Visiting relatives with a SO in tow......

[Cop2be]

With the fall and holidays approaching I wanted to know what others thought about a family member visiting with their bf/gf/SO etc or whatever term they give themselves.

Like a granddaughter going to visit grandma and greatgrandma with her serious boyfriend.
By serious I mean plan to file joint taxes next year, live together for the past year already, attend in town family holidays together, share money, basically married but not yet married. Talks about being together for the rest of their lives and have talked about children.
Put them mid-twenties or later for their ages, so not 18 year olds but upwards of 23 and older.

How would YOU work sleeping accommodations?
Would you put them in separate rooms?
What if you only had one extra bedroom?
Would them sleeping in the same room/same bed be an issue or a non-issue in your house?
Would you be offended if they declined the offer to sleep at the house if they couldn't sleep in the same bed and they got a hotel instead?

 

[singledad]

I would take my cue from the host. If they prepare separate bedrooms, use them. If they prepare one bedroom, use it. I think that if they try to make one partner sleep on the couch, it might be ok to suggest that it would be more comfortable for everyone if you checked into a hotel.

I would certainly not make a big deal out of it if my host seemed uncomfortable with letting me share a bed with an so. In fact, even after living together for several years, my wife and I never shared a bed in my grandma's house before we got married. After all, it's just a few nights, and it's about respecting her values and by extension her, even if I don't agree with it.

 

[Cop2be]

Yeah.
The question is about me.

My grandmother doesn't care, she even offered us her room before the "spare room" is a loft with no door right across and 15 stairs up from my great grandmothers bedroom.

My great grandmother would probably make a few comments but ultimately she wouldn't say much. She's 93 and complains about everything, so my grandmother just tells me to ignore it.

I visited last summer and she did nothing but hound me about everything. I stayed up too late, my showers were too long, I dryed my hair, I did my make-up, my shorts were too short, my jeans had holes, my cell phone was too fancy, I was driving too fast (I was going the speed limit). It'd be 75+ degrees out and she'd be cold, tell me to put on a jacket and I'd tell her I wasn't cold and Tennessee humidity during the summer is not jacket weather and she'd sigh and huff and puff but no way was I throwing on a jacket in 75+ degree weather with 40% humidity...

If I had done everything to appease her I wouldn't have showered every day and then my showers wouldn't have been more than 5 minutes, I wouldn't have dried my hair or done my make-up, I would have been covered from the neck down, gone to bed at 7pm, flushed my phone down the toilet and burned all my clothes I brought with me...

This next trip should be a blast, my nose is now pierced, I am about 20lbs lighter, the clothes are definitely smaller and tighter and my hair is now super blonde from dark brown. I sense an epic meltdown from her solely from my image alone. To myself and everyone else I look amazing and sexy to her she'll think I belong in a whore house.

 

[cybele]

If your grandmother is fine and dandy with you and your boyfriend sharing a bed and so on, and it is her house then there is no problem.

There are always going to be fuddy duddy relatives who have issues with the things "kids these days" do. I love my grandmother very much, she comes over to my house for dinner with my family once a week, I am 41 years old and a week does not go by without "Bella sweetheart, why did you do all this to your skin? You used to be so beautiful" Some of my tattoos were obtained over 20 years ago, so I have been hearing this for more than 20 years, she says it because she loves me and back "in her day" that was not how women presented themselves, even if it is socially acceptable now.

I would assume that the same train of thought goes into bleached hair, facial piercings, revealing clothing and torn jeans.

You also have to remember that your great grandmother would have lived through the depression, my grandmother did, if they are anything alike, long showers, fancy gadgets, make up and hair products, all luxuries. A lot of people who lived through that still can't get their mind around the consumerist attitude we have nowadays.

All you can do is give her a hug and let it go in one ear and out the other. Chances are she's not trying to criticise you, things are just different to her.

 

[singledad]

All you can do is give her a hug and let it go in one ear and out the other. Chances are she's not trying to criticise you, things are just different to her.

^^^ That ^^^

 

[Cop2be]

Oh I tried. I tried so hard last time I went. I never said anything directly really but I would just state that it was something that made me happy and that I was going to do it.

My grandmother on the other hand was the one who went to bat for me and was like "Will you just leave her alone?" "Can you let her sleep?" "Just stop mother". It was quite comedic.

