Should we Allow our Children to Fail???...

[kclarke22]

<r>Below is an essay I had to write for school on failure and it's effects on our children. What are your thoughts? I am interested to hear both sides of the debate.<br/>
<br/>
&lt;FONT font="Calibri"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;“And in first place on the beam, with a 9.25, is Kristi Clarke!” The sport of gymnastics completely shaped my identity and my life. All through my childhood, each weekday evening from five until nine I was in the gym practicing to become a better gymnast, to earn a spot on the National Team, to possibly earn a college scholarship. When I look back on my career as a gymnast, the lessons I learned are as clear as day – particularly the ones derived from failure. &lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;FONT font="Calibri"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;In gymnastics, a slight bobble or a missed grip on the bar often means the difference between standing at the top of the podium and standing on the floor. I quickly learned the value of hard work, mental toughness, and a short memory. If I was to succeed, I couldn’t dwell on my past failures. At the close of my gymnastics career, I was pleased to discover that my sport had adequately prepared me for the real world. &lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;FONT font="Calibri"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;I was very young when I learned the consequences of failure, but it seems today’s children are not given that luxury. Nowadays everyone gets the blue ribbon at Field Day. Everyone gets a trophy for participation. We are sending a mixed message that is bound to confuse and lead astray – after all, isn’t failure an essential part of learning what we are good at? Continual failure sends a clear message to “try something else!” &lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;FONT font="Calibri"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;Thomas Watson, the founder IBM, said, “The formula for success is simple: double your rate of failure.” On the wall at Facebook’s corporate office the slogan “Fail Harder” is painted in huge letters on the wall. Successful people realize the value of learning from failure. Children who are insulated from failure will be paralyzed by the desire for perfection, never learning how to get up after they are knocked down. &lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;FONT font="Calibri"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;I can’t tell you how many times I fell off the beam or crashed to the floor, and I never did get that spot on the National Team. But the lessons I learned from those failures are what make me a successful person today.&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;/r&gt;

 

[Dadu2004]

This is a debate I often go back and forth with my ex wife. Naturally, I am overly-protective of my daughter and hate to see her fail. And my ex has to remind me that her failing will teach valuable life lessons that she will carry with her forever.

I think there can be a middle ground...I do think that allowing a child to continually fail without any positive reinforcement will be extremely deterimental to their development. However, giving them the ability to think they're constantly infallible can give the same detriment.

 

[MomoJA]

I think this question has two parts. The first is should we fix things so that our children can't fail. I would definitely say no to that. I see parents who do this without even being aware of it, and I probably do it too, at times, unaware that I'm doing it. But it is something I've thought about and while it kills me to see her fail, I do my darnedest not to step in and fix things.

I think the other question is should we have competitions in which we elevate some and not others. I think I feel that we should, but I'm not as definite about it. I'll have to give it a think.

 

[lovebeingamum]

Children should be allowed to fail; it gives them the opportunity to learn something.

Parents are not going to be around forever, so the child needs to grow up knowing how to take care of themselves.

By all means give them guidance, but don't go overboard.

There was a case in Australia where a young girl was allowed to smoke in school because her parents argued that exams were just SO stressful she needed to smoke to calm down.

I don't think we should be treating kids like fragile snowflakes. AS Dadu said, there needs to be a balance.

 

[IADad]

the argument goes hand in hand with our protective and litigious society. We rely on warnings and recalls to keep us safe rather than figuring out "if you throw a lawn dart straight up in the air you're likely to get hurt" or "gee, maybe Ishouldn't put that drapery cord around my neck..." it's okay, because it must be safe if someone hasn't warned me otherwise and if I get hurt, I can always sue someone, because nothing is every and accident anymore.

I like having encouraging situations, but appropriate levels of failure.

examples: I help DS1 get his piano practice done, and I praise him for his efforts and successes, but when he's really lagging, I may on occassion let him not do so well, so he doesn't pass a lesson, and has to repeat. It becomes a teaching opportuunity.

