MIL adopted 1st grandchild..& she's not my kid...

[alikat618]

This may be out of left field but is it possible she is trying to get your attention? You know, kind of like children sometimes do with negative attention?

no i doubt it because this all started while we were away at school and when we came back it's like we were replaced and she really didn't see anything or anyone but that little girl. My sister in law would complain to me that she didn't even help her get ready for prom or take pictures.

 

[aliinnc]

I think that your MIL has done a very kind thing befriending these people. I also think that your child has a very special place in her heart because it is yours.

The more people you love, the more love you have to give.

 

[Teresa]

I say just let it go. It's not as though she has a limited amount of love to give and is stealing that from your child. As long as she is treating your child well, which you say she is, I don't see the big deal. If you continue to make it a big deal, you are going to drive a wedge between the two of you, and by extension, between her and your daughter, creating the opposite of what you actually want.

When I became pregnant and married their son we had to put a stop to it.

This sentence really bothers me. You and your husband have no right to tell another adult who they can and can't have a relationship with, or what sort of relationship it can be. It sounds to me like jealousy, plain and simple.

not recently. we talked to her about it when they first moved back and she came to us asking if she could take the little girl to mcdonalds and spend time with her (my daughter was already born and we were living with them). we said we didn't care if she had a relationship with her but why did it have to be so deep like a grandmother and granddaughter. she got mad and told us she didn't have to ask us anyway. She didn't speak to me for awhile and would make comments behind my back that I was jealous. that's why i'm afraid of asking her about the little girl still calling her nanny

Sorry, but I have to agree with your MIL. She shouldn't have to ask your permission to take someone she cares about to lunch, or to spend time with her. What sort of relationship she has with that little girl is HER choice to make, not yours.

 

[budnkota]

sorry - but I think you are inappropriately trying to control who she loves and are showing incredible insecurity.

What if your brother or sister in law had had a child before you? WOuld you be jealous of that to, since yours wasn't the first? Guess you should only have one kid, since apparently you don't think it is possible to love a second as much as you loved the first. Think about what you are saying here.

It doesn't matter if a child is biological or not. If the child's parents and your mother-in-law are happy with the situation, you need to butt out and get over it. It's NONE of your business. Behaving as though it is may be the best way to ALIENATE your mother-in-law, and end up distancing her from teh child you are so desperate for her to love. It's natural to want your family to love your child, but your irrational jealousy is going to get in the way of that.

Maybe you should be appreciating your mother-in-laws ability to share her love, and consider the positive lessons your child will learn from observing and being part of this.

Maybe you should appreciate that your child has a grandmother at all, regardless of who else is in the picture.. Many, many children are denied that incredible gift.

Maybe you should remember that nobody is OBLIGATED to love somebody else. Trying to force love is the quickest way to lose love.

I think I need to send you a copy of my children's book.. but I leave you with one line instead: "Where there is love, there is family."
Think about it.

 

[Mindy]

Before I became pregnant with the first biological grandchild my inlaw's all became very attached to a little girl. They practically raised her from the age of 4 months until her family moved away when she was a little over a year old. Her parents are the same age as me and my husband (their son) and worked at the same place as my father in law. They had problems with their marriage and would leave the child at my in law's during the day so they could sort things out and then at night sleep in my husband's room (we were away at college). That's fine of course but things got to the point where my mother in law made a nursery, bought a crib, clothes, toys, everything you can think of. Instead of encouraging the couple to spend more time with the child they kept her 4 days out of the week. My mother in law started to refer to her as her granddaughter and was abolutely smitten with her.

That's when it started to weird me and my husband out. We would come home from college to visit and the couple would be there sleeping in my husband's room and the baby would be sleeping in my in-law's room in the little nursery. My brothers and sister in law were referred to as Aunt and Uncle with the baby. When I became pregnant and married their son we had to put a stop to it. We felt like we were getting jipped out of a very special event in life...giving them their first grandchild. We talked to them about it and my mother in law got very defensive and said that it shouldn't be an issue but that she wouldn't call herself "Nanny" to her anymore since that's what our child and all her other real grandchildren would call her. I believed her but we would catch her sneaking out to go visit with her when we lived with them. We couldn't understand why she had to sneak around about it. It's not that we wanted her to cut ties, we just wanted there to be bounderies when it came to who was the first grandchild. I didn't want my child treated any differently. After my daughter was born things were ok, we just all ignored the issue.