The loft doesn't have a door, I was woken up at 7am everyday, I usually went right back to sleep for another couple of hours but I really think we might actually get an air mattress or something. Cheap and easy to throw up in the loft or in the office, since the loft doesn't have a door.

I was nice but it was draining and last time it was only the clothes, make-up/hair and showers.
This time, I'll hear about hair color, weight loss, the boyfriend, showers, make-up, piercings and yeah the tattoo that I have now. I forgot about that.

 

[Xero]

Every family has one of those. Just laugh it off and do what you want. If anything just say "I'm sorry grandma, that's just the way I am. Not trying to offend anyone". If the owner of the house doesn't mind you sleeping in the same room, then sleep in the same room. I was never questioned when staying with family when DH and I were young and childless and dating, and we always slept in the same room. You are adults. You're not a couple of teenagers spending the night somewhere away from your parents' houses.

The only one thing I will say, is that it is more polite to go to bed when your hosts go to bed and get up when they get up. Would you like it if you had someone over and they stayed up in your house doing who knows what for hours after you and your SO fell asleep? It's ultimately up to you though, I'm just putting that out there.

 

[Cop2be]

Every family has one of those. Just laugh it off and do what you want. If anything just say "I'm sorry grandma, that's just the way I am. Not trying to offend anyone". If the owner of the house doesn't mind you sleeping in the same room, then sleep in the same room. I was never questioned when staying with family when DH and I were young and childless and dating, and we always slept in the same room. You are adults. You're not a couple of teenagers spending the night somewhere away from your parents' houses.

The only one thing I will say, is that it is more polite to go to bed when your hosts go to bed and get up when they get up. Would you like it if you had someone over and they stayed up in your house doing who knows what for hours after you and your SO fell asleep? It's ultimately up to you though, I'm just putting that out there.

My great grandmother is 92 years old. She mosied off to bed at 7pm, in June, when the sun was still out. :yikes: And got up various times during the night and then finally got up about 5 or so.
My grandmother is 73 would stay up until whenever, usually like midnight or so and wouldn't get up until about 9 or 10am.

I was on vacation, I drove over 1000 miles to go see them. I did a lot of stuff during the day with them, I helped cook dinner, helped clean up and spent some time with them until they each went to bed. Then spent a few hours to myself to get online(I took my laptop) and veg, to read or call my boyfriend (same one). Stuff I couldn't do during the day because I was so busy visiting people and going downtown Nashville and doing stuff.

My grandmother and I slept about the same times, my great grandmother goes to bed earlier than the 3 year old I live with now.

Google circadian rhythm, its real. My great grandmothers sleep cycle and my sleep cycle, like night and day, I would have rather done something unfathomable with shards of glass than gone to bed earlier than most kindergartners and gotten up at 5am everyday on my vacation.

My grandmother told me her mom(the great grandmother) still does it to her as well.
My grandmother has fibromyalga and hurts so she doesn't really sleep well and I often find her on facebook at 2am or skype, she'll log onto skype and talk to me for a bit and then go back to bed.

And if it was close family like a great granddaughter, I would be very understanding if she didn't want to go to bed at 7pm and get up at the asscrack of dawn.

 

[Xero]

I was referring to your grandma (host would be, the person owning and running the house, accommodating you etc, not great grandma that lives in). So I get it, you do in fact respect the times your grandma is up or asleep. Really I didn't need all that extra information, or the snarky comparisons to kindergarteners etc. No offense. Like I said, just throwing that out there. Looks like you're good to go. Congratulations.

 

[cybele]

Your great grandmother is a very elderly woman. If she is tired then she needs to go to bed, if she cannot sleep any longer then she needs to get up. You seem so concerned about your sleep cycle being messed with, you are a young person whose body can take and adapt to change, a 92yr olds cannot, have some respect for her sleep cycle. If she makes noise, wear ear plugs to bed. If she turns on lights, wear a sleep mask. Problem solved.

If your great grandmother finding your appearance different to what she believes young women should dress as, and makes noise at 7am is such a big deal then do not stay in that house, find a motel close by or something. Most people are grateful for free accommodation.

 

[akmom]

I think it's important to respect your host's values. Can you really not bear to spend a few nights alone? I think that would be a small price to pay for a free place to stay. If not, then go somewhere else. I can't imagine going out of your way to visit a relative and not actually try to keep the peace.

 

[NancyM]

I think it's great that your grand mother loves you so much and unconditionally your very lucky to have a grandma like that. I would just go, and enjoy both of them as long as they're still alive.

You know when they're gone. They're gone. It wont be the same and you can't get that time back.

Like everyone else said, basically if your grandma doesn't mind and loves having you both there than what's the problem? Great grandmother just wants to show that she still has an opinion, that she still counts, and thinks her youth was better than everyone elses.

All old people are like that. They all say and do the same thing I got two of them here as well. It's not personal she probably gives her opinion to everyone.

If you really can't stand it than stay at a local motel. I think that would hurt them though.

 

[Cop2be]

Your great grandmother is a very elderly woman. If she is tired then she needs to go to bed, if she cannot sleep any longer then she needs to get up. You seem so concerned about your sleep cycle being messed with, you are a young person whose body can take and adapt to change, a 92yr olds cannot, have some respect for her sleep cycle. If she makes noise, wear ear plugs to bed. If she turns on lights, wear a sleep mask. Problem solved.

If your great grandmother finding your appearance different to what she believes young women should dress as, and makes noise at 7am is such a big deal then do not stay in that house, find a motel close by or something. Most people are grateful for free accommodation.

xero said something about guests should go to bed whenever the host do, I simply stated that my great grandmother goes to bed before the sun goes down and that I wasn't going to go to bed extremely early and get up extremely early just because she did. I would go into my room whenever everyone else went to bed but I sure as hell wasn't going to lay in the dark wide awake, I had a laptop, I stayed up for a few hours.

I respected her sleep cycle, if she went to sleep I was quiet. I am a deep sleeper the only way I woke up was when she deliberately woke me up super early telling me I shouldn't sleep so late, she was the one not respecting my sleep cycle. I don't stay up usually past 11 or so most night so but I still get up around like 8 or so, not 5.

And it's not that big of a deal, it just is tiresome after awhile. I do things for myself, to make me happy, I don't do things to please other people. I live over 1000 miles away and don't get to visit that often, so when I go clothes shopping, I don't remotely think what would my great grandmother say about this outfit. I think "this will look hot when I go to X place with my boyfriend".
And I am not going to go out and buy baggy pants and loose sweaters.

 

[Cop2be]

I think it's important to respect your host's values. Can you really not bear to spend a few nights alone? I think that would be a small price to pay for a free place to stay. If not, then go somewhere else. I can't imagine going out of your way to visit a relative and not actually try to keep the peace.

The host (my GRANDMOTHER) who owns the house, doesn't care. My 92 year old GREAT grandmother who lives there and doesn't own the house, cares but technically has no say. She lives there because she can't live on her own, my grandmother takes care of her, it's my grandmother's house and its my grandmothers say.

My whole point was my great grandmother bitches about everything under the sun, so if she bitches about this its not different than her bitching about everything else she bitches about.

And there is no keeping the peace. The only way I could possibly keep the peace is to remove my nose stud, dye my hair back to brown, keep my tattoo covered, which would require me wearing shoes not flip flops and I hate shoes and gaining back my weight oh and not being so tan. Basically totally changing my entire appearance.

I am basically trying to convey that she nitpicks everything. I know when I visit she'll say I am too tan, that my brown hair looked prettier, that I am losing too much weight and that I am going to get sick(I am pretty short for my height I should weight between 111-124 and I weight like 120 and hope to get down to 110) , that I should take the nose stud out, I'll get gasps, head shakes and sighs when she see's my tattoo but the thing is none of these things are out of the ordinary for me, so why should I change it all to go visit for a week? I like how I look, is it too much to ask to not hear about how someone else hates it the whole time you are visiting them?

 

[NancyM]

I think we understand what you're trying to convey.

And yes it is too much to ask a 90 yr old person to butt out of your life. Just smile and say I know you feel that way great grandma, but we have different styles. Something like that, or just ignore it! I don't see the big deal. All old people say things like that.

The thing is that you are treding on "THEIR" Territory, YOU are the guest in their home.

If it were the other way around, them visiting you, than I suppose you could say something, but even than I would consider that rude since they are your grandparents and love you. (IMO)

It might be best for you to stay at a motel. I don't know what else to say, it is THEIR home. It seems to me that you have it made there, it's really very good of your grandma to let you both sleep in the same room, many people wouldn't do that.

I think you're not getting the responses you would like from us, but you asked for our opinions. sorry.

 

[Cop2be]

I think we understand what you're trying to convey.

And yes it is too much to ask a 90 yr old person to butt out of your life. Just smile and say I know you feel that way great grandma, but we have different styles. Something like that, or just ignore it! I don't see the big deal. All old people say things like that.

The thing is that you are treding on "THEIR" Territory, YOU are the guest in their home.

If it were the other way around, them visiting you, than I suppose you could say something, but even than I would consider that rude since they are your grandparents and love you. (IMO)

It might be best for you to stay at a motel. I don't know what else to say, it is THEIR home. It seems to me that you have it made there, it's really very good of your grandma to let you both sleep in the same room, many people wouldn't do that.

I think you're not getting the responses you would like from us, but you asked for our opinions. sorry.

We haven't gone yet, we aren't going till October since DB want's to see the fall in Tennessee.
My grandmother is giving us her room when we go, since upstairs in the loft are two twin beds, we'd end up pushing those together if we stayed up in the loft or putting both beds down in the office so we had a door, she simply said that we could take her room for the duration of the trip.
I just want it to be a nice visit and not get harassed every which way for simply being who I am. I just want a visit and have fun and try to keep my life and schedule as close to how it is right now.

I wanna fall asleep between 10pm-12am and get up between 8am-10am. Curl up with him at night and fall asleep talking and just in general NOT hear everyday about how someone hates how I look, I grew up with my mom doing that simply because I didn't turn out to be her carbon copy, my great grandmother does it because she's old fashioned and doesn't believe in things like piercings, hair dye, tattoo's.

Hopefully she'll see most of them in the pics I stick on Facebook this week from last weekends camping trip and not be too surprised when I come to visit.

 

[NancyM]

You know CTB you just can't control what great grandma's going to say or do. It's just that way. I do understand how annoying they can be. But you can really turn it into fun if you use your imagination.

If it were happening to some one else it might be funny. Try to take it with a grain of salt. Obviously G grand ma gives everyone her opinion and everyone knows it, no one really cares what she says or agrees with her opinion, just try to see it through her eyes. lol Imagine what she must think when she sees the world today. She lived for 90 years. She really can't help it.

I know some elderly people can be nasty, but most of the time they're trying to make themselves look smart, and not let anyone think they're memory is bad, they know they don't fit in anymore. It's kind of sad really.

I hope you can try to enjoy her, I know it sounds impossible, but I bet she has some really good stories too. Sometimes when I ask my nasty mother in law (95) what her mom was like, her temperament changes and becomes kind of sweet, maybe you can ask GG to tell you stories about your mom, it's something she knows about and sometimes it puts them into a better place emotionally.

I hope it works out for all of you.

 

[Cop2be]

I just wish there was a nice way to say to her, this is who I am I would appreciate not hearing remarks or huffs and puffs about everything as it stresses me out.

 

[Cop2be]

And someone asked and no two different rooms wouldn't work out. He or I would probably text during the night and end up with each other anyways. So it would be pointless to even try and sleep in separate rooms when I would end up going to him and he wouldn't disagree with me coming to sleep next to him.

 

[singledad]

You know Cop2Be - I actually understand where you're coming from. You want your great-grandmother to accept and love you for who you are, and to now criticize the decisions you've re. your appearance and your life.

I think we all want that from the people we love.

But unfortunately, that is probably beyond the ability of a 92 year old woman. Nothing you can do or say will change her inability to accept the way the world has changed in her lifetime.

The best advice I can give you is this -
<U>You have the ability to choose what upsets you.</U>

When she is criticizing you appearance, you have a choice - either you say to yourself that she doesn't accept you for who you are, and accept the hurt and frustration that comes with that.

Or you say to yourself well, she's 92. When she was your age, makeup was something only cheap women wore. She would probably never have dreamt of wearing pants when she was your age, let alone still shorts. So how is she supposed to just accept that your clothes are perfectly ok in 2012? Its her stuff. Its not about you, its about how she was brought up, and how decent girls looked and acted when she was your age. She's just struggling to keep up. Stepping back, and trying to see things from her perspective might just enable you to shrug it off, and carry on enjoying her company.

Separation of stuff. Her prejudice is her stuff, not yours. You don't have to carry it. You can't make it go away, but you can ignore it. And most of all, you can choose to let it upset you, or not.

If you can't do that, you may have to book into a hotel. But that would probably hurt your grandmother, who obviously wants to see you, or she wouldn't have given up her room for you.