In soccer, at his age, he's praised for effort, gets a medal for participating in tournaments, but they also do keep score, they know losing. Just a couple of weeks ago, I had a long car ride home with a young goal keeper who had 6 goals scored on in in one half and was in tears over it. Lots of things to talk about and lots of lessons learned that night.

Yes, I think we can create healthy "try it and it's okay to fail" tasks for them, but we don't have to make their days a string of consecutive failure to teach the value of failing and learning from it.

A related topic is the environment of specialization. Kids who KNOW at middle school that they are becomming doctors or engineers and gearing everything they do toward that goal. Then when they get to college and fial, or even just decide that's not really what they want, they have no other interests, no idea what else they might be good at. I think we need to foster more exploration, general study and less specialization.

 

[lifebythelesson]

Hello! Just joined the forum.

The way I look at it, it really isn't a question of <I>whether</I> our kids will fail or not. They <I>will</I>. We all do. We excel in some areas and don't in others. That's life.

The only question is whether our kids will learn to fail with grace and learn from their failures or whether they become imbittered or resentful.

To shield our kids from failure is to prepare them for future failure at bigger things ... like life.

Granted it is difficult to watch though.

 

[Humdinger]

We all hate to see our children fail. But life is not always going to be pitching softballs when mom and dad aren't looking. Learning to deal with failure is part of life.

It makes me think of a quote from one of the Batman movie remakes...The young Bruce falls and hurts himself. His father asks if he knows why we fall..."So we can learn to get up again".

What is one of the most important things to learn on your way to adulthood? How to get up again after a "fall".

 

[lifebythelesson]

Well said, Humdinger. Here's another question: <I>How </I>do we get up after a fall?

For adults, I think the best way to get up after a fall is to redirect our thinking away from the pain of the fall to what can be learned from it. Instead of asking, "Why me?" we ask, "What can I learn from what happened?" or "What is life or God or this situation teaching me?"

Then the whole nature of what the fall means changes. The pain never feels good, but the fall itself takes on a certain positive quality. It acquires purpose and meaning, and is usually therefore tolerable, the pain being mitigated somewhat.

It's a more difficult task we have to teach our children to do the same. But I suppose it starts with the way <I>we</I> deal with falling down and bruising knees and hearts and egos. If we rant and curse and blame, so will our kids. If we become contemplative and seek to understand ourselves and what life lessons can be learned from the fall, our kids will pick up on that too. But we should talk about such things with them along the way too.

 

[melaya]

Isn't "failure" a term of competitive society when referring to kids?
Kids explore their world, their abilities, their potential. Just because something does not work for them, this isn't "failure".
Failed steps are part of the learning process. You can't learn how to cycle, unless you fall. The attempts that led falls, are not a failure, they are just normal steps of the learning procedure.
The same applies when exploring one's boundaries. Some things will work, some won't.
Why do we need to label an important part of the growng process as "failure"?
Each child is unique. Not being the fastest or the slowest, the most intelligent or the most social, are not failures.

 

[yeojungi]

We cannot choose whether or not to allow our kids to fail. Because there is no way we can stop them from failing. I think the term "fail" is too definitive and I wonder at what point, if at all, we declare that our children failed. Can we say "make a mistake" instead?

That being said,
What are the things we do or say to help our kids feel it's okay to make mistakes?
What are the things we do or say to make our kids feel one mistake is the end of the world?

My kid acts like the world is coming to an end when she makes a mistake. I'm the one to tell her it's okay-- everyone makes mistakes, all humans do. I'm now concerned that she might think one day doing a sloppy job is okay because no one is perfect. Striking the right balance is a difficult thing to do

 

[lovebeingamum]

Isn't "failure" a term of competitive society when referring to kids?
Kids explore their world, their abilities, their potential. Just because something does not work for them, this isn't "failure".

Why do we need to label an important part of the growng process as "failure"?
Each child is unique. Not being the fastest or the slowest, the most intelligent or the most social, are not failures.

I have to disagree with you on this. Failure simply means that you did not succeed at something. The only negativity that comes with it is what you assign to it yourself. People don't need to be so sensitive about the proper use of a word.

I believe there does need to be a drive to succeed and compete otherwise people just stagnate.

For me personally I think you need to be able to teach your children to handle failing at something, not steering them away from it and trying to give it a more 'gentle' label so you don't break them emotionally.

A mistake and failure have different meanings. To fail means you did not succeed. To make a mistake means you made an error be it in judgement, calculation or by insufficient knowledge.

I was speaking to my husband the other day about something similar. He finds it irritating that while he was growing up he earned his certificates and trophies, but his brother doesn't need to be the best any more to get a reward. He doesn't think that is fair and neither do I.

For me personally, I wouldn't feel like I was a success just because I got a participation certificate. By all means encourage people who didn't win this time, but I don't think it helps to essentially say that you don't really have to try because you will be rewarded anyway.

Wherever you go in life someone is always going to be better than you at something, and you will also be better than others in things, but you can't just fold over it.

I want to teach my children to have strength in their abilities and have the strength to pick themselves up. I don't want them to be too fragile. Saying you have failed at something is not the same as telling a person they are a failure.

 

[IADad]

abosolutely - there's a difference between "failing" and "being a failure." And that's part of teaching the value of failing, of taking risks and failing, specifally, that doing so doesn't make you a "failure."

 

[yeojungi]

Please help me out. Probably I am not getting the point here.

So, when do you say that your child (or even yourself) failed? When s/he didn't make the national championship in sports? When s/he didn't get the first place in the science fair? When s/he didn't master a piano piece? When s/he didn't get the perfect score on SAT? When s/he didn't get the job s/he dreamed of?

Also, what does it look like when someone handles failing well? Does the person keep on trying to make it happen? Does that person move on to something else knowing that's how far s/he can go in that area?

Also, what is it that we can do or say to "allow our children to fail"?

I'm just very curious and would like to learn.

 

[lovebeingamum]

If you don't succeed at something you have failed. You don't have to tell them they failed though because they know they have.

You just need to encourage them to continue trying. They can get better at things. Failing once doesn't necessarily mean you can never achieve it.

I think that someone handling failure well is someone not dwelling on it and thinking that they are a failure. Someone that continues trying. You may never be the best at it, but you could become successful by improving.

I think the problem is that people tend not to differentiate between admitting to failing at something and criticising them for being a 'failure.'

You can either try to get better at it or move on. You will eventually find your niche.

 

[lifebythelesson]

Here's how I look at it: If I attempt to climb a rope and fall, I failed <I>at that attempt</I>. That's all.

If I keep trying and cannot pull my wieght up the rope, I have failed in a larger sense and may benefit from looking for something else to do. Or I can keep working at it, lose some pounds, build some upper body strength and at some future date, succeed.

Life is composed of many different compartments or parts or roles or whatever. The point is, life is multifaceted. To judge the entirety of a person as a failure for failing to succeed in business or athletics or some other life compartment is to miss the point of life.

I can be a failure in one or more parts of life without being a failure. Using different words to describe a failure is only shifting syllables around, not changing the nature of the thing. I personally like calling a thing the thing it is, so will use the word "fail" when it applies. But we can teach our children those distinctions too. To "fail" is not the same as being a "failure."

I do believe there are people who are failures in life, however. But none of these people are children. They are still on the process of lewarning and don;t have the same level of personal accountability for the direction of their own lives yet.

Those who I would classify as failures are adults who have waisted their lives with drugs and acts of violence and abusive behavior, victimizing spouse and/or children. Such people have reached a level of compartmentalized failure that warrents the more general condemnation.

But again, these are relatively extreme cases and don't apply to our children anyway. But in response to yeojungi's questions, those are some of the distinctions I would make.

Someone who handles failure well is someone who learns from their failed attempts to succeed at something. There are lessons about ourselves we can learn, about our commitment level, our patience, perseverance, ability to sacrifice and delay gratification. There are lessons about life and other people and so on.

Someone who can handle defeat, pick themselves up, learn from the situation, and move on, becoming a better person for it is someone who handles failure well.

 

[yeojungi]

According to the answers I've gotten here, to fail is not to achieve what you set out to achieve, be it climbing a rope or mastering a piano piece. That makes sense. Nice and simple.

Then, my next question is, what do parents do if they don't allow their children to fail? Don't children fail inevitably no matter how hard we try to prevent it? We are not God and we don't get to "allow" them to fail. They just do.

Please tell me about parents who "allow" their children to fail vs. those who "don't allow" their children to fail. How are they different? What do they do or say to their children?

Still trying to learn...

 

[singledad]

In my opinion "failure" is when you set an objective, and you don't reach it. However, your objective need not always be the same as someone else's. Not getting first place is only failure if you were aiming for first place, and sometimes its OK to compete simply for fun. Not getting the best marks in the class isn't necessarily failure. Not getting the marks you wanted and worked for, is.

I think it is very important to teach our children that you cannot always succeed at everything, and when you don't, there are several way you can deal with it. The first resort should always be to try harder, but if that doesn't work, sometimes you have to simply accept that you cannot reach that goal and move on to something else. The difficult part is to find the balance between giving up too soon, and forcing forcing yourself to keep trying in vain.

I also think that we as parent should never protect our children from circumstance where they can fail, even though we want to. I think it is cruel to keep children under the impression that they are good at something when they really aren't. Like those poor children who come into auditions for Idols and similar competitions, convinced that they are the best, only to not get in. I blame those children's parents for encouraging their children to build dreams based on a talent they simply don't have, and for not preparing them for potential failure.

I also think that it is very important to teach our children that you need not excel at everything you do. I play tennis. I suck at it, but I still enjoy going out with a (equally talentless) mate on a Saturday afternoon, and exhausting myself on the court. Neither of us will ever win even a lowly club competition, but why should that stop us from having fun, and getting some good exercise in the process?

 

[IADad]

According to the answers I've gotten here, to fail is not to achieve what you set out to achieve, be it climbing a rope or mastering a piano piece. That makes sense. Nice and simple.

Then, my next question is, what do parents do if they don't allow their children to fail? Don't children fail inevitably no matter how hard we try to prevent it? We are not God and we don't get to "allow" them to fail. They just do.

Please tell me about parents who "allow" their children to fail vs. those who "don't allow" their children to fail. How are they different? What do they do or say to their children?

Still trying to learn...

I think the point is that society (us) has in some ways (perhaps many ways, and perhaps too many ways) protected our children from the knowledge that they have failed, in order to protect them, in order to encourage them to try without pressure, ostensibly lot's of well meaning reasons.

I think the whole discussion comes down to should we protect children from the knowledge of their failure? should we push them to succeed? Should failure be unacceptable? should we encourage exploration and embrace the failures as long as something is learned from it? I think it's not a black and white issue, it's one very gray discussion along a multidimensional gradient not a line. How I may react to one failure today may not be the same if I see my child not apply what they learned yesterday.

We keep trying to pin down some kind of guide for life, some rule book and process manual for successful parenting. It's not possible, too many things are different, with our kids, with our environments, with our goals. The best we can do is to keep trying, and caring. Sometimes that's going to care enough to let them fail at something, and hopefully that's follwed by caring enough to explain why it didn't work or help them explore to discover what might work better next time. And sometimes we're going to fail at doing that teaching, but hopefully we try not to fail the same way next time.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

it depends how we, parents, react to it.
if it is fun and games, then blue ribbons -- why not. everobody is supposed to have a good time, not just winners.
but when kids fail at school, parents are not very happy anytime.

 

[IADad]

it depends how we, parents, react to it.
if it is fun and games, then blue ribbons -- why not. everobody is supposed to have a good time, not just winners.
but when kids fail at school, parents are not very happy anytime.

but what is failing at school? Not getting a high enough score, a good enough grade? What about a kid taking a chance on an answer, thinking the right way and getting the wrong answer? I think alomst every test should include an extra credit question that is something that hasn't been taught, but they might be able to infer or figure out from the material that has been taught. Why not conditionl them to "take chance?' "Make a good guess?" "Figure out an answer?" "approach a problem?"