Once the little girl and her family moved back things picked up again. We didn't say much and I didn't even pitch a fit about my mother in law leaving up all the little framed pictures that say things like "Grandma loves me" and "I love my nana!" with her picture in it. Well they stopped by for a visit recently and the little girl is around 2 now. I thought things were fine and resolved and we all had found a happy medium but the little girl was standing next to me and pointed to my mother in law and said "nanny nanny nanny!". I asked her mother who I was politely chit-chatting with what the little girl had just said so that I could be sure I heard right and she got really uncomfortable and told me but said that she wasn't sure why she was still calling her that. That made me realize that my mother in law must have said something to her about how it was making me feel and she was also still referring to herself as Nanny with the child because she wouldn't have remembered from when she was 7 months old (which was when she said she'd stop calling herself Nanny around her). I felt betrayed and hurt. I havn't decided if I should say anything yet because we just now got on better terms and seem to be building our relationship.

Do I even have reason to be upset? Is this all just jealousy and were we wrong to even step in on any of this?

Should I just let it go? If so, why am I even feeling so hurt and jealous? She's not the kind of woman that can calmly and logically discuss emotions and issues. She's very defensive. I'm just hurt and overwhelmed. Thank you for any help you can give
~Allison

To be honest, I think you are being selfish.

This poor little girl is just a child...Try and have a little compassion for her.

I think my stars everyday there are people like your MIL who are willing to love a child so selflessly even if the child is not biologically related to them.

There is such a stigma against adoptees and you reinforce it by hoping to have given them their 1st grandchild. Guess what, your child WILL be biologically related to them

She's just a child. And your jealousy of her is painfully obvious.

 

[budnkota]

Did you lose your mother when you were young? That is the vibe I am getting...

It's not really the I wanted to have the first grandchild issue, it's more that she looks at a kid that isn't related and wasn't even a part of me and my husband.

this line seems to indicate that it IS about you being the first, since if another biological grandchild had been first, it would not be a part of you and your husband. Even the title to your post indicates that you have made this somehow about you ("she's not my kid").

We were away at college while this went on and suddenly there's a new neice and a new brother a sister in the family. we had no say

Do you truly think that you "have say" when it comes to other people's decisions to extend the family tree? Do you think that brothers and sisters are going to seek your permission if they decide to have kids?

 

[Mindy]

It's ironic too that the thing you are sooo worried about is the very thing you want to deny this little girl.

Your daughter has a bio granny in her life. This little girl obviously does not. Your daughter had that privilege before she was even born. Something the little girl never did.

 

[alikat618]

I guess I left some important factors out when writing that. I appear to look selfish and bitter and that is true but there is more to it.

My MIL has every right to love that child but I did leave out the fact that she got so obsessed that she was talking about calling child services on the child's mother so that she could adopt her. She said things like she was a better mother to the kid, but then she would act sweet as pie to the mother. There was no reason to call child services, she just wanted that baby as her own.

During this time my husband didn't have the money for college. They spent every dime on this couple and the baby and disreguarded his education. They sent them to Disney world, paid for their car insurance, everything. That would be great if they had the money for their own son's college. How would that make any of you feel? Call me selfish.

The only reason we "had to put a stop to it" was because THEY made it appear that the child's parents were evil and ruining the family and this was all because they wanted the baby as their own. She has a 17 year old and a 15 year old (my brother and sister in law) that have been out of school since they were 12 and 10. She pulled them out with intentions of homeschooling but then never did. They ask her all the time to school them but they've given up now b/c she always put it off. She's not some great person and i'm a crazy selfish insecure little girl.

She would say things about my parenting to the child's parents and say awful things about me directly after saying awful things about them. Maybe she is great for loving children the way she does but she needs to learn how to love everyone else as well.

And yeah, to whoever said something about my past and my insecurities, my grandparents don't ever see me and all I can think is that they don't want to. I didn't even meet one of them until I was 16. The other set the grandfather molested me. my daughter having grandparents was really important to me and it didn't go as I imagined and it's my fault I built it up the way I did and let it bother me the way it did. Like I said and others have said, it's not like she's bad to my kid. If my MIL had good intentions concerning the entire situation (the parents too) then heck, i'd keep my mouth shut. We were made to think these people were awful. And I did until now. Now I see it's my MIL being selfish.

 

[alikat618]

I think I need to send you a copy of my children's book.. but I leave you with one line instead: "Where there is love, there is family."
Think about it.

I was simply asking for advice, not harsh words or people mocking me. I can understand love and family. That's why I was trying to work through the pain and get an outsiders view. My feelings were natural and i'm working on them just fine without a children's book.

