcade, or teach him to shoot a bb gun. Its a better buzz anyway. And it last forever.
Dont misunderstand. I like a good buzz now and then. Just not around the kids.
So after a few days thinking about it and reading the other post's I think I am ready.
Dude I have done some rotten things. Things that I didn't think were in anyway harmful at the time. That I got in a pissin match with my wife over. I was wrong.
The learning curve is long, harsh and at time's seems unforgiving. The one thing I have found to be true is that there always seems to be another opportunity to teach my boy that a man accepts responsibility for his mistakes and does his best to make things right.
It would be hypocritical of me to say anything other than that.
You havent seen the light yet but I suspect soon you will. Thats its just really no fun to be around your kids when you have any kind of a buzz. Right or wrong its just going to give you a creepy buzzkill feeling to be around a 6 yr old who is smarter than you. I think I completely stopped getting buzzed around Cole when he was about 4. Never have been around Chloe. The thing is you will want to be the "Go to Guy" The "Mr fix it" around your MiniMe. Its just embarrassing to look like a fool in front of the kids.
The last point I want to make is you cant ever win that type of fight with your ex. Even if on some strange level in a distant reality you did win. You still lose. She holds the cards. Even if you won it would only cause her to be in a foul mood. While you may not care about her mood I am sure your boy does. Lose, Lose.
Take your boy go carting or to a video arcade, or teach him to shoot a bb gun. Its a better buzz anyway. And it last forever.
Dont misunderstand. I like a good buzz now and then. Just not around the kids.
oh superman....... I wish I could give you a slap in the back of the head right now . Tisk tisk young man!!! But I'm glad you understand what you did was not cool. Being a young father is hard, im sure. I was a young mom (not in my teens or anything) but I was 21 when my daughter was born. It's definately a learning curve, even for mommy. I agree with everyone, I think apologizing to James' mom will help settle the seas a bit. I can understand why she has some trust issues, I know if I were in her position I probably would too. But you have to prove to her, and yourself, that you are better than what she thinks you are, and that you will turn your life around for your son, he deserves that, and you know that too, im sure
Keep us updated superman!!! If you need anything, PM me!!!
xox
. Tisk tisk young man!!! But I'm glad you understand what you did was not cool. Being a young father is hard, im sure. I was a young mom (not in my teens or anything) but I was 21 when my daughter was born. It's definately a learning curve, even for mommy. I agree with everyone, I think apologizing to James' mom will help settle the seas a bit. I can understand why she has some trust issues, I know if I were in her position I probably would too. But you have to prove to her, and yourself, that you are better than what she thinks you are, and that you will turn your life around for your son, he deserves that, and you know that too, im sure Keep us updated superman!!! If you need anything, PM me!!!
xox
Hey Superman
I give you credit for coming here and telling us about your slip ups, It's such a good thing that you recognize them. I think you have a great deal of potential, I don't consider you a dead beat dad, I know you love your son and I think you support him financially and emotionally .
Why don't you try to start by changing the days you party, or if possible changing the days you have visitation with your son. For instance, if you look forward to partying on the weekends, than don't have James on those days. And make a deal with yourself that on the days you do have James you won't party at all.
Not even in the morning of that day, or anytime at all that day. I know it sounds easy, but it should be! Try changing a little at a time. It has to be realistic though or you won't keep to it.
You know what the problems are, and you seem like your trying to correct them, just don't ever give up on yourself, you have the power to change anything you want about you. And you have the best reason in the world..James, and your new baby on the way. They will be so proud of you one day when you began to teach them what isn't cool for a dad to do, and believe me those days will come. You will be able to say, 'I did this, and I stopped because I loved you guys so much' and you'll be telling the truth.
Just Keep on trying Superman, even if you slip and never give up.
I give you credit for coming here and telling us about your slip ups, It's such a good thing that you recognize them. I think you have a great deal of potential, I don't consider you a dead beat dad, I know you love your son and I think you support him financially and emotionally .
Why don't you try to start by changing the days you party, or if possible changing the days you have visitation with your son. For instance, if you look forward to partying on the weekends, than don't have James on those days. And make a deal with yourself that on the days you do have James you won't party at all.
Not even in the morning of that day, or anytime at all that day. I know it sounds easy, but it should be! Try changing a little at a time. It has to be realistic though or you won't keep to it.
You know what the problems are, and you seem like your trying to correct them, just don't ever give up on yourself, you have the power to change anything you want about you. And you have the best reason in the world..James, and your new baby on the way. They will be so proud of you one day when you began to teach them what isn't cool for a dad to do, and believe me those days will come. You will be able to say, 'I did this, and I stopped because I loved you guys so much' and you'll be telling the truth.
Just Keep on trying Superman, even if you slip and never give up.
no dude.. i so agree. like there have been a couple incidenrts where i was in no shapeto be takin care of a kid. im not gonna lie. i am not like that anymore. there was a time when i was involved with shitty people and i went to prison. im not buzzed around him anymore...im not like that old self of me.bssage said: