Should we Allow our Children to Fail???...

[yeojungi]

It seems to me, kids know when they succeed/fail if their goal was clear. You are trying to hit a ball with a bat, you miss, you know you failed. Even though everyone gets a trophy for participating in soccer/basketball etc, they all know who scored a point and who did not. Grownups may try to help all kids feel good about themselves, but I believe kids do know when they just chased the ball and never even touched it. In that sense, I have no problem giving every kid a trophy.

When the goal isn't super clear, however, kids probably can't tell whether they succeeded or not. Because in some areas, there are many different levels of mastery. Your goal doesn't have to be the absolute perfection or the absolute best. The goal can be doing better than you did yesterday. I think this is where parents can possibly have a control over whether or not the child can fail. By setting a bar extremely high, one can challenge the kid knowing his/her chances of failing high. Or, setting a bar extremely low and let the kid succeed at all times.

I've given some thoughts to figure out where I stand in this debate. Looks like, I present extremely high expectations in some areas and terribly low expectations in other areas. I challenge her in areas where I believe she will be very good at, and I let her have fun and not care about success/failure in other areas where I don't value too much.

 

[lovebeingamum]

I think that not allowing your child to fail is them missing out on valuable experience.

A parent might be able to protect a child, but when they have to face other people in the world those people are going to have higher expectations of them and will soon tell them if they think they have failed.

If they have experienced failure and learned ways to handle it then life will be a lot easier.

My husband and I were talking about this; and he said that a parent's job is to make themselves obsolete. It may seem 'harsh' but I think he is right.

 

[lifebythelesson]

I think there are a variety of ways parents try to keep their kids from failing. It's not that parents can prevent failure when their children try to climb a rope or master physics. You're right to say we are not God and cannot intervene in many instances to stop or prevent failure.

There are two ways many parents try to prevent failure nonetheless:

1. Some parents so fear their children's fragile self-esteem might get bruised, they try to shield their kids from the pain of defeat and failure that they don't really let them ever spread their wings to give flight much of a try. "Don't do this, don't try that, be careful, stay off, get down, be careful, you're going to fall" all become the words used to try to over-protect their children in a safer-than-is-possible world of parental protection.

2. More commonly, I suppose, are parents who don't require their kids to suffer the natural consequences of their behavior. As a high school teacher, I see this all the time. A student gets his phone taken away for using it in class. It goes to the office. A parent is required to pick it up. The kid has it in his hands the very next day at school. Why? Because his parents protected him from the consequences of his actions, not allowing him these sorts of little moral failures. Cut off from the consequences of poor choices, children are not only protected from failure, of a sort, they grow up spoiled.

Another example is those parents who never sign their kids up for sports for fear their little ones may not feel good about themselves if they're not as good as the other kids. Preventing kids from trying is the same as preventing them from failing and is therefore also the same as preventing them from learning to succeed in the future.

 

[yeojungi]

There are two ways many parents try to prevent failure nonetheless:

1. Some parents so fear their children's fragile self-esteem might get bruised, they try to shield their kids from the pain of defeat and failure that they don't really let them ever spread their wings to give flight much of a try. "Don't do this, don't try that, be careful, stay off, get down, be careful, you're going to fall" all become the words used to try to over-protect their children in a safer-than-is-possible world of parental protection.

2. More commonly, I suppose, are parents who don't require their kids to suffer the natural consequences of their behavior. As a high school teacher, I see this all the time. A student gets his phone taken away for using it in class. It goes to the office. A parent is required to pick it up. The kid has it in his hands the very next day at school. Why? Because his parents protected him from the consequences of his actions, not allowing him these sorts of little moral failures. Cut off from the consequences of poor choices, children are not only protected from failure, of a sort, they grow up spoiled.

I agree with you on these. We should encourage our kids to challenge themselves and let them suffer the natural consequences of bad choices.

One thing I find difficult to agree though is your remark on sports. Why is playing sports during childhood so very crucial? What if the child is not interested in sports? What if she wishes to spend her time on other things? Why is not signing up a child for sports an example of overprotective parenting? Organized sports are not the only way to stay active and healthy.

As we always say, every child is different and our parenting should fit who our child is. If you have an extremely sensitive kid, or physically fragile child, you naturally become seemingly "overly protective" parents. But we need to also acknowledge that those highly sensitive kids do feel emotions with greater intensity than most people and physically fragile kids do get sick or injured more easily than most kids. Putting them in a competitive sport team will do more harm than good.

There are many benefits of participating in organized sports, but there are benefits of making arts, playing music, reading books, and unstructured free play. And there are plenty of opportunities to fail and learn to persevere in those activities as well. I think the difference is that you fail more publicly in sports than in other areas. I don't think one need fail publicly in order to learn from it. And here comes the part that might sound overprotective-- a public failure and subsequent mockery/ridicule may indeed damage a young child, especially if the child is overly sensitive in the first place or if the mockery/ridicule continues for a long time period.

People make different choices following their hearts. Letting our children pursue their passion is important-- that's also preparing for the future.

 

[lovebeingamum]

lifebythelesson isn't saying that a child has to do sports; they are just using that as an example to get their point across.

The point being that there are parents who don't allow their children to do things that they (the child) wants to do such as sports in case the child feels bad when they don't succeed.

 

[lifebythelesson]

That's right. My point isn't that playing sports is crucial to a child's moral, emotional or social development. My point is the REASON behind not involving a child in sports. If our children gravitate to the culinary arts or music or more academic pursuits, that's wonderful! My daughter, for example, is quite an amazing pianist. She is a music major at a very expensive private university on a performance scholarship. She is amazing!

My point was only that some parents prevent or discourage their kids from getting involved in sports BECAUSE of a protective instinct that does not serve their children well in the long run.

The same would be true of a parent who discourages a son or daughter from enrolling in an advanced placement class after teachers and counselors both agreed it would be a wonderful challenge. If parents discourage academic challenge for fear their child might feel overwhelmed by the work, the parental protection is, again, misplaced.

My answer to such a concern would be, "so what!" if my son or daughter feels overwhelmed by the workload of an AP class. That's one of life's challenges: to learn to deal with difficult things, prioritize the things in life that matter most, focus on those things, and learn to do the best they can to overcome life's obstacles. To discourage challenge for fear of failure is to discourage growth in our kids. That's how we adults grow. Children are no different in that respect.

What we did with our daughter was to expose her to all kinds of opportunities -- piano lessons, guitar, voice, basketball, swim, cross-country, ice skating, dance, horseback riding, acting -- then let her decide what she wanted to focus on, discover where her talents and passions were. She chose music. We are delighted. If she had chosen anything else, we would have been equally delighted.

Thank you for giving me a chance to clarify!

 

[MomoJA]

I agree with what has been said. But I admit to sometimes discouraging my child from trying things that I think she will fail at. However, it is because I don't think she is developmentally ready and I don't want her to get discouraged and then be turned off from it when she has matured a little more and ready to test her abilities and perserverence. This, though, is a very hard balancing act, and I'm afraid that I may sometimes hold her back for too long or that I may be teaching her to be negative or to give up too easily. I certainly don't want to do that, but when she was younger, I expected her to be able to do things she just wasn't ready for, and when I encouraged her to try them and she failed, she became extremely frustrated. Me too, at times. I regret that more than I can say.

Otherwise, though, I think failing is an important part of learning and character building. And I TOTALLY agree with lifebythelesson that facing the consequences of your actions is essential to becoming a successful, contributing member of society as well as someone who can comfortably live with him or herself.

 

[Bob]

<t>I think the quote "The only real failure in life is the failure to try” sums it up quite nicely.<br/>
<br/>
That being said, if a child consistently fails at something (sports, academics, etc..) then stepping in to offer help is wise. If things still don't improve, it's key to not say "give up" but rather "change focus".</t>

 

[lifebythelesson]

Well said, Bob!

Nothing to add.

 

[teenage_parent]

I'm new at this (being a parent) and my baby is still in her nappies. My instinct is to protect her from all the harm in the world but I know how tough it could be out there. From where I am now, I'll say I will have to let her. I will try to guide her as much as I can but when it all comes down to it, she has to go out there and make mistakes.

It's the only real way she will learn. I mean, who am i to teach her anyway. I will grow up with her.

 

[lifebythelesson]

teenage_parent,

I'm a high school teacher by trade, jumping into this new carreer about 10 years ago. I had taken two economics classes in college (and got my only "C" in one of them), graduating with a history degree with a U.S. emphasis. My first teaching gig was at a high school teaching, you guessed it, economics! It was a year of malpractice, for sure.

But the relevant part of my story to you is this: I learned what I was going to teach the day before I taught it ... literally. It wasn't very good, but I taught what they needed to learn the best I knew how to teach material I barely understood.

So while you will inevitably grow <I>along side</I> your daughter, try to stay a day or two <I>ahead</I> of her as well. Work hard on your personal growth, becoming a better person filled with more patience and kindness and love.

You are doing the right thing joining a forum like this. Look elsewhere for insight and information too to grow as a parent. Make raising your child well your most important goal.

In the end, the best way to raise a good kid is to raise a good parent. So hats off to you for taking the job seriously (many don't!) in this wild adventure called parenting. If you approach it with the right attitude, it will change you for the good in important and wonderful ways.

 

[teenage_parent]

hi lifebythelesson,

thanks for the advise. Greatly appreciated. i try to stay ahead of her but i also can't shake off the feeling that i am inadequate. God knows i am not a melodramatic person, i'm a pretty happy person but i just can't shake it off.

my parents aren't talking with me right now so i don't really get a lot of help (hence the home schooling). the closest thing i got to a mature guardian is my next door neighbor and he said all parents have that feeling. is that true?

 

[singledad]

hi lifebythelesson,

thanks for the advise. Greatly appreciated. i try to stay ahead of her but i also can't shake off the feeling that i am inadequate. God knows i am not a melodramatic person, i'm a pretty happy person but i just can't shake it off.

my parents aren't talking with me right now so i don't really get a lot of help (hence the home schooling). the closest thing i got to a mature guardian is my next door neighbor and he said all parents have that feeling. is that true?

LOL, I don't know if all parents have it, but I certainly do.

But you've come to the right place for help and advice...

 

[born2lovechildr]

My husband and I were just speaking about this today. He works with a guy who is 20 something. His dad is the top executive. I'll call the younger George. No one in management better reprimand him for doing nothing, which is all the time, they get demoted. We've seen it happen. Mama will get all over dad if he does not do anything. He was just sick for 4 days and I asked him if he went to the Dr. He says, "no I didn't know I had to", it's company policy. He said he used vacation days anyway. He has 2 boys, bought a house a few years ago. Now the house is going into foreclosure, He asked his supervisor if he could make a few payments. I said to my husband, that he will never learn. His parents are always giving him money. Guess they even paid his mortgage for a year. His dad says because of his grandsons. Otherwise they would let him live in the street. Ya, that is what dad says but not mama.

I believe children need to fail but need to know that parents love them and will stand by them forever.Children should pick up the pieces just like you did. I'm sure you did not like the outcome but the fact that you learned something is more of a reward than anything else.

 

[5bygrace]

very tough question. I suppose each case is different, age, teacher,physical and mental condition, etc. at my home, I give a little rope but not enough to get hanged, my oldest will enter middle school next year, no planner, etc. So, we'll see what she does, how she adjust etc. eeek!!!

 

[mcuyler]

Not at all. we should work with them and never let it happen. It really could really affect their self confidence in the long run.

 

[MaryLouise]

I will not allow my kids to fail. I will do my best to help them succeed.

 

[amyewhitmore]

Failure is determined by what your goal is. Only you can decide if you have failed or not. If your child has said I will win that speech meet, or I will bat .500 tonight, etc. and if they didn't then yes, they failed in their eyes. Did they fail in your eyes though if they tried their hardest? So, yes, allow kids to fail because only they can define what it is to fail.

 

[IADad]

Failure is determined by what your goal is. Only you can decide if you have failed or not. If your child has said I will win that speech meet, or I will bat .500 tonight, etc. and if they didn't then yes, they failed in their eyes. Did they fail in your eyes though if they tried their hardest? So, yes, allow kids to fail because only they can define what it is to fail.

If you also talk with your kids about sucess, goal setting and what failure means.

In you illustration, it doesn't work if either the child sets unrealistic goals (I'm going to score 896 goals tonight) or the parents set pressures ("You must score a goal tonight," rather than "Want goal do you want to achieve in the game tonight?")

 

[amyewhitmore]

Someone setting a goal would not be setting a goal of scoring 896 goals, however, if they think they can score 5 and they didn't meet that goal then they failed to meet their goal of 5.

If a parent is pressuring a child to score a goal and the child does not and the child thinks they failed, the parent has problems and probably shouldn't be a parent. A parent pressuring their child to score a goal should have nothing to do with what the child wants out of the game, or what the child thinks they are capable of.