 

[HappyMomma]

My MIL has every right to love that child but I did leave out the fact that she got so obsessed that she was talking about calling child services on the child's mother so that she could adopt her. She said things like she was a better mother to the kid, but then she would act sweet as pie to the mother. There was no reason to call child services, she just wanted that baby as her own.

Now, that's just creepy.

 

[alikat618]

Now, that's just creepy.

exactly, I was trying to leave all that out originally because I wanted to look at just me and my issues with this and not make her look really bad but then after the responses I realized people were thinking I was crazy so there is all this to consider. It definitely adds something to the situation I would think. I don't know, maybe there's a children's book about it.

 

[budnkota]

Newsflash: it's a valuable concept, regardless of where it happens to have originated from.

Perhaps she is legimately concerned about the welfare of this child, and feels that the parents are not doing their job. She's not going to say that to their face, because she knows they can pull the little girl out of her life at any time. Perhaps she feels a moral obligation to offer this child what she can..

 

[Lissa]

I don't have anymore advice for you but I'm sorry that you're going through this with your MIL. It is a very sad situation and I completely understand your hurt and frustration. I don't like that people are being so rude and critical of you in this thread. I don't see you as selfish at all. I'd feel the same way if it were my MIL.

 

[alikat618]

Newsflash: it's a valuable concept, regardless of where it happens to have originated from.

Perhaps she is legimately concerned about the welfare of this child, and feels that the parents are not doing their job. She's not going to say that to their face, because she knows they can pull the little girl out of her life at any time. Perhaps she feels a moral obligation to offer this child what she can..

What's with the harshness? I did nothing but ask for advice. You seem to have a lot of built up anger, but NEWSFLASH, you don't know me and I didn't say anything to hurt you or anyone else here. I'm not a stupid idiot and I have feelings like everyone else.

She had no reason, she said it was because she felt like they were drugging her which is what she said about me. That was never the case which is why I knew it was crap. We are both good mothers and good people. Putting them above her own son financially to where my parents had to finish putting him through college is inexcusable.

 

[Lissa]

What's with the harshness?

Just ignore her. She's that way to everyone.

 

[alikat618]

I don't have anymore advice for you but I'm sorry that you're going through this with your MIL. It is a very sad situation and I completely understand your hurt and frustration. I don't like that people are being so rude and critical of you in this thread. I don't see you as selfish at all. I'd feel the same way if it were my MIL.

Thank you I really appreciate that. I'm hurt and shocked with the responses i'm getting from some people. I never said I was right and I just wanted to share my feelings and get some advice. I am understanding what they are saying but they are saying it harshly and not taking into consideration that I came here in pain and looking for mothers who could relate and that there is more to the situation than just that i'm jealous.

 

[alikat618]

Just ignore her. She's that way to everyone.

Oh, I didn't realize, well in that case it's not worth saying anything else to her. Some people are just angry.

 

[ljmahr]

When I read your first post I thought wow are you jealous. But then after reading what else has been going on I think your mil is a little nuts. How can you have more love for someone else's kid than your own? I am sorry you have to go through this and I do not know how this would feel.

 

[alikat618]

When I read your first post I thought wow are you jealous. But then after reading what else has been going on I think your mil is a little nuts. How can you have more love for someone else's kid than your own? I am sorry you have to go through this and I do not know how this would feel.

hehe, yeah I re-read the original post and I was like...ehhh, ok I came off a bit jealous there...which I am and was but there really is more to it. I'm not usually this emotional about things but due to all the other issues i've had with MIL it just heightened what was simple jealousy into anger and resentment.

I really am a normal nice person people. I was just put through hell by this woman. I swear to it

 

[budnkota]

That's funny, Lissa - because there's a whole lot of positive comments on my CP. Only one who's had an issue is you - and now Alikat. I was appalled by what I read initially, and responded accordingly. Didn't see a whole lot of disagreement from others. That should tell her something.
Perhaps Ms Kat really don't not recognize her own snarkyness in her latest responses? (yeah- there's probably a children's book about THAT too).

I call it like I see it. and this is just not adding up. If her concern was really what she's now saying, why was that not mentioned at the start? She did plenty of complaining about everything else the MIL did. Even the name of the thread indicated jealousy that hers wasn't #1. So why leave out this new stuff... the ONE thing that could have SOME justification for concern?
It looks to me like she was surprised by the overriding opinion that she was being ridiculous and had to change it up to sound more reasonable.
maybe a run for office would be in order? Could be your